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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Being naked in front of DP/DH

465 replies

SnowflakeSmasher86 · 17/02/2025 15:12

Are you comfortable being visibly naked in front of your partner? Would you be ok with the lights on/daylight etc and walk around with nothing on?

Or would you have a towel/underwear/a sheet over you?

i’m not bothered about my wobbly bits on a daily basis, and felt just the same way when I was several stone lighter, so I don’t see it as a body image thing as such, I juat wouldn’t walk around naked in front of him. He thinks this says something fundamental about our relationship.

YABU - I think its normal to feel 100% at ease walking about naked in front of my DP/DH

YANBU - I’d rather keep some things undercover and feel self conscious naked standing up and walking about the bedroom/house.

OP posts:
Billydavey · 19/02/2025 08:20

AnAltogetherDifferentSortOfThing · 19/02/2025 08:04

If the men you are sleeping with are making comments then you are choosing the wrong men.

This sounds so easy doesn't it?

Choose differently.

I was dating one man for over a year. He was complaining one day that he'd put on a few pounds and said "But I know that doesn't make any difference to you. You wouldn't love me more if I lost it so I'm not really bothered" and leant over and kissed me. We spent most of our time in the house lounging around naked, wandering around naked, dancing together naked. We visited his family home in the mountains in Italy. There was no one around for miles, so we lay naked in the field, had sex in the field... I wasn't in any way inhibited.

And then, one day, quite out of the blue after not ever having commented on anything negatively at all until that point he said "You're really pretty, you know. But you'd look even better if you dropped a couple of kg. "

I was 9 and a half stone and a size 10.

I obviously ended it shortly afterwards and from there it just continued. There hasn't been a single man since who hasn't made a derogatory/negative/critical comment eventually. It's heartening to read that many ther women haven't had similar but, at the same time, I find it hard to believe (not that I think they are lying but it's just so far away from my experience).

None of them were first date comments. None of them were 'losers'. They all treated people with respect, were educated, otherwise kind and decent men who were good to me until that point. The point in our relationship where they, presumably, felt it was time for some home truths.

I've sometimes got the impression that they have seen me as confident and self assured and so thought I wouldn't be bothered by their critiques. Maybe they just expected me to take their advice on board or to take a criticism on the chin. Only a couple of times have I got the sense that it was deliberate cruelty.

Without sounding like a twat, I've never really had much difficulty attracting men. Not because I'm stunning but because I'm just attractive enough; I know what suits my body shape clothing wise; I don't wear much make up (but that's never been criticised) and my hair generally looks good. I'm early 50s and still attract 'admiring looks' when I go out. I eat well, drink lots of water and do most of the things I should. I look after myself generally but this just seems to invite it more. Or maybe it's just that, when the clothes are off, the reality doesn't match their expectations 🤷🏻‍♀️

Apparently, I'm lovely, pretty, beautiful, adorable, funny, witty, intelligent, kind, passionate, have a lovely shape - all things I've been told at some point by the same men who have then gone on to criticise, complain or compare.

I'm not going out with arseholes, ignoring blokey banter, laughing off early negativity. I don't tolerate men who criticise other women or comment on their appearance negatively. Maybe I'm just 'oversensitive' and other women would laugh off some of these comments but, over the years, it's just worn me down.

Without exception, every man I've dated has found some way to put me down based on my appearance. I've never been called "stupid" I suppose...

if a man doesn't find me attractive he isn't coming anywhere near me.

I mean, that's a no brainer but if you have no reason to think they don't until they tell you months down the line...

Edited

So when the first bloke you mention said he’d put on a few pounds and wasn’t happy with it what did you say? Did you agree but say you love him anyway? Did you agree he looked better slimmer but not say that (as yes, you’d love him anyway)?

sometimes it’s more complicated than just saying “it doesn’t matter”. Maybe a partner does look better slimmer but that doesn’t mean you love them less if they’re not.

AnAltogetherDifferentSortOfThing · 19/02/2025 08:46

Billydavey · 19/02/2025 08:20

So when the first bloke you mention said he’d put on a few pounds and wasn’t happy with it what did you say? Did you agree but say you love him anyway? Did you agree he looked better slimmer but not say that (as yes, you’d love him anyway)?

sometimes it’s more complicated than just saying “it doesn’t matter”. Maybe a partner does look better slimmer but that doesn’t mean you love them less if they’re not.

