Valentine's Day drama

[wandapower]

Yesterday was our one year anniversary and Valentine's Day obvs. With my ex, he never used to make an effort over these things and it would really upset me and ruin all occasions. Birthdays, valentines, Christmas- I would come with thought out gifts and he would take them but give nothing back until I got upset then he'd buy something and apologise, state how much he loves me etc.

My DP knows this and know how important celebrating occasions and gift giving it - I don't need anything extravagant even just a card/flowers etc just something that shows effort.

I had my child until the early evening so came over to his house later in the evening. Our original plan was to go to cinema on the day like we did last year but I've just been laid off from my job so felt a bit down so suggested we do this on Saturday instead. I brought a small gift and card for him, nothing big. He took it but didn't read the card and didn't have anything for me. Cinema was booked up and it's a 3 hr film and it would have been a late screening so decided to just see it the next day. We went for a walk instead and got a takeaway. On the way back I started to feel a bit down that he hadn't got me anything. I thought maybe he had hid it and would give me a card or something but we got back to his, watched some of a series we were watching. He asked me to take the plates we used to the kitchen but I said no, he should as he's closer and I was in bed warm. After one episode I started scrolling on instagram and obviously saw loads of posts celebrating valentines so don't make it obvious but felt a bit down that again I've ended up with a guy who doesn't care to make me feel special or appreciated. He turned off the tv and seemed as if he was going to sleep. I felt really shitty and couldn't sleep so turned on my laptop and started doing work but was over thinking and at this point got upset and silently crying and rethinking our whole relationship as like I said, history was repeating. He woke up and promoted me to go to the kitchen again. By this time it was 1am. Anyway, turns out he had bought a huge teddy, with wine and chocolates but wanted to make me feel like he had done nothing so it would be a surprise. I was so upset by this point and felt stupid so was still crying and couldn't get happy over the fact he had actually done something for valentiens. He has bipolar and was upset that I was upset so he slept in the other room but said he loved me but he felt stupid and sad for upsetting me. I explained it's like he wanted to play with my emotions and I told him what my ex was like and how upsetting it was so don't get why he wanted to do it to me. He apologised again and said he knows he was silly for doing that but thought it would be a surprise. I slept alone in his bed wishing I was home and just feeling so shitty. It was too late for me to drive home by this point and if I had he would have felt bad too so I stayed but couldn't sleep and just felt so alone and upset. He came back in the room in the morning, loving and apologetic but I feel so emotional today. I'm going home soon as I can't stop crying. I'm knackered and feel drained.

I don't know why I'm posting here but I guess am I overreacting? I know he loves me but he did something similar at Christmas where he pretending he didn't get me anything until the end of the day where by then I had the same feelings as I do now. Surely he would have learnt that I don't find that funny. Just be normal and give the gift when you get yours. I feel like I'm acting like a child but it's bringing up bad feelings from my last relationship.

This

Nah, this is shit.

What normal person wants to see their partner visibly disappointed, confused, upset?

Who the fuck enjoys that, which he clearly did as he has done it twice now.

Bin him off OP, this is a massive red flag!

If a Hallmark day is that important to you (as opposed to birthdays) then you need to make that very clear

I think you've gone way over the top

Stop justifying manipulative childish behaviour. He did the same thing at Christmas and she told she doesn’t like it and yet he does it again.

He should learn to know when a joke is over not continue like an idiot, he literally didn’t say anything until he saw her crying at 1am

His surprise involves seeing her upset and playing with her emotions. Is that what she is to expect for every celebration in their relation?

It was half 11 by then! Hours after she gave him her gift.

As he's done this twice now, you need to make it crystal clear to him that you don't enjoy the disappointment/surprise thing and if he does it again, he can bugger right off. What treatment is he having for his bipolar issues?

The whole relationship sounds very immature tbh. I'm guessing you're both young, and with no dcs hopefully. He sounds like he is a bit of a wind up merchant who plays with people's emotions which is not okay.
I don't know how long you're been together? It sounds as if you're aren't a match, and maybe should end it sooner rather than later.

Edited to add I knew somebody like this who also had bi polar. He would stop taking his meds on a whim. He treated his gf like a doormat, and didn't improve as a grown man either. The worst part was she let him, it got worse, and then they brought a child into this unhealthy situation. They split up in the end and there are still ongoing issues. He is incredibly emotionally abusive, and manipulative. She was always surprised when he did or didn't do something, when it was his whole personality, and nothing new.

But he DID provide something!

You didn't like HOW he provided the something

He's also bi polar. Maybe the surprise element is important to him

What has being bipolar got to do with that?

This!
He had a surprise set up for you, but it went wrong, is it really such a big deal.
Get over it and move on.

But the important thing is did you get your photo for insta to tell everyone how amazing he is and how you're one lucky girl 🙄

This is really odd. His behaviour is very strange - to leave you thinking you had no gift and going to bed letting you think that. When was he planning on giving it to you? Also the fact that he thought it would be funny shows a total lack of empathy (especially as he has done the same thing before). Then you sitting in bed crying about it (probably secretly hoping he would notice you were upset) when you should have just said something - far too much drama.

