Resenting being left to look after all the kids while they go running

[FoxesFM]

DH and I have 3 couple friends (well my brother/his DW, her brother/his DW and another couple). We all live pretty close to each other, have kids of similar ages and get along well. Of the group, 6 of them are keen fell/trail runners, DH is one of them, I am not and actually hate it. Since mid-last year it's become a bit of thing where the 6 who like running go out on a Sunday afternoon 1/2 times a month and myself and the other friend who doesn't like running stay back with all the kids. There are 9 kids total (7, 7, 7, 5, 5, 5, 4, 3, 3), my brother has a massive house with a large playroom and a sunroom which the kids can run around in, plus massive gardens with tennis court/tree house etc, so we all gather here, even though both brother and his wife go running. Me and my friend are then left with all the kids for anything between 3 and 6 hours (counting for driving to start point, run time and drive back, plus conditions in the winter are slowing them down, especially when they go for the fell running option and end up on icy, windy ridges). When they get back we take all the kids to the pub for dinner, but this can be as late as 6pm on a Sunday!

For a while I didn't mind it, the kids get on well and sort of split into groups and entertain each other, but it is hardly stress free. It has got to the point where I somewhat resent it, the other mum I am with doesn't seem to mind as much and I am happy to do it sometimes, maybe once a month and I'd do it every fortnight if i was at home with my kids while DH was out but being in someone else's house with 9 kids makes it very intense.

I'm often tempted to say I can't do it anymore but i'd feel awful leaving the other mum with 7 kids to look after alone and since they started going together as a group DH has seen a massive improvement in both his health and mental health (he used to get quite depressed), so I don't want to stop him doing this and he does take the kids out on other weekends and the other friends do help us with childcare often.

AIBU to resent this? Should I bring it up or keep going since they do us favours and this is DHs only real hobby?

Oh also I highly recommend thinking of things you can do that involve you sitting still and resting while keeping them busy eg:

• Simon says.
• Challenge games eg bet you can't do twenty jumping jacks, who can do run on the spot the longest.
• being a customer at the hairdresser's or a patient at the doctor's, or a customer in a cafe.

If this were me, I would probably break it down a bit more to see if it still felt fair and how to remediate it so that it truly is fair to you. Only you and one other mother are ever watching 9 children at one time. 6 out of the 8 adults in this arrangement are not EVER watching 9 children for 6 hours at a time. Watching children is not really a linear thing. As you point out, it can become very chaotic and there is a risk of someone becoming injured that isn't really present when, for example, your husband is watching just his own kids, in his own home, doing their normal Sunday routine, even if that includes going out to a playground or whatever. Time watching groups of children also gets more hair-raising the longer those sessions go. I have found my limit for groups of children is about 3 hours. After that, they start fighting, they want to do more and more risky things, everyone is hungry and grumpy. 6 hours sounds like torture.

I would also point out? Your husband also benefits from the arrangement where you get Wednesday afternoons "off" to go out to dinner with him. So, he gets 6 hours on a Sunday to go running AND gets Wednesday afternoon and evening off to go to dinner. Your contribution is that on alternate Sundays you watch NINE CHILDREN. His contribution is that on alternate Sundays he.... watches his own children. If you add up what "free childcare" everyone gives/gets, it may not be balancing out quite as well as you think.

Tbh from wbat you have added about free childcare, dinners etc then I would probably be ok with it. What else are you going to do on the sunday? You have 3 kids and taking them all to do an activity is expensive and also involves loads of other kids running about. Entertaining them at home is also a headache. I think you have to look practically, what are your other options and tbh this sounds like the best one.

It is the OP, other mum/SIL doing the childcare here for other children. DH only looks after his own.

Why can't two of the men look after the 9 children?

It is nearly always dumped on women.

The set up sounds like everyone has a fair share of sitting and free time.

I expect (well for me it would be the issue!) that after the childcare etc it's the going to the pub.

Maybe suggest that you cut down the meals out to once a month.

Tell them 3 hours max in winter, or once a month. Lay down that ground rule.
six hours is just way too long.

