Valentine's Day drama

[wandapower]

Yesterday was our one year anniversary and Valentine's Day obvs. With my ex, he never used to make an effort over these things and it would really upset me and ruin all occasions. Birthdays, valentines, Christmas- I would come with thought out gifts and he would take them but give nothing back until I got upset then he'd buy something and apologise, state how much he loves me etc.

My DP knows this and know how important celebrating occasions and gift giving it - I don't need anything extravagant even just a card/flowers etc just something that shows effort.

I had my child until the early evening so came over to his house later in the evening. Our original plan was to go to cinema on the day like we did last year but I've just been laid off from my job so felt a bit down so suggested we do this on Saturday instead. I brought a small gift and card for him, nothing big. He took it but didn't read the card and didn't have anything for me. Cinema was booked up and it's a 3 hr film and it would have been a late screening so decided to just see it the next day. We went for a walk instead and got a takeaway. On the way back I started to feel a bit down that he hadn't got me anything. I thought maybe he had hid it and would give me a card or something but we got back to his, watched some of a series we were watching. He asked me to take the plates we used to the kitchen but I said no, he should as he's closer and I was in bed warm. After one episode I started scrolling on instagram and obviously saw loads of posts celebrating valentines so don't make it obvious but felt a bit down that again I've ended up with a guy who doesn't care to make me feel special or appreciated. He turned off the tv and seemed as if he was going to sleep. I felt really shitty and couldn't sleep so turned on my laptop and started doing work but was over thinking and at this point got upset and silently crying and rethinking our whole relationship as like I said, history was repeating. He woke up and promoted me to go to the kitchen again. By this time it was 1am. Anyway, turns out he had bought a huge teddy, with wine and chocolates but wanted to make me feel like he had done nothing so it would be a surprise. I was so upset by this point and felt stupid so was still crying and couldn't get happy over the fact he had actually done something for valentiens. He has bipolar and was upset that I was upset so he slept in the other room but said he loved me but he felt stupid and sad for upsetting me. I explained it's like he wanted to play with my emotions and I told him what my ex was like and how upsetting it was so don't get why he wanted to do it to me. He apologised again and said he knows he was silly for doing that but thought it would be a surprise. I slept alone in his bed wishing I was home and just feeling so shitty. It was too late for me to drive home by this point and if I had he would have felt bad too so I stayed but couldn't sleep and just felt so alone and upset. He came back in the room in the morning, loving and apologetic but I feel so emotional today. I'm going home soon as I can't stop crying. I'm knackered and feel drained.

I don't know why I'm posting here but I guess am I overreacting? I know he loves me but he did something similar at Christmas where he pretending he didn't get me anything until the end of the day where by then I had the same feelings as I do now. Surely he would have learnt that I don't find that funny. Just be normal and give the gift when you get yours. I feel like I'm acting like a child but it's bringing up bad feelings from my last relationship.

Just to add, he had put the gift in the kitchen so I would have seen it when I went in there but I didn't in there.

It was 1am by the time he revealed the gifts and only because you woke him up accidentally? This is so weird.

He tried to make an effort and surprise you. Not good enough if he doesnt do it exactly the way you want it. He can't win can he.

I don't think this is the man for you, certainly not when you have a child. Poor (cruel) decision making on top of a psychiatric diagnosis = no.

So it's not the first time he's done this?

I mean it's a huge overreaction on your part for sure (the drama, the tears - sounds hideous!) but for him to do it again after upsetting you in the same way at Christmas just feels..... manipulative and unnecessarily mean.

At best you aren't well suited and at worst you are destined for another shit relationship.

Oh god, I blame movies. Why people think in order for a surprise to be better the recipient needs to be disappointed first?

I think you both need to communicate better. You didn’t find it cute or a lovely surprise when he pretended not to have gotten you anything for Christmas - so tell him so directly. He was trying to do a nice thing and it fell flat - and he should be able to acknowledge that.

But I think if he’s constantly expected to compensate for how your ex treated you and modify his own behaviour and preferences because they remind you of your ex, this relationship is going to make both of you frustrated and miserable. Your ex is your ex. You need to leave him in the past, and accept people for who they are, not who they are relative to your ex. Nobody is responsible for putting right another person’s wrongs.

Too much drama, game playing, and an unrelated male with a mood disorder around your child- bad idea all round.

Yes after 1am. He did make an effort and got me something but I don't get his thinking behind making me feel like he didn't. I really worked myself up over the hours for nothing. I feel ungrateful and stupid but also confused as to why he thought it would be smart to pretend he didn't do anything.

