Not wanting to have a party for adult dc

[Catshelper]

Our house is smallish and homely.
We haven't hosted parties in our house since our children were mid teens.
Instead we've always given them money to go away with a few friends or a big night out in a city.

Dd moved back home after being at university, living in London and working in hospitality to go on holidays and visit friends.

She has a history of mental health issues and was very ill in her teens, she knows we do everything we can to help support her and alleviate her problems.

She's not happy here, we've made a lot of adjustments to try and make her feel comfortable and prevent her MH problems escalating.

She works part time in a local bar, is looking for more work but can't afford to move out yet.

She is turning 23 soon and wants to invite around 10-15 people over for a party.

I did say a tentative yes but also offered her money to go to London for a night out with a couple of friends instead which I thought she'd prefer.
She told me last night not all her friends could do that so she wants the party. She said she would feel sad on her birthday if she wasn't surrounded by all her friends.

So she said she will have the gathering here, move furniture, remove breakables and move the rug in the main room so she can relax without worrying and having anxiety.

I was caught off guard a bit so said I'd think about it but she got mad at me saying I'd already agreed.

My DH says people at 23 don't have parties in their parents houses, but I feel it could set off her depression and I worry about her becoming very ill with it again.

Are we being unreasonable not wanting to host a party for her?

Tell her she’s having the party elsewhere and you won’t be subsiding it either.
She sounds a bit of a madam and it’s time for her to grow up and for you and your husband to stop pussyfooting around her.

RTFT and she sounds a nightmare no party

You are being manipulated lovely lady. Its your home No is a perfectly acceptable answer. Wouldn't happen in mine and I would be straight about it with no apology.

No that's not how depression works, but the OP needs boundaries to protect her own decisions. That can be hard to implement with adult children, but needs to be done, not to fix or develop resilience in them, but to keep ourselves safe, in all aspects.
I have an adult child living with me, severe MH issues, I have tried the pussyfooting around and giving more than I should because of my own fear and sadness.
It must be a terrifying thought that your DD may slide into mental ill health OP, but she is an adult, and although you can support this is not your responsibility.
She works in a pub- could that place have a room for hire?

I haven't had parties for my kids at home since they were 6 or 7 years old, and I wouldn't have any type of party in my house.
My home is my safe and sacred place, I don't want strangers in touching my stuff, damaging things, spilling drnks.

Boundaries in relationships allow us to love more deeply- not less.

If the friends have a history of vomiting, trashing things and generally being awful, then I’d think twice about an AirBnb, because if you don’t want to pay for damages in your own home you’re going to like it even less when it’s inflated costs for someone else’s 😬

Your daughter is an adult. It’s not your responsibility to facilitate a birthday party for a 23 yo. MH issues or not, I would be putting my foot down and saying no, and I probably wouldn’t offer a compromise either (I do think you’ve massively shot yourself in the foot by saying yes in the first place, be it tentatively or not). If she wants a party, she arranges it, and she finds an alternative venue.

If you’re concerned about your relationship with your daughter breaking down, it honestly sounds like that’s already happening with her existing behaviour - treating the house like she’s a lodger etc. Is she in therapy? If not, why not?

I would do this for my DC if they lived at home still.
It’s only one evening.
its a bit annoying but I’d still do it.

She wants control OP and I totally understand that. I’d be the same. Everything you’ve said here sounds fine, she wants it to feel like her home, not her mums home when she was a teen.

Having said all that, the party sounds like a bad idea - I wouldn’t allow it due to the risks you’ve mentioned.

Be honest with her. “I’m sorry Dd, I know I said maybe but I’m now feeling anxious about it and would rather you meet elsewhere. This isn’t about you, it’s about the risk of damage to our home and I feel uncomfortable about it.”

I love it when my kids (early 20s) invite friends over. I wouldn’t have thought twice about saying yes. They have a nice bunch of friends and this is their home. That includes the one who has been to uni and back.

You're adults sharing a house and I'd expect to negotiate this like any other group of adults sharing a home when one wants to invite people over. If that means some people aren't comfortable with it then it doesn't go ahead. But it sounds like you're expecting her to behave like a child living in your home, and she's leaning into that when it suits her.

I have suffered extremely with my mental health conditions my whole life. I have diagnosed bipolar type 1, anxiety disorder and manic depression. I have never had my depression “triggered” by being told no it’s a part of life. Also in the nicest possible way being pussy footed about isn't going achieve anything, trust me the rest of the world isn’t going to be treating her like she is made of glass and she is going to be very ill-prepared for real life.

You can move furniture (apparently? Can you really move sofas easily? I know we couldn’t), but you can’t move kitchen or bathroom fittings. I’ve been at a party before where the basin in the downstairs loo was broken by someone sitting in it, and also one where all the food was taken from the cupboards and thrown about - boxes of cereal, jars of coffee etc, and mugs and plates broken. You can’t party proof your home. It’s impossible, and it is in fact YOUR home that you and your husband have worked hard for. Yes it’s hers too, but she’s treating it like a bedsit.

