Resenting being left to look after all the kids while they go running

[FoxesFM]

DH and I have 3 couple friends (well my brother/his DW, her brother/his DW and another couple). We all live pretty close to each other, have kids of similar ages and get along well. Of the group, 6 of them are keen fell/trail runners, DH is one of them, I am not and actually hate it. Since mid-last year it's become a bit of thing where the 6 who like running go out on a Sunday afternoon 1/2 times a month and myself and the other friend who doesn't like running stay back with all the kids. There are 9 kids total (7, 7, 7, 5, 5, 5, 4, 3, 3), my brother has a massive house with a large playroom and a sunroom which the kids can run around in, plus massive gardens with tennis court/tree house etc, so we all gather here, even though both brother and his wife go running. Me and my friend are then left with all the kids for anything between 3 and 6 hours (counting for driving to start point, run time and drive back, plus conditions in the winter are slowing them down, especially when they go for the fell running option and end up on icy, windy ridges). When they get back we take all the kids to the pub for dinner, but this can be as late as 6pm on a Sunday!

For a while I didn't mind it, the kids get on well and sort of split into groups and entertain each other, but it is hardly stress free. It has got to the point where I somewhat resent it, the other mum I am with doesn't seem to mind as much and I am happy to do it sometimes, maybe once a month and I'd do it every fortnight if i was at home with my kids while DH was out but being in someone else's house with 9 kids makes it very intense.

I'm often tempted to say I can't do it anymore but i'd feel awful leaving the other mum with 7 kids to look after alone and since they started going together as a group DH has seen a massive improvement in both his health and mental health (he used to get quite depressed), so I don't want to stop him doing this and he does take the kids out on other weekends and the other friends do help us with childcare often.

AIBU to resent this? Should I bring it up or keep going since they do us favours and this is DHs only real hobby?

I'm not surprised you don't enjoy it, OP.

It's a forced childcare job and you don't look forward to your shift - I don't blame you!

It does sound like everyone shares with acknowledgment/reciprocation though.

No harm in saying 'can you stick to 4 hours in total' during the winter, it's too much when the kids are cooped up'.

Well what do you want then? You could stop taking everyone else’s generosity and stop giving yours in return but that won’t make you happier either as youl loose some of your freedom. So what do you want out of this thread?

Happily take idea's to make it more enjoyable, but I do think I just needed a vent!

I would find watching that many children far too stressful. I just wouldn’t be able to do it at all. That is just my personality, but I wouldn’t have don’t this once, let alone twice a month in perpetuity.

I don’t think I’d enjoy looking after all those kids either tbh - the 3, 4, and 5 year olds must need a lot of attention. At least the older ones are more independent.

You’ve got it good in terms of reciprocal care, but I do think you could ask them to shorten their trips. Maybe ask them to stick to 3-4 hours, and aim to be sitting down to eat in the pub by 5pm. It won’t make you enjoy the day, but at least it’ll shorten the pain!

Of course you are right to resent this behaviour. Everything is back to front in this weather. People don't seem to realise that they can't behave like single people when they marry and have children - this idiotic running is one such example. For normal people priorities and activities should change - after all, your children are with you only for a short time, you can do all the running and fishing and gym training when they go to university. I have two examples in front of my eyes, one was all for fitting her children around her hobbies (her husband is like that too) and the other was prioritising her children (unfortunately her husband prioritised his hobbies, but she persevered). I can't tell you the vastness of the difference in their children outcomes.

I'm not sure I would be pleased about them being gone 6 hours...maybe two at most?

Op I get it nice I do think it’s a good trade off regarding the other things you are getting. Maybe ask the other parents to pack lunches and snacks for the kids and maybe rope in an older teen cousin to twice a helping hand for a couple hours

offer to host in your house?

OP has her fair share of freedom too

I think it is because as much as they do entertain each other I can get quite anxious and it feels chaotic, someone always ends up crying with a scrapped knee or similar and the two youngest girls (who aren't even mine) can get quite clingy and want someone to play with them all the time.

I'd hate looking after 9 kids and wouldn't have agreed to it in the first place personally.

Me too. Sundays given over to akin to working in a creche/after school club.

A day to decompress from the week past and mentally prepare for the one coming.

OP, it sounds like a good relationship overall and there are no villains here. But 6 hours is a long time with that many kids, especially indoors.

