Valentine's Day drama

[wandapower]

Yesterday was our one year anniversary and Valentine's Day obvs. With my ex, he never used to make an effort over these things and it would really upset me and ruin all occasions. Birthdays, valentines, Christmas- I would come with thought out gifts and he would take them but give nothing back until I got upset then he'd buy something and apologise, state how much he loves me etc.

My DP knows this and know how important celebrating occasions and gift giving it - I don't need anything extravagant even just a card/flowers etc just something that shows effort.

I had my child until the early evening so came over to his house later in the evening. Our original plan was to go to cinema on the day like we did last year but I've just been laid off from my job so felt a bit down so suggested we do this on Saturday instead. I brought a small gift and card for him, nothing big. He took it but didn't read the card and didn't have anything for me. Cinema was booked up and it's a 3 hr film and it would have been a late screening so decided to just see it the next day. We went for a walk instead and got a takeaway. On the way back I started to feel a bit down that he hadn't got me anything. I thought maybe he had hid it and would give me a card or something but we got back to his, watched some of a series we were watching. He asked me to take the plates we used to the kitchen but I said no, he should as he's closer and I was in bed warm. After one episode I started scrolling on instagram and obviously saw loads of posts celebrating valentines so don't make it obvious but felt a bit down that again I've ended up with a guy who doesn't care to make me feel special or appreciated. He turned off the tv and seemed as if he was going to sleep. I felt really shitty and couldn't sleep so turned on my laptop and started doing work but was over thinking and at this point got upset and silently crying and rethinking our whole relationship as like I said, history was repeating. He woke up and promoted me to go to the kitchen again. By this time it was 1am. Anyway, turns out he had bought a huge teddy, with wine and chocolates but wanted to make me feel like he had done nothing so it would be a surprise. I was so upset by this point and felt stupid so was still crying and couldn't get happy over the fact he had actually done something for valentiens. He has bipolar and was upset that I was upset so he slept in the other room but said he loved me but he felt stupid and sad for upsetting me. I explained it's like he wanted to play with my emotions and I told him what my ex was like and how upsetting it was so don't get why he wanted to do it to me. He apologised again and said he knows he was silly for doing that but thought it would be a surprise. I slept alone in his bed wishing I was home and just feeling so shitty. It was too late for me to drive home by this point and if I had he would have felt bad too so I stayed but couldn't sleep and just felt so alone and upset. He came back in the room in the morning, loving and apologetic but I feel so emotional today. I'm going home soon as I can't stop crying. I'm knackered and feel drained.

I don't know why I'm posting here but I guess am I overreacting? I know he loves me but he did something similar at Christmas where he pretending he didn't get me anything until the end of the day where by then I had the same feelings as I do now. Surely he would have learnt that I don't find that funny. Just be normal and give the gift when you get yours. I feel like I'm acting like a child but it's bringing up bad feelings from my last relationship.

the thing is who wants to Upset their partner.. to then make the surprise more of a surprise? thats pretty fucked up to be honest. Like surely when you give him your presents he should have given you yours... not just been like RIGHT THANKS. and then watched you be sad all evening until in the middle of the night ... its just really odd

He's also bi polar. Maybe the surprise element is important to him. He asked her to go to the kitchen she refused. It's not so easy to just change your plans when you are battling your own mind. Original plans had already changed and he managed that, another change might not have been within his ability that day.

It's not all about @wandapower. She didn't make it clear to him about Christmas why wouldn't he think it was successful?

If this was a man comparing new bi polar girlfriend of a year to his ex all the time and expecting her to read his mind, OP would be getting torn apart.

He asked you to take the plates out to the kitchen earlier in the evening so he expected you to find the present then. You refused because you were warm in bed apparently. How long are you going to be traumatised because one of your ex's didn't buy you flowers or whatever? And are you going to compare every man you meet going forward? This sounds like too much drama quite frankly.

I also don't celebrate valentines so honestly its not the fact of the day that would bother me, its the fact he left you to think he didnt do anything for you just to make you sad Just to make it more of a surprise

This. So, so weird.

OP what are you going to to with the huge teddybear?

Throw this one back.

A few thoughts-
—Sounds like he the emotional intelligence of a gnat.
-Sounds like you have some ongoing issues re your ex that it would be good to address outside a relationship.
-I wouldn’t be introducing a man with bipolar disorder into my child’s life in what already sounds a bit of an unstable set up.

He sounds like hard work, if he really wanted you to go into the kitchen to find the presents he should’ve pushed it or made it a joke that you really did need to take the plates because there was something in it for you.

Just giving up at that point and letting you think he’s done nothing was silly of him, especially since he’d done something similar at Christmas.

