Resenting being left to look after all the kids while they go running

[FoxesFM]

DH and I have 3 couple friends (well my brother/his DW, her brother/his DW and another couple). We all live pretty close to each other, have kids of similar ages and get along well. Of the group, 6 of them are keen fell/trail runners, DH is one of them, I am not and actually hate it. Since mid-last year it's become a bit of thing where the 6 who like running go out on a Sunday afternoon 1/2 times a month and myself and the other friend who doesn't like running stay back with all the kids. There are 9 kids total (7, 7, 7, 5, 5, 5, 4, 3, 3), my brother has a massive house with a large playroom and a sunroom which the kids can run around in, plus massive gardens with tennis court/tree house etc, so we all gather here, even though both brother and his wife go running. Me and my friend are then left with all the kids for anything between 3 and 6 hours (counting for driving to start point, run time and drive back, plus conditions in the winter are slowing them down, especially when they go for the fell running option and end up on icy, windy ridges). When they get back we take all the kids to the pub for dinner, but this can be as late as 6pm on a Sunday!

For a while I didn't mind it, the kids get on well and sort of split into groups and entertain each other, but it is hardly stress free. It has got to the point where I somewhat resent it, the other mum I am with doesn't seem to mind as much and I am happy to do it sometimes, maybe once a month and I'd do it every fortnight if i was at home with my kids while DH was out but being in someone else's house with 9 kids makes it very intense.

I'm often tempted to say I can't do it anymore but i'd feel awful leaving the other mum with 7 kids to look after alone and since they started going together as a group DH has seen a massive improvement in both his health and mental health (he used to get quite depressed), so I don't want to stop him doing this and he does take the kids out on other weekends and the other friends do help us with childcare often.

AIBU to resent this? Should I bring it up or keep going since they do us favours and this is DHs only real hobby?

Rotate it maybe, some kids stay elsewhere maybe grandparents as suggested then you and the other mum take it in turns with the other kids to give you all a Sunday off.

It sounds incredibly good for your DH's physical and mental health, so I would think it is worth the nuisance of this massive baby sitting session. So long as you get time to socialise and relax as well. I'd suggest that every weekend he goes fell running, you do something nice the following day, while he looks after the children.

It depends on the balance of favours, and whether you're getting similar favours in return. Talk to your DH first, and maybe agree to a reduced frequency that you're happier with - once a month sounds very reasonable of you. Maybe the running group should rotate which of them stays back for childcare.

Start charging them a rate of your choice per child per hour and wait and see the numbers of kids to look after dwindles down, is one suggestion from me.

Or say no........Is another.

I get why you don't like it. That's an intense Sunday. Tough since it's so beneficial to your DH's health and your childcare arrangements with the other couples.

I'd look at ways that might make it less severe. Take some of the older kids for a walk if it would break it up? Have someone else help with kids (though not sure who would sign up for it!)? You opt out of the pub afterwards and go home and recharge while DH takes the kids to dinner with the others?

Do any of them realise the magnitude of what you are doing for them?

There are at least two couples getting extensive free childcare there. Did you get a massive Christmas present, like a spa weekend for the two babysitters?

or are they a bunch of CF?

And the same applies to your husband. You are doing more childcare, so that he can do less of the shitty stuff. Does he appreciate it, or just selfishly take it as read?

It’s a bit much more than once a month - when do you get to go out and do whatever you fancy while someone looks after all the kids?

I’d say once a month is ok, more than that and other arrangements need to be made for the rest of the kids.

How did that ever start? Fuck that for a game of soldiers, they are absolutely taking the piss out of you.

Can you ask everyone to chip in to get a extra helper, someone to come in for three hours?

i’d take up running too if it was me.

Fuck that! NINE very young kids for 6 hours on a Sunday?! Absolutely madness

God lord no. I would be saying once every two months and in between other childcare or the families where both adults run have to take it in turns.

I think it’s fine as long as you get the equivalent time off for you, that is the real issue. Work out something you want to do for you that is child free and hold your husband to account to ensure it happens. Even if you just go for a drive and sit and read in your car for 4 hours, whatever you need to recharge your batteries too

Just look after your own kids at home, the other woman can fight her own battle. I hope they've appreciated you both and been offering babysitting/other favours in return?

That's a lot of kids

I am a runner and also run in a group with other runners with children, and this definitely needs to be done on a rota basis, with everyone taking turns to have the children (yes, even if that means missing a run).
For example, my friend missed it today and had all 5 kids and made her run up yesterday, and it will be my DH turn next weekend. I did two weeks ago and the other lady's DH will do in two week's time. That way it is fair.

This is unfair on you and the other non running mum IMO. No surprise it’s two of the four women providing regular, free childcare!

Plenty of parents run - including some primarily doing it for MH reasons - and don’t take this much of ‘prime’ leisure time up for it or do it in ways that are crappy for our partners.

Once a month sounds fair to me

Would look after my DC only, and would expect similar leisure time to DH overall

Can you at least negotiate your DH takes your kids to the pub solo (if you don't want to go) and then does bedtime so you can have a full solo night/treat yourself/go to the gym/out with friends etc?

There are three options I would consider:

If possible, hiring two babysitters which everyone chips in for - you and the other mum can go and do your own thing

Everyone takes it in turns to do the babysitting, cycling through in pairs - those not into fell running get to do whatever they want instead

The couples who both go return the favour by babysitting for you in return on a similar frequency

I'm not doing more childcare than DH, today they went out, so next Sunday I will go out for lunch with friends then go to the gym, when I get home he will take the kids walk before dinner to burn energy (he does this rain or shine).
My brothers wife picks our kids up from school on a Wednesday, then has to quickly jump in the car, drive to her kids school, picks them up and then keeps our kids until 7pm or so (DH and I get dinner alone then pick them up). Usually the two couple who left all the kids split the cost of dinner between them as a thanks or if not they will always get the drinks.
They are all lovely people and wouldn't leave the kids if they didn't think we were okay with it.

It doesn't sound so great for her mental or physical health, though. How convenient that the only thing that works for her husband is an activity that involves her having to look after the kids plus someone else's for 3 - 6 hours a week! This might be a reasonable thing for him to do once every couple of months but as a weekly activity it's an outrageous ask.

It was in the OP - they do.

When they get back we take all the kids to the pub for dinner, but this can be as late as 6pm on a Sunday!

The runners should do the kids pub trips and leave you and friend to relax with a pizza / wine at home.