Not wanting to have a party for adult dc

[Catshelper]

Our house is smallish and homely.
We haven't hosted parties in our house since our children were mid teens.
Instead we've always given them money to go away with a few friends or a big night out in a city.

Dd moved back home after being at university, living in London and working in hospitality to go on holidays and visit friends.

She has a history of mental health issues and was very ill in her teens, she knows we do everything we can to help support her and alleviate her problems.

She's not happy here, we've made a lot of adjustments to try and make her feel comfortable and prevent her MH problems escalating.

She works part time in a local bar, is looking for more work but can't afford to move out yet.

She is turning 23 soon and wants to invite around 10-15 people over for a party.

I did say a tentative yes but also offered her money to go to London for a night out with a couple of friends instead which I thought she'd prefer.
She told me last night not all her friends could do that so she wants the party. She said she would feel sad on her birthday if she wasn't surrounded by all her friends.

So she said she will have the gathering here, move furniture, remove breakables and move the rug in the main room so she can relax without worrying and having anxiety.

I was caught off guard a bit so said I'd think about it but she got mad at me saying I'd already agreed.

My DH says people at 23 don't have parties in their parents houses, but I feel it could set off her depression and I worry about her becoming very ill with it again.

Are we being unreasonable not wanting to host a party for her?

This gave me chills. I actually told my DH last week of a situation with her where it reminded me of being bullied at school. I really felt triggered and have been feeling low about it since then.

But as some of you have rightly surmised, we do suspect may be ND, she does as well.
She explains her rules in terms of what someone with autism would need, and looking back to her MH problems when she was a teen it made sense.

So I'm not sure how to think about it all, I guess I feel guilty for not identifying it when she was younger and getting her help and give in to her.
Although to be fair she did have camhs involved and was treated for anxiety related MH problems.

She might feel you want to give her money to get rid of her

OP does want to give money to get rid of her… and her party lol

ND or not it’s still your house and your rules. You don’t do something your uncomfortable with just to keep another happy

@Catshelper having just seen your updates, I get your point! Of course she can have friends over. But what she can’t do is hold the sort of party she’s talking about. She sounds quite manipulative in reflection. MH is not carte blanche. And it’s ok to say no to someone with MH issues, in fact you could be doing her a favour.

Maybe she needs a reminder that, having left uni, the real world doesn’t operate like that anymore. It may be she’s having a hard time adjusting, and didn’t think post uni life would be “going backwards” if that’s what she sees moving home as. Understandable, but life is a bit shit for everyone sometimes. That’s adulting.

No chance. Went to a party years ago moved everything breakable into grans house next door and somebody kicked in the toilet cistern in. I would never allow a home party

Just to say I totally understand how you've got to where you are. That walking on eggshells,knowing that even a look taken the wrong way can cause a downward spiral. It takes up all your energy and you just want to appease them because all hell breaks out if you don't.

I know my dd suffers like yours, but I also know deep down that she knows exactly how to manipulate a situation. Mine can be fabulous and at the moment is doing really well, but that fear of upsetting her will take many years to forget.

In your shoes I'd tell her no now you and DH have had a think. I'd flip it round with my Dd and say I felt it would be too much responsibility for her and I'd be worried about her stress levels and how that might affect her. Reiterate your previous offers and then stick to your guns. You're between a rock and a hard place. If you agree to it and it goes wrong there'll be a row. If you don't there'll be one too, but you won't have a wrecked house. Be brave OP, It's a situation that only those who've lived this can really understand.

But it’s your daughters home too where is she supposed to hold a party if not in her home?

ND/MH explain her bad behaviour but never excuses it.

She is making choices as to how she treats you - and its actively HOSTILE.

Know this.

Living in FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) will always put you on a back-foote emotional state and lead you to make wrong decisons and take the wrong actions which are inadvertently facilitating bad behaviour.

You have no need for guilt - you supported her through her difficult teenage years. You should not be fearful in your own home. She is a grown woman - your priority obligation now is to your own emotional well-being.

OP after reading your posts I changed my answer from YABU to YANBU. You sound like a deeply caring, supportive and worried Mum who has gone above and beyond to support your daughter.

She can have a birthday gathering in a pub or bar to celebrate just like 99.99% of 23 year olds do.

But I hope some of the advice helps you with the bigger picture which sounds dreply
unpleasant for you, unhealthy for your daughter, and untenable for all of you. Good luck.

The bar she works in? It might be her home but it’s also OPs house and home. If everyone in the house is not ok with a party the respectful thing to do would be find another venue. You don’t start telling them you’re having it there and will move furniture and breakables

If your DD's behaviour towards you is giving you flashbacks to being bullied at school, you must do something about it as it as you can't be expected to live like this.

There needs to be both a short term and long term plan. The long term plan involves your DD leaving home and living independently. The short term plan must be ensuring that your DD is treating you with care and respect while she is living in your home. This must be non-negotiable. If she can be polite to the people she is serving in a bar, she can be polite to her own parents.

In the real world OP it is perfectly normal to say yes to something after being given X information and then guiltlessly rescind the Yes, when you are now being told X+Y,Z, has been added on.

My children wouldn't ask simply because they have seen a few get out of hand, when via SM word got out there was a party at X's house, whom they know vaguely.

Several 17th's were stopped as a result after things were in danger of getting out of hand.

I have an 18th coming up and even though we have a large spacious house which has been a perfect party space for many years, we are agreed, much as my daughter would love the intimacy of a home do, her 16th was a fantastic all girl success, .........she recognises that it could be very stressful if uninvited people turn up.
We are urban and she has a wide circle through sports and private schooling.....which produces SOME very entitled, disrespectful behaviour IMO.

My older sons did not have friends like this and parties went off well.
But in the post Covid years, behaviour has deteriorated IMO.

