Valentine's Day drama

[wandapower]

Yesterday was our one year anniversary and Valentine's Day obvs. With my ex, he never used to make an effort over these things and it would really upset me and ruin all occasions. Birthdays, valentines, Christmas- I would come with thought out gifts and he would take them but give nothing back until I got upset then he'd buy something and apologise, state how much he loves me etc.

My DP knows this and know how important celebrating occasions and gift giving it - I don't need anything extravagant even just a card/flowers etc just something that shows effort.

I had my child until the early evening so came over to his house later in the evening. Our original plan was to go to cinema on the day like we did last year but I've just been laid off from my job so felt a bit down so suggested we do this on Saturday instead. I brought a small gift and card for him, nothing big. He took it but didn't read the card and didn't have anything for me. Cinema was booked up and it's a 3 hr film and it would have been a late screening so decided to just see it the next day. We went for a walk instead and got a takeaway. On the way back I started to feel a bit down that he hadn't got me anything. I thought maybe he had hid it and would give me a card or something but we got back to his, watched some of a series we were watching. He asked me to take the plates we used to the kitchen but I said no, he should as he's closer and I was in bed warm. After one episode I started scrolling on instagram and obviously saw loads of posts celebrating valentines so don't make it obvious but felt a bit down that again I've ended up with a guy who doesn't care to make me feel special or appreciated. He turned off the tv and seemed as if he was going to sleep. I felt really shitty and couldn't sleep so turned on my laptop and started doing work but was over thinking and at this point got upset and silently crying and rethinking our whole relationship as like I said, history was repeating. He woke up and promoted me to go to the kitchen again. By this time it was 1am. Anyway, turns out he had bought a huge teddy, with wine and chocolates but wanted to make me feel like he had done nothing so it would be a surprise. I was so upset by this point and felt stupid so was still crying and couldn't get happy over the fact he had actually done something for valentiens. He has bipolar and was upset that I was upset so he slept in the other room but said he loved me but he felt stupid and sad for upsetting me. I explained it's like he wanted to play with my emotions and I told him what my ex was like and how upsetting it was so don't get why he wanted to do it to me. He apologised again and said he knows he was silly for doing that but thought it would be a surprise. I slept alone in his bed wishing I was home and just feeling so shitty. It was too late for me to drive home by this point and if I had he would have felt bad too so I stayed but couldn't sleep and just felt so alone and upset. He came back in the room in the morning, loving and apologetic but I feel so emotional today. I'm going home soon as I can't stop crying. I'm knackered and feel drained.

I don't know why I'm posting here but I guess am I overreacting? I know he loves me but he did something similar at Christmas where he pretending he didn't get me anything until the end of the day where by then I had the same feelings as I do now. Surely he would have learnt that I don't find that funny. Just be normal and give the gift when you get yours. I feel like I'm acting like a child but it's bringing up bad feelings from my last relationship.

You do sound incredibly dramatic and needy to be honest. It's an awful lot of drama over cards and gifts! Take it from someone who's been married for 35 years - you've got your priorities wrong. What's important is how someone treats you every normal day, not what crap he buys you on an overhyped commercialised occasion. Is he kind? Is he fun? Is he interesting to have a conversation with, do you have interests in common? Does he do little things like make you a cup of tea and bring it to you in bed, or make you a hot water bottle if you've got backache? These things are a much more important indicator of his love and affection.

His behaviour is very odd over the gifts - I would be upset too. Do you think it’s a control thing that he’s doing - it’s more than once he’s upset you and he knows it!

Agree with this, also like pp if a woman was posting saying she'd shopped and cooked for a special meal and her partner had sat about and wouldn't even carry the dirty plates into the kitchen to help, because too tired ...again he'd be getting called all the names!

He got it wrong. He made you feel upset. Which is forgivable the first time, but not a second.

But I can't believe how dramatically you've behaved. Crying, sulking, exhausted, working during the night, sleeping separately etc. All because past boyfriends didn't adequately express their love for you with gifts.

As an outside, it seems as though his 'love language' is actions and yours is gifts. Neither of you seem capable of considering how the other might feel and how to compromise.

They had a takeaway.

I can see why you are upset OP but you are over reacting too.
Perhaps he isn't the man for you. Please consider being without a partner for some time and learn to love yourself. You and your son will benefit from that.
Take care

It’s sad that you couldn’t both just relax and enjoy the time together. You both need a more mature attitude to your relationship. His little trick was misguided, unwise and immature. Was it deliberately manipulate or is he just a bit thoughtless? Only you know for sure but I reckon that he thought his idea to trick you into thinking there was nothing, then SURPRISE was brilliant. Tell him very clearly never to mess you around like that again.

Your response was immature. You could just have left his house (not sure what you meant by ‘too late to leave’ if you’re only going to drive to your own home?). Not wanting to be in a relationship with a partner who disappoints you on every special occasion is understandable. You appear to be repeating a pattern except that on this occasion he did listen, he bought something but he messed up with the delivery.

Take the emotion out of things and be crystal clear about your expectations. Special occasion gifts are obviously important to you, just don't let your expectations or his silly ideas about anticipation prevent you from being happy together if you think you can be. StV is about love and love requires communication.

YANBU. You need to feel emotionally safe through demonstrations of love.