Show quote history

I didn't comment on his weight.

I just said he was right and that a few pounds here and there would make no difference to how i felt about him. I liked the fact he knew that about me.

But I do think that is slightly different (given that he'd brought it up) to just saying out of nowhere that l'd look better if I lost a couple of kilos.

If I'd brought up wanting to lose half a stone, I'd expect an honest response to that. I'm an adult, and I don't expect to be flattered but that doesn't mean its open season on unsolicited criticisms.

ItGhoul · 19/02/2025 09:23

BettyBardMacDonald · 18/02/2025 22:16

Where did I say "decency," @ItGhoul

Reading comprehension is a very useful skill.

OK. But literally everything I said also applies to ‘dignity’ and ‘modesty’. So feel free to address that. Do you think a woman who allows her partner to see her body during sex (as many women on this post have said they won’t) is being immodest and undignified? Or that there is a lack of modesty and dignity in one’s own partner/husband seeing you walk naked from the bed to the wardrobe to get dressed, or from the shower to the bedroom?

Springsunshine123 · 19/02/2025 09:41

BettyBardMacDonald · 19/02/2025 00:31

"I do wonder if its different when you’ve grown older and gone through changes together. A lot of posts saying “he's seen me give birth/poo myself/helped with my piles” etc Maybe if any of you found yourselves single and had to start dating in your 40s or 50s maybe you’d understand how I feel?"

They might be in for a rude awakening, too. It's far from every man who considers a woman leaping about laughing and shaking her wobbly excess flesh to be attractive. Let alone a partner flatulating and defecating with abandon, or being asked to inspect an asshole.

Then he aint the man for me 🤣🤣 take me as i am or watch me as I walk!

ItGhoul · 19/02/2025 09:54

SnowflakeSmasher86 · 18/02/2025 23:03

I’ve realised that when his face is between my legs I cover my own face, sometimes with a pillow - probably because I can’t cover the rest of me at that point!

I’ve never really let anyone else do that at all, so it clearly isn't just my weight that makes me feel self conscious, its the whole vulnerability of my body being exposed.

I do wonder if its different when you’ve grown older and gone through changes together. A lot of posts saying “he's seen me give birth/poo myself/helped with my piles” etc Maybe if any of you found yourselves single and had to start dating in your 40s or 50s maybe you’d understand how I feel?

Show quote history

To be clear - I’m not criticising you for how you feel at all. You feel how you feel. But your post was essentially asking how common it is to feel as self-conscious as you do, and I think your level of self-consciousness is probably unusual.

I’m in my late 40s and I’ve been with my partner a long time, but I don’t have kids. He’s never wiped my bum or anything like that! 🤣 I don’t go to the loo in front of him. In terms of him seeing me naked, I’m basically the same with him as I have been with every other sexual partner I had before we met.

I can honestly say that if I was dating again now, as a somewhat overweight woman of 49, I wouldn’t be self-conscious about nakedness, and certainly not during sex! But it has also never occurred to me to be self-conscious about receiving oral sex, ever, with any partner.

AnAltogetherDifferentSortOfThing · 19/02/2025 10:03

ItGhoul

That's the thing though. Unless people actually have pre existing insecurities, I don't think it would occur to the vast majority of people to feel self conscious until someone comments.

It didn't occur to me either. Why would I assume that someone was anything other than attracted to me if they are going out with me/sleeping with me?

Turns out I was wrong 🤷🏻‍♀️

ItGhoul · 19/02/2025 10:10

AnAltogetherDifferentSortOfThing · 19/02/2025 10:03

ItGhoul

That's the thing though. Unless people actually have pre existing insecurities, I don't think it would occur to the vast majority of people to feel self conscious until someone comments.

It didn't occur to me either. Why would I assume that someone was anything other than attracted to me if they are going out with me/sleeping with me?

Turns out I was wrong 🤷🏻‍♀️

If someone was unkind, I wouldn’t date them. As I’ve previously said, I’m sorry that you have apparently only ever had relationships with men who say unkind things to you. But if someone said those things to me, my response would be to dump them, not to hide my body from future partners.

AnAltogetherDifferentSortOfThing · 19/02/2025 10:35

ItGhoul · 19/02/2025 10:10

If someone was unkind, I wouldn’t date them. As I’ve previously said, I’m sorry that you have apparently only ever had relationships with men who say unkind things to you. But if someone said those things to me, my response would be to dump them, not to hide my body from future partners.