I think you need to just be honest with him that he doesn’t need to make things into a surprise or anything, it’s like he’s trying to hard and then making it all worse by giving up when it doesn’t go exactly how he’s thinking because you have no idea what’s going on!

Yes, very strange.

He knows about your past and your feelings about Valentine Day, I think he was getting a kick out of hiding your presents.

Run, OP.

It wasn't. He repeated something he was under the impression she liked the first time. @wandapower got huffy because of her exes but hasn't told new boyfriend that she would rather exchange gifts at the same time.

Do you think bi polar means stupid?

@wandapower Deal with your issues with your past relationships before dragging them into new ones unless you can express exactly what he needs to do to meet your expectations. You told him he needed to make an effort and get you stuff. He did.

He didn't even lead you to think he'd done nothing. He set it all up to surprise you when he was ready. After a walk and dinner is an appropriate time to give a gift. You could have opened the wine and eaten the chocolates. Sounds like he wanted to to notice the massive teddy, rather than present you with it.

But you wouldn't cooperate and we're apparently in bed surrounded by dirty dishes, then working by laptop light while he tried to sleep, snivelling about all the partners who didn't realise you were a princess to be waited on hand and foot.

Some people don't celebrate but some do. Now I don't like what he did at all. He deliberately made you feel like he hadn't bothered knowing how that would make you feel. It feels cruel to me because it was deliberate and he didn't even give them to you before bed. It feels like a test.

People can go away with the I am happy with a slap in the face with a wet fish for valentines day. If something is important to your partner, even if you think it is stupid, you make a bloody effort, especially if said effort is a card and some flowers.

We finished eating food at like 11.30pm, so even then was quite late. I would have thought when I give my gift would be the time to give his.

Yes I do have issues from past relationships so I've made it clear what I want from future relationships ships - we were friends before we became a couple so he knows this. He also has baggage from his past relationship so it's not like it's a one-sided thing.

I know he tried to do a nice thing but he initiated it wrong. Thanks for the comments, even the ones slating me are making me think.

Why the hell are you staying awake to work yourself up over a thing like this? It’s extremely weird. And a stupid big teddybear for an adult person, does it tell you how much he loves you?

I am certain you scrolled social media and you were only crying because you had nothing to put on there yourself!

The fool actually missed Valentine’s Day and gave you the gift on the 15th of February. That’s thoughtless.

I would have thought when I give my gift would be the time to give his.

He obviously thought differently. It doesn't sound like you bothered to discuss this. None of that means he's cruel or you should be angry with him.

Sounds like you got what you wanted. But I'm not sure a huge teddy gives your relationship the meaning you think it does.

No. OP was upset because she wanted to put his declaration of love on the sm she was staying up scrolling and crying to.

Are you not just both exhausted with the drama?

It’s all so unnecessary.

Staying up late is normal for me and partner and no, I don't really post on socials so I wasn't bothered by having something to post. I guess I saw all these people posting what their partner did and I felt like I'm with a guy I love and who loves me but he couldn't even get me a card. I don't need much, it's the thought and effort that counts for me.

I can't get past the fact that he WANTED you to think he'd not got you anything.
Throw this one back op.

How were you at his flat all evening and didn't go into the kitchen? Didn't you get a drink at any point? He maybe should've been clearer when he asked you to take the plates and you refused, he should've said ok I'll take them but please come to the kitchen with me.
I think he's tried to do something nice and misjudged it and you've put far too much emphasis on an arbitrary day.

DH lost my card (we've had building work there was stuff everywhere), but he spent all day yesterday while I was at work absolutely busting a gut to get our downstairs back to normal after the builders left Thursday, moving furniture, cleaning, packing away, numerous tip runs , so we had a clean tidy warm space to enjoy, and a dining table to eat at, which after more than a month of living on a building site was absolute bliss. Tokens and gestures don't mean anything. If the rest of your relationship is good.

Op, you will ruin all future relationships if you don’t get rid of your emotional baggage
Some people just don’t do Valentine’s Day as it feels contrived
You are forcing other people to do something for you, even if they don’t want to, and completely over reacting when they don’t do something the way you think they should.
As for Birthdays and Christmas - have the conversation! What’s the spending limits? When do you like to exchange gifts? Etc etc
Emotionally blackmailing someone with your high expectations - and your extreme reaction - is going to ruin the relationship more than someone not giving you presents and making a fuss of you

It's obviously fucking not the thought and the effort that counts for you. He did all that and tried to surprise you and you found fault, accusing him of pretending to forget. It doesn't sound like that was even his plan, just you ruined it.

He didnt give her the gift until 1.30am, the next day!

When he told her to go into the kitchen, it was 11.30pm.

Is that normal?

I posted on a thread a couple of weeks ago how horrible and hurtful it is when people do this (it was in the context of birthdays on the previous thread). It ruins the whole day.