Not everyone needs that, but you clearly do. Therefore, you must clearly communicate what you need. We can’t expect our loved ones to instinctively know or accurately anticipate what we want.

Looks like your bf didn’t intend to upset you. Sounds like he genuinely wanted to surprise you. But he needs to know that you need up-front validation of love, rather than elaborate surprises.

If you clearly communicate what you need and he still doesn’t get it or dismisses you as too needy or over dramatic, he’s not for you.

Christ who could be bothered with this drama? Bin him off and spend a bit of time alone.

Why didn't he put the gifts out straight away, surely the point is you enjoy them on the day, not the next day. Just stupidity I would assume, he thought you would find them earlier, but at some point he should have dragged you kicking and screaming into the kitchen (not literally).

Op did clearly communicate at Christmas, and he has behaved this way again.
She needs to leave, couldn't be bothered to waste my youth on somebody like this.

Plenty of thoughtful men out there op who will get your cards and gifts, and make you feel special. You don't need to be with this one. I can only see a thread in 10 years time when kids are involved, and there are lots of LTB.

I don't think this is the partner for you op. He clearly isn't on the same page as you and sounds very immature.

There is a strange view on MN particularly that no one should care/have any preference about Christmas,valentines their birthday, any celebration. That's fine for those in relationships where that's agreed. But not everyone has to live by that and to be different isn't being a princess.

I'd certainly not be happy in that kind of relationship. I love celebrating all occasions we only live once. But the key to it is having great communication and being really open about expectations. It doesn't work like the movies at all. It may feel like taking the fun out of it but it's real life. No one is a mind reader.

A healthy loving partner does not play with your emotions or want to see you disappointed.

By Mn standards my husband goes above and beyond but in reality its no more than adding a few extra things to the weekly shop. It's hardly high expectations or being treated like a princess, Men (and women)are certainly capable of it if they want to and that's agreed in their relationship.

You can absolutely find someone who will be on the same page as you op and values the same things. But it is your responsibility to do the self work if you are carrying any baggage. Then to communicate early doors about expectations down to the miniscule details. That person can always say that's not for me and that's a gift to weed out the ones not meant for you faster. By having secret expectations or expecting someone to change when they have shown us that's not who they are. We just waste our own time.

Because it is a purposeful action to play with somebody's emotions. Identical behaviour to what I have seen before. Then at the end it'll be "well I got you a gift didn't I", and he will become the victim, while having enjoyed the mindgames in the process. Repeat.

I think he did his best and you seem like you are a little oversensitive about the subject.
The level of detail in your post was quite hard to follow. I would say it's not worth getting furious over though.

He’s an idiot.
He deliberately delayed giving you the present despite knowing how you feel about those things, doing it previously and upsetting you.
He delayed the surprise for his self delight rather than thinking of how you would be feeling.
And left it ridiculously late.

I'm really sorry but reading this it's simple.
You somewhat reached the conclusion to celebrate Valentines on Saturday. That's how I read it. So he's bought you stuff to give you on your planned day.

All this being-upset-hoping-he-notices-hint-hint is too much. Next time just say 'hey, you didn't get me anything?' And save yourself hours of this mood that ruins it for the both of you.

You sound quite immature, sorry

It feels like he’s trying to make you upset and then make you pathetically grateful when he reveals he has done something.

Really gross.

It’s only been a year. You can do better than this.

That's really manipulative of him, and it sounds like it was deliberate - designed to spoil Valentines Day. Not normal behaviour to buy gifts and pretend not to have.

Reading your OP, it sounds like a symptom of a much bigger relationship problem. Valentines Day is once a year, it isn't something to spoil the rest of the year over - but it shines a spotlight on his attitude to your relationship, which is something not to bother with, not to make any effort for and not to give you affection and reassurance of.

in your situation that would finish off any feelings I had for someone like that. You may put it behind you but you could never forget how he made you feel.

I'd end it because only a year in, the relationship is showing massive fault lines that shouldn't be there.

if previous relationships have followed a similar trend you need to get some counselling to help you identify the type of person you seem to be attracted to, and avoid them in future!

Missed that in all the drama fuelled rest of post!

Honestly this type of fxxkwittery is not normal.
Drama shit show stuff that most people would consider a red flag and be gone.
You have children.
Is this really what you want in your life?

You really need to get well in yourself and take an extended break from men.
You know you have issues and are choosing to be involved with a bipolar twat.

Dump him.

This

It doesn't sound like a symptom of a much bigger problem in the relationship, but a much bigger problem of OP's own. She'll ruin all her relationships if she carries on like this.

So your DP likes the idea of surprising you; he's done it twice, so must think it'll be more fun for you. I don't know, but I would be pleased, that in the end, he didn't run out to get you some last-minute gift, and, in fact, actually did get you a good and fun gift that showed he did care.
I think you allowed yourself to over-think and seems you can't get past the way your ex treated you. This is coming from someone married for way longer than a year, so no surprises hiding in the kitchen, or anywhere else, from a DH that has never gone in for so much as an any occasion card, certainly not a cute and acceptable gift and your DP has apologised a couple of times to you, unfortunately, you made it into a Valentine Drama OP.

Your partner is a big weirdo into playing psychological games, WTF he enjoys seeing you suffer and looking at him with puppy eyes expecting a valentines you won't get, then when you're all down, miserable and sleeping he comes with the present? It's not normal. He sounds like the joker.