Unless you have had your house thrashed, finding vomit in weird places days later, trying to track down a foul smell (several tea towels covered in vomit, shoved into very large plant pots and hidden was the culprit🤢).

Another friend of a friend found her bed covered in vomit as someone went upstairs looking for an empty room, staggered in and spewed everywhere.

Vomit figures largely in teen parties these days...

Not in my lovely home!

OP, just want to reiterate that you are perfectly entitled to tell her she’s not having a party and you also do not need to fund an alternative venue!

There’s no way this would be happening in my house. But also, no way I would have given her the impression that it might. You’re in a tricky position now. I think I would still put my foot down and say no though. As PPs have said tiptoeing around her is not the way to help her develop resilience and stronger MH.

Even if she is ND she still needs rules and boundaries. ND/MH is not an excuse and sometimes people in these situations actually respond better to clear rules.

@Catshelper You are not being unreasonable not wanting your dd to host a possibly house trashing party in your home. A possible yes to a few friends having a night in is totally different to a bunch of strangers (to you) invading and disrespecting your home. She changed the event. You can say no to the updated plans.
Stick to what YOU want. You've said you'll pay for her to hire somewhere. That is more than fair. But let her book it so any damage/fallback is on her, not you.
Don't let her bully you. Giving in because she has a hissy fit will not do either of you any good.
She is an adult with a job and her own money. If she kicks off - ok dd, you want to be independant, that's great. Happy to help you move out.
Stronger boundaries will be better for your future relationship. Loving her doesn't equate to being a doormat.

Agreed, with more context it feels like something not quite right is going on.

@Catshelper
do you think she's punishing you? not sure why but not allowing you to talk to her etc. Also agree with the coercive comment.

Yeah I'm sorry I don't get the problem all those saying 23 year old don't have parties in their parents house. People have full on parties all the time at their parents houses. My parents have held parties for all.of us over the years. And their house isn't big either. Tell her no more than 10. Make her do the prep and tidy up. Plan a night out with your bmhubby instead of paying for her to go away you go away

I am wondering if being potentially ND there is some black and white thinking at play here, as well as sense of injustice coming out.

I wonder if she is seeing this like this: mum said yes to the party so that's all there is to it, it's my home and these are my friends so they are the people I am going to invite to my party, as it is my home and these are my friends then it's up to me and my mum said yes so that is that no arguments. Any deviation from this would be wrong.

That is obviously just a guess but seems possible. It's also worth mentioning that some young women with ASD may be in some ways socially naive, so may not see the red flags in behaviour of others in the way other young women of the same age might. 'I like him, he's nice to me so I don't mind if he takes drugs' etc.

This could really be a good opportunity to teach her a little bit about some kinds of social expectations. It could be 'I want you to have a lovely birthday party and to celebrate with your friends in a place you feel comfortable. As our home is a space we share it is important that we ALL feel comfortable with what happens in the house. Because of this, in order to have a party here it will be important to think about inviting only friends who will respect our space and our boundaries about behaviour. Dad and I are very mindful about your boundaries and what makes you feel comfortable in our home. We also need you to respect our boundaries, which include e.g. only inviting people to our home who we know will respect the space and not engage in certain kinds of behaviour (e.g. xxx). You can have the party here as long as X happens. That way we all have our needs met'.

I think it's also possibly important to keep it about behaviour and make it clear you are not saying she has 'bad friends' etc, as she may not take that well. It's not about judging friends, it's about maintaining a the home safe and comfortable space where the 3 of you live together and respect each other's needs.

Honestly, she is doing this because she snaps her fingers and you all do exactly what she wants. She gets to set all kinds of ridiculous rules and you march to her beat.

One does not get their MH "ruined" because they couldn't have a rowdy party at their parent's house.

If you allow it, she will expect you to provide all the food and drink, or she'll be "sad". Then clean up for her because she'll be anxious.....

No to party if her friends can't be trusted - they are early 20s - not 16!

I would also be stopping her calling all the shots. Life won't make this many concessions. I have had depression - I didn't punish my family

For whatever reason (mental health, snowplough parenting (perhaps out of fear)) it sounds like your daughter is failing to launch her adult life. That’s the bit to focus on. It sounds a bit like you’re being emotionally blackmailed. It might be better for her in the long run to feel some discomfort/sadness and learn how to cope with it, because there is no life where those unpleasant feelings don’t crop up, and it may give her some incentive to focus on her career and getting her own place/flat share. Obviously it would have been better for you to say no immediately but you were caught off guard. I think it’s ok to say ‘Actually, on reflection….’ People change their minds - that’s also life.

If I felt my daughter was potentially a vulnerable adult I would probably try and encourage and support her to socialise in a safe way. I think letting her have a party at home but putting in place boundaries around what a party at home looks like is potentially a way forward - unless she refuses in which case I think you are right to hold the boundary.

Edited to say - I don't think you should feel guilty about not picking up on potential ND earlier. Until recently there was a poor understanding of ND in women and girls and many, many people, including professionals, frequently misdiagnosed. It is only very recently that awareness and understanding has improved.

I am not keen on the 'failure to launch' comments here. Many autistic adults without a learning difficulty appear to cope until the point comes to live independently, and then loads of challenges arise. Many autistic adults, including 'high functioning' adults need support to live independently. That is not 'failure'. That of course does not negate your need to live safely and happily in your own home.

OP, Women's aid would be a good first call.

Perhaps if they were to name it as coercive abuse in the home, which is not unusual and is not confined to men, it might help you protect yourself.

You feeli g low after last week has all the hallmark of prolonged abuse.

You do not want her living with you long term....she will never move now she knows her word is law.

Time for intervention.
At 23 they need to want to help themselves.

You need protecting from her.

Call Womens aid for a chat.