Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Valentine's Day drama

216 replies

wandapower · 15/02/2025 13:49

Yesterday was our one year anniversary and Valentine's Day obvs. With my ex, he never used to make an effort over these things and it would really upset me and ruin all occasions. Birthdays, valentines, Christmas- I would come with thought out gifts and he would take them but give nothing back until I got upset then he'd buy something and apologise, state how much he loves me etc.

My DP knows this and know how important celebrating occasions and gift giving it - I don't need anything extravagant even just a card/flowers etc just something that shows effort.

I had my child until the early evening so came over to his house later in the evening. Our original plan was to go to cinema on the day like we did last year but I've just been laid off from my job so felt a bit down so suggested we do this on Saturday instead. I brought a small gift and card for him, nothing big. He took it but didn't read the card and didn't have anything for me. Cinema was booked up and it's a 3 hr film and it would have been a late screening so decided to just see it the next day. We went for a walk instead and got a takeaway. On the way back I started to feel a bit down that he hadn't got me anything. I thought maybe he had hid it and would give me a card or something but we got back to his, watched some of a series we were watching. He asked me to take the plates we used to the kitchen but I said no, he should as he's closer and I was in bed warm. After one episode I started scrolling on instagram and obviously saw loads of posts celebrating valentines so don't make it obvious but felt a bit down that again I've ended up with a guy who doesn't care to make me feel special or appreciated. He turned off the tv and seemed as if he was going to sleep. I felt really shitty and couldn't sleep so turned on my laptop and started doing work but was over thinking and at this point got upset and silently crying and rethinking our whole relationship as like I said, history was repeating. He woke up and promoted me to go to the kitchen again. By this time it was 1am. Anyway, turns out he had bought a huge teddy, with wine and chocolates but wanted to make me feel like he had done nothing so it would be a surprise. I was so upset by this point and felt stupid so was still crying and couldn't get happy over the fact he had actually done something for valentiens. He has bipolar and was upset that I was upset so he slept in the other room but said he loved me but he felt stupid and sad for upsetting me. I explained it's like he wanted to play with my emotions and I told him what my ex was like and how upsetting it was so don't get why he wanted to do it to me. He apologised again and said he knows he was silly for doing that but thought it would be a surprise. I slept alone in his bed wishing I was home and just feeling so shitty. It was too late for me to drive home by this point and if I had he would have felt bad too so I stayed but couldn't sleep and just felt so alone and upset. He came back in the room in the morning, loving and apologetic but I feel so emotional today. I'm going home soon as I can't stop crying. I'm knackered and feel drained.

I don't know why I'm posting here but I guess am I overreacting? I know he loves me but he did something similar at Christmas where he pretending he didn't get me anything until the end of the day where by then I had the same feelings as I do now. Surely he would have learnt that I don't find that funny. Just be normal and give the gift when you get yours. I feel like I'm acting like a child but it's bringing up bad feelings from my last relationship.

OP posts:
Doodleflips · 15/02/2025 15:57

ImmortalSnowman · 15/02/2025 13:54

He tried to make an effort and surprise you. Not good enough if he doesnt do it exactly the way you want it. He can't win can he.

Are you the DP?
raise your bar. He’s being manipulative and playing with her emotions.

op - dump him.

StMarie4me · 15/02/2025 15:59

ImmortalSnowman · 15/02/2025 13:54

He tried to make an effort and surprise you. Not good enough if he doesnt do it exactly the way you want it. He can't win can he.

Nonsense. He played with her emotions knowing that it would upset her. M
Your bar is very low!

greengreyblue · 15/02/2025 16:01

I’d have no time for this shit! Run! Oh and asking you to take plates out……nope!

greengreyblue · 15/02/2025 16:02

Also op, people who share these things on I instagram **are seriously unhappy.

