Valentine's Day drama

[wandapower]

Yesterday was our one year anniversary and Valentine's Day obvs. With my ex, he never used to make an effort over these things and it would really upset me and ruin all occasions. Birthdays, valentines, Christmas- I would come with thought out gifts and he would take them but give nothing back until I got upset then he'd buy something and apologise, state how much he loves me etc.

My DP knows this and know how important celebrating occasions and gift giving it - I don't need anything extravagant even just a card/flowers etc just something that shows effort.

I had my child until the early evening so came over to his house later in the evening. Our original plan was to go to cinema on the day like we did last year but I've just been laid off from my job so felt a bit down so suggested we do this on Saturday instead. I brought a small gift and card for him, nothing big. He took it but didn't read the card and didn't have anything for me. Cinema was booked up and it's a 3 hr film and it would have been a late screening so decided to just see it the next day. We went for a walk instead and got a takeaway. On the way back I started to feel a bit down that he hadn't got me anything. I thought maybe he had hid it and would give me a card or something but we got back to his, watched some of a series we were watching. He asked me to take the plates we used to the kitchen but I said no, he should as he's closer and I was in bed warm. After one episode I started scrolling on instagram and obviously saw loads of posts celebrating valentines so don't make it obvious but felt a bit down that again I've ended up with a guy who doesn't care to make me feel special or appreciated. He turned off the tv and seemed as if he was going to sleep. I felt really shitty and couldn't sleep so turned on my laptop and started doing work but was over thinking and at this point got upset and silently crying and rethinking our whole relationship as like I said, history was repeating. He woke up and promoted me to go to the kitchen again. By this time it was 1am. Anyway, turns out he had bought a huge teddy, with wine and chocolates but wanted to make me feel like he had done nothing so it would be a surprise. I was so upset by this point and felt stupid so was still crying and couldn't get happy over the fact he had actually done something for valentiens. He has bipolar and was upset that I was upset so he slept in the other room but said he loved me but he felt stupid and sad for upsetting me. I explained it's like he wanted to play with my emotions and I told him what my ex was like and how upsetting it was so don't get why he wanted to do it to me. He apologised again and said he knows he was silly for doing that but thought it would be a surprise. I slept alone in his bed wishing I was home and just feeling so shitty. It was too late for me to drive home by this point and if I had he would have felt bad too so I stayed but couldn't sleep and just felt so alone and upset. He came back in the room in the morning, loving and apologetic but I feel so emotional today. I'm going home soon as I can't stop crying. I'm knackered and feel drained.

I don't know why I'm posting here but I guess am I overreacting? I know he loves me but he did something similar at Christmas where he pretending he didn't get me anything until the end of the day where by then I had the same feelings as I do now. Surely he would have learnt that I don't find that funny. Just be normal and give the gift when you get yours. I feel like I'm acting like a child but it's bringing up bad feelings from my last relationship.

He really did not listen and respond. He listened and repeated behaviour he knew she didn’t like. He is definitely manipulating her, which is a great start in being emotionally abusive.
It amazes and concerns me, how many women don’t recognise the signs.

This.

The BEST spin is that he is immature, awkward and completely lacking in empathy. Worst case he is borderline sociopathic.

Why on earth waste your time with such a person?

I don't get the big deal about Valentines Day but being sadistic about it and expecting to spring the celebration on someone at 1am is twisted and abnormal.

Maybe step back from relationships though and explore why you are letting other people's behaviour drive your emotions, sense of identity and sense of self-worth.

None are so blind as those who WILL not see.

Then a few years later when they entangled with an abuser, to the detriment of their children, they claim there were no signs. There always are.

Right, so when man tells woman to take the plates into the kitchen woman should do so? Even when man is a lot nearer?

I didn't think that sort of relationship was what MN generally liked to stand for.

Where does it say he watched her being upset?

and at this point got upset and silently crying and rethinking our whole relationship

OP said that she didn’t say anything and got upset after he went to sleep.

She said he should have known because she got her laptop out but if my DH got his laptop out, I wouldn’t take that to mean he was upset.

He wanted to do something romantic because he knew what these gestures mean to her.
He should have kept on telling her to go to the kitchen but I guess he clumsily didn’t want to ruin the surprise.

I think some of these replies are a bit dramatic.

The man has a mental health disorder which in many cases falls under the neurodiverse umbrella.The OP has to decide whether she loves him enough to accept he will have times where he doesn't realise the upset he is causing & either take it or leave it.