Show quote history

Of course you wouldn't date them if they were unkind to you!

But what if the first time they were unkind to you was when you had been with them for long enough to trust them and be comfortable being naked with them? And what if you were naked when they said it? And it was your naked body they were unkind about?

And what if you dumped them and sometime later, met someone else who then did the same thing? Followed by someone who did the same thing?

Like I said, I think I look OK. If I look at myself in the mirror, I can see that I'm not perfect but I look pretty good (and not even 'for my age' - I look good).

For me, there just came a point when I thought, do you know what? I just don't want to hear it anymore.

I hear what you're saying abut not letting it affect you being with someone new and that's how I felt too. For a very long time.

UserNameNotAvailable9 · 19/02/2025 10:50

SnowflakeSmasher86 · 18/02/2025 23:03

I’ve realised that when his face is between my legs I cover my own face, sometimes with a pillow - probably because I can’t cover the rest of me at that point!

I’ve never really let anyone else do that at all, so it clearly isn't just my weight that makes me feel self conscious, its the whole vulnerability of my body being exposed.

I do wonder if its different when you’ve grown older and gone through changes together. A lot of posts saying “he's seen me give birth/poo myself/helped with my piles” etc Maybe if any of you found yourselves single and had to start dating in your 40s or 50s maybe you’d understand how I feel?

Show quote history

I dated in my 40s and 50s and I 100% think it’s different from being with someone you went through the pregnancies, illnesses, general life histories with. For all of the reasons you have said in the thread

Having said that…the way this man is speaking to you about your body is not ok and I’m not surprised you’re more self-conscious that you used to be.

Seeing, sharing, holding someone’s naked body is a privilege and he should be treating it as such. It’s vulnerable and private and I can see why you feel exposed when he doesn’t seem to respect that

His claims of concerns for your health sound disingenuous to me. From how you describe them anyway

I voted YABU because I’m a stride around naked type. And u wouldn’t want to be with someone I couldn’t do that with. But reading your posts I’m not sure it’s YOU that’s being unreasonable

Jumpingthruhoops · 19/02/2025 10:55

BIossomtoes · 17/02/2025 15:20

We’ve both been walking around naked in front of each other for nearly 30 years now. I see no reason to stop.

Same here. Might add in a little dance from time to time, too! Don't think anything of walking around naked in front of DH - been together 30 years now and still act like teenagers!

CatsnCoffee · 19/02/2025 10:56

My DH describes my figure as enviable. I’m 60 this year and still weigh 7.5 Stone after 5 children. I hate him to see me naked, but it’s not about body image. I can’t bear to feel I’m being observed without clothes. I’m generally incredibly self-conscious and my flesh creeps at the thought of being ‘ogled’ .

Titsywoo · 19/02/2025 10:59

I am perfectly comfortable being completely naked in front of DH - we have been together 23 years and seen each other through illness, childbirth etc so there is pretty much nothing I wouldn't do in front of him! I am happy with my body (even if it is several stone 'overweight' and he finds me beautiful and sexy fat or thin.

Futb · 19/02/2025 11:01

I wont be fully naked in front of my DH as I hate the stretch marks on my stomach since being pregnant and the excess skin that couldn’t be removed through diet and exercise. I put a little vest top over my stomach to hide it when we have sex.

He says he’s not bothered and that’s probably true but I am so no one will be seeing my overhanging stretchmark stomach

AnAltogetherDifferentSortOfThing · 19/02/2025 11:36

The worst/most ridiculous thing is if you ask them why they've said it (which I have a couple of times). They can't tell you.

They didn't mean it, or they weren't thinking and it just popped out, or they deny having ever said it, or it was a joke. Although, they can't ever tell you why it was funny either or what the punchline was.

If you ask them what they hoped to achieve by saying it because, presumably they weren't aiming to be dumped, they don't know that either.

Because, of course, its rarely what they really think or what they really meant.

Well of course, it wouldn't be would it. I mean who would build a relationship with someone who trusts them, who is confident and not self conscious, who enthusiastically has sex with them and then deliberately knock all of that down? But they still do it.

ItGhoul · 19/02/2025 11:50

AnAltogetherDifferentSortOfThing · 19/02/2025 10:35

Of course you wouldn't date them if they were unkind to you!

