To be upset son got married without me there?

[Knju]

My 26 year old son has called me and told me he had something to tell me- he got married to his girlfriend on valentine's day. They weren't even engaged so I thought he was joking.
He said they'd spoken about the future as they were looking to buy a house and got approved for a mortgage and decided they wanted to get married so they just went ahead and booked to do it. They apparently booked this in October but never said anything to us, not over Christmas, nothing. They've gone away just the two of them to some hotel and had another couple staying at the hotel as witnesses. He has sent pictures though and they are dressed up.

I've just cried down the phone at him, I just can't believe he'd get married without me, his stepdad and his siblings there. He said he knew I 'might be disappointed' but they didn't want a fuss or to pay for a big wedding. Looking at this hotel though it looks like they have spent quite a bit staying there, if we had known we could have just gone for the ceremony, or if they truly didn't want a big fuss we could have done something small locally. It's not ended well on the phone him saying he hopes I can get over it and be happy for them.

I feel like my reaction is quite normal. AIBU?

You wouldn’t let her?

You don’t sound like any kind of friend to me.

He has texted me and said his wife would like to treat us to a day out next weekend but he wants to know if I can 'plaster a smile on' for them

That's encouraging. I hope you'll take them up on this

“…or they’re not into marriage”. Nailed it. Some people aren’t into marriage, or at least the pomp and ceremony around it, so if they have a fundamentally different philosophy around marriage but want to do it for the legal benefits WHY SHOULD THEY HAVE A WEDDING THEY DONT WANT AND DONT BELIEVE IN?

People bandy around selfishness like it’s a cardinal sin but in most cases there is absolutely nothing wrong with prioritising yourself. Other people’s feelings about that are allowed, of course, but it’s their issue and their responsibility to manage. Oh, and you don’t get to be the arbiter of who’s right or wrong any more than I do! These are all opinions not facts!

He has texted me and said his wife would like to treat us to a day out next weekend but he wants to know if I can 'plaster a smile on' for them.

This is a lot more change than you would ever have got out of me in the circumstances, @Knju. Your DiL has offered you an olive branch even though you've intrusively asked whether she is pregnant, and given absolutely no consideration to her painful family circumstances which likely led to their decision about the wedding. That this was not intended as a personal affront against you is clearly demonstrated by her actions now. Your DiL seems a kind, magnanimous woman, OP. What a pity it is that you can't see it.

You've been given the opportunity of mending this situation before it causes an insurmountable rift. You will do as you please in response to her offer - I'm sure you've been used to doing so - but if you turn it down you'd be a fool.

The ball's in your court.

Marriage is about family. They could have had a small wedding with immediate family and a lunch afterwards. I voted YABU by accident. You are not being unreasonable in thinking this is unkind and rude.

The more this post has gone on the more I’m understanding their decision and thinking you are being unreasonable.

If he has at least 4 siblings then even a ‘small’ wedding would have become much more than they wanted and tricky to navigate who to and not to invite. Your son was right, all or nothing makes sense. Inbetween is just messy.

You have v much sounded like your saying it’s her fault.
Yet she offered a small home wedding. He said no.
Shes also been the bigger person and offered a nice day out and an olive branch despite your reaction.

In your own admission, you would have put pressure on for a home wedding.

You’ve said you know she’s good for him. She sounds popular with other members of your family but you’ve implied that’s because she buys their affection.

If you’re heartbroken about this, you’ll be more heartbroken if you push them away now and even more if they then have children and you’re estranged.

Go for the day out and don't criticise their decision. But it wouid be fine to say you were upset, though you understand it's their choice and you don't want to cause any rift. Then focus on having a nice time together.

Definitely take them up on the day out. Tell him that you will be there with a smile and that whilst disappointed you weren’t there the important thing is that you are very happy for them.

Indeed. Marriage isn’t a sacrament, a huge milestone, or a major life event as far as I’m concerned. I didn’t want anyone around who wanted it to be a bigger deal than I did, who was Bravely Concealing Sadness that I wasn’t a vision in white having photos with the bridesmaids lined up either side or smooching the groom at a local beauty spot. I have no issues with being in the limelight, and I love a party, and I adore DH — this just wasn’t an occasion that merited a big deal for me.

