Valentine's Day drama

[wandapower]

Yesterday was our one year anniversary and Valentine's Day obvs. With my ex, he never used to make an effort over these things and it would really upset me and ruin all occasions. Birthdays, valentines, Christmas- I would come with thought out gifts and he would take them but give nothing back until I got upset then he'd buy something and apologise, state how much he loves me etc.

My DP knows this and know how important celebrating occasions and gift giving it - I don't need anything extravagant even just a card/flowers etc just something that shows effort.

I had my child until the early evening so came over to his house later in the evening. Our original plan was to go to cinema on the day like we did last year but I've just been laid off from my job so felt a bit down so suggested we do this on Saturday instead. I brought a small gift and card for him, nothing big. He took it but didn't read the card and didn't have anything for me. Cinema was booked up and it's a 3 hr film and it would have been a late screening so decided to just see it the next day. We went for a walk instead and got a takeaway. On the way back I started to feel a bit down that he hadn't got me anything. I thought maybe he had hid it and would give me a card or something but we got back to his, watched some of a series we were watching. He asked me to take the plates we used to the kitchen but I said no, he should as he's closer and I was in bed warm. After one episode I started scrolling on instagram and obviously saw loads of posts celebrating valentines so don't make it obvious but felt a bit down that again I've ended up with a guy who doesn't care to make me feel special or appreciated. He turned off the tv and seemed as if he was going to sleep. I felt really shitty and couldn't sleep so turned on my laptop and started doing work but was over thinking and at this point got upset and silently crying and rethinking our whole relationship as like I said, history was repeating. He woke up and promoted me to go to the kitchen again. By this time it was 1am. Anyway, turns out he had bought a huge teddy, with wine and chocolates but wanted to make me feel like he had done nothing so it would be a surprise. I was so upset by this point and felt stupid so was still crying and couldn't get happy over the fact he had actually done something for valentiens. He has bipolar and was upset that I was upset so he slept in the other room but said he loved me but he felt stupid and sad for upsetting me. I explained it's like he wanted to play with my emotions and I told him what my ex was like and how upsetting it was so don't get why he wanted to do it to me. He apologised again and said he knows he was silly for doing that but thought it would be a surprise. I slept alone in his bed wishing I was home and just feeling so shitty. It was too late for me to drive home by this point and if I had he would have felt bad too so I stayed but couldn't sleep and just felt so alone and upset. He came back in the room in the morning, loving and apologetic but I feel so emotional today. I'm going home soon as I can't stop crying. I'm knackered and feel drained.

I don't know why I'm posting here but I guess am I overreacting? I know he loves me but he did something similar at Christmas where he pretending he didn't get me anything until the end of the day where by then I had the same feelings as I do now. Surely he would have learnt that I don't find that funny. Just be normal and give the gift when you get yours. I feel like I'm acting like a child but it's bringing up bad feelings from my last relationship.

Your post doesn’t even make sense, I don’t understand the last line?

Just because you wouldn’t react that way, doesn’t mean she shouldn’t, and her emotions are valid, just as yours are.
I’m sorry your DP doesn’t give you presents and cards.

This is a huge miscommunication problem. You have clear expectations for what is acceptable as a gift for Valentines/Birthday/Christmas. You need to tell your partner in advance what you expect to happen so that you are not disappointed.
Both my OH and I do this. OH has Aspergers and cannot do surprises unless he has a ‘guide’ to follow. So, I tell him what I’d like to happen and he knows what to do.
i cannot hope he will guess what I would like as it would just never happen. Also, it’s the same vice versa in that if I was to surprise him with something that he doesn’t like, he will tell me straight and I would have to return whatever I’ve bought. He cannot see the ‘kind thought’ behind the intention and just put a smile on so not to hurt the other persons feelings.

Some posters are saying over and over the bar's too low.
What does that even mean unless you're saying that you have no room for tolerance for those you love.
Set the bar high, and expect a hell of a lot more, poor guy well I bet that's the last time he tries to surprise OP with a nice Valentine's /anniversary gift
How high did you want him to jump?
Thank you for your ahem sympathy but I require none.
After years of living with my DH and knowing what a good person he is, I'm okay living without presents.
I was a little hurt in the beginning, but I guess I've just learned not to be as needy and materialistic.
What a waste of a day, I'm off to the pub with my DH and it's not even my birthday.