Well all the men seem to be getting quite a good deal

It seems like something that started as a one off has become a very regular occurrance and you are feeling taken for granted. You need to talk to them all and say you are getting a bit fed with the arrangement as you are feeling used as free childcare. Ask them what they think they could do for you to compensate for the opportunities you give them. In my opinion, a day's running more than once a month is excessive. Also the two couples where both adults go running should be offering to take all the children once a month too, so you guys get to do something together, be that during the day or overnight (so you can get a night out or away.

Whilst still continuing to accept 4 hours childcare every single week from her SIL(including her dealing with the school run and rushing around on tight timescales from school to school)? Looking after her DB and SIL's children for 6 hours twice a month in return doesn't seem an unreasonable deal.

No way would I do this every Sunday!

Does she?

I'd say she gives just as much, if not more considering the number of children and the amount of time she has them for.

Agree with @mugglewump .

Also I wouldn't be convinced that the runs will get shorter when the weather is better, they will have the bug for discovering new further away routes and making a full afternoon of it.

Going for a run is fine. Reciprocal childcare is fine. Slapping the arse out of it by extending the time away until it's many hours is veering into cheeky fecker territory.

Plus don't all these DCs have school on Monday, Sunday evening is to calm them down after many hours playing with their chums, not going out for a meal.

Neither does OP. It’s 1-2 times per month.

Absolutely this.

I think things between the OP and the SIL seem fair enough - I am less convinced by the other two couples who seem to be broadly freeloading

It's nice that they pay for dinner but I imagine the OP would probably rather not do the babysitting and cook her own dinner

Propose a "tax" (substantial contribution) on the 6 for their time off & use it to pay for children's entertainers, nanny, trips out, to take the load off you. The main benefit being that the 6 will appreciate that they are imposing on you.

You see, some mums like their kids and spending time with them is a privilege -not all of us think 'I am a martyr' for spending time with them.

Yes because it is the women who are tying themselves up in knots and doing the favours to make it all work.

Even most of the suggestions here do not involve the men getting together to do the childcare.

Maybe what they do for her to compensate is the 4 hours of free childcare that SIL offers her children weekly, including doing the school run and rushing around under pressure at peak hours from school to school. Have you not read the thread? OP is more than compensated. She has a day every other weekend free courtesy of her DH returning the favour, plus 4 hours every.single.week. from her SIL. And the other couple buy her whole family dinner every week. How much more compensation does she need?

Thing is I think OP actually knows this. She's taking quite a reasonable, measured view. It's everyone else frothing with misplaced indignation on her behalf.

Genuinely, I'd be looking at planned activities to keep everything running smoothly. Maybe an indoor disco? Or an indoor "exercise class" in the winter to burn of a bit of energy would be good. A story time. A film with popcorn. Some craft activities. Indoor family olympics etc.

Why does it only apply to mums?

I think it quite a lot to ask of 3yo, to stay with two adults who dont know them that well and a bunch of noisy older kids in a strangers home. I wouldnt expect them to play on their own.

Would it make it easier and more enjoyable if the little ones werent there?

From what you’ve written, it sounds like your family & your fellow babysitter’s are doing a fair share (6-12 hours/ month) your SIL / Bro are doing a larger share (16 hours a month plus use of house/garden/ food/ tidying afterwards , and half of dinners out) while one family is only providing half of the dinners out. Unless they do loads for the other family

I think it would be reasonable to (at the very least) ask them to stick to trail runs one time in two, or two times in three when the weather is bad. So it's not preventing them from doing it entirely, but it is recognising the amount of effort involved in looking after that many children.

I reckon some ideas for keeping the kids entertained might also be a good idea. I wonder if the parents who don't do any of the childcare might be prepared to do some of the thinking/prep for that?

Her sister in law has her children for 4 hours each week AND her husband has their children by himself all day every other week. That's A LOT of free time.

And in return...

she has her sister in law's children(and her own) for 6 hours twice a month.

(The other parent has her own children plus the fourth couples children really - there might be 9 children there, but OP isn't looking after them solo).

So SIL and brother, both go and then another couple both go and then there is the mum who does it with me and her husband also goes.

The other mum has a similar deal with the other couple (picks her boys up from school twice a week, takes them to clubs etc.), and we have the deal with SIL and brother, so I think for both couples it evens out (I have my kids, plus nieces while they go running, brother and SIL have my kids and their kids every Wednesday. Other mum has her kids plus the other couples kids while they go running, then the other couple get her kids twice a week), me and the other mum just team up for our part.