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AIBU?

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Original poster

My husband has just left me

196 replies

Whatdoidonowthenhey · 16/02/2025 23:51

My husband of 15 years has just text me whilst on my night shift to say he’s packed his car up and when I get home in the morning to take over with the children he’s going for good.

So……

what do I do now?

financially - emotionally - childcare I’m screwed for it all.

Naively been with him for 17 years hanging on his every word and promise and now I’m mid 30’s - 2 teenagers and facing a world I don’t even know how to begin taking a step forward into on top of the fact I have another 6 hours of shift to get through.

OP posts:
wizzywig · 18/02/2025 17:57

Whatdoidonowthenhey · 17/02/2025 04:12

Thank you for your replies. I have remained at work.

I have focused myself on what I need to do.

I feel as though I’ve been blindsided as I’ve just been convinced to go part time (which is not something I can now retract) due to pre teens additional support needs and husbands work commitments. So it all feels sneaky and pre planned.

I have been with this man since I was 16. I haven’t built connections have been very isolated to our family. I do not have extended family myself and literally just moved house to a new area so haven’t built up any support yet.

I feel like a train wreck. I don’t really know who I am or what I’m meant to be now. One step at a time I suppose. Can’t help but feel resentful that I have given him all of my good years.

There is no money to tuck away he’s had it all over the past couple of years on the promises of it coming back with more.

Well thankfully you now no longer need to financially support him

Laura95167 · 18/02/2025 17:58

Ok. So easier said than done but try not to panic.

First show work the texts and go home.

I don't know if this is a surprise or not but try and talk to him.

Then figure out what you know and don't. Go to CAB. Talk to loved ones. The way you'll do this is incrementally, day by day.

Best of luck

ThunderLeaf · 18/02/2025 18:07

I'm sorry you are going through this @Whatdoidonowthenhey x

Soberinthecity · 18/02/2025 18:10

I’m so sorry this happened to you. I don’t have any advice however, as somebody who has been through similar and now in my 50s, I think to myself what a lucky escape.

I know it feels like your entire world has come to an end but as somebody else mentioned, your children are teenagers not babies, and it sounds like you’re better off without him. what kind of low life does this - via text.

30s is still so young - apply for all the benefits; hopefully you can get some compassionate leave. Does your company have an EAP counselling provision? Very Best of luck to you 🙏

moomoo123456789 · 18/02/2025 18:12

hey nearly the same situation only I had just given birth and was asked to leave a new home. I was devastated.

also in my 20s I spent 7yrs with school sweet heart was engaged and he asked for space I stayed at my parents for a night..... the next words he said was we need the bank account changed.

so in all 2 homes owned and lost with heavy solicitor bills and a child.

my advice and regret was I wish I hadn't of been weak and soft with both men. do everything by the book ie maintenance payments. days and times for visits and overnights. no phone calls in between. appointments and school things etc you do separate. block ur husband asap from phone NO messages to him he can contact kids. distance from him fast. never take him back. never use his family as go between or friends as they aren't. school uniforms etc share bills. Christmas let him get his own and birthdays then he see how hard it is and cost. try ur best to look ur best crumble once he's out of site. go out never explain we're u were even if it's tesco or coffee or a swim. I sat a long time in and it's not good for them to see and no what ur doing pining. I think I talked for years no anyone that would listen and was shocked and hurt for to long. I regret it so much.. my kids have been told a line in life...... THANK YOU NEXT!!!! I won't have them ever be hurt for as I have all the years wasted.

give you a laugh I split for the 3rd time with my husband and had to get a new house... which will never have another man in it...our children have special needs so we have stayed very good friends. but when we split I did everything by the book... men don't like that being told by solicitors and maintenance payments but tough.... it should be equally done and he's probably met someone and wants to fly his kite.... it will be tough with set days and short money!!!!

I wish you all the best please please please don't be weak you are amazing and deserve to be happy X was I had of been stronger faster I wasted years.... don't ask him why or please stay just say OK goodbye leave you key. do not leave the property!!!!!!!!!