So before he made you feel special, he wanted you to feel disappointed first? That’s not a surprise—it’s just thoughtless at best, and manipulative at worst. He knew this kind of thing upset you before, yet he did it again. That’s not forgetfulness, it’s a choice.

And this isn’t just a one-off. It happened at Christmas too, and now on Valentine’s. He knows you have past hurt around feeling unappreciated, yet instead of making things easy and thoughtful, he recreated the exact scenario that upset you before. That’s not an accident—that’s a pattern. A well-planned “surprise” shouldn’t come at the cost of making someone feel neglected first.

Then when you were understandably upset, instead of making things right, he retreated, sulked, and made it about his feelings. That shifts the emotional burden onto you—so now you’re feeling bad for being upset, rather than him taking responsibility for upsetting you. If he truly meant well, he would have adjusted the plan the moment he saw it wasn’t working, not just let you sit there feeling awful for hours.

And let’s be honest—the gift itself is a bit ridiculous. A giant teddy bear? That’s more about making a grand gesture than actually thinking about what you would appreciate. You said a card would have been enough. He didn’t listen. And the way he hid it, expecting you to randomly wander into the kitchen at 1 AM? If the goal was really to make you feel loved, he would have just handed it to you instead of sticking rigidly to a plan that only worked in his head.

Then there’s the plates situation. You were already upset, in bed, and instead of just doing it himself, he asked you to get up and do it? That’s just inconsiderate.

Now, instead of being able to process your own feelings, you’re doubting yourself. Calling yourself dramatic. Thinking you overreacted. But your feelings were entirely reasonable. You didn’t get upset over nothing—you got upset because your partner made choices that left you feeling unimportant. That’s a valid reaction.

This has happened twice now. If he truly understands how this made you feel, he won’t do it again. But if he does? That tells you everything you need to know.

OP, you both have baggage and it seems you both have communication problems too. Nobody can say how much of that for him, is down to his bi-polar. He isn’t able to ditch his bi-polar so you have to learn how to work around it -or decide you can’t to do that after all, and end the relationship.

As it’s not the first time this has happened, you could have talked about what you would do on together on V day before hand, so that he knew more clearly what you expected from him and more crucially, what you most definitely wanted to avoid. That would have been helpful to him.
You didn’t do that, yet still had the same expectations even though you had observed that was his previous pattern
It is obvious you will have to have that conversation before every gift giving occasion, every year, in order for him to be able to please you -which its clear he wants to do.
If you aren’t prepared to do that for him -and certainly, not everybody would as it removes spontaneity, then it’s best to go back to being friends with far fewer expectations on him so that he isn’t constantly failing you.

Hope you can work it out somehow.

You should re-read the order of events as posted originally by OP.
On the way back from the takeaway, OP said she 'felt a bit down' but she still had hope he would give her a gift.

After eating, DP asked OP to take the plates in ( how else would she find her teddy bear, wine and chocs)?

She refused, they went to bed and it was then she started to think about it more, while on her laptop, and "Silently Cry"............HE woke up, "promoted" her to go to the kitchen, it was then 1 AM and then she saw the gift.

You lot are making the DP into some kind of sadist.

In OP's words "turns out he had bought a huge teddy, with wine and chocolates but wanted to make me feel like he had done nothing so it would be a surprise"

DP apologised for making her feel forgotten, in OP's own words:
" He has bipolar and was upset that I was upset so he slept in the other room but said he loved me but he felt stupid and sad for upsetting me."

You know what I think: some posters on here don't want to read what OP wrote, and they love misery , especially at Valentines which many know it often shite anyway, and so are advising OP to LTB.
She doesn't have it bad at all with this guy, not by what she wrote in her intro.

Sooo romatic! Come on guys, how low is your bar???

🙈

Tbf buying you a gift and not giving it to you is stupid.

you do seem very dramatic though and a bit juvenile making such a big deal out of valentines.

one other thing as well you mention your ex a lot... I hope you don't bring this up to your new fella all the time. That would be enough to make anyone want to leave a relationship if you keep openly comparing the two of them.

OP try googling 5 love languages. This might help with not only with your issues in past relationships but also current one.

Alot of problems & misunderstandings can arise in a relationship if the 2 people have different ways of expressing love. If you are both aware of your differences it can help you understand & appreciate your partner differently. Ive attached something from google below. Ive also read the book it was a revelation.

