To be upset son got married without me there?

[Knju]

My 26 year old son has called me and told me he had something to tell me- he got married to his girlfriend on valentine's day. They weren't even engaged so I thought he was joking.
He said they'd spoken about the future as they were looking to buy a house and got approved for a mortgage and decided they wanted to get married so they just went ahead and booked to do it. They apparently booked this in October but never said anything to us, not over Christmas, nothing. They've gone away just the two of them to some hotel and had another couple staying at the hotel as witnesses. He has sent pictures though and they are dressed up.

I've just cried down the phone at him, I just can't believe he'd get married without me, his stepdad and his siblings there. He said he knew I 'might be disappointed' but they didn't want a fuss or to pay for a big wedding. Looking at this hotel though it looks like they have spent quite a bit staying there, if we had known we could have just gone for the ceremony, or if they truly didn't want a big fuss we could have done something small locally. It's not ended well on the phone him saying he hopes I can get over it and be happy for them.

I feel like my reaction is quite normal. AIBU?

Absolutely their right to do what they want - but they can't stop anybody else having feelings about it or demand that people have the feelings they want. Actions always come with consequences. There's a pp who is hurt that their DM won't talk about the wedding or ask to see photos. FFS you can't have it both ways - you didn't want anyone there, the message is this is all about us, you can't then expect the same people (who feel rejected) to ask about it. There was a lot of different ways the OPs DS could have told OP that would have been more thoughtful than a phonecall that completely blindsided her. I'm guessing a lot of respondents on here haven't ever experienced this IRL. I have. It's not attending the wedding that's the issue, it's people you thought you were close to keeping secrets. It makes you feel stupid and forces you to re-evaluate your entire relationship.

Her right to being a mother should be taken away is that how you feel?

This!

It is “self-centred”.

OP is making something that has nothing to do with her all about her.

It’s not about you and your feelings OP. And it’s not of your husbands business at all he’s not even related to your son, a step parent certainly doesn’t get to get angry over this.

You don’t even seem to understand if one of them is estranged how it would feel to them if they had no one and then you were there, can’t you imagine?

it’s about the couple and what they want, a day just the two of them sounds wonderful. I wish them a happy and long life together.

They knew we'd been considering marriage but nothing more. I called them after the wedding to say we were married, and they were genuinely fine with it, not putting on an act. They thought it was a really good idea to have a quiet, private ceremony and respected our decision. I suspected they'd be fine with it because they're very quiet, calm people. They never create a drama.

Nobody is saying her right to be a mother should be taken away?

"unless they were abusive"

OK, I'll bite.

What kind of abuse? Because emotional abuse or emotional neglect is extremely hard to get the perpetrators to admit.

Even with physical abuse, a perpetrator often would still try and deny or minimise. They would try and gaslight the victim with all sorts of manipulation.

Do not bring the word "abuse" into the mix, because you're just making it the victim's job to manage a situation.

It seems to me that you're saying that if your parents beat you up day and night, then OK to elope. If they didn't, then who determines what abuse is and whether okay to elope? Just don't bring the word abuse into the mix. It's so ignorant.

What "rights" do you imagine the OP has/had over her adult son and his now wife?

Being a mother is not a 'right'.

It's a privilege.

And I think this is probably it. They are calm people and don't like a drama, so you could be confidant they'd be fine with it.

But the DS knew his Mum would be upset and did it anyway. He may have had very good reasons, and the OP may have been overly emotional but clearly he knew that it was likely.

So arguably the OP has to suck up the wedding if she wants to continue a relationship, but also the DS has to suck up that he knowingly hurt his mother, even if for valid reasons, and also has to meet her halfway to repairing the relationship.

She is his mum. I agree with some of the other posters that he did it because his wife has no family. He knew if he told his mum she would Pushto be there. He knew he would disappoint his mum but he felt he had no choice. He didn't do it to hurt her.