OP, it's done. They're married and they did it the quiet, unfussy way they wanted. I did the same, precisely because the thought of any fuss and being the centre of attention made me cringe.

Gently, let it go. If you want a relationship with your DiL, try to build one - but bear in mind it may take a long time and patience. Some of us aren't good at letting others get close to us.

*Wholepeppercorn *
I was just happy they had the day they wanted, neither of them wanted a big 'do' anyway, so it was just perfect for them.
She's Japanese, and has no family here, and l think he felt she'd feel sad getting married with no one from her family there, and all of his, so that's how they did it, they chose the two people they're closest to as their witnesses.
His dad and l did something similar years ago, we had a pagan handfasting, just the two of us plus the celebrant and a few people from the pagan group.
We didn't tell anyone beforehand (I was very ill at the time) and not for quite a while after, as we were concentrating on my health and recovery.

No, it isn't for some of us. It's about our relationship with our significant other.

He has texted me and said his wife would like to treat us to a day out next weekend but he wants to know if I can 'plaster a smile on' for them.

This is not the behaviour of people who don't care or want to cut you out, especially after your initial reaction. If you are at all wise, you will grasp the chance with both hands.

A close friends daughter got married with 2 friends as witnesses, my friend knew about it in advance. I know she would have been hurt but she was nothing but positive about it with everyone. She still has an excellent relationship with her daughter and the grandchildren. This is surely more important than any wedding issues.

With your update I would tell you son you would be delighted to meet them next weekend and that you were a bit shocked but are so happy for him.

Reassure him with your congratulations on his marriage and wish both of them a happy life together.

You need to swallow your disappointment now and put your best foot forward and me warm and welcoming.

You may feel marriage is about family but not everyone agrees! My marriage is about me and my husband.

It's only the joining of two families if that's what the couple and those families want. I've known marriages where that is the case but more when the links are fairly limited mostly.

This happened to me, OP with my sister.
She just suddenly called me and said she was married, after they had lived with her partner for several years.
I accept it, our parents are divorced and that would have been difficult I guess but it did seem a bit - sneaky?
She just suddenly has a ring, a picture and they went with some friend, it doesn't feel great to be left out does it?
As it's your son, it's worse and it will take you a little while to get over it I think that you will in the end but it is a bit of a betrayal of trust not to let you know in advance.

I think your reaction is to be expected. But YABU. It's their choice. 🤷‍♀️

Good luck to them,they did it the way they wanted.

For you, marriage is about family. For me, I was an individual marrying another individual. We’re both fond of and close to one another’s families, but we haven’t joined them, and our wedding was definitely about our own dressed-down preferences rather than some collective statement.

My marriage couldn’t be more about keeping the two families apart if we tried 😂.

I married my dh not his family and he would say he married me despite my family. There was a very clear line at our wedding his side all day and night to the right and mine to the left barely a word uttered between. It was definitely not the joining of two families.

I also didn’t really care about the wedding. I wanted marriage. The wedding was because of social norms. I would so elope if we had the time again.

Well, it comes in handy when you are forced to deal with people who feel like they own you.

I despair. Can you not read? They didn't invite anyone. There were no guests. Just two witnesses.

@Knju I feel I really want to pick up on the discussion about family, hers and yours.

There's a sense on this thread that her not having a relationship with her own family would/should make her more keen to be more involved in yours and maybe sometimes it would.

But, it's really complex and doesn't always work like that. She may have a very different experience of what family means and might feel very ambivalent or even unsafe in a family dynamic. Her experience of family is likely to be that they leave/die or they hurt you.

Give her time and space. It sounds like she's really trying to make an effort but it could be really hard for her.

Can you honestly say that if he came to you in October and told you he was getting married, you would have been happy for him to have a tiny ceremony with just immediate family? Or would you have encouraged him to invite more people and try to make him feel bad for not inviting certain people?

However you feel about it, you need to get past it or risk ruining your relationship with your son and daughter in law.

You can feel disappointed but ultimately if two people just want to have a little private thing that is entirely up to them. Some people don't want the big wedding or anything that goes along with it and that is a perfectly valid choice to make. They are adults, you don't get to dictate to them how they live their lives or to judge them for it.