But what if the first time they were unkind to you was when you had been with them for long enough to trust them and be comfortable being naked with them? And what if you were naked when they said it? And it was your naked body they were unkind about?

And what if you dumped them and sometime later, met someone else who then did the same thing? Followed by someone who did the same thing?

Like I said, I think I look OK. If I look at myself in the mirror, I can see that I'm not perfect but I look pretty good (and not even 'for my age' - I look good).

For me, there just came a point when I thought, do you know what? I just don't want to hear it anymore.

I hear what you're saying abut not letting it affect you being with someone new and that's how I felt too. For a very long time.

Show quote history

I think that, if I were in your very unusual position of only ever having dated men who have criticised my appearance, I would be inclined to wonder about my choice of men. There is a clearly a common theme there in terms of your past partners’ values and characters, and I think you would probably benefit from therapy to help you understand how/why you were so vulnerable to them and how you might be happier in the future. I wish you well.

Motorflight · 19/02/2025 12:29

AnAltogetherDifferentSortOfThing · 19/02/2025 11:36

The worst/most ridiculous thing is if you ask them why they've said it (which I have a couple of times). They can't tell you.

They didn't mean it, or they weren't thinking and it just popped out, or they deny having ever said it, or it was a joke. Although, they can't ever tell you why it was funny either or what the punchline was.

If you ask them what they hoped to achieve by saying it because, presumably they weren't aiming to be dumped, they don't know that either.

Because, of course, its rarely what they really think or what they really meant.

Well of course, it wouldn't be would it. I mean who would build a relationship with someone who trusts them, who is confident and not self conscious, who enthusiastically has sex with them and then deliberately knock all of that down? But they still do it.

My H once told me to cover up and stop walking around the bedroom naked as he “would get bored looking at it”

I should have listened, he was showing me who he was, a novelty seeker. And let’s just say I found out his past relationships have all involved cheating and he’s not been the most attentive partner to me either.

He’s said other hurtful things that have gone in and cut me over the years, flippant comments about my stretch marks whilst pregnant, same about my boobs whilst breastfeeding and many others. When I ask him “why did you say that to me, it hurt me and fueled disordered eating and the intense revulsion and shame I feel about it my body not being 17 anymore” he says “I dunno” or “I didn’t mean anything by it you just took it that way”

Do I still be naked at times? Yes? But I always feel apologetic about it like I’m subjecting him to seeing something gross, damaged, not good enough.

He never says those shit offhand things to me anymore and says he likes my body but all the chipping away at me over the years has damaged my relationship with my body irrevocably and I’ve spent 3 decades at war with it through eating disorders and other self harming behaviours. All because of shit things he’s said and done that he can’t explain why he’s said or did them.

Original poster
SnowflakeSmasher86 · 19/02/2025 12:48

@Motorflight that made me feel really tearful. I’m so sorry he made you feel like that. What a shit he is. Thanks

OP posts:
Bugaloo77 · 19/02/2025 13:08

I am quite happy to get changed in front of my husband and he comes in the bathroom when I’m in the bath. But I wouldn’t walk around the house naked, I wouldn’t do it when I’m home alone either though.

AnAltogetherDifferentSortOfThing · 19/02/2025 13:13

Motorflight

That's so terribly sad to read.

“I didn’t mean anything by it you just took it that way”

Have you ever pushed him on it? Asked, if how you took it was 'wrong', what exactly did he mean?

He still wouldn't have an answer because the answer is "I just wanted to make you feel a bit shit about yourself" and even they recognise that that isn't a good look!

Juniperwilde · 19/02/2025 13:19

I voted YABU, for me I’m perfectly okay with walking around naked and being naked with my partner and having the lights on etc.

I don’t love my body. I used to really like it… But I’ve put on a fair bit of weight now and my body has other issues and health issues which doesn’t help my perception towards it… but I am happy and comfortable and feel safe to be naked at any point in front of my partner.

I understand completely how/why other people don’t feel comfortable, don’t want to though. Whether that’s how you’ve been brought up, previous partners, how you feel about your own body or the partner you’re with now.

I was previously married and I didn’t feel comfortable. He talked about my body/looks a lot… giving me compliments and talking about it sexually… and more so when I got undressed etc so much so that I didn’t want to in front of him…. it was too much and too overwhelming and I felt pressure to be sexual with him. I told him all this but it still carried on occasionally (hence the divorce).
I am with a woman now and I feel very comfortable and she doesn’t comment like he did… and I know she finds me beautiful/attractive.

