My husband has just left me

[Whatdoidonowthenhey]

My husband of 15 years has just text me whilst on my night shift to say he’s packed his car up and when I get home in the morning to take over with the children he’s going for good.

So……

what do I do now?

financially - emotionally - childcare I’m screwed for it all.

Naively been with him for 17 years hanging on his every word and promise and now I’m mid 30’s - 2 teenagers and facing a world I don’t even know how to begin taking a step forward into on top of the fact I have another 6 hours of shift to get through.

This is understandably a shock and you’ll be reeling. It’s so cowardly of him to text you like this, more-so while you’re meant to be working! He should have had the courtesy to speak to you in person, particularly if this has come out of nowhere.

You will feel like it’s the end of the world, but I assure you it isn’t (been there, done that, t-shirt bought, worn & thrown away!). Your children will be pulled in both directions too, and being teenagers are likely to react negatively. They may even side with Dad. But this will pass.

First and foremost, discuss finances with him. He will still need to support you and his children.

Speak to your line manager at work, see if you can do day shifts at least until you can arrange childcare; and talk to friends. Don’t try to be all ‘stiff upper lip’ but do try not to react dramatically on social media - that just gives gossip-mongers enjoyment. And once the words are written, they’re available forever. Your children will see it.

Take each day as it comes, look into what help you might be entitled to - it takes a few weeks.

Just read this. Hope you are doing ok.

i haven’t been in this situation but I would love to reply with:

Ok thanks for the heads up, but tell you what, why don’t you take the first week with the kids seeing as you have it all planned out and I am at work. I will have them next week. Obviously we will be doing 50/50 so might as well start as we mean to go on.

I réalise this is your actual life and not some soap opera but in angers me so much when these so called men think they can just walk away from all responsibilities.

Sorry to hear this but the silver lining here is that you have teens not little kids trust me it makes a difference you don’t need baby sitters you just need to sit them down and lay new rules it will get easier as the days go but I I would recommend talking to your boss and asking for a couple of days off to sort things out with the kids , you can do it ,you are still young with teens you can start a whole new life a better one it can happen good luck x

OP how are you? What a coward of a man to message you at work like that. Please come back and let us support you. I've been through horrendous shock, separation and divorce with kids too. You WILL be ok, but you need support.

Me too

What an utter coward, doing this while you're at work, instead of sitting you down when you both have time, and breaking the news gently that he wants to split, and working out all the details together. The full-drama mode of leaving is so childish. My exH did this to me, and he's one of the biggest babies I've ever met.

Next it'll be all your fault, there'll be a grand rewriting of all your history together, which you won't recognise, and he'll be cold as ice. It's all there in The Script.

I haven't read the whole thread, but hopefully someone has pointed you to The Script. And recommended that you read Vikki Stark's Runaway Husbands. Spoiler: They're all the same. That's why there's a Script.

It happened to me. I was relieved, and when you think about it, you may be too.

If he can up and leave his wife and family, he didn't care, did he? Just kiss the ground and thank God. He has given you your freedom. Now you are independent of him.

You have work. Don't let him be responsible for leaving your job. No man or woman should have that much control over someone.

Don't let him back. Start divorce procedings. Take stock of your life. Sit down with your teen children and tell them what you have coming in and how it should be spent. You must involve them, so that they understand and can decide what things will not be affordable. A new life could be just what you all need.

I did that with my DD and was surprised just how understanding she was.

Once you work out a budget, and find you need to supplement income with benefits such as housing and council tax, claim it. Claim anything you are entitled to, because this is not your fault. Do not let your employer think that you cannot cope on your own. Do nothing to give that impression. Even if you don't feel happy, give the impression of relief.

Explain to credit cards and energy company exactly what has happened to you. They are surprisingly understanding.

I am so sorry op, this is horrendous on so many levels …I’ve been in similar situation before, please stay strong and keep posting when you can, know that you have in you all that you will need to weather this storm and navigate your and your children lives to a much much better place, no matter how shocked and lost you probably feel right now, you got this, you will need to put on your lioness practical hat on, compartment your headspace (to keep in fight mode &not let hurt & emotions consume you, easier said than done.. you got this .. )..make notes of the immediate issues you need to address most urgently , make calls, immediate plans& strategy … gp, solicitor, benefit people…work….
what a %#*% of a partner & father! Just waltzes out … such betrayal .. but even though you feel your best years have been taken, you have your children and you are so young still… you ( & your DC ) will look back few years from now and be proud and amazed at how strong and incredible you were in the hardest of times… you might even find this was one of the best things that happened .. and was essential for you to get to the much better place in life you will be in then… with people who love and deserve you.
sending you positive energy and thinking of you.

That's what he has told her. Doesn't mean it's true.

First of all I’m so sorry to hear about your husband leaving you. You have got this, things will be hard for a while but they will eventually fall into place

I don’t think blasting one’s private life on Facebook and publicly setting up a war to destroy his reputation is the best way forward. It will simply encourage her ex to react publicly with anything he can, truth or lies he’ll do it to protect himself. Keeping her dignity, looking after DC’s and focusing on surviving this dreadful shock should be OP’s first priority. She won’t know what’s hit her at the moment, Facebook is not the answer! people will believe what they want to believe and that should be the least of OP’s worries, not worth the energy.
I do agree with making finances a priority re joint accounts.

