To be upset son got married without me there?

[Knju]

My 26 year old son has called me and told me he had something to tell me- he got married to his girlfriend on valentine's day. They weren't even engaged so I thought he was joking.
He said they'd spoken about the future as they were looking to buy a house and got approved for a mortgage and decided they wanted to get married so they just went ahead and booked to do it. They apparently booked this in October but never said anything to us, not over Christmas, nothing. They've gone away just the two of them to some hotel and had another couple staying at the hotel as witnesses. He has sent pictures though and they are dressed up.

I've just cried down the phone at him, I just can't believe he'd get married without me, his stepdad and his siblings there. He said he knew I 'might be disappointed' but they didn't want a fuss or to pay for a big wedding. Looking at this hotel though it looks like they have spent quite a bit staying there, if we had known we could have just gone for the ceremony, or if they truly didn't want a big fuss we could have done something small locally. It's not ended well on the phone him saying he hopes I can get over it and be happy for them.

I feel like my reaction is quite normal. AIBU?

If you're not going to respect me you aren't going to inflict your drama on my family...

Nice update OP
They obviously care about you.
Go meet them starting off with " Congratulations, I'm delighted for you" and let them lead the conversation.

This! As far as I’m concerned marriage is an institution originally invented to prevent women having financial or personal autonomy and I don’t want any part in it. Due to visa reasons and wanting to move abroad I might have to do it, but it holds no more meaning to me than signing an employment contract and is more of a reluctant necessity than anything worth celebrating. I’m curious about the parents who say they’d be devastated if their child eloped, what if they told you their stance on marriage was something like mine? Would that help you understand or devastate you further?

YANBU at all. I completely understand why you feel as you do. There is no way I would have done this to my dear mum and dad. I’m very surprised at the responses you are getting.

@Bambiisasillybilly

"Women selflessly bring up their children give them their all"

That's a mother's duty to their child. Sorry to break the news that bringing up your own child isn't really a massively self sacrificing act, it's your literal job as a parent.

"Op I beg you get yourself a life"

100% agree. Parents of adult children need to get a life outside of being "mummies".

Yes, we had a practical reason for doing it too. We would have opted for a civil partnership for preference, as patriarchal baggage not attractive, but this was when they weren’t available to straight couples.

I pictured myself in your situation OP. I could almost feel the shock myself if this happened with one of my DCs and I'd had no prior knowledge of plans to marry.
However, I also saw myself holding it together through the phone call and then crying tears of disappointment and hurt later.
Then I would wait and see how things went after the stress subsided, as all married couples have stress, especially if they marry w/o inviting their families.
I hope for your sake especially OP, you too will let your anger, hurt, and disappointment go as payment down towards a better relationship with your son, DIL and any future GC. Chin up, put on a smile, you can do it, and good luck OP.

The op hasn't disrespected anyone she was only upset. Her Dil has invited her out to make it up to her. The ops son has chosen a woman who is like his mum loving and caring.

You are lucky on two counts. Both parents are dear to you, and both are still here with you.

Not all of us are fortunate enough to claim that privilege. It can make even Christmas seem a bitter-sweet event. How much more difficult to have to face that situation on your own wedding day; a day which, above all others, is meant to be a happy event for the bridal couple at least.

There's a singular lack of willingness on this thread even to contemplate how being in this position might feel.

So basically in order to "receive inheritance" (LOL I could literally give two shits about this!) an adult child needs to forevermore walk on eggshells and be forever careful they don't hurt parents' feelings with how they choose to live their own life. They get one life you know. When will they get to live it if it's always about regulating others' feelings?

God so many people on this thread desperately need therapy.

"He has texted me and said his wife would like to treat us to a day out next weekend but he wants to know if I can 'plaster a smile on' for them."

Given the previous histrionics, I don't think he is unreasonable to ask that if you do go out with them to celebrate you don't kick off or sulk

Sounds like your son and DIL are working hard to try an maintain a relationship. for tbiscontinues all depends on how you react now.

If you reply with yes, that would be lovely, we would love to see you. Apologise for your behaviour and say you were shocked and didn’t behave well but your very happy for them both as they work so well together. And send DIL a message saying congratulations, now you’vr had a moment reflect you realise how luck you are to have such lovely DIL.

"Then I would wait and see how things went after the stress subsided, as all married couples have stress, especially if they marry w/o inviting their families."

Sounds like you're hoping for the worst...

I think you'll find the opposite of your claim is true - the length of a marriage often seems inversely proportional to the size and expense of the wedding.

I would be disappointed, but if you are acting disappointed in him and his wife, rather than being happy for them, I can see why it was a good option for them.

How presumptuous you are. No I don’t still have both my DM and DF with me sadly, but they certainly were there back when I got married. I certainly understand the sadness of this loss at Christmas and every day through the rest of the year.

I’ll thank you not to make up baseless and hurtful assumptions about me to support your argument.

With every passing update from you the real picture becomes clearer and clearer.

@Babadookinthewardrobe

No I don’t still have both my DM and DF with me sadly, but they certainly were there back when I got married.

And that is surely the point?

Crying down the phone at someone is performative, manipulative and childish. If you can't control your emotions, cut the call and ring back when you are calmer.

I would be devastated if my son got married without at least telling me beforehand.

YANBU to be upset but it would be unreasonable to hold this against them and make any more of an issue of it than you already have.

OP, you need to think carefully about your perception that your son "wants to re write history" about how his teenage years were. You have said it was just the two of you for 10 years. Then a big change happened. You are an adult struggling to accept feeling 'discarded' by a son who has met a new wife. He was a child. His history is not your history.

I understand why you’re upset but I also totally understand why he did this. If we could do it again we would elope. You can’t really be mad at him for spending on the hotel though. The cost of a nice hotel vs a wedding are not really comparable.

You could reply to DS, that you don't need to plaster on a smile, you are genuinely delighted that they have decided to get married .
but he should could try & understand that one of the milestones as a parent, having been down the winding road of bringing them up, making sure they thrive & "fly" as independent adults, is the wedding, as he may discover one day.
Because as the parent, their path through life is inevitably linked to yours.
His GF has cut her own family off, so she feels nothing about the implications for her parents, but he is his own individual thinking person.
You can empathize with wanting a small low budget wedding, but hurting you should have been obvious.

What is done is done, You will get over it.

And for me/DP, a necessary legal contract we will likely have to do in order to not leave the other with an inheritance tax bill (house in SE).

Honestly, given that my family would have a similar sobbing reaction, if we ever do it we likely won’t even tell them. Just sign the papers and go home.

This..i understand how you feel but sounds like things are complicated and what's done is done now. Be happy for them and celebrate with them now. It's true that it can only be 2 people or a min of about 20 and where does small simple event turn into a full on wedding ?