This is a really good question you asked and it’s interesting to see all the answers.

AnAltogetherDifferentSortOfThing · 19/02/2025 13:25

I am with a woman now and I feel very comfortable and she doesn’t comment like he did… and I know she finds me beautiful/attractive.

❤️ God I wish I found women attractive!

My closest friend is a lesbian and we've both had relationship woes over the years and talked about them endlessly! But this is one thing she's never had to deal with and she can't fathom it. The way she's talked about her partners physically over the years is beautiful tbh. She just can't fathom why men do it.

I'd love for someone to see me the way she sees her partner.

RebelStarChild · 19/02/2025 13:27

Queenofthejabs · 19/02/2025 07:21

Well I mean theirs appreciation and then there darling can you check my piles appreciation. I appreciate my husbands body, I have no desire to check his arsehole for piles.

Show quote history

If you're checking piles clearly it's not about desire.
If my partner had an issue and asked for my help I would help them, because I care about them.

RebelStarChild · 19/02/2025 13:36

AnAltogetherDifferentSortOfThing · 19/02/2025 11:36

The worst/most ridiculous thing is if you ask them why they've said it (which I have a couple of times). They can't tell you.

They didn't mean it, or they weren't thinking and it just popped out, or they deny having ever said it, or it was a joke. Although, they can't ever tell you why it was funny either or what the punchline was.

If you ask them what they hoped to achieve by saying it because, presumably they weren't aiming to be dumped, they don't know that either.

Because, of course, its rarely what they really think or what they really meant.

Well of course, it wouldn't be would it. I mean who would build a relationship with someone who trusts them, who is confident and not self conscious, who enthusiastically has sex with them and then deliberately knock all of that down? But they still do it.

Sorry if I missed it, but do you feel they all make the same comment or are the comments different?

I'm wondering if they are knocking down your confidence intentionally.

AsLivingArrows · 19/02/2025 13:37

Motorflight · 19/02/2025 12:29

My H once told me to cover up and stop walking around the bedroom naked as he “would get bored looking at it”

I should have listened, he was showing me who he was, a novelty seeker. And let’s just say I found out his past relationships have all involved cheating and he’s not been the most attentive partner to me either.

He’s said other hurtful things that have gone in and cut me over the years, flippant comments about my stretch marks whilst pregnant, same about my boobs whilst breastfeeding and many others. When I ask him “why did you say that to me, it hurt me and fueled disordered eating and the intense revulsion and shame I feel about it my body not being 17 anymore” he says “I dunno” or “I didn’t mean anything by it you just took it that way”

Do I still be naked at times? Yes? But I always feel apologetic about it like I’m subjecting him to seeing something gross, damaged, not good enough.

He never says those shit offhand things to me anymore and says he likes my body but all the chipping away at me over the years has damaged my relationship with my body irrevocably and I’ve spent 3 decades at war with it through eating disorders and other self harming behaviours. All because of shit things he’s said and done that he can’t explain why he’s said or did them.

Show quote history

That's really awful. Those comments must have really hurt your feelings. Of course it's not on you for taking it the wrong way. He shouldn't be making those comments at all for any reason.

RebelStarChild · 19/02/2025 13:41

Motorflight · 19/02/2025 12:29

My H once told me to cover up and stop walking around the bedroom naked as he “would get bored looking at it”

I should have listened, he was showing me who he was, a novelty seeker. And let’s just say I found out his past relationships have all involved cheating and he’s not been the most attentive partner to me either.

He’s said other hurtful things that have gone in and cut me over the years, flippant comments about my stretch marks whilst pregnant, same about my boobs whilst breastfeeding and many others. When I ask him “why did you say that to me, it hurt me and fueled disordered eating and the intense revulsion and shame I feel about it my body not being 17 anymore” he says “I dunno” or “I didn’t mean anything by it you just took it that way”

Do I still be naked at times? Yes? But I always feel apologetic about it like I’m subjecting him to seeing something gross, damaged, not good enough.

He never says those shit offhand things to me anymore and says he likes my body but all the chipping away at me over the years has damaged my relationship with my body irrevocably and I’ve spent 3 decades at war with it through eating disorders and other self harming behaviours. All because of shit things he’s said and done that he can’t explain why he’s said or did them.

Show quote history

You shouldn't be naked in front of that man.
You shouldn't even be with that man.