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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

My husband has just left me

196 replies

Whatdoidonowthenhey · 16/02/2025 23:51

My husband of 15 years has just text me whilst on my night shift to say he’s packed his car up and when I get home in the morning to take over with the children he’s going for good.

So……

what do I do now?

financially - emotionally - childcare I’m screwed for it all.

Naively been with him for 17 years hanging on his every word and promise and now I’m mid 30’s - 2 teenagers and facing a world I don’t even know how to begin taking a step forward into on top of the fact I have another 6 hours of shift to get through.

OP posts:
HardyCrow · 18/02/2025 21:47

VashtiPurple · 16/02/2025 23:58

Can you carry on with your shift or do you need to go home? What sort of man drops this bombshell when you’re at work?

Financially you have a job, you can sort the practicalities out tomorrow. Your children are teenagers, not nursery age.

I’m so sorry.

“What sort of man” a coward and a man who knows he’s a sht.

NeedsAGreenCardForFantasyLand · 18/02/2025 21:48

OP, I am so sorry this is happening to you.

I was in a similar situation 4 years ago. My ex financially, emotionally and psychologically abused me, but I didn't see it until it was too late. This will be long, so apologies.

First: Men generally don't up-and-leave because they are unhappy. There is high probability that there is another woman. Get yourself tested for STDs as soon as you can.

Secondly: Secure your finances. Print out statements of all your bank accounts, make sure the date is on them. This way, if he tries to drain the accounts, you can prove how much he stole from you in court. Open your own bank account and have your salary deposited in there. If you have a joint credit card, get one in your name only. DO NOT DRAIN THE ACCOUNTS BECAUSE THIS WILL LOOK VERY BAD IN COURT.

Thirdly: You need legal counsel. I am from the US, and over there, I have often read that you should seek out counsel from as many lawyers as you can - the sharkiest ones you can find - meet with them for that initial free hour. Why? Because then your soon-to-be-wasband can't use them - it's a conflict of interest. Work out a payment plan, borrow from parents or friends back home if need be. But make sure your all of your legal bases are covered - especially if your children are minors. Insist on child support, even if you think it will be easier to let it slide. There might be financial obligations later you haven't even thought of. Although I am American, I live in Germany, and most divorces end with both parents having legal custody. This has ramifications on decisions regarding schooling and medical issues. My wasband insisted the children be insured through him (although it would be free through my insurance - but he thought he could control their treatment - he can't, because they are over 14 and can make their own medical decisions), but as it stands, every year we have to meet a 500€ deductible before insurance will start covering bills. Our younger child has ADHD (which my ex doesn't believe in), and the doctor-ordered therapy costs 900€ every 10 sessions. The latest bill just rolled in and guess who got stuck covering that deductible? I have to figure out if I can get that money back. But I digress.

Fourth: Find and make copies of all important documents: birth certificates, marriage certificates, deeds to property, proof of major assets like cars, at least three years of tax returns (which are often used to calculate child support). Keep these copies somewhere other than your house. (Perhaps with family further away?) Set up a new email account to only use to correspond with him - so you decide when you want to read messages. If you have a will, change it. If you don't, make one and clearly define what you want done with your estate regarding your children. Update your emergency contact list at work.

Fifth: Do not change the locks if the house is also in his name. Do not throw out/burn/destroy any of his stuff. Once he is moved out, if he leaves stuff of his behind, take pictures of it and send them to him, setting a date for their final removal, and tell him if he doesn't arrange for pick-up, you will do with them as you see fit, including possibly throwing them away. When you send this, do it in such a way that you can prove receipt of the letter.

Sixth: I wouldn't put him on blast publicly, but do inform your employer and your children's teachers what is going on, as this will definitely affect behavior in the coming months. Try and find a therapist to talk this through and determine your next steps emotionally. The amount of rage I felt towards my ex was scary, and I needed someone to help me process it and figure out what was healthy, what was not, and how to move forward. Listen to your kids when they act out about this, acknowledge their feelings (their world was upended too!), but do not dump on their father. I have never spoken ill of my ex -- I don't make up good stuff about him, but I don't tear him down in front of my kids either. (His behavior manages to do that for me.)

Also: I'm sorry to be blunt, but your husband has been abusing you. First by moving you far away from family and thereby isolating you, then by making you financially dependent on him by convincing you to only work part-time, and now by blind-siding you and leaving you holding the childcare bag. He is banking on you just curling up into a ball and letting him get his way. DO NOT LET HIM.

Once you have legal counsel set up, try to remove emotion from your dealings with him. From here on out, it's just business. He made the decision to send you a text instead of being man enough to say it to your face, so he lost the right for you to be accommodating and nice to him. You can be civil, but from here on out, you put yourself and your kids first. Fuck him and the horse he rode in on.

