Resenting being left to look after all the kids while they go running

[FoxesFM]

DH and I have 3 couple friends (well my brother/his DW, her brother/his DW and another couple). We all live pretty close to each other, have kids of similar ages and get along well. Of the group, 6 of them are keen fell/trail runners, DH is one of them, I am not and actually hate it. Since mid-last year it's become a bit of thing where the 6 who like running go out on a Sunday afternoon 1/2 times a month and myself and the other friend who doesn't like running stay back with all the kids. There are 9 kids total (7, 7, 7, 5, 5, 5, 4, 3, 3), my brother has a massive house with a large playroom and a sunroom which the kids can run around in, plus massive gardens with tennis court/tree house etc, so we all gather here, even though both brother and his wife go running. Me and my friend are then left with all the kids for anything between 3 and 6 hours (counting for driving to start point, run time and drive back, plus conditions in the winter are slowing them down, especially when they go for the fell running option and end up on icy, windy ridges). When they get back we take all the kids to the pub for dinner, but this can be as late as 6pm on a Sunday!

For a while I didn't mind it, the kids get on well and sort of split into groups and entertain each other, but it is hardly stress free. It has got to the point where I somewhat resent it, the other mum I am with doesn't seem to mind as much and I am happy to do it sometimes, maybe once a month and I'd do it every fortnight if i was at home with my kids while DH was out but being in someone else's house with 9 kids makes it very intense.

I'm often tempted to say I can't do it anymore but i'd feel awful leaving the other mum with 7 kids to look after alone and since they started going together as a group DH has seen a massive improvement in both his health and mental health (he used to get quite depressed), so I don't want to stop him doing this and he does take the kids out on other weekends and the other friends do help us with childcare often.

AIBU to resent this? Should I bring it up or keep going since they do us favours and this is DHs only real hobby?

It actually sounds nice. I think you’ve got a fair deal with your brother/ his wife having them through the week and the other couple paying for your meal. You don’t need to clean your own house afterwards and the kids love it/ keep themselves entertained.

It will be summer soon and they will be finishing the run quicker and the kids will be able to play outside. Next winter maybe suggest all meeting up once a month and if they want to go other times organise separate childcare (you stay home with your kids, others go to grandparents etc).

i’m all for mucking in and watching the dc if they all get on and essentially entertain each other, but I’d be climbing the walls stuck in someone else’s house for up to six hours on a regular basis.

I don’t think you’re unreasonable in the slightest to point this out to your DH (and DB) and tell them to keep to a time limit.

Maybe if you also planned an activity, like the other Mum does, that would help? And give them all another focus after having some free play time.

Sounds like everyone in thr group is pulling their weight in different ways and at different times.

Especially with your SIL giving you 4 hours of childcare weekly. Is there is a chance she will pull back on that if you pull back on your side?

One of the 3 year olds is the other mum who is with me, the other is my niece (and I feel I owe SIL a little as she does get my kids on a Wednesday and frankly just the stress of picking up my 2 at 2.55, then having to do a 25 minute drive and get to her kids for 3.30, I know she finds that 40 minute window quite chaotic (especially as my youngest is prone to dilly dallying his way out of school!).
I think I just needed to get it off my chest!

It sounds incredibly good for your DH's physical and mental health, so I would think it is worth the nuisance of this massive baby sitting session.

It sounds incredibly bad for OPs mental and physical health.

The others are adults, they can arrange their own childcare. Husband can still go out for a walk.

Offer one Sunday a month. Look after own kids the other 3. If dh wants to run the other 3w

let then sort out childcare as 2 couples get childcare all the time while they run

they need to hire a nanny /gp/ get rid of their kids to friends

Yanbu but as you further explained it it seems like it’s really a good deal for all so tbh I would suck it up. The good weather will soon be back.

What would happen if there was an accident and one child needed to be taken to hospital?

Is part of not liking the arrangement being taken for granted/not having a chance to have a say/say no?

I don't think she would as she is genuinely lovely and loves my kids but I would feel awful as I know it is quite intense for her. In the summer it will be much nicer as we will get out on the tennis court with the kids/ I'll be less stressed about them climbing trees and they can run free a bit more.

Maybe everyone could pay for an extra pair of hands to help out for the afternoon.

Another option would be just to say that you are finding it hard and one extra adult needs to stay back each time to help - if they took it in turns, they wouldn't miss out that much

We have actually had this (one of the boys was climbing a tree, fell, cut his head and needed stitches). They take a satellite phone with them so we messaged them and the turned back immediately, the other mum took the boy to the hospital/his parents met them there and my parents came round to help me with the kids.