PrincessofWells · 15/02/2025 16:03

You are totally over invested in stuff that is worthless and means nothing.

ruethewhirl · 15/02/2025 16:03

Londonrach1 · 15/02/2025 14:33

You have overacted. You got a strange idea about Valentine day. It's not the movies. Most couples only give cards. The tat in the shops is just tat. Someone who cares and looks after you daily is more important than show off on a day

It's not an either/or thing.

katseyes7 · 15/02/2025 16:05

My (now ex) husband did something similar before we got married.
I forget if it was a birthday or Christmas, but he gave me a ring box.
When l opened it, it had a £1 coin in it. No ring.
And he laughed when l opened the box because l must have looked so excited, then disappointed when l saw it. I was gutted but managed to laugh it off.
About three hours later he presented me with a ring (just a gold dress ring, l suppose these days you'd call it a promise ring or something like that) and said something along the lines of what the OP said, basically he thought l'd appreciate it more once l'd been disappointed.
With hindsight, on our first Valentine's Day together, he didn't turn up until almost 9pm with a card and a creme egg. I'd been upset all day because l'd bought him a card and a present and had no contact from him either.
I wish l'd known then that these were red flags, so far as he was concerned, anyway. He ended up abusive and controlling and if l'd realised (I was relatively young) l should have walked away then.

Doodleflips · 15/02/2025 16:12

Bloody hell. Some of the women in this thread need to raise their bars, and stop being spiteful for the sake of it.

She has asked him not to do it, and he has ignored her to play with her emotions.

We all have our triggers, and that’s part of relating.

OP - it might be time to do some work on your self esteem and your communication skills.
you deserve more than this dickhead.

ChompandaGrazia · 15/02/2025 16:14

I think you both need to grow up.
He sounds like a waste of space. Get rid.

Chuchoter · 15/02/2025 16:17

I can't understand why her waited so long.

Surely the surprise would when you got back to his and he winks and says, 'Put the kettle on, love' and you walk in and BOOM there's the surprise!

Saying that though, you're being overwrought and so needy is going to be very off putting for most men.

Nonrienderien · 15/02/2025 16:17

Sadly according to your updates you are not willing to take any responsibility for not communicating your feelings immediately he didn't reciprocate the gift. You say he has mental health issues. You either accept his strange nuances or split up with him. You can't have it both ways OP. I feel given your last relationship you are looking for the fantasy that in reality doesn't exist when you have a relationship with & love people with ND.Perhaps deep down you are looking for reasons to end the relationship. You are the only person who can decide what's best for you & your child.

TY78910 · 15/02/2025 16:23

Chuchoter · 15/02/2025 16:17

I can't understand why her waited so long.

Surely the surprise would when you got back to his and he winks and says, 'Put the kettle on, love' and you walk in and BOOM there's the surprise!

Saying that though, you're being overwrought and so needy is going to be very off putting for most men.

I have a feeling that he was going to wait for Saturday.

Our original plan was to go to cinema on the day like we did last year but I've just been laid off from my job so felt a bit down so suggested we do this on Saturday instead.

So when OP finally told him she was disappointed, he probably got flustered and told her something about keeping it a surprise.

GOODforyourhealth · 15/02/2025 16:23

Nonrienderien · 15/02/2025 16:17

Sadly according to your updates you are not willing to take any responsibility for not communicating your feelings immediately he didn't reciprocate the gift. You say he has mental health issues. You either accept his strange nuances or split up with him. You can't have it both ways OP. I feel given your last relationship you are looking for the fantasy that in reality doesn't exist when you have a relationship with & love people with ND.Perhaps deep down you are looking for reasons to end the relationship. You are the only person who can decide what's best for you & your child.

She has a child? I didn't see that?

Unfortunately communication with this sort of person never ends well. It'll have resulted in gaslighting, and probably the intended gift to be given thrown at op early, after it was planned to be given
late at night after he had enjoyed toying with her emotions first.

somedayforoneday · 15/02/2025 16:26

He tried to get you to go into the kitchen twice, you refused. He tried to surprise you albeit clumsily and a bit silly.