Shell57 · 18/02/2025 22:10

Hi
I had this happen to me. I had 3 kids, didn't work as did his books unpaid. I rang Citizens Advice for starters to see what I could claim and then I looked for a job. Luckily I got one in my village so did part time and claimed Working Tax Credits. Just take one step at a time and get advice as he will have to pay you child maintenance. I know how your feeling and it’s overwhelming but you will get there in the end xx

Grammarnut · 18/02/2025 22:11

Time40 · 17/02/2025 00:14

when I get home in the morning to take over with the children he’s going for good

Oh, so he's planning to waltz out of his parental responsibility and let you do it all, is he? Personally, I wouldn't go home. Go and stay somewhere else, while you decide what you want to do. Spoil his plans and let him look after the children.

Well I have agreed with going home at once. But really, this is much better. Call the twerp's bluff, don't go home. Text him that you are off and that the childcare is now all on him. Byeee
Find somewhere to stay, get a solicitor, contact your family. Start asset stripping him and making yourself and your DC a better life without him.

oldmoaner · 18/02/2025 22:25

You say you've recently moved home so now know nobody. Was that his decision? If so there's a reason behind it. BUT as for some time off work, or maybe ask if you can work daytime hours, explain roughly what has happened, hopefully employer will be compassionate. But contact solicitor, whoever you rent from or if you have a mortgage seek advice. You may not think it now, but you will come through it and be stronger for it. I'm guessing he will just charge out as soon as you get home to avoid confrontation, that's why his cars packed.

GoldenGail · 18/02/2025 22:31

ConsuelaHammock · 18/02/2025 18:30

I wouldn’t go home if my husband sent me this message . There’s no way I’d be giving up my job and looking after his children to facilitate him working fulltime, going out when he wants and essentially living the life of a single man. Tell him you’ll see him in a few weeks and go and stay with a friend.

You really think she should abandon her children and leave them with this arsehole? Are you a mother???

Crazylife38 · 18/02/2025 22:41

I am so sorry you are going through this. My ex did the same and via text too ! I was a mess , now I go to work see friends and family i lost contact with when I can and my 3 children keep me busy , as others have said just think of it as the trash took itself out , look after yourself and your children , get help where needed even if it's just talking to someone to off load and also seek legal advice , it's been 5months for me now it will get easier in time x

Flippingnora100 · 18/02/2025 22:42

I’m so sorry. Rather than thinking you’ve given him your best years, if he is cruel enough to text you this news while you’re at work, then I’d say your best years are still ahead of you. It’s going to be rough and stressful for a while though.

Call Gingerbread’s Helpline, find out what you’re entitled to and what your best moves are. Arm yourself with knowledge before you make any decisions.

Good luck, OP!

llizzie · 18/02/2025 23:05

ExercicenformedeZ · 18/02/2025 19:30

That's what he has told her. Doesn't mean it's true.

I had no money. He closed the business. I didn't mind. I had DD at school. The freedom was amazing. That meant more. It was the first time I ever lived alone in my life and no matter the problem, I coped, and found I could live on my own after all.

Woofie7 · 19/02/2025 00:04

Please look at the ” legal queen” on insta and Facebook she is English
she has loads of examples of how to deal with these sorts of things.

as you are married you are in a better situation.

you should be able to stay in house until children are 18.

i would definitely try and see what food clothes you can buy ( that was an excellent idea) before he squanders more .

one thought is he in severe money trouble and is running away ?

my husband had money trouble and told me three months before our wedding.
severe debt . we worked it out with a debt counsellor and it was hard but we did it and 6 years later we’re able to start finances again.

Goldspring · 19/02/2025 00:24

I’m an older poster mine left after 46 years He just packed everything and went he cancelled all direct debits on gas,water,electricity Broadband private dental care etc he hasn’t seen the Grown up Children and Granchildren for three years he just walked out of our lives I’m from Birmingham and I went to live in London I made lots of brilliant Friends a Family member said he is a COWARD and if I ever see him again I would punch him right where it hurts lol😂

RoastDinnerSmellsNice · 19/02/2025 00:45

Channellingsophistication · 17/02/2025 07:11

So sorry you are going through this. What a shock! Take it one day at a time you will get through this.

I got divorced in my mid 30s - my best years were after that - and yours will be too.

Me too! So sorry that he's behaving like a complete shit OP, sending a hug your way.

CalicoPusscat · 19/02/2025 01:34

I'm sorry, terrible shock for you.

Wasn't the best way to say was it

Like pp said time to deal with the practicalities although you're probably feeling blown sideways at present.

Italiangreyhound · 19/02/2025 02:07

I am so sorry OP that this has happened.

Also to you *NeedsAGreenCardForFantasyLand *

and that's really good advice.

Nikki75 · 19/02/2025 07:38

This is absolutely shit of him while your in work.
You deserve so much better and more from your husband than this let him go.

