My husband has just left me

[Whatdoidonowthenhey]

My husband of 15 years has just text me whilst on my night shift to say he’s packed his car up and when I get home in the morning to take over with the children he’s going for good.

So……

what do I do now?

financially - emotionally - childcare I’m screwed for it all.

Naively been with him for 17 years hanging on his every word and promise and now I’m mid 30’s - 2 teenagers and facing a world I don’t even know how to begin taking a step forward into on top of the fact I have another 6 hours of shift to get through.

I doubt the OP want to lose her children

What an awful shock.

Do you have an EAP at work? If so, could you give them a call for some advice and support? Most also cover limited legal advice. For those suggesting you instruct a lawyer or a forensic accountant, that’s all well and good but if there are no family savings and you are working part time with disabled kids, how is that getting paid for and what’s the reward in doing so? Even if you were entitled to legal aid, your legal
costs would be taken out of the money you recovered from him meaning less in the kitty to go around.

Can you rope in friends and family to support you emotionally and help with the disabled teen? Take some time off work if you still be paid? Check your benefits entitlements and if it’s better to do more hours, talk to your employer about going back to full time or doing some overtime or look for a new full time role or an additional part time role to top up?

Try to keep eating and get some fresh air when you can. If you need help sleeping talk to your GP. Prioritise looking after yourself as after a shock like this your health will take a bashing.

No advice OP, other than to say you WILL be ok.

In time you will be happier without him. For now think about the practicalities - can you move back to where you lived previously/ anywhere you may have more of a support network? Do you own or rent the house?

Pay any bills due to arrive shortly from any joint accounts then take half the money left immediately. Ask around for a decent lawyer or go and see a couple who offer a free half hour.

@Whatdoidonowthenhey A man who can treat his children and the mother of his children like this is not a man that you want anywhere near you.
I know you will be in a huge amount of shock and pain now but you are better off without him. Please don't ever take him back, he will only try to damage you further.

It's more about men thinking they can walk out the door completely free.

If they thought walking out the door ment taking the children with them, how many would double think these new free lives with no responsibility ?

if someone did that to me, I would instantly lose all feelings for them, or at least behave as if I had. It is utterly callous. He really is a complete knob and you will most certainly do better without him. You are in your prime my dear. Life will just get better and better. There are some clues in your op that you’ve known about his knobbiness for some time, but swallowed your concerns in order to be supportive. Now you can spread your wings and fly. Do not engage with him, keep your powder dry. And when he tells you it was all a terrible mistake and that he was depressed, politely decline his offer to come back. In fact, change the locks. Today!

@Whatdoidonowthenhey I feel as though I’ve been blindsided as I’ve just been convinced to go part time (which is not something I can now retract) due to pre teens additional support needs and husbands work commitments. So it all feels sneaky and pre planned.

Wow. I'm so, so sorry.

You need to retract your offer to work part time. You need to consult a lawyer and calmly find out from him his new address so solicitors letters can be sent to him. What an absolute shit and how cowardly to just text you at work. You are right to continue working. Your company will understand if you tell them what has happened.

I am so sorry you are going through such a shocking and emotional time. The first thing I would do is speak with your manager and explain you need to leave work now due to extenuating circumstances. I would go straight to the bank and open your account (if you only have a joint). Any funds you hold in joint name, you need to withdraw 50% of this immediately as that is legally what you are entitled to. Do not be surprised if your husband has already withdrawn half and or/all. Then you need to get in touch with a solicitor who specializes in family law who will advise you of what the next steps should be. Do not assume this man will have your or your children's best interest at heart, so only follow the legal counsel. You are in your thirties, and you will be fine. This is a shock right now, but at least you will have the rest of your life to live it how you want without considering this waste of space. Oh, I would also reduce all communication to messages/emails only and not phone calls so you can evidence all that is said/promised/offered whilst dividing assets.

Not 100% the same as a 17 year relationship, but I had a live in boyfriend do this before over covid.

All I have to say about the manner in which it was done was cowardly.

Like you, I got a text when I was at work, effectively dumping me through text then saying he was going on his lunch break to collect his things.

I panicked and told work I had an unexpected emergency to get home to. I didnt want to leave him alone in MY home to take whatever he needed then go away to god knows where. I especially wanted to make sure he didnt take our dog (which he gifted to me).

His work was a lot further away than mine was to my house, so I made it home before him.

No tears from him, he just went round packing his bags as if he was going on holiday. He had informed his family so he could get more bags and boxes etc and he made sure he got every last item so he didnt have to come back. I sat there in floods of tears, in absolute shock at what had happened (as everyone believed he was close to proposing as asked my mum for ring size weeks earlier)

It took a long time to get over this break up. And in fact, we turned into a FWB situation a few weeks after because I felt too weak to walk away completely, which only prolonged the pain.

Make sure you look after yourself and give yourself time to cry and grieve properly.

Clear all the joint money out now and change the locks. See a solicitor.

This. You don't have to dance to his tune.

Don't change the locks. Can't do that if you are married.

I am so sorry you are going through this. he is an absolute shit, and letting you know by text is just so low. And no thoughts for your DC either.

I don't recall you saying if you have a joint account, but if it is joint, set up a new one PDQ, I think some of the on line banks let you do it pretty quickly. If nothing else make sure you change the account that your wages are paid into so that you are the one that spends them, and change Child benefit payments account. if you get them .

So very sorry, OP, what a cowardly twat he is! I would forward his text to his family and your family and friends, saying what a nasty big surprise he's just given you out of the blue. Get it over all at once, you are not to blame so you should not feel ashamed or embarrassed - this is all on him. Tell them you're going to need help as he just intends to run away, and then see who responds - those will be the people you will be able to rely on.

I seen this and my heart sank for you. This is horrendous OP. Do not do anything right now. This is too much. Just be numb to it for now, as stupid as this will sound try not to be upset. Invite friends over, watch a film. Please do anything to distract yourself. This sounds very heavy. As for him, do not show any weakness. Act nonchalant. If he sees you will be fine without him, maybe he will change his mind. But you wouldn’t want him back anyways. Not after his just left you like this. And over the phone too? Horrible guy. My best wishes for you and your kids.

Put in a claim for child maintenance

Single person council tax

Your best years, will be the years without him !

Share your story with others & ask for help locally

Pointless doing this.

edited to clarify.

When you divorce you both have to fill in a Form E to declare what you have in the bank and all assets. If you take the money, you'll only have to give it back for equitability.

Sending love

Not really because the Form E and the financial order will take months to organise and OP needs access to money now (and to prevent her feckless husband from spending it).

@Whatdoidonowthenhey how are you doing?

There is no money to tuck away he’s had it all over the past couple of years on the promises of it coming back with more.

I am so sorry this has happened to you. What has he been doing with the money, is there a chance he's been scammed? I can't believe he think its ok to just walk out!

This 100%.

Same as itsobviousright… you will be okay. Us women are stronger than we ever give ourselves credit for. Whatever the outcome you will emerge like a phoenix out of the ashes.