I completely understand how hard it is. My daughters are 26 and 23. The 26 year old is currently back at home, although she wouldn’t ask. The 23 year old was exactly as manipulative as your daughter sounds. When she moved back it was almost exactly as you’re describing - walking on eggshells, only speaking to us if she wanted something. It was hard and heartbreaking. She’s a boundary pusher, and if we’d have said yes to a party, there would have been something else demanded - god knows what. Lions and tigers roaming around? Me and my husband waiting on them in uniform? Instead of an evening party, a whole weekend one? Luckily, she never asked.

You’re not going to win, she’s going to be angry with you, but what can she do? You’ll get the silent treatment, but you’re already getting it.

Please please don’t give in, and stop worrying. It isn’t actually going to affect her mental health, no matter what she says or implies. It’ll just piss her off. It’s your home. It’ll cost fortunes to sort out if anything gets ruined, and it’ll take ages to feel homely again, a bit like after a burglary.

I really feel for you - it’s so hard.

Could you say she can have maximum 5 people over due to the size of the house, but you'd be amenable to a larger number when the weather is warmer and they can go in the garden and have a barbecue (if that's feasible)?

for my 21st i had a few friends round for snacks and champagne before going to the big town to a night club!

Saying no to a party does not cause, trigger, or worsen depression.

Say no to the party.

A dinner party yes a party no

This!!

I do wish people would read updates before posting.

I agree with this I would have a night away in a local hotel and let her have her party. It is her home as well after all. We've done this for our adult son who lives with us. He also has some MH issues and having a party at home for some reason is less anxiety inducing for him than having it at a venue

I think yanbu to not want to buy you've kind of shot yourself in the foot saying yes.

However when I read all the updates about how she treats you then the details of the second conversation about moving breakables I think it doesn't matter.

You HAVE to say no. It is not helping her mh and it will damage yours if this continues. She is too old to be so self obsessed and selfish. There's no way she should be inviting people into your home with an expectation that they will likely damage things.

I think it's OK to change the goalposts actually. You didn't offer her a massive party you offered her a space for her to get together with her friends, who at 23 you'd expect to have stopped behaving like teenagers. She then advised its the kind of party where people get paralytic drunk, get sick, and break things. It's normal to not want 15 adults trashing your house. I'd say sure she can have the party if it's limited to under 10 people, and she can guarantee no one gets paralytic or damages anything and she is happy with you in the house and that you'll stop it any time it looks like those requirements might not be met.

I do think you're pandering to her anxiety. And that isn't going to help her in the long run. Basically being polite causes her to be anxious apparently so you have to put up with her being extremely rude indefinitely. You're not allowed to talk unless she speaks first, is she fucking J-Lo? Not sure what the answer is (family therapy?) as I understand its hard to insist on other behaviour when you don't know what the consequences will be...but it does need to be addressed or these patterns of behaviour will become engrained in your relationship with each other. Does she not realise or care that living with other people when you don't even know if they're in the house or not or if you're allowed to speak to them etc will make you anxious?

If her MH depends on having a party or not then you’re already fighting a losing game, OP.

Personally I’d let her invite a few friends around and then knob off for the evening myself. Come home and start offering to book taxi’s - but you’re not me so it doesn’t really matter.

You’re over thinking it and she’s playing you, big time. If you don’t want a party at your house you don’t need to justify it.

..and frankly, if she doesn’t like being at your house she should move out. The whole “I’ll be sad without my friends” is horseshit, and sve can see her friends without taking over your home.

Hate to say it OP but your DD sounds a bit spoilt and needs to grow up.

I know, especially the 'she is an equal adult in the home and her wants MUST be met!' 🙄

Your daughter should be getting some counselling and making headway with her anxiety.
I would suggest having the party at the local pub or hire a function room nearby or a hall open to a paddock or have the guests all book into a holiday park with tents, camp kitchen and fire pits..
Order in pizzas or catering, have a fire pit and music.
Booking a large house, air B&B, I think would have rules for not hosting parties.

A party for twenty in your home is unreasonable if you don't want that.

OP (following all your updates),

my heart breaks for you as I have a adult dc who was suicidal in their teens and the gut wrenching fear and guilt of ever triggering that again makes us do / agree to anything to keep her happy.

I know it's not good for her resilience and I know it's not a healthy dynamic but she too says things like "I'll be really sad if I'm not with all my friends on my birthday" and when I hear the words "really sad" I'll literally do whatever it takes to avoid that sadness as I am terrified she will try to hurt herself again. We came so close to losing her and that fear never leaves my heart.

We are in very similar situations as she too is highly social and works in hospitality but talks to us like shit sometimes and wanted a New Year's Eve party at our house (she lives with us too). Like you The Fear made me say yes initially and it was all organised even though I was absolutely dreading a repeat of the damaging teen parties. Then - on that day of the party itself!! - something just broke in me and I took all my courage and said no, I'd changed my mind and on reflection I just couldn't face it, that I would give them £100 for a few rounds in the local pub but no, no party was going to be happening here. And guess what? It was all fine, they all had a brilliant wild time and my dd didn't feel sad and I felt our boundaries were a tiny bit healthier...