To be upset son got married without me there?

[Knju]

My 26 year old son has called me and told me he had something to tell me- he got married to his girlfriend on valentine's day. They weren't even engaged so I thought he was joking.
He said they'd spoken about the future as they were looking to buy a house and got approved for a mortgage and decided they wanted to get married so they just went ahead and booked to do it. They apparently booked this in October but never said anything to us, not over Christmas, nothing. They've gone away just the two of them to some hotel and had another couple staying at the hotel as witnesses. He has sent pictures though and they are dressed up.

I've just cried down the phone at him, I just can't believe he'd get married without me, his stepdad and his siblings there. He said he knew I 'might be disappointed' but they didn't want a fuss or to pay for a big wedding. Looking at this hotel though it looks like they have spent quite a bit staying there, if we had known we could have just gone for the ceremony, or if they truly didn't want a big fuss we could have done something small locally. It's not ended well on the phone him saying he hopes I can get over it and be happy for them.

I feel like my reaction is quite normal. AIBU?

I’d be upset too, but ultimately their choice OP you cant do anything about it, but try to keep good relations for the future.

I think the wife’s family history probably has something to do with keeping you arms length, maybe she is very cautious and doesnt see the value of family, or envisage how an extended family could be, and doesnt know how to behave near you guys. Your son’s re-writing of history could also be that - try to have something in common with her, some common family woes.

Delicate situation, I’d try to keep on being close with her, without overwhelming them, acting awkward or judgy. Just chilled out fun types. Hopefully you live close so this arms length wont turn into another estranged situation. Sons, (generalising) are worse at keeping relations going than daughters. Best of luck OP...

Yes I can understand why you're hurt, but ultimately it was his choice. Yes agree to meet up with them, you can say you were upset as you would have loved to celebrate with them, but you accept it was his choice. Nothing can be changed now so you'll either need to accept it or risk any future relationship with them.

The lack of self awareness and empathy you are showing for your now DIL is staggering and coupled with the implied slights might be a key to why they went low key rather than have you there.

If your response to things not going exactly as you demand is the same as your response to his wedding, and you, his stepfather and siblings talk about him as disparagingly to his face as you have done about his wedding, I doubt your son is rewriting his childhood at all, more likely coming to terms reality of what his life was like as he was being told to be grateful.

I hope he and his new wife and the friends they consider family, have a long and happy life together without having their happy occasions clouded by the emotional and self centred outbursts of his family.

The fact that they are taking you out to lunch to celebrate isn’t even enough and that he’s having to ask you to put on a smile is pretty telling of why he wouldn’t have wanted you there in an intimate setting. The wedding is not about you. His married life is not about you. Perhaps focus on why your entire family seems so keen to shit all over your son’s occasion rather than accept his decision.

His new wife seems to know how to deal with self centred, nasty families, so it’s good to know she’ll have his back.

Honestly I'd be questioning myself what I. Sling that my son felt the need to hide it from me because he felt I wouldn't support his decision. I'd hope my children could always tell me their decisions and not he afraid of my reaction.

close or enmeshed?

It’s imperative you look at the big picture and to the future now. You were not unreasonable to be upset and hurt but you would be unreasonable not to accept that it was their choice and doesn’t mean they don’t care about you, they just have different values and opinions about weddings as opposed to marriages (the most important bit).

You really have to let it go and put it behind you unless you want to jeopardise your future relationship with them. It’s not as if you were singled out for particular exclusion; no family attended.

You now have to decide whether the most important thing is:

1. Ensuring they fully understand just how hurt you are.
2. Having a good relationship with your son and his wife now and in the future and ensuring they enjoy spending time with you. She is clearly wanting you in their lives and to reassure you. Don’t risk losing that goodwill. You can’t change the past but you can influence the future.

It's got nothing to do with the op why they choose to have a private ceremony. Being nasty to the op will not get you anywhere. Her Dil has offered to take her out so she can make it up to her.

You can be upset about it - and it's understandable that you would be - but it is not worth falling out with your child over. It's done, they had their reasons, do you want them in your future or not?

I did that. No-one was upset, everyone was happy for us, and we had a bit of a party a bit later.
It's a private covenant between two people, if they choose not to have a big fancy-pants shindig then that's up to them. I'm afraid you ABVVU

My Uncle did this last year. His wife has a tricky family, he lives far away and it was the most diplomatic and easiest thing to do. My reaction is delight, his sister (my mum) was very upset, but really all that upset boiled down to 'I wanted to be there' and it's really not about I but them. They have decided to make a serious commitment and wanted it to be just about that and actually, I really respect that. We almost did the same thing and we ended up inviting our parents and siblings, there was still fuss and huffs and rows about various things and people but ultimately it wasn't about a wedding but about marriage for us.

You can ask if later on they would like a celebratory party but unless you get over the wedding part then it would just be in bad taste. Just think about all the future to come. The wife is never going to warm up to you if you throw strops now. Listen to what they want and need. Incidentally when we bought our house we were not married and our solicitor urged us to do it as soon as possible if we intended to. Legally it is a lot more straightforward if you are married if anything should happen.

In the future, if this was my child and they didn't want a party, I would do a wonderful meal and just celebrate and say congratulations. Would I like to be there? Sure but I will just respect my kids and hope they have sense to do what is best for them.

Put yourself in your DIL’s shoes. A wedding would likely serve as an acute reminder of how much she has lost - her brother and her parents and probably a wider family. It takes a lifetime to get over that no matter how things may appear on the outside.