MauveExpert · 18/02/2025 18:12

I went through this just over three years ago (albeit a less challenging one as I didn’t have children). I was 38 and we had been together 14 years.

The main advice I can give is what my dad told me at the time- “keep the heid” or basically don’t allow your emotions to get out of control and affect the practicalities.

The chances are, he’s been planning it for awhile and his mind is made up. There may be another woman (there was in my case)
Whilst he’s still feeling guilty and stressed, try to deal with the finances. And try to keep a cool head when you do it. As soon as I got angry and upset, my very immature ex just got more difficult.

I promise, you will be fine. It will take time but you will get through this. He may grow to regret it but you’ll probably be glad you escaped

DorothyStorm · 18/02/2025 18:14

Moonlightstars · 17/02/2025 07:32

As an older woman I promise you, you haven't given him your best years. Those are to come. Particularly without this horrible bit of rubbish you've been living with.

This. What an arsehole he is.

Soberinthecity · 18/02/2025 18:14

KhakiOrca · 17/02/2025 06:23

This is awful for you OP. But please don't think your best years have been with him. You are only mid 30s with teenagers. You best years are yet to come. Although it doesn't l like that right now.
What an arsehole, he probably did have it all planned.

Edited

Of course he did. What a waste of oxygen.

cornflakecrunchie · 18/02/2025 18:15

Been there, done that, @Whatdoidonowthenhey - you will go through tough times, can't lie, but you WILL come through, tougher & happier. We'll all be with you. Good luck.

Budgetconscious2 · 18/02/2025 18:18

@Whatdoidonowthenhey so sorry for you.

Is it possible he's been planning this for a long time and so has been hiding the money rather than wasting it on schemes, etc?

KateP93 · 18/02/2025 18:23

This is heart-wrenching, but sadly, all too commonplace. Try to keep a COOL head, as difficult as that is, meaning, try not to give into panic or grief at this point. Stay as detached as possible while sorting out the practical logistics. Be factual with the kids, explain you will need their cooperation and sense of responsibility, but don't overburden them or ask them to take sides. Kids need to feel safe and not embroiled in their parents' problems, no matter who is at fault. Go to HR to get a little time off. Get a lawyer. Secure your financial assets as best you can, take your share from joint bank account etc.
You will eventually recover--be sure of that.
Once the worst is over, you would probably benefit from therapy to help you understand yourself better, and your attachment style. Without it, you may find yourself in a similar relationship in the future, either with your ex-spouse or someone who behaves similarly. This too, is all too common.

SergeantDawkins · 18/02/2025 18:23

Small point but, is it his car to take?

(I’d be tempted to let the tyres down on my way in from work, he can tell the kids why the car is full of his stuff?)

And, what a massive prick.
The trash is taking itself out, as others have said.

ThisZanyPinkSquid · 18/02/2025 18:29

I am sorry. He seems to have really blindsided you!! Especially with giving him money and reducing your hours for him….take each day as it comes. If in the UK look at benefits calculators. Also childcare shouldn’t be an issue hopefully as hoping he will continue to co-parent?

Sending hugs.

ConsuelaHammock · 18/02/2025 18:30

I wouldn’t go home if my husband sent me this message . There’s no way I’d be giving up my job and looking after his children to facilitate him working fulltime, going out when he wants and essentially living the life of a single man. Tell him you’ll see him in a few weeks and go and stay with a friend.

McYummy · 18/02/2025 18:31

I'm sorry this happened to you OP. Anyone who treats you like this has been holding you back. Now you get to make your own plans (for what will undoubtedly be the best years of your life). Seek out, ask for and accept help from people around you and build your new support network starting now. Solicitors, citizens advice, friendly colleagues, neighbours, distant family - not everyone will be helpful, but you'd be surprised at how many will show up for you when you ask.

Tiaptia85 · 18/02/2025 18:31

What a situation to be in.... Can you find more information what exactly has happened? Why via text? That's weird.. Sorry, it is very painful and I'm sure it is hurting you badly atm. On the bright side, you are in you mid 30s, whoo hoo, so much is still ahead. If it is what he said that was, the shit has removed itself from you wonderful life, yes please. Now, a lawyer and physiological help. You need to be strong and have a clear mind to get through it with the least damage possible.

