Resenting being left to look after all the kids while they go running

[FoxesFM]

DH and I have 3 couple friends (well my brother/his DW, her brother/his DW and another couple). We all live pretty close to each other, have kids of similar ages and get along well. Of the group, 6 of them are keen fell/trail runners, DH is one of them, I am not and actually hate it. Since mid-last year it's become a bit of thing where the 6 who like running go out on a Sunday afternoon 1/2 times a month and myself and the other friend who doesn't like running stay back with all the kids. There are 9 kids total (7, 7, 7, 5, 5, 5, 4, 3, 3), my brother has a massive house with a large playroom and a sunroom which the kids can run around in, plus massive gardens with tennis court/tree house etc, so we all gather here, even though both brother and his wife go running. Me and my friend are then left with all the kids for anything between 3 and 6 hours (counting for driving to start point, run time and drive back, plus conditions in the winter are slowing them down, especially when they go for the fell running option and end up on icy, windy ridges). When they get back we take all the kids to the pub for dinner, but this can be as late as 6pm on a Sunday!

For a while I didn't mind it, the kids get on well and sort of split into groups and entertain each other, but it is hardly stress free. It has got to the point where I somewhat resent it, the other mum I am with doesn't seem to mind as much and I am happy to do it sometimes, maybe once a month and I'd do it every fortnight if i was at home with my kids while DH was out but being in someone else's house with 9 kids makes it very intense.

I'm often tempted to say I can't do it anymore but i'd feel awful leaving the other mum with 7 kids to look after alone and since they started going together as a group DH has seen a massive improvement in both his health and mental health (he used to get quite depressed), so I don't want to stop him doing this and he does take the kids out on other weekends and the other friends do help us with childcare often.

AIBU to resent this? Should I bring it up or keep going since they do us favours and this is DHs only real hobby?

It's tricky, but having read your updates it sounds like as a group you all do a lot of childcare and appreciating the favours (you said the other couple often pays for dinner) plus you get time to go out yourself on the non running weekends?

Plus, the 4 hours of childcare each week from your SIL.

What would your ideal scenario be?

With the update about the brother and SIL providing childcare for you I would be tempted to explain that you are finding it too much in the winter for these extended periods with the kids indoors and cut it down to once a month with the view to going back to twice a month when the weather is better.

The kids probably really enjoy it and will look back on it in the future as a fun time.

Having read your updates, I get that it's not so much that it's unfair as that you just don't enjoy it

I wonder in that case whether the answer is to be clear with the runners that you want them to make it 3-4 hours not dragging on to 6. I am sure there are options to shorten the route etc

Actually, I think when you look at the bigger picture, you're only doing your fair share, and assuming you want to keep availing yourself of the 4 hours a week childcare you get from your ILs and the every other weekend to yourself that you get from your DH, you just need to suck it up. It's your reciprocation of what others are doing for you.

Perhaps a bit more effort into planning might make it more fun? 9 kids running around seems like it could be chaos, but some specific activities might make it easier and break the day up a bit.

I'm disagreeing with people who think I'm being taken advantage of as I don't think I am, my friends/dh are lovely and pay for dinner/give us weekly childcare/have our kids for the weekend so we can go away/give me the same childfree time back.
The issue isn't I'm being taken advantage of, it's that I don't enjoy it!

It’s one or two afternoons a month and your brother babysits your kids every single week so I’d suck it up to be honest as your life sounds pretty great overall and you don’t think these people are being CFs. Tell your DH how you feel so you can try and keep it to once a month but with all your updates I don’t think it sounds so bad

You’d have got better responses if you’d included those details in your OP to be honest

In that case, would you like ideas on how to make the experience more enjoyable? Or are you in need of space to vent?

Book something for yourself and aay you cant do it. Do that a few times and see what happens. My OH plays golf and it pisses me off taking up the whole saturday. I would no way add his golf pals kids to my weekend afternoon so he could do it.

OP you sound like you have a great life tbh - I’d love it if I had a brother with a tree house and tennis courts round the corner providing free childcare for my same-aged kids weekly!

Do you think you would feel better about it if there was another adult with you? It seems like a lot of kids and I think you’d be within your rights to say one of the runners should stay each time to either help out or so that the non-runners can also take turns having alone time.

For me, three hours would be OK, but six is really taking the mickey. Can you compromise on the runs being no more than 3-4 hours, max? Surely 4 hours is enough to get lots of exercise in? If they want to go up to 6 hours, the ones who like to run should just meet up when the kids aren't also all together.

Hopefully the weather will start to improve soon & the kids will be outside more. It sounds like everyone is trying to be fair. You probably need to just suck it up, or try to find ways to make it more enjoyable again.

my friends/dh are lovely and pay for dinner/give us weekly childcare/have our kids for the weekend so we can go away/give me the same childfree time back.
The issue isn't I'm being taken advantage of, it's that I don't enjoy it!

Then the answer is simple, don’t take if you don’t want to give back in return.
I’m sure they don’t love having your kids every Wednesday or for you to go on weekends away either.

You have 3 kids though. They don't have 9 kids running around for hours.

It's completely different.

That is the other tricky part, the kids absolutely love it, DS loves playing in the treehouse with the other boys and the kids sort of split into 4 groups who get on really well (3 7 year old boys, 2 5 year old girls, 4 and 5 year old boy and the 2 3 year old girls). The other mum I usually do it with tends to plan an activity, like baking or crafts which they all love too and my brother is always very much "don't worry if the house is a mess, we will get it".
I just find the sound of 9 kids running around brings on a head ache and I end up clock watching for it all to be over!

It's hard to know what people can suggest over and above the suggestions you've disagreed with 🤷🏼‍♀️

Yanbu to not enjoy it. What makes it so stressful?

It sounds like the kids pretty much entertain themselves. Is it that you're in someone else's home for so long and can't relax?

Why not dip out of the roast after?

It would be my worse nightmare but each to their own!

As much as I would hate this, I don’t think you can really complain OP. You seem to have got into a routine where you all do a lot of looking after of each other’s kids , so unless you’re prepared to give that up, you have to carry on as you are. You’ve got to take the rough with the smooth!

Why does him running depend on you? Send him on his way and stay home.

Fuck that shit.

I'd just be clear that you're finding it a bit much, and if it could be limited to once a month, or shorter runs, or whatever compromise you're suggesting and happy with, it sounds like they'd take it on board.

Can you hire a local teen to help the other mother for some or all of the time and you go off and do your own thing?

(split the cost of the teen among everyone, or pay it yourself, whatever you think is fairer)

This is how I feel too, I don't think they intend for it to be 6 hours, but they get slowed down a lot by weather, I do wish they would stick to trails while it's bad outside, maybe that is what I will suggest.

also in another month or so it will be spring so sounds like that will be easier on you