Go to your doctors and get yourself signed off for 2 weeks give your head some breathing space .. then in another 2 weeks take it from there again .

Tiny steps this will feel overwhelming but trust me you won't always feel like this .

You are worth so much more xx

BethButton · 19/02/2025 08:15

You are in the far stronger position now, so gird your loins for battle.

You may not feel like it right now.
I'm am not talking about playing-mind-games here, as that would be unwise.

Eat well when you can, although you may have stopped eating and gone into survival mode somewhat, you need that nourishment.
Permit yourself sleep, although I expect you head spins when you hit the pillow.

Trust yourself utterly.
Trust your abilities.
Trust your body and the energy you have, and can muster up by digging deep.

Trust the process of what has happened too, as you will win through this battle for survival.

Think carefully, be cool and be at least two steps ahead of him on everything, at all times.

Sharpen your wits, stand on your own two feet as far as you can. This will be a test of endurance and will likely take months and months to get to your victory.
You are in the better position, you are the better person. Take advantage of it and get a strategy using the other good advice on here from others who have been through it, professionals, and everyone who is championing for you.

DailyDoily · 19/02/2025 08:20

NewHeaven · 17/02/2025 00:22

Oh I so sorry @Whatdoidonowthenhey what an absolute shithead your dp is. Speak to your manager and try and get a few days off work to get a plan in place.

Can you forward his message to his family before he spins them a tale? At least they have proof of his intentions before they get sucked in by his lies. He will find it difficult to persuade them with another version if you've already sent them his text message.

I'd also share it on Facebook now so everyone knows before he leaves what a shit he is. Best thing to do is to destroy his reputation before he destroys yours.

He won't be expecting you to do anything at this time of night so make sure you move your half of the cash from all joint accounts. After you do transfer your money, do a big online foodshop & buy next size clothes/ shoes for the kids.

Change all your passwords to all of your accounts.

I wouldn’t worry about taking only half…take it all if you’re going to need it for the next few months financial stability. Also, if you don’t have one, apply for a credit card using your current household income.

Any financial agreement can take account of spending at that point (and might not be a 50/50split in any case). In the meantime do whatever you need to do to keep things stable (house / bills / food) etc for you and the children.

MauveExpert · 19/02/2025 08:45

NeedsAGreenCardForFantasyLand · 18/02/2025 21:48

OP, I am so sorry this is happening to you.

I was in a similar situation 4 years ago. My ex financially, emotionally and psychologically abused me, but I didn't see it until it was too late. This will be long, so apologies.

First: Men generally don't up-and-leave because they are unhappy. There is high probability that there is another woman. Get yourself tested for STDs as soon as you can.

Secondly: Secure your finances. Print out statements of all your bank accounts, make sure the date is on them. This way, if he tries to drain the accounts, you can prove how much he stole from you in court. Open your own bank account and have your salary deposited in there. If you have a joint credit card, get one in your name only. DO NOT DRAIN THE ACCOUNTS BECAUSE THIS WILL LOOK VERY BAD IN COURT.

Thirdly: You need legal counsel. I am from the US, and over there, I have often read that you should seek out counsel from as many lawyers as you can - the sharkiest ones you can find - meet with them for that initial free hour. Why? Because then your soon-to-be-wasband can't use them - it's a conflict of interest. Work out a payment plan, borrow from parents or friends back home if need be. But make sure your all of your legal bases are covered - especially if your children are minors. Insist on child support, even if you think it will be easier to let it slide. There might be financial obligations later you haven't even thought of. Although I am American, I live in Germany, and most divorces end with both parents having legal custody. This has ramifications on decisions regarding schooling and medical issues. My wasband insisted the children be insured through him (although it would be free through my insurance - but he thought he could control their treatment - he can't, because they are over 14 and can make their own medical decisions), but as it stands, every year we have to meet a 500€ deductible before insurance will start covering bills. Our younger child has ADHD (which my ex doesn't believe in), and the doctor-ordered therapy costs 900€ every 10 sessions. The latest bill just rolled in and guess who got stuck covering that deductible? I have to figure out if I can get that money back. But I digress.

Fourth: Find and make copies of all important documents: birth certificates, marriage certificates, deeds to property, proof of major assets like cars, at least three years of tax returns (which are often used to calculate child support). Keep these copies somewhere other than your house. (Perhaps with family further away?) Set up a new email account to only use to correspond with him - so you decide when you want to read messages. If you have a will, change it. If you don't, make one and clearly define what you want done with your estate regarding your children. Update your emergency contact list at work.

Fifth: Do not change the locks if the house is also in his name. Do not throw out/burn/destroy any of his stuff. Once he is moved out, if he leaves stuff of his behind, take pictures of it and send them to him, setting a date for their final removal, and tell him if he doesn't arrange for pick-up, you will do with them as you see fit, including possibly throwing them away. When you send this, do it in such a way that you can prove receipt of the letter.

