Resenting being left to look after all the kids while they go running

[FoxesFM]

DH and I have 3 couple friends (well my brother/his DW, her brother/his DW and another couple). We all live pretty close to each other, have kids of similar ages and get along well. Of the group, 6 of them are keen fell/trail runners, DH is one of them, I am not and actually hate it. Since mid-last year it's become a bit of thing where the 6 who like running go out on a Sunday afternoon 1/2 times a month and myself and the other friend who doesn't like running stay back with all the kids. There are 9 kids total (7, 7, 7, 5, 5, 5, 4, 3, 3), my brother has a massive house with a large playroom and a sunroom which the kids can run around in, plus massive gardens with tennis court/tree house etc, so we all gather here, even though both brother and his wife go running. Me and my friend are then left with all the kids for anything between 3 and 6 hours (counting for driving to start point, run time and drive back, plus conditions in the winter are slowing them down, especially when they go for the fell running option and end up on icy, windy ridges). When they get back we take all the kids to the pub for dinner, but this can be as late as 6pm on a Sunday!

For a while I didn't mind it, the kids get on well and sort of split into groups and entertain each other, but it is hardly stress free. It has got to the point where I somewhat resent it, the other mum I am with doesn't seem to mind as much and I am happy to do it sometimes, maybe once a month and I'd do it every fortnight if i was at home with my kids while DH was out but being in someone else's house with 9 kids makes it very intense.

I'm often tempted to say I can't do it anymore but i'd feel awful leaving the other mum with 7 kids to look after alone and since they started going together as a group DH has seen a massive improvement in both his health and mental health (he used to get quite depressed), so I don't want to stop him doing this and he does take the kids out on other weekends and the other friends do help us with childcare often.

AIBU to resent this? Should I bring it up or keep going since they do us favours and this is DHs only real hobby?

They're not that lovely if they are not considering everyones needs

I agree with this. I'd do it if it meant DH wasn't going to slip into depression. Living with a depressed person is very hard.

It sounds intense. I'd just look after your own kids in your own home. The ones where both parents go out for the run can sort out their own childcare.

In the nicer weather it was great, my kids prefer my brothers house anyway (I mean they have a pretty cool tree house and I have a 7 year old boy who thinks it's the bees knees) and even when they were doing more technical off trail runs they were doing it in good time, now they are taking it slower as there is ice/snow at the top of some of the routes and the kids are playing inside more. I actually enjoyed it at first!

Just say no and look after your own kids only. Why is it even a question?

Is there something you would like to do, any health, fitness, career development goals? Could you make sure your needs are being met too in this way?
It sounds really nice and good for your husband, but I think you need to get creative so you don't feel resentful.

Well they are, they have no idea I don't enjoy it anymore and like I said, my brother and his wife give us 4 hours of childcare every week.

What most parents do is just exercise separately, not dump their kids with a mate.

You don't have to stop him doing this. He can continue to go on these trails but it is up to the other couples to find suitable childcare for their own children

I don't know if I explained well but if DH goes out one weekend, I get the next Sunday to do my thing, he never grumbles about it and even if I decide I want to stay home he will take the kids out so I do get my time.

I would at least cut down on it. 9 kids is asking a lot of someone, do favours they do also include looking after 9 kids? If not then I'd say that's quite different.

You could argue that I have my kids plus my two nieces and my friend has her 3 kids plus 2, we just combine the effort (having my kids and nieces alone is quite dull for my son as the girls do their own thing, where as when we combine my son has other 7 year old boys to play with!).
It's not that the other couples don't do their fair share, they do, I just don't enjoy my part!

Fuck that noise. I wouldn't be happy with this AT ALL. That said, as said so many times on these boards, you have a husband problem. The others are being kind of CFs, but he is really taking the piss.

I live on a popular cycling route and every weekend, hordes of lycra-clad blokes whizz through on some epic trail. I always think that for every free-wheeling lycra-lad there is a woman at home, wild-eyed and stir crazy, wrangling kids, stepping on lego and silently sobbing into the weetabix.

It does sound like you get your share of child free time OP from your DH and your brother and his DW each week as you have said. In this case, I don't think it's a massive cf thing that anyone is doing though it is a lot of kids to look after in one go! But if it's making you feel like you're doing too much then you'll probably need to say something.

I think this changes things really. You can’t really moan about looking after theirs for 4 hours if they look after yours for 4 every week.

I'm not sure DH is the problem, like I've said for every weekend he goes out, I get the same time back (and he is really good at making sure I get that time no matter what).
I feel like people aren't reading what I'm saying and have decided DH is being unfair, when he does his fair share too?

It's not that the other couples don't do their fair share, they do, I just don't enjoy my part!

Presumably you enjoy the part where you get a whole evening of childcare though?

While it must be very hard (and slightly preferable to having to go running) it does sound that it is somewhat reciprocal and you feel the benefit of having a happier healthier DH ect.

I think actually if you read the posts carefully nobody is taking the piss, and the OP recognises this - the Sunday childcare she provides is paid back every Wednesday, and she and her husband get equal child-free times at weekends. I don't think there's any villain here - the OP just isn't enjoying the long Sundays anymore, which is totally valid.

I don't think it would be fair to keep accepting the Wednesday childcare, though, OP, if you were to stop reciprocating on Sundays. Could the runners reduce their Sunday trips by an hour, maybe? Which might make it more bearable.

All six of them don't have to go at once. They can rotate it so groups of four or five of them go and one or two of them stay with the kids while you do what you want. It's not your problem to solve. You've done your bit and deserve a break. What the other mum does it up to her but she needn't be left alone, one of the runners can do their bit each time.

Well if you stop doing it then your SIL may pull the plug on looking after your children every week?
I'd just suck it up, I bet the kids have a blast. I'd rather be with them in a nice house than sat in soft play of an afternoon!

But your DH isn't helping look after 9 kids in someone else's house.

It's not the same as him having his own DC in his own house.

Your quickly disagreeing with everyone that is suggesting you stop, cut down, might be being taken for granted a little bit etc so I think you have your answer. Go ahead and continue.

I'd hate looking after 9 kids and wouldn't have agreed to it in the first place personally.

I was thinking of asking if they could stick to trails while the mountains/hills are snowcapped/icy/boggy as that tends to be quicker. It is that they have been forced into walking/going back on themselves a few times lately due to wind/conditions.