Not wanting to have a party for adult dc

[Catshelper]

Our house is smallish and homely.
We haven't hosted parties in our house since our children were mid teens.
Instead we've always given them money to go away with a few friends or a big night out in a city.

Dd moved back home after being at university, living in London and working in hospitality to go on holidays and visit friends.

She has a history of mental health issues and was very ill in her teens, she knows we do everything we can to help support her and alleviate her problems.

She's not happy here, we've made a lot of adjustments to try and make her feel comfortable and prevent her MH problems escalating.

She works part time in a local bar, is looking for more work but can't afford to move out yet.

She is turning 23 soon and wants to invite around 10-15 people over for a party.

I did say a tentative yes but also offered her money to go to London for a night out with a couple of friends instead which I thought she'd prefer.
She told me last night not all her friends could do that so she wants the party. She said she would feel sad on her birthday if she wasn't surrounded by all her friends.

So she said she will have the gathering here, move furniture, remove breakables and move the rug in the main room so she can relax without worrying and having anxiety.

I was caught off guard a bit so said I'd think about it but she got mad at me saying I'd already agreed.

My DH says people at 23 don't have parties in their parents houses, but I feel it could set off her depression and I worry about her becoming very ill with it again.

Are we being unreasonable not wanting to host a party for her?

Why can't she (and they) go to the pub?

What a relief to see some sense especially the She is too old to be so self obsessed and selfish.
Absolutely hits nail on the head, there's far too many posters saying 'oh but you said yes, so, nothing can change!'

You need to stop automatically saying yes just because you feel sorry for your daughter. Say no next time. She is a 23 year old woman! I would not have 15 drunk 20 year old in my small house either! You're crazy to have agreed! You need to say no and explain why. Tell her to go out with her mates instead. My sister had an 18th party at our parents once. About 20 people came and it was so difficult getting them to leave at midnight. My parents said, never again.

I’ve read your posts.

You’ve tried to stop her anxiety by avoiding putting her in situations that make her feel anxious. But that means her anxiety remains forever. Anxious people need to learn how to feel anxious and do things anyway. It’s the only way forward.

Read anxious parents, anxious kids. It’s aimed at people with younger kids but the general principles remain.

I’d let her have the party with the proviso that she does all the prep, shopping, cooking, and tidying up. And then I’d take myself off to a hotel for the weekend and let her get on with it.

I wouldn't really call 10-15 people a party. If she was 16 then it would probably end in chaos but she's 23 so hopefully her fiends are over the being sick and trashing the house stage. My DS is 23 and I would have no issue with him having a gathering at home. He knows it would be on him to tidy up the next day. I would probably go out for the evening.

You have said it yourself, she is manipulating you. It is not going to affect her mental health by being told she can’t have a party at home but I guarantee she is going to have one hell of a tantrum and will try to use MH as a lever to get you to cave in. Get tough OP, you are enabling her.

She can still have a big party elsewhere, she could have a smaller party at home without the raucous drunks that break things. You will help her but you won’t agree to her turning your home in to a nightclub. It is not fair to you or your husband.

It is likely to turn in to a blazing row but I think it needs saying OP. She wouldn’t be able to act like this as a paying lodger in someone else’s home so why does she think it is ok to treat you like it? Being pleasant to you does not affect her mental health, talking to you does not affect her mental health, not having a party at home will not affect her mental health. She sounds perfectly capable of talking when she wants something- she is treating you like a door mat and it needs to stop.

I would let my 23 year old have a party at my home, but only if I knew the friends. Do you know the friends OP?

It's her home, she loves there. I'd let her.

Given your updates, I believe you are being completely and utterly held to ransom by your daughter who has totally learned how to use her mental health to manipulate you as she knows it ‘scares’ you.l to think you might ‘make it worse’.

She is now affecting your mental health OP and, quite honestly how is that acceptable? Time for a sit down and chat. Our house, our rules, no more tiptoeing around and if she doesn’t like it she can move out!

She can have privacy in her room and you won’t knock, but it will cost her xx bed and board for the pleasure and if she isn’t eating at the table with you she can supply her own food as well!