Whatevershallidowithmylife · 15/02/2025 16:26

As soon as you said he asked you to take the plates to the kitchen I knew there was going to be something nice there for you. Lack of communication- both need to work harder.

failingrocks · 15/02/2025 16:27

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/02/2025 15:23

They had a takeaway.

Show quote history

Without brushing their teeth as neither of them could be bothered to leave the bed to clean up.. 😂🤢

GOODforyourhealth · 15/02/2025 16:28

somedayforoneday · 15/02/2025 16:26

He tried to get you to go into the kitchen twice, you refused. He tried to surprise you albeit clumsily and a bit silly.

Who surprises somebody by telling them to go into the kitchen with dirty dishes in the small hours? Doing this also after seeing the op upset for ages; it is cruel and he enjoyed it.

LlynTegid · 15/02/2025 16:36

I would be sympathetic were it your birthday, or Christmas, but not for the excuse for commercialism that is Valentine's day.

somedayforoneday · 15/02/2025 16:40

GOODforyourhealth · 15/02/2025 16:28

Who surprises somebody by telling them to go into the kitchen with dirty dishes in the small hours? Doing this also after seeing the op upset for ages; it is cruel and he enjoyed it.

Show quote history

Much ado about nothing.

ChampagneLassie · 15/02/2025 16:41

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩you’ve told this man your history and he is now using that vulnerability to emotionally abuse you and then gas lighting you about it.
if he wanted to make you feel loved and special he would have done. You’re only a year in and he’s making you cry. Get rid.

Keedoozle · 15/02/2025 16:45

"I’d have no time for this shit! Run! Oh and asking you to take plates out……nope!" Didn't he ask you to tak the plates in after your meal so that you would FIND your presents OP?

When you refused, he prompted you to go again, and THEN you found them?
YABU.

ChampagneLassie · 15/02/2025 16:46

And to add to those saying he was trying to get you to go to kitchen, too little, too late. Please bin him off and raise your standards. First valentines he was abroad and was going to give me when he came back. I was so upset I almost finished with him and explained how important it was to me. He’s not made the mistake twice. Your BF was already on his second chance.

Wonderi · 15/02/2025 16:48

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 15/02/2025 14:44

Yeah but how hard is it to hand over a card when you first see each other?

Theres a lot of men on this thread.

Show quote history

OP has said how much effort and gestures mean to her.

Handing over a card is hardly making an effort is it.

He had set up a surprise in the kitchen but OP didn’t go into the kitchen until the early hours.

She has a lot of emotional baggage from her previous relationships and she’s taking it out on him.

He can’t win.
And OP is at risk of losing this relationship.

Wonderi · 15/02/2025 16:50

ChampagneLassie · 15/02/2025 16:41

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩you’ve told this man your history and he is now using that vulnerability to emotionally abuse you and then gas lighting you about it.
if he wanted to make you feel loved and special he would have done. You’re only a year in and he’s making you cry. Get rid.

How is he emotionally abusing or gaslighting her.

She told him she likes men who makes an effort for these sorts of celebrations and he did just that.

He literally listened to her and did exactly what she wanted.

GOODforyourhealth · 15/02/2025 16:50

Wonderi · 15/02/2025 16:48

OP has said how much effort and gestures mean to her.

Handing over a card is hardly making an effort is it.

He had set up a surprise in the kitchen but OP didn’t go into the kitchen until the early hours.

She has a lot of emotional baggage from her previous relationships and she’s taking it out on him.

He can’t win.
And OP is at risk of losing this relationship.

Show quote history

If that is the case than why did he watch op upset for ages? Telling somebody to take dirty dishes into the kitchen (after watching them upset for ages), isn't kind, it is unhealthy. There is no relationship to lose here, it is dysfunctional, and op will gain from it ending.