Sixth: I wouldn't put him on blast publicly, but do inform your employer and your children's teachers what is going on, as this will definitely affect behavior in the coming months. Try and find a therapist to talk this through and determine your next steps emotionally. The amount of rage I felt towards my ex was scary, and I needed someone to help me process it and figure out what was healthy, what was not, and how to move forward. Listen to your kids when they act out about this, acknowledge their feelings (their world was upended too!), but do not dump on their father. I have never spoken ill of my ex -- I don't make up good stuff about him, but I don't tear him down in front of my kids either. (His behavior manages to do that for me.)

Also: I'm sorry to be blunt, but your husband has been abusing you. First by moving you far away from family and thereby isolating you, then by making you financially dependent on him by convincing you to only work part-time, and now by blind-siding you and leaving you holding the childcare bag. He is banking on you just curling up into a ball and letting him get his way. DO NOT LET HIM.

Once you have legal counsel set up, try to remove emotion from your dealings with him. From here on out, it's just business. He made the decision to send you a text instead of being man enough to say it to your face, so he lost the right for you to be accommodating and nice to him. You can be civil, but from here on out, you put yourself and your kids first. Fuck him and the horse he rode in on.

Edited

This is spot on excellent advice 👌❤️

Sallywag134 · 19/02/2025 08:48

Time40 · 17/02/2025 00:14

when I get home in the morning to take over with the children he’s going for good

Oh, so he's planning to waltz out of his parental responsibility and let you do it all, is he? Personally, I wouldn't go home. Go and stay somewhere else, while you decide what you want to do. Spoil his plans and let him look after the children.

Exactly what I’d do. Don’t go home. At least not until you have got your head around this and have an initial plan in place.

PeachyPeachTrees · 19/02/2025 09:21

It sounds like he's been planning this for a year at least. Moving to a new area, isolating you, spending all family money and convincing you to go part time and earn less. Splitting up via text message and leaving the kids too. He sounds manipulative and abusive. This is more than selfish a-hole behaviour. He is a nasty piece of work.
You are young and your life is better without him. Reach out to your boss and family and get as much support as possible. Find your inner strength and don't let him beat you. X

Missj25 · 19/02/2025 10:30

Sorry to hear your story OP ..
Clearly your husband wasn’t happy, so he should have sat you down a long time ago , (these feelings don’t just manifest over night ) & spoken to you about how he was feeling ..
He’s gone a shitty way about things ,
left you reeling, Shame on him ..
It takes a good while for things to start falling back into place & that’s the truth , you will be okay though ..
I know me saying that, you will be okay though, at the moment makes no sense at all but it is true ..
Lots of women on here including myself have gone through this ..
It’s just shit 😔 but doesn’t stay like that …. x

NeedsAGreenCardForFantasyLand · 19/02/2025 11:08

Let me reiterate about the bank account: DO NOT DRAIN IT. Judges REALLY frown upon that sort of thing, regardless of who does it and whatever their motivation might be.

That said....when you go to the supermarket, pick up gift cards whenever you can. Store them somewhere where he doesn't have access.

amccabe15 · 19/02/2025 12:05

What a horrible situation for you! However, once you get yourself on an even keel, you’ll know you’re better off without the b***d. We women are made of stern stuff and you WILL come out stronger ❤️‍🩹

caringcarer · 19/02/2025 12:22

Whatdoidonowthenhey · 17/02/2025 04:12

Thank you for your replies. I have remained at work.

I have focused myself on what I need to do.

I feel as though I’ve been blindsided as I’ve just been convinced to go part time (which is not something I can now retract) due to pre teens additional support needs and husbands work commitments. So it all feels sneaky and pre planned.

I have been with this man since I was 16. I haven’t built connections have been very isolated to our family. I do not have extended family myself and literally just moved house to a new area so haven’t built up any support yet.

I feel like a train wreck. I don’t really know who I am or what I’m meant to be now. One step at a time I suppose. Can’t help but feel resentful that I have given him all of my good years.

There is no money to tuck away he’s had it all over the past couple of years on the promises of it coming back with more.

It gets worse with each update you post. So you've moved area to accomodation him, and he's convinced you to go from full time work to part time work and then he dumps you. He is an absolute shit and you will be well rid of him. Whatever you do don't take him back. Speak to your employer and tell them your husband has left you and you need to work full time hours. Look to see if you can claim any benefits. Someone will be along to tell you what you can claim if you post how many kids and any disabilities. Make sure you contact CMS for child maintenance payments. See if you can get a few days off to sort yourself out. Are you renting or have a mortgage? You'd need to tell your LL if renting.

caringcarer · 19/02/2025 12:27

MauveExpert · 19/02/2025 08:45

This is spot on excellent advice 👌❤️

Excellent advice.

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