What a coward he is. he ruins your shift at work then you probably won’t get to sleep with the worry he’s left you. I think you need legal advice asap but I would suggest to him that you need to have 50/50 custody don’t let him shirk his responsibilities as a dad. I hope he hasn’t left you for another person. Absolutely disgusting behaviour from him. You deserved to be told face to face at least. Stay strong op.

Do you have any friend you can talk to? Even one person in your own family who is a bit in touch with you? Is his family involved at all with you and the children and can you tell them what's happened? It will help to tell people in your life and get the emotional support from friend or family as well as from us here, although we are at a remove. But keep posting here and we will stay with you.

That's horrible. It might sound silly but you will probably be entitled to more UC if you are part time?

Hopefully if the children are mid teens they can be more independent now.

What a horrible way to treat you after encouraging you to work less & move house.

llizie 's advice is so fine. Accurate and compassionate. Coming from a place of common experience. Love to both OP and llizie.
There has been so much excellent advice and support on this particular thread.
I hope @Whatdoidonowthenhey that you will v much draw on the practical advice given and feed off the loving support which is being offered to you.
You've, clearly, got of lot of "taking care of business" to attend to.
Yes, Citizens' Advice is a good place to start ( if it's an availability in your area).
Otherwise, a good family-law solicitor.

You really do have your life in front of you. I promise.

When the dust settles, (I don't underestimate how sad&shattering your experience has been/is/may be), you will find that you are in a better place.

You'll be able to look at the "who am I?" question.
You'll have a truly 'open-&-unconstrained-by-a.n.other' opportunity/space to give yourself a chance to become yourself.

Eventually, you'll be happier and will be very grateful that you're shot of him.

Courage, fortitude and love!

So sorry to hear that, only 2 weeks ago one of my student’s dad did exactly the same, his child was distraught, couldn't manage school, 2 weeks later she started to manage the lessons ok. There is a light at the end of the tunnel!! Be strong!!!!

If you don’t have any leave take 1-2 weeks off sick -( mental health ) and get as much advice as you can now!! Good luck!!
You can do it all!!! Trust me!!!

Can you get a friend who is subtle to go watch where he goes? your kids are of an age that he might think it's ok to head off leaving them in the houses awaiting your return. You need to know has he cleared off to family, friend, hotel, other woman? Maybe something else?? When you know where he's gone to you can the. Plan away forwSrd.

I hate to say it but having been in similar scenario you must be practical. Get your friends who have your back or relatives who are practical and competent. Start your fact finding. Get wages, pensions, bank and property details.......credit cards etc etc etc. you need to know what your financial picture is and when you have operated on a vasus of trust, reality can got hard at this stage. If this has been planned, he may have left a trail of financial breadcrumbs. Do you know any of his work colleagues or anyone who could discreetly see what's the story in his work.

You can live without this man. You need a team of people around you and your kids. People to sympathize and others to stick pins in effygies!!! Others to help you plan your home finances.

Please contact your children's school. They might be teenagers but it's a vulnerable age for different reasons.

Please take care of you. Sleep loads. Don't turn to alcohol drugs or food to make yourself feel better. Focus your energy into the dogged determination needed to navigate a secure future for you and your kids.

Xxx

I can't believe he couldn't even muster up the courage to tell you face to face. That's just not right. 😔

He should have had the decency to speak to you in person. Texting such news while you're at work is just not acceptable. 😒

You deserve more respect than that. Remember, you are worthy of honesty and consideration. 😊

I'm so sorry @Whatdoidonowthenhey he's been planning this for all the time he's been draining money from the family.

Getting you to go part time means you'll be on benefits at least until your DCs finish school.

I don't know why he moved you to an area where you know noone. That's a real scuzzy thing to do. What an AH he is.

But two things are good - he's gone and you have a house.

Pls call a legal helpline or cutizens advice. If you can do more hours, ask your employer if you could more hours. You never know...

Take him for every penny he has.

I think he's bought another house, so check the land registry.

You are still young.

Sending you a big hug.

What a shock for you. I have been there, so I do know what you are going through. First get signed off work, Drs can be very sympathetic. Then call in any favours from friends, family etc People will want to help. Then get an hour's free advice from a family lawyer to see your options. As you are married you will be treated fairly in the divorce. Also you should be able to claim some benefits as you will be a single working parent. Finally it will all work out in the end, I promise you. You deserve much better than him!

💜

So sorry this has happened to you, similar happened to me and also a friend of mine. It's tough being a single parent but looking back the best thing that ever happened to me was splitting from my vile ex husband. Focus on your finances and kids and if you can get a counsellor it will really help, lots of organisations offer free or low cost counselling. Sending you love and strength 💞

Wow, what an absolute shit doing it while you're at work!!!
I know this is scary, but you can do this!!
I'm hoping you have parents, family, friends etc that will step up.
What a selfish man, sounds like a total arse.
They take every part of your soul and leave you completely empty.
I promise it won't always feel like this xxx

I’m so sorry. You will get through this m, stronger and better than ever. Hold on to that thought through the next few weeks.

Just wanted to send you a massive hug op.
My stbx husband recently did the same. Sent me a text message whilst I was at work to tell me he was moving in with his mother. I was completely blindsided. A week previously we had been having discussions about me giving up my part time employment and going full time self employed. Luckily, I hadn't done this.
You will be entitled to universal credit - I got much more than I expected.
One day at a time is the best advice I can give you