It doesn't sound like you are very compatible where do you actually see the relationship going? If.you told him clearly you didn't like it at Christmas and he did this I'd be walking away. If you just cried and expected him to understand he messed up that's kinda on you too. In the same way you don't like this maybe he had a previous partner who liked surprises.
Your reaction yesterday was over the top. You should probably spend some time on your own instead of moving from one bad relationship to another especially when you have a child to consider

Why does anyone think that letting a person believe you have forgotten an occasion so they are upset all day and then 'surprising' them, is anything other than nasty and cruel ?
You get some kind of kick out of ruining the day, watching someone be unhappy while you smuggly tell yourself 'I know something you don't know' just so you can have the supposed pleasure of seeing them go through a confusing mix of emotions when you do the 'big reveal'.
It is shitty cruel behaviour indulged in by people with zero emotional intelligence and a nasty streak. Manipulative game players - no one needs a relationshi with one of those, I'd ditch him OP and find yourself a decent person, or not be in a relationship and love and care for yourself.

You don’t sound compatible. You both struggle to communicate with each other.

In fairness, I think he was playing a game and toying with emotions (or at best, really didn't think it through, especially in light of what he did and how it was received at Christmas). It's like when people pretend to forget someones birthday only to then reveal a big surprise at the day... by which point, said person has spent most of the day feeling rubbish and a shadow has been cast over the day. I think it's entirely reasonable not to like that kind of surprise approach.

Get some therapy, work on yourself before jumping into relationships.

All this drama because of your unresolved issues. You wanna know the truth - men hate valentine's day and all this bs. And all those Insta posts are all for clicks and likes...why would you compare your life to someones made up fairy tale. How old are you you seems to be very young. I don't think you will ever be satisfied in any relationship because you don't have it all put together with yourself. I'm not talking about your partner because in the end this is solely about you. If you can fall apart so hard over this then what will life do to you when you start dealing with serious stuff. Do work on yourself, for your son.

maybe try being single for a while, grow up/get therapy.
Maybe try a relationship when you are in a position to not expect your current partner to compensate for the shortcomings of your former partner.

He deliberately did something to upset you, knowing that it would upset you because he did it before, and then punished you for being upset by sleeping in the other room.

Put him in the bin where he belongs.

Are you serious?
What actually did was terrible- he didn't give her anything until after they'd gone to bed and she was upset.
That's not normal. That's not how you give a gift to a loved one.

I am stunned at all the pp defending him with "but he did something, you just didn't like how he did it" wtf?

Surely HOW someone gives a gift is as much a part of the "giving of the gift" as the actual gift

You've worked out that the reason you get so upset when you don't receive a gift or special treat that would be normal on a particular occasion, is because of upsetting incidents in the past.
That's a useful thing to know.
BUT -it seems you are relying on present partners to remember your history and take extra care to give you gifts etc in order to avoid you being devastated.
That makes you extremely vulnerable and puts a relentless pressure on them to get it right for you.
It would be much more helpful to be kind to yourself by letting go of this expectation completely. Maybe you'll be given flowers and a card, maybe not, but you'll have a great evening with your fabulous partner anyway.
You might even ask people NOT to give you presents, and mean it. Not because you don't deserve nice things - you do - but because the gifts mean far more to you than is bearable. Every now and then someone might give you something anyway; if they do just say, Oh that's nice, thank you. Don't let it mean too much.

Yes, it is a very insecure man that's behaves this way. It is cruel, and emotionally immature. I see this in those kinds of relationships where the couple will repeatedly name call each other, and think it is funny. There is just generally a lack of respect for op, and her feelings.

I watched a friend turn into an absolute doormat for a man similar to this. He would repeatedly screw with her head, saying he wanted one thing, then doing another after she got her hopes up. He was coercively controlling as well. An example is, they were supposed to go look for a baby cot, he said no, to upset her. He found out she was going to see a friend Instead . At the very last minute he said he would now go to look at cots so that she would change her plans last minute and prioritise him. He then made her feel she should be really grateful he had gone to look with her.
This was nothing compared to the other things he pulled, I cannot list them or it could be identifying.

Please leave him op.

He was a bit dumb.

To be upset in bed that evening is understandable but to have gone home the following morning and still be crying about it, is a bit much.

I’m not sure you have dealt with your past relationships enough that you are in a healthy enough place that you should be dating anyone right now. Not sure you and this guy are very compatible on top of that.

@Poppins2016 Absolutely reasonable not to like the approach. After the first time someone does that a mature person expresses that it upset them and asks them to please never do that again.
I disagree he was playing with emotions, I think he thought it was a nice idea to surprise gift and he did it at Christmas and thought it worked. She keeps comparing him to exes so maybe there was an element of him thinking (wrongly) that he'd act like that and then surprise her. Either way after a year and all this drama over needing gifts to feel worthy is ridiculous.