ConsuelaHammock · 18/02/2025 18:31

Hope you’re ok btw x

Chattygirl123 · 18/02/2025 18:32

Channellingsophistication · 17/02/2025 07:11

So sorry you are going through this. What a shock! Take it one day at a time you will get through this.

I got divorced in my mid 30s - my best years were after that - and yours will be too.

Same here. Divorced at 34 with a 4 year old. Remarried at 36 and now have another child who is 10. It doesn't feel like it now but you will be glad 2 be rid of him in a few weeks and months!!

IsobelElsie123 · 18/02/2025 18:34

Take some time, can’t you get paid leave from work for at least the rest of the week? Don’t bury your head in the sand or be ashamed. I was in your position 24 years ago, believe me, it will work out. It won’t always be easy, but you won’t have to worry what he is doing and with whom. In a year’s time you will realise the joy of peace without a lying b*stard. Do not take him back! For the kids sake as well as you.

Washingupdone · 18/02/2025 18:41

💐 Take care of yourself. Wishing you well.

Rushcourt71 · 18/02/2025 18:41

15 Years and this is how he has shown he wants to end the relationship! What kind of a person does something like this and thinks nothing of it.

In real terms, you are better off without him. Think of how you can personally improve on your circumstances without him as a partner. In the long term, think of all those things you could not do or had little time for; now you can try them when your circumstances become easier.

In practical terms, talk to your children, explain the situation to them in the way you feel they will understand. Be strong, believe in yourself, look to the positive side of what you can achieve with your children by your side.

If you can, look for opportunities that allow you to stay at home and work at the same time, involve your children (especially if they are reasonably old enough) in your every day routine so that you can become more closer together, it will also keep you healthier. Speak to friends and wider family about what you can do and how to keep yourselves united and firm.

GoldenGail · 18/02/2025 18:41

ExercicenformedeZ · 17/02/2025 12:02

Yes, but then he will be on the hook for maintenance. OP should probably hire a foresnic accountant to make sure that he isn't hiding assets as well. He's the sort who would squirrel money away and take pleasure from hiding it. OP shouldn't let him get away with it. Make him pay up every penny that he owes.

Show quote history

Shes already said they have no money

Meeatcheese · 18/02/2025 18:44

Your good years are not over, believe that. This is shit and will be so hard for you, but you can recover and go on to better things. Go home strong, determined and act unemotional. Find a solicitor and see your doctor. Good luck.

PoppysMammy · 18/02/2025 18:49

NewHeaven · 17/02/2025 00:22

Oh I so sorry @Whatdoidonowthenhey what an absolute shithead your dp is. Speak to your manager and try and get a few days off work to get a plan in place.

Can you forward his message to his family before he spins them a tale? At least they have proof of his intentions before they get sucked in by his lies. He will find it difficult to persuade them with another version if you've already sent them his text message.

I'd also share it on Facebook now so everyone knows before he leaves what a shit he is. Best thing to do is to destroy his reputation before he destroys yours.

He won't be expecting you to do anything at this time of night so make sure you move your half of the cash from all joint accounts. After you do transfer your money, do a big online foodshop & buy next size clothes/ shoes for the kids.

Change all your passwords to all of your accounts.

I’m getting the impression you’ve been bitten, but this is poor advice.

OP please don’t involve family or update on FB. Drama just leads to drama. Of course stand up for yourself but don’t be the instigator.

BreakingDay · 18/02/2025 19:00

I am so sorry… I just want to say you are stronger than you think and you will get through this. Don’t expect too much of yourself - you can’t fix everything and know all the answers - this will take time. Look after yourself first and foremost. Get some legal advise and then take it from there - you should be able to get an hour for free to get you started. Take time off work if you need it, when you need it but if it helps to keep working then do that. There is no right answer. You will get there - take it one day at a time. This is the first step in a difficult journey but you will look back on this day and be amazed at how far you have come and how much you have achieved. Believe this and hold onto it.