Not wanting to have a party for adult dc

[Catshelper]

Our house is smallish and homely.
We haven't hosted parties in our house since our children were mid teens.
Instead we've always given them money to go away with a few friends or a big night out in a city.

Dd moved back home after being at university, living in London and working in hospitality to go on holidays and visit friends.

She has a history of mental health issues and was very ill in her teens, she knows we do everything we can to help support her and alleviate her problems.

She's not happy here, we've made a lot of adjustments to try and make her feel comfortable and prevent her MH problems escalating.

She works part time in a local bar, is looking for more work but can't afford to move out yet.

She is turning 23 soon and wants to invite around 10-15 people over for a party.

I did say a tentative yes but also offered her money to go to London for a night out with a couple of friends instead which I thought she'd prefer.
She told me last night not all her friends could do that so she wants the party. She said she would feel sad on her birthday if she wasn't surrounded by all her friends.

So she said she will have the gathering here, move furniture, remove breakables and move the rug in the main room so she can relax without worrying and having anxiety.

I was caught off guard a bit so said I'd think about it but she got mad at me saying I'd already agreed.

My DH says people at 23 don't have parties in their parents houses, but I feel it could set off her depression and I worry about her becoming very ill with it again.

Are we being unreasonable not wanting to host a party for her?

OP your posts are contradictory in knowing she has a history of having wild parties at uni and saying yes to having one at home. I think cards on the table. Tell DD she can have the party because you agreed to it but that she’s in charge and is responsible for everyone’s behaviour and to put responsibility on her friends too, if they come and start wrecking the house they’ll be out and she’ll be expecting them to pay. Real friends won’t wreck their host’s house, they just won’t . Take your jewels with you and stay away for the night and lock breakables somewhere, leave her to it and be very clear about the ground rules. If she can’t hack it she can’t have the party and if she allows her friends to trash the house, she moves out. Time for a reality check

Did you read the updates?
Daughter herself has said they need to lock up breakables. 2 friends get paralytic. They may take drugs.

Would you want this in your home?

Following your update about drugs, vomiting and destruction I think it's fine to say no. I'm not sure I would rent her an AirBnb either if there might be damage! You don't need to find an alternative for her, just state your boundaries and she can plan around them.

Just thinking generally, have you ever thought about autism? The unusual boundaries around not wanting to tell you when she goes out etc reminds me a bit of my autistic teenager, who also has some mental health challenges.

This is why my DD doesn't want to move home after graduating - so she can live her own life - desperately trying to find work and it's not easy even in retail and hospitality - she does have a job at home to go back to but wants the independence and freedom.

However, I'd be happy for DD to have gatherings at home if she did come back as we do get on well and have a great relationship and she doesn't take the piss (also has MH issues). I wouldn't particularly want a wild party, but 10-15 people, they can stay downstairs in kitchen diner (not massive but OK for 15) - we've had parties here before. DH and I would go out and/or stay out of the way.
10-15 people isn't a party, it's a gathering. If you think the behaviour is going to get out of hand then you shouldn't have said yes in the first place and I'd just encourage her now to go for a meal out - you can't really hire a room for 10-15 - would be emtpy and sad!

My friends put a gazebo on the back of their kitchen for their son's party. It had a couple of heaters and access to the garden for overspill. The only time guests entered the main part of the house was to use the bathroom. Could something like this work?

From everything you have written so far, I have the feeling your daughter does not respect you and your DH. She's pitched the party to you because she knows you're the parent who's most likely to enable her to get her way (yet I feel she highly resents you as well). I was a bit shocked to read that you had agreed to the party knowing that your DD has wild parties at uni and even entertained the idea of moving furniture around to accommodate her plans, etc. Why would you go along with this knowing that your house is going to get trashed and you will afterwards be put, again, on some guilt trip where you'll hold back your disappointment and anger in case it brings on her depression??
Later, when you described her as not talking to either you or DH and wanting to come and go as she pleases on a daily basis - well, that's tremendously disrespectful. She can't benefit from living with her parents, but wants to act like her parents are not there. WTH?!
Does she buy her own groceries? Wash her own clothes?
This party idea is very bad. I think your hiring a room for her as some others have suggested is a sound idea. Her treatment of you and your DH and her love of wild parties at uni make this a recipe for disaster.
I hope you don't cave in while she continues using her MH to manipulate you.

Our eldest moved out at 23 but he sometimes hosts parties at our house, and all his mates stay. We are such soft touches that we buy all the booze and food and then check into a hotel for the night and leave them to it.

The youngest is still at home and hosts gatherings here too. They both do it in the summer, I’d not be nuts about it in the winter.

I would not be happy to do it though if I thought there was a very good chance of things getting damaged.

Two of my DC are young adults and live with me.

For past two years, the 19 yo has rented an Airbnb to have a birthday party with his mates. He’d never want to have a party in our place, out of respect for me. It’s his booking. It’s his responsibility if anything’s damaged or nuisance caused. There never is as far as I know. They’re all responsible, streetwise, respectful young people, even though they like a party. They all tidy up. They do the same when they go on holiday with mates to other cities in Europe.