I fully get why she would not have wanted a ‘big day’ and she and your son are under no obligation to provide that for anyone. Try and be understanding and put away any feelings that you are somehow ‘owed’ a wedding for all you have done for your son. Prove to your DIL that not all parents are massive dicks.

My OH & I are hoping to get married in a year or two, when we save, his mammy's feelings won't come into it & if they did it would sour his feelings about her, everyone will be invited to it, City Hall & food & drinks on us after... please don't let this ruin your relationship, take a look at your attitude

But that's what's right for you. Not everyone has that kind of close family where everyone looks out for each other and it's all lovely. The DIL clearly doesn't, which is clearly partly why they chose to get married the way they did. I can imagine it would have been painful for her to have her husband's side of the family there, but the absence of her own as a painful reminder of her own situation.

He has texted me and said his wife would like to treat us to a day out next weekend but he wants to know if I can 'plaster a smile on' for them.

I'd do that TBH.

I get the hurt - and frankly devastation - but I personally wouldn't have cried down the phone but expressed surpised and offered congratulations.

I wonder if it's becuase she is estranged from her family - she possible embrassed by this or worried a family wedding would highlight this again to her on a day she wanted to be about her future noty perhaps a painful past. I worried that DH had way more friends than me and that would be apparent at any large chruch wedding - though cost (we paid) meant we kept it to very immediated family and registry office in end.

Long term you want to get on with them both so I'd try to rapidly move on to being happy for them - and building a future relationship with them both.

He has texted me and said his wife would like to treat us to a day out next weekend but he wants to know if I can 'plaster a smile on' for them.

You've been offered an olive branch, OP - accept it with grace.

It was a shock for you to hear about the wedding happening secretly but it would not have been done with any intention to hurt you. Your DIL has a difficult family situation and probably didn't want to have this rubbed in by seeing all her partner's relatives at her wedding, with only friends on her side. Having just his parents present and not hers would have been painful too. As would telling you about it beforehand and knowing that you'd be back at home feeling sad and angry during the ceremony.

When you see them, focus on the loveliness of their relationship and the possibilities for everyone to grow closer in future. And buy them a bottle of champagne!

Yanbu for being upset / disappointed etc.

but…. Yabu to give him a hard time. He got married the way he wanted to. Don’t let it destroy your relationship.

Yes that is bound to help! Remind the newlyweds that OP is the martyr mother from a dickens novel and that the missed wedding was a knife through her heart but she will bravely soldier on. That’s the ticket!

He has texted me and said his wife would like to treat us to a day out next weekend but he wants to know if I can 'plaster a smile on' for them.

And can you do this? Because I would be trying my hardest in your shoes.

A lot of the replies on this thread have gone from one extreme of saying you’re ridiculous to be upset to the other of advising you to cut your son out of your will and refuse to help with any (hypothetical) grandchildren. Personally I think the second of the two extremes is more ridiculous, but that’s just my view. What I think is probably more accurate is that you’re somewhere between these two extremes.

I don’t think you’re unreasonable to be disappointed as missing the wedding. But that’s over now. You don’t have a time machine. What you do have is choices. You can choose to weep and wail over this and potentially turn it into a long-term feud, just so you can express “your right” to be upset (as some posters are so determined you should). Or you can have a little cry privately, lament that you didn’t get the wedding you wanted for your son, but accept that he and his wife got the wedding they wanted and congratulate them. And hopefully have a good relationship with them going forward.

Out of interest, did he get to make any decisions about your wedding when you married his stepfather? Did he get a say at all about having another parental figure brought into his life? Or did you do what you felt was best for you?

My sister did this, my Mum was devastated and I was left to pick up the pieces. Due to large age gaps, realistically she was the only grand child GP's would live long enough to see getting married and all my GP's were devastated as well. Although it was well over 30 years ago and never spoken of now, no one in either family bothers with their big anniversaries etc.

Yes it is up to them but I totally get why you are so upset.

@twinmum2007

they might have been upset behind closed doors though. You’ll never know though.

They had the wedding they wanted without any fuss. It would be different if they had a big wedding with all the trimmings and not invite you. But as they only invited 2 people, so dozens of other family and friends weren't invited either, I think you are being unreasonable!

@Knju please accept the offered trip and try to be happy for them - obviously you will be sad you missed out but they are so happy at the start of a new journey, do you really want to undermine that for them? Embrace them and the situation.

FWIW I have children and would be sad not to see them marry so I get it, but I'd also always put their happiness first.

Well isn’t that exactly how it should be?

I only have one child, a son. And I think I would be a little upset not to witness him get married BUT I would really like to believe I would just be happy for him and not let my absence at one life event ruin all the wonderful moments to share in the future. I know it’s easy to say at the moment as he is not marrying age but I hope my feelings wouldn’t change over time.

Everyone is different, everyone has different priorities and family dynamics. Weddings are a tricky thing and usually there is always someone that is offended by the couples choice. The idea of just being married and removing the politics is appealing to a lot of younger generation. I know a few people who have had elopements for this reason.

I can understand your upset OP, I'd be devastated but not for the same reason you are.

The bottom line is he should have been able to tell you about this beforehand and you should have been able to respect his wishes about how they wanted to do it, and been happy for them, but it seems like you along with your DH and kids all would have rocked up on the day and/or not been happy for them for doing it that way?

They obviously thought that if they gave you advance notice you may have worked on them until you were allowed to go to it, or you would have just shown up on the day, I think you need to be totally honest with your self and ask yourself if that may be the case? Because if it is then they have done the only thing they could have done to keep it as private as they wanted it to be.

It's unfortunate and I really do feel for you, but if you can't respect their decision now, it seem like you wouldn't have respected it then either.