I’d just speak up and say that during the winter the blocks of time are too much. Ask that they limit the duration and target 3-4 hour runs, making the 6hr ones a once every other month or similar sort of thing. The other option would be to ask the runners to split a teen sitter to come do a few activities with the kids for 2-3 hours to make things a little easier. And give yourself a pass on the pub outing after if you want - the runners can take out the overtired kids and DH can bring you home dinner.

It sounds like you probably just need a little bit of tweaking, not to overturn the whole apple cart.

I understand, my jibe was directed at her husband - why does he think he can steal this time from his children - he needs to invest his time in them, not in the muscle mass (for now). I am with her!!!!

With all the updates, sounds like everyone is being fair, you get time back, the kids enjoy it, it's good for the family. All of which you understand.

It's just too long. Have a chat about sticking to 4 hours, that's fair.

@Hwi yes but on the other weekends OP leaves the kids with their Dad and goes out with friends and to the gym, so he gets plenty of time with his kids.

Having a couple of hours in a week to do something for yourself is not detrimental to your children for godsake. It’s not at all better to be a mummy martyr and think you need to devote 100% of yourself and your time to your children for their entire childhood.
Having a hobby isn’t “stealing” from your children.
What an absolutely mental outlook on life.

I mean, yeah, if you had all Sunday afternoon to just do your hobby without having to supervise a bunch of kids (Brian, do not put gum in your sister's hair! Brian! Brian! Bobby, do not push your brother! Brian! I told you not to put gum in her hair!) then OF COURSE your mental health would improve. Zero surprise there. The question is, is YOUR mental health getting worse, and is that a fair trade-off?

@FoxesFM I feel that each COUPLE should take a turn. bloody ridiculous that is it always the same two mums doing it!! what about their mental health?? Has anyone noticed that the MEN do not have to experience the ordeal of looking after 9 kids at the same time??????

I'd do this maybe once a quarter, so long as others pulling their weight. This is too much for me or me plus one friend. Is there are group chat for these running days? I'd put a message on, after speaking to DH first to say I'm out. This is a HUGE commitment and expectation. They will of course dress it up as, well you have your own two.... here's 7 more. The two families who are not chipping in with childcare have a huge debt/pay back to you and the other mum. It's taking advantage. Bet they don't offer to have 9 kids on the Sundays the fell running isn't on.... or any other day. I'm sure once raised with your DH he will see your view and agree to adapt the plan. He can find a group, run alone, run less. There's lots that would do wonders for my health but not at the expense of someone else's time. Oh back to the group chat posts - hi all, just organised after another long day away for the fell run. I'm reclaiming my Sundays for a while... the next date I can offer for chipping in to look after 9 kids is 7 April.... I will do a date in July too if still needed. P.s. Anne/bob jamie/kim let me know what Saturdays suits you to have my two - looking forward to having some me time after giving up all these Sundays for the running meets.

I think it's absolutely fair enough to suggest they keep it to 3-4 hrs max, and zero way would I be heading out for dinner on Sunday at 6.30pm with school bags, lunches and uniforms to prep.

If you don't feel up to saying it directly if they are away for a long time, then say to DH that you don't feel up to going out for a meal as you are a bit tired, but he can go and bring the DCs if he wants to.

It sounds like they have got a bit blasé about the timings and it's worth nipping this in the bud - fair enough to go out for a couple of hours but effectively turning into most of the day is not on.

It sounds like the issue is having to look after the three year olds, perhaps the parents of the youngest ones could split the cost of a teenager/ nursery worker looking to earn extra cash coming round to keep an eye on them for three hours?

When my kids were that age, I considered even an hour of someone watching them a huge favour.

I'd be saying to the group that you and the other mum go for a spa day or whatever it is you are both in to on weeks alternate to the runs. You may not resent it so much if it felt equal and may go back to enjoying the time they go for a run. It actually sounds like the kind if weekend I would love but I could imagine getting a bit fed up with it if it felt like the favour wasn't returned.

Apparently DH does plenty of solo childcare At other times and the couple who both go running buy drinks and dinner.

I think you and the other mum only take your own kids and at times just stay at home/do something with just your kids. It would be bloody exhausting to have everyone else's kids all day. Your dh should absolutely support you in this as well. The other couples can work out childcare, take turns staying home, whatever. Find a way to repay the childcare that suits you both.

It's not for you to sort.

If your dh complains so and so can't go, or x can't go if x's wife has to look after the kids tell him not your problem to solve. I see no reason why you still can't meet up for dinner, unless some of the group are going to get their pants in a knot that you've ruined their running days. In that case bin them.