If you don’t want a party in your home, just say no. Your DD should be less entitled and have more respect for you.

There must be a room in a pub they can do to. Yes it’s cheaper at home and they can behave like they want but really deep down she will know she’s being unreasonable.

can your husband deal with this one?

You sound nice

I think - well it's one night - why not? Will her friends trash the place?

Just get her an air bnb or a "party pad". My city is full of them so I'm sure be some local to you.

Whoops - just seen the update. Hmmm not so clearcut

An Airbnb for a party of young people? Absolutely not. Unless you want to spend thousands on a place that is set up for parties then this is not only against Airbnb terms but it's a shitty thing to do to a host.

I know this isn't the answer to your original question but I think you are pandering to her from fear of her depression returning and I don't think that's doing her any favours.

You’re unreasonable to agree to something in the moment for fear of upsetting her, and then withdraw the offer as you didn’t really mean it. I can see how that would make her feel. No one gets depressed because they’re not allowed a party. But a lack of clear communication can’t be helping her longer term recovery.

OP, be very clear with your DD and it will likely make her happier.
I struggle with ' yes' for 'maybe/no' myself and would find you very hard to live with.
From today, stop and consider what she asks (no immediate answers no mollycoddling) then give factual responses. You'll build trust and gain her respect.
If you don't want the party give a hard 'no' now. If you don't mind, say 'yes'.
Stop over complicating things as it will affect her mental health!

Surely she’d be hosting the party not you? Do you have friends or family you could go and stay with for the night? Let her have a bit of fun!

Yes I thought the same.

Once more for the 'aw poor girl, let her have fun, leave your own house' she and her friends will wreck it, they have form
She has a history of wild parties when in uni, and at least two of her friends get paralytic drunk, thus the moving breakables including the television.
There is a realistic risk of damage, smoking/vaping/possible drugs use in the house,.being sick etc

Dora it really matter? A party for one night? Especially if it makes your dd happy.

edited as just seen about destruction/drugs etc!
Be clear to say you need to find home in the same condition you left it in. Surely at 23, people have more respect than at uni though?

Even your DD acknowledges that there is potential for the house to be trashed.

She is being very unreasonable OP.

If you don’t want drunken people in your house taking drugs, throwing up, not caring about your lovely home etc, then you have every good reason to say -no sorry we don’t invite that sort of behaviour here. You also have a right to expect your DD to respect your final decision and accept it happily without rancour.

It seems things have gone too far OP.
In trying to ward off her depression, you have given your DD carte blanche to disrespect you both as parents and as responsible owners of your home.
I’m sure she’s also very unhappy with the situation where she can’t even talk to you, having laid down those very rules herself. It has resulted in a toxic situation which can’t continue. There’s no sense in it at all.
She’s like a naughty child with too much power and it has backfired big time.

Therefore you have to take firm control again.
Her uni life is over and can’t be resurrected in your home.

You need to pull it right back for her sake as well as yours.
Put some rules in place that suit everybody and that constitute a cheerful household where everybody is respected as long as it’s not to the detriment of anybody else.

Tell her she can’t have a uni-style house party but she’s very welcome to invite her well behaved friends round for a nice meal and a glass of wine to celebrate her birthday. Tell her you will help her prepare it all as long as she puts some effort in too. If she argues, tell her you definitely won’t be re-arranging your furnishings in order to avoid a house-trash party as that won’t be happening and it’s petulant that she suggests it’s necessary to have her own way in order to be happy.

Your DD has some growing up to do OP.

This also doesnt mean that Op cant change her mind.

Sounds to me like OP could be a victim of coercive and controlling domestic abuse by her daughter (law says it can be any family member) as per this doc:

Some of the signs are:
• The victim is made to follow rules
• The victim is not allowed to make their own decisions
• The victim is frightened of their partner, ex-partner or family member;

assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/media/6267c429e90e0716982a3250/ContCoerBehavStatGuid_V3-10-04-22.pdf

Your DDs manipulative control of her parents is a much more worrying aspect of her mental health than the potential of her being "sad" OP. I mean this kindly but she needs help.

Is it not her house too? Surely there shouldn't be any problems at that age. If she is happy to invite her friends in what's the problem?

Thank you everyone especially if you've read my updates.
I really appreciate so many of the helpful replies, I'm reading everything and feeling a shift in how I see things.

To answer some questions, I initially said yes because I thought it was more of a "gathering" but the second conversation was when my dd said about moving breakables and more people I realised it was more like a uni house party!

All of her friends are lovely when sober but honestly the stories I could tell you about a couple of them are alarming, and they're just the stories I've been told.
.
So my plan is to try and talk to her today, WFH so hopefully will see her, DH says he will when he's home from work tonight so I'll see how the day goes.

I'm going to suggest a function room or pub with money towards their drinks from us.

I'm glad you've got a plan to address the party OP, don't be guilt tripped by her.

I hope you and your DH can also get together and discuss how you'll proceed with tackling the rest of her behaviour. As many others have said, although you're trying to do all you can to help her, you might be having the opposite effect.