That being said your partner making you feel bad by trying to surprise you he had nb VD - well I think you need a frank discussion. He obviously hasnt understood from your reaction to Christmas that you arent taking it as a joke but are hurt by it, and that he is damaging the relationship by doing so. Some will say you are OTT etc, putting issues from past onto him etc etc. Maybe you are. We are all shaped by things that have happened in our pasts.

He needs to make allowances for that, just as you need to make alliwances for him.

The five love languages are:

Words of affirmation: Giving compliments or expressing appreciation
Quality time: Spending time together
Physical touch: Showing affection through touch
Acts of service: Doing things for your partner that they would like or need help with
Receiving gifts: Giving or receiving gifts

Marriage counselor Dr. Gary Chapman introduced the concept of love languages in his 1992 book The 5 Love Languages.

How to learn your love language

Notice what makes your partner feel happy or light up
Consider how love was expressed in your family of origin
Consider what your partner does to show love
Benefits of learning love languages
Learning your own and your partner's love language can help you create a stronger bond.

Research on love languages
However, some research has found a lack of evidence that couples are more satisfied when they speak each other's preferred love language.

but wanted to make me feel like he had done nothing so it would be a surprise

This tells you all you need to know doesn’t it. Why did he want you to feel that way? It’s not normal to intentionally hurt people on special days, even if the hurt is temporary.

You’ve told him your ex used to ignore special occasions and that it upset you. Despite knowing this he’s chosen to do this not once but twice. It’s a weird cruel thing to do.

I would bin for this. And going forward you shouldn’t tell men about issues you had in previous relationships. This isn’t the first time I’ve read of men doing the exact same thing they’ve been told the ex did.

I might liven up Mother’s Day this year by making my mum feel I forgot about it. It will be an even nicer surprise when she realises the day after that I did get her something after all.

It worries me how many posters wilfully or otherwise leap to the defence of a man displaying clearly 🚩 actions.

Exactly this. How are some posters missing that this is what he’s doing?

I don't think this is fun or a "surprise." IMHO it's a bit shit, and most people wouldn't like to go through a roller coaster of emotions in one day.

Exactly this. How are some posters missing that this is what he’s doing?

Because they’d rather pick her behaviour apart. She didn’t confront him, didn’t make a fuss, but committed the crime of being silently upset while he was supposedly sleeping. So she’s dramatic and over reacting and he’s just a stupid dumb fuck who tried to do something nice and got it wrong. Poor fella.

People must have missed the part about him supposedly sleeping then punishing her for being upset by sleeping in another room.

It all sounds hilarious. There’s no reason to not liven up all special occasions by having people think I couldn’t be arsed to do anything. I can’t wait to do this to my kid, imagine his face when he realises I didn’t forget his birthday after all! Belly laughs all round!

🙄

He clearly likes playing games with you besides the effect it has on you. Tell him straight out that since he's got mh problems he should not deliberately try to hurt you. You wouldn't do something to deliberate hurt him.

You’re defending a man who’s deliberately being hurtful to his partner.

You know, I'm not at all surprised you would resort to saying that because that's what always happens on MN when push comes to push back.
And I push back on the notion that OP is the teary heroine and this poor guy is the villain.
But you're right, if OP is so sad about the way she was treated by her previous partner and now she's so sad that this poor guy was trying his best, though misguided as after 1 year together he didn't know her well enough, maybe she should take all of your ill- given advice and just walk off.
But I bet she doesn't.😏

I’m not resorting to anything. I’m also not interested in your so called ‘push back’.
Of course she should walk away, the bloke is a dick.
I worry for all the people who can’t see the red flags, or who choose not to.
The bar is SO low :(

Oh well that's so very kind of you.
I can see how worried all of you are by all of the nasty and negative posts out there.
As I said way up thread I think from my perspective that she was not hurting too badly.
She got her presents and they were all nice and very acceptable. The guy apologized , said he loved her and felt bad about her feeling sad for the delay, the delayed surprise.

As I said I've been married longer than a year and my DH always remembers my birthday he always says happy birthday, and we go for a coffee or out for a drink.
We don't exchange presents or cards and I've learned to live with that because he is otherwise a very good person and a great dad.
But when I read of OP's sadness when the guy did give her a present my point was that I wouldn't have reacted that way and I'm surprised that most of you would.
You don't have much tolerance for those you love do you, with your bar too low comments.