The others are too young- it was the teenagers. They have her back always as she buys them anything they want whenever they ask.
I don't have any future inheritance to cut him out of nor would I have been paying for any wedding as my DH is disabled and we don't get by easily as it is.

I'm trying to keep up with the thread but it's going too fast.

She does have friends here by the way, it's just she has an academic career and studied abroad so knows lots of people abroad, they are always on holiday various places meeting up with them. They went to a wedding in Thailand last year and my son was really enthusiastic about it.

I'm acutely aware that I sound like I'm dragging her and I'm not trying to at all. Yes, she is very different to me and I'd like to be close to her and don't seem to be able to be.

Some of the comments about family set up have been a bit triggering as my son has seemed to want to re write history the last few years of how his teenage years were when his stepdad and I have never done anything but try to support him.

He has texted me and said his wife would like to treat us to a day out next weekend but he wants to know if I can 'plaster a smile on' for them.

Op wears that badge with honour

My eldest stepson and his wife did this.
They went to the registry office, the two of them, his younger brother and her best friend as their witnesses. They hadn't told anyone, that's how they wanted it. Then they all went out for a meal afterwards.
Her family are in Japan, so they had a Buddhist ceremony there the next time they went to visit.
I think his mum was a bit put out, but his dad just said "If that's what you wanted, that's what you do. Use the money you'd have spent on a wedding on something you both want."

You don’t mention how you felt?

I can't actually believe some of the responses on here - the people saying 'good on them, they did what they wanted' are ridiculous - they either don't have children or children of marrying age or are not into marriage themselves - because I would be absolutely devastated OP. I would never have done such a thing to my own beloved mother and I would be very very hurt if my son did this to me. It is one thing not wanting a big wedding, and perhaps wanting to go away on their own, but quite another not to even mention it. He has been selfish - many will say that is no bad thing - but I think it is a terrible thing. When I go married, I remember only wanting a small wedding, but my mum wanted to invite her brother who I had only met a couple of times as he lived far away. It was my brother who said to me 'do this for our mum, make her happy'. And I did it, and I am so pleased I did because my mum was so pleased. It takes someone outside of your own mind sometimes to make you see sense, and I think unfortunately for you, he has married someone who also doesn't care about anyone else's feelings. I know others will disagree with me, but they are all wrong. Your feelings are absolutely valid. However, not much you can do about it now, you have said your piece and he has said his - it's done. x

Can understand both sides-but he sounds sensible and so much more level headed than those whose weddings spiral out of control..

Go out with your new Dil and tell your son to stay behind with his siblings or step dad. Do you think he resented his younger brothers are they your husbands natural children?

I'd be incredibly hurt if my DC chose to get married without me there

MN can be a bit weird about this stuff IMHO. I'm surprised so many people expect OP to be OK with this

Your name says it all..hard be your heart....

Finances are tight, he's got a "furious" disabled stepdad, and by the sounds of it, at least 4 much younger siblings.
I think it's perfectly reasonable to assume your version of his childhood is very different than his own. That's a lot.
He's giving you a chance to move forward. Please take it.

My cousin did this to my aunt and only told her she was married afterwards. My aunt was devasted.

My aunt is one of those people who also cannot control their emotions and would not approve of my cousins desired wedding so they decided to get married with just a few friends in attendance. They did not tell my aunt in advance because she would have turned up with a few relative with her (few being about 50).

My aunt cried down the phone to her sisters and nieces but my cousin never knew.

You should definitely take her up on that. It’s so worth trying to have a good relationship with her especially if any DGC come along.

@Knju

Have the day out and plaster that smile on your face.

By all accounts I doubt you’ll be having much interaction with them post marriage.

Keep a respectful distance now.

Sounds like a lot of people where right that this family isn’t and wasn’t as close as op thought viewing it in her rose tinted ways.

He was / is clearly unhappy with a lot of it.

Once again his wife seems lovely wanting to take op/family out. Where as the son needs to make sure op will actually be happy rather than putting a downer on her nice gesture.