Shes 23, not a child. When was she diagnosed with anxiety? She has loads of friends and works in a pub for crying out loud, she hardly has the crippling anxiety she has led you to believe she has if you are honesty with yourself, does she? Regardless her mental health doesn’t trump anyone else’s.

Why don’t you help her prep for the party and then you’ll both stay upstairs to support her so that if there is a problem she has some support on site given her mental health, you wouldn’t want something to happen that flares her anxiety and for her to have no physical and emotional support to cope with it after all, would you? Bet that results in her finding another venue for said party!

I say this in kindness as someone who was very anxious at 23 and still lived at home.
Your daughter is playing you both like a fiddle, and in fact this treatment of her by both parents is not helping her at all.
She gets to live at home, comes and goes as she pleases, doesn’t bother with you both, and then demands a party where she knows there is a risk of damage.
This is storing up future problems. 23 is a key age and if this continues at 33 she will not change. Then 43.
Plenty of people with MH problems lead adult lives.
No is a full sentence. You do not want what is an essence a gang of overgrown teenagers trashing your home.
MN is full of threads about family members who as adults cannot function in the world.
Your daughter should go to counselling. You need to show a bit of tough love because actually the people suffering here are the parents - you must be both anxious yourselves living like this.
A conversation is needed and if your DD kicks back, let her. If she sulks, let her. Do not continue to enable her behaviour.
You think you are helping, but believe me you are not. It doesn’t mean throwing her out. If she wishes to live in your home as an adult then she behaves as one.
If she wants to party, get drunk and make a mess with her mates then she does not do it in your home.
This is not a normal family set up where a few friends come round for meals and drinks and a good social time.

Could you hire a hall?
l would be wary of a air bb in case it gets trashed?
You could do some light catering etc
l realise this may mean a day time party, but l think using your home will affect your mental health - don’t you count?

They're not over this stage of vomiting and wrecking the place according to ops posts!

Even if she was living in a house share with other adults and not her parents, she'd still need to be considerate of the home and the feelings of other people living there.

What I'm hearing is very little compromise or thought about others.

I lived with my dad briefly after uni. At one stage I had a birthday party there. I asked my dad in advance and only invited a small number of friends, no one who would cause any trouble. This was fine with my dad because he liked my friends and having people round. I would never have had a massive house party there with people I thought might break things or do drugs. That would just be disrespectful to my dad.

I would hire or borrow a small marquee and host in the garden with heaters.

It's her home and she wants to have a small party at her home? I don't really get the issue unless you think her and her friends are irresponsible and going to cause damage

She said she’s made anxious by her own mum asking her a question? Anxious about what? She sounds like she’s acting like a spoilt brat. Will she be telling her employer or customers at the pub not to speak to her to? She’s being ridiculous.

I wouldn’t allow the party. She could go to a nightclub with her mates where they can get drunk there and the club can clean up the sick. She is being so rude to you. You don’t need to accept it.

Yes it sounds like this is exactly what OP is worried about. She said friends who get paraletic, break stuff, untrustworthy, vomiting, drug taking.

And no do not get an Airbnb! You’ll likely get banned.

Bloody hell...just tell her no! It's her 23rd birthday...nothing special about it ffs! Who even has a party on their 23rd birthday? Surely you just meet your mates down the pub!!

What a load of drama about a bloody standard birthday!

It’s perfectly reasonable to refuse to host a party that requires anything breakable or valuable to be locked away, first. She is not a student any more and, in all honesty, I don’t see how she thinks a party involving drug taking and heavy drinking is going to help her mental health issues, anyway.

I would offer a dinner party not a house party. It does sound like your dd is being quite manipulative in some ways, surely her entire mental health can not rise and fall on one party.

Being told "no, sorry love, no party" does not trigger depression. It probably will trigger feelings of disappointment, sadness and anger. Those are fine feelings to have, nothing to be concerned about

Hire a venue maybe? A cheap one, there must be options?

I think she is using mental health as an excuse to behave badly - there is no reason she can't speak to you when she is going in and out. And as her friends can't be trusted it should be a no to a party. It would be different if you all had a decent adult relationship and her friends knew how to behave. My son was still at home at age 22/23 and as we were away one new year had 7/8 friends over. The difference is he was lovely and his friends are respectful.