I think you need to take time out from any relationship and process what happened with your ex before you start seeing someone. What he did was silly and thoughtless but your reaction was over the top - it’s not fair to bring baggage from your last relationship into this one, apart from anything else you’ll be looking for similarities and faults which is no way to live.

Why did you just sit in silence crying until 1am instead of saying something to him? I agree he's been a bit of a prat but conversation would have solved this long before you dramatically cried over your laptop into the night like a teenager and ended the day both sulking in separate rooms.

Communicating like grown ups would literally solve 90% of the relationship troubles people post about on this website.

It's not just my most recent ex that didn't make an effort. My first ever boyfriend was the same I said after him never again would I be in a relationship with a guy who couldn't make an effort for the small things. I ended it with my most recent ex because he couldn't be bothered to make an effort but also because he was stingy and a bit of a man child.

I do love my current partner but the bipolar is an issue but when he's not having an episode he is the most amazing partner and I know he loves me. He isn't around my child often and if he feels his mood is changing he will just go home so my son has never been around his moods.

I think you're reaction was ott but I think his mind playing was far worse! Who pretends there is no present until 1am? He is obviously taking the piss and cruelly playing on your insecurities. Awful! Get rid.

Your

You don't need a load of tat for for Valentine's Day to prove your worth.

If you can't be arsed clearing up after dinner in his house because you want to get in bed, then you do some work on your laptop randomly in the middle of the night, while waking him up crying for attention, you're really quite entitled and will stop people bothering to do nice things for you.

His approach was a bit weird and clumsy, but ultimately he had made the effort. Your reaction is a bit much too tbh, and I really don't think it's healthy or fair to him to constantly be referring to your ex.

All is well in the end, so hopefully you can both put this being you and enjoy the movie?

How did you react when he did something similar at Christmas? If you laughed, seemed fine etc he may have thought you found it funny (though I don’t know why anyone would) and so he’s done it again. If you made it clear at Christmas you didn’t like it and he’s done it again then I’d end the relationship as he clearly doesn’t listen to you.
If you acted fine with it at Christmas then I think you need to have a proper conversation and state that you don’t like it and don’t find it funny.

I don’t think that’s fair to the Op. If you had a surprise for someone set up in another room, that you realised they hadn’t discovered, it’s natural behaviour to bring it to them - not leave them thinking you hadn’t bothered. Most especially since he tried the same trick at Christmas and it didn’t go down well.

I should have said something to him but I guess I didn't want to ask 'where's my gift?'. It's like mentally he didnt get that those kind of surprises are mean. He did apologise after and say he was thought it would be a nice surprise. I feel like one by one all occasions are being tarred.

I think yes an overreaction on your part about no gifts, but obviously there's a history that stirred up feelings for you. I agree with posters who recommend working on that because it's not something you want to bring into other relationships.

I never really understand the mentality behind pretending you forgot something special. It's like, here for your birthday/valentines I got you a day of thinking I'm a shit, but SURPRISE I'm actually not. It's not really for the recipient, it's for the amusement of the giver (imo).

I think the main problem is he fell asleep before giving it to you. Obviously, the plan was to give it to you before bedtime, but for some reason he seems to have slept - too much booze, exhaustion?
I can see why you were sad, but I do think your reaction was extreme. I also think he was a bit of an idiot for not planning it better and ensuring you had the gift earlier.
Was he a bit drunk? That would explain forgetting the gift and falling asleep.

But he didn't pretend until 1 am. He had them in the kitchen and asked the OP to take the plates out after the meal and she would have seen them After a meal is a perfectly reasonable time to give the gifts. OP refused then started crying. OK at that point he could/should have got them but I assume he then felt bad for making her feel bad and things got mixed up. Why people can't just talk to each other I don't know.

Oh hush. It was mean and stupid of him, why make excuses for such stupid male behaviour?

So him falling asleep - he's a light sleeper and also will start snoring one min after closing his eyes so he wasn't in a deep sleep and when I was at my laptop he obviously knew I was bothered by something as it was past 1am at this point. We didnt drink so not drunk or anything.

I do know my reaction was OTT but this is something that stirs up past issues and he knew I didn't like this when I got upset at Christmas, so why do it again and wait until valentines day is over .

Also, we have this unwritten rule that at my house I deal with the cleanup and at his house he does it, which is why I said no and he was closer and I was in bed already.