Your set up sounds incredible.
But everything has is flip side and nothing is completely perfect.
So have a vent, then remember everyone is asking into the pot and you all take the strain and benefit in turn.

I'd give my eye teeth for your arrangements, think I get about 4 hours twice a year me time.
🤣

I can see why this situation is quite intense though, so I get where you're coming from.
If it was a one way street I'd advocate dialling it down or bowing out... But it seems a fair deal from what you've said.
So yeah, vent and look forward to summer. 😁

Perhaps you could tell the group you're getting a bit stressed out looking after nine children for six hours but you love the reciprocal arrangements and could manage four hours on the Sundays. Ask them how they would feel about that, sticking to established tracks in wintry / muddy conditions.

I'd chat with the other mum before saying anything though, see how she feels about it as a united front will give more of a chance of success with your request.

Those kids are going to have the most incredible memories of their childhood being part of the tribe in that amazing place. 😍 Think I'd like to be one of those kids. 😁

Edited to add- not that that's what you're asking. But, wow.

Parents aren't allowed to have hobbies for 18+ years? That's just ridiculous.

It sounds tough in winter but will probably be nice again when the weather gets better in spring and summer. As someone else said these are probably lovely forever memory days for your kids. And they will remember them with you as main character.

i don’t think yabu to ask them to try to choose a shorter route in cold months, as Sunday’s need some downtime for headspace for the week ahead. I’d mention it to my husband not the rest and see how he reacts. It sounds like everyone is really nice and reasonable so it might not be a big deal to get what you want and have it a bit shorter in winter when the kids are cooped up inside.

I’m sure the weekly Saturday she gets off and the weekly Wednesday afternoon when her SIL looks after OPs kids makes up for it.

I understand you don't enjoy it and it's really up to you if on balance you don't want to do it. You can say that and not feel guilty.
On the other hand it seems like you have a good group of friends / family and you are not being taken for granted.
You have a choice. In your shoes I'd probably carry on but really that's something only you can decide: how much you dislike it versus how much you like the group and want your husband to have this hobby.

It sounds like you do all help each other out and appreciate each other which is actually quite lovely! For you adults and for your children. It's a rare and positive set up you all have. One I'd chew my arm off for!

But that doesn't mean you're unreasonable to say you don't particularly enjoy it, and to want to have a little vent about it.

I'd stick to thinking up ways to reframe how you feel about it as best you can, as well as try and think of ways to make it less of a headache when you're doing it.

Some ideas off the top of my head....

Even if it's freezing and not the best weather encourage a half hour outside (getting them as tired out as possible) followed by a chill session with hot chocs and a cartoon/film.

Wear earplugs. You'll still hear them, just at a lower volume.

Set up some quiet play areas eg a puzzle on a coffee table, pencils and paper on a floor mat or table, chalks outside on the paving, bubbles in the garden, paper and prittsticks, etc. things they can do that don't need heavy adult involvement or means they're tearing around being loud.

Take a book or magazine, it's okay to say you are having a sit down for ten minutes, same as you'd do with your own kids at home.

I think asking they stick to slightly shorter time windows is fine. Heading out to the pub at 6pm with a load of preschool and primary school kids on a winter's school night isn't ideal for anyone. I'd not even frame it as being about you, that's just not ideal for anyone involved, especially the younger ones.

Like you say we will soon have milder weather and lighter nights, and I do think you have a really nice "village" set up here in general for the kids and grown ups. 🙂

Well honestly if you are getting time alone for your leisure which is equivalent to DH time then I'm not sure what the problem is? Would you prefer to just mind your own kids whilst DH goes out? Could you suggest that sometimes you just stay at home with the kids?

@FoxesFM I would def resent this. Absolutely no thought about you and the other mum at all.

I think you and the other mum should go do something good for your mental health and wellbeing too amd all kids go elsewhere.

It sounds like you have a nice friendship group and it does sound like they give back for what they get. I'm also glad to read you get a weekend day to yourself too so your DH isn't taking the piss.
Is there anything you could bring with you to help with entertaining the kids?
And when you all go the pub for lunch, do you and the other woman who does the childcare during the runs get to kick back and relax a bit while the others do the legwork of minding the kids at the pub?

The thing is, that on balance OP already gives less than she receives. So it's not really OK to start trying to reduce further what she does.

Honestly, I think the issue is that she's not planning an activity to keep them entertained, as the other Mum is. Of course it will be chaos and loud if you have 9 kids running around without any kind of direction in the house in winter. I'd be geting the kids involved in pizza making or crafts or some games or something. Time will go by much more quickly if you and they are occupied. The other option is to divide the kids up so that one mum has 4 and one has 5 who they looking after which might make it easier to keep on top of them all.