That isn’t what that phrase means. It means people set their bar too low in what they accept from a relationship.
It doesn’t say anything about what I expect in a relationship, although I would expect someone to hear what I say, and respond to it, as I would and should do for them.

Plus, there is no such thing as ‘needy’.
There are needs, and there are unmet needs, and why should we not have needs.
we ARE allowed.

All this fuss over Valentine's Day which honestly is just a commercial affair.

This, and I'm also slightly thrown by "my most recent ex" - would that be your child's father?

Maybe take a break from dating for a while.

He didn't wait to reveal the gift at 1am. He'd left it there while they had their takeaway but OP was too tired/snug to go to the kitchen where she would've found the surprise. If it helps OP, I didn't realise it was Valentine's Day until the next day when I went to the shops and all the lovey stuff was being sold at knockdown prices. It's just another day. If he's otherwise a nice guy, cut him some slack and don't bring your issues from a previous relationship to this one. Get some therapy.

Have you totally missed the point that that poster is trying to make? 😬

Bloody hell, what a drama over nothing.

If you're letting your past relationships affect your present ones, you shouldn't be in one.

There were presents the OP didn't find them even though she was prompted to go to the room they were in, why he didn't insist or eventually give them to her directly I don't know. He should have been more direct, a bit of an idiot, but I don't see any malice. And he was upset that she was upset, sounds like a decent bloke really.

And that isn't what the ex did, the ex didn't get anything until he got told off for not getting anything a totally different scenario.

sounds like a decent bloke really.

Yeah. Don’t we all long for a man who goes to sleep in another room when we’re upset.

Tbf he didn't. He prompted OP to go to the kitchen and take his plate but she would nt.
Card/ gift giving is such a tiny part of a relationship OP, communication is key. It's never too late to leave his house either, if you don't want to be there.

The mind games would be a no for me. You were set up to fail

Unless you realise that gist giving, spending money, making big shows of nonsense, are not indicators of affection?
Sadly, you seem to need such gestures to validate your emotions and those who are supposed to love you. This sets you up for constant disappointment.
A walk and takeaway is delightful. Time together, not in a crowded cinema with thousands of others playiing Valentines.
Please get a grip. Don't be that whiney me, mem, meeeeee person!

Oh the drama! Glad i read this now, if i read it las night I would never have slept!

But why was he doing that? Why didn’t he giver her the gift ?

I think you both sound like you’re 15 years old and in your first relationship to be honest. You both seem to lack emotional intelligence.

You seem to have a lot of exes, how old is your child? Being in relationships doesnt seem to make you happy and isnt healthy for your son to have a revolving door of men in his life.

The fake out was cruel, given you already said you didnt like it, so just another reason to end it.

How manipulative and mean, especially knowing your history and the fact that he did the same at Christmas and it wasn’t well received.

@Doodleflips Thank you for explaining the "high/low bar" analogy. You're right, I should have simply said that OP set the bar a bit too high in this situation. If we can take OP's words at face-value, and really none of us know the true dynamics between the pair of them.
After all, her subject is "Valentine Drama", a one-off situation, which she, and others, perceived as a very cruel trick to play on OP.
My feeling is that DPs only fault in this situation is that he failed to 'present' the presents to OP himself. Unfortunately for him, he felt to surprise her would have been more fun for her. No one likes to be surprised, right? DP knows this now.
I betting all is well now with OP; teddy bear sitting pride of place, watching over OP and DP as they sip the wine and sample the chocolates as they celebrate one year of ( hopefully some) happiness.

Anyway, I was preparing for being attacked, and you responded to me very reasonably, and I thank you for that.
Too many times on MN threads, posters find it cathartic to rip those with opposing opinions to shreds for offering their thoughts on something that really, no one really knows the true details of.

Yes, thank you for clearing that travesity up for me 🥵 My general comment stands otherwise, but obviously not to the sarcastic pp who I was agreeing with.

This

You don’t sound like you even like each other. Counselling for you might be an idea. You are clearly looking for something fundamental from a relationship that has nothing to do with the person you are with. You will unhappily bounce from person to person until you get your own head together.

After having similar issues I completely understand how you are feeling.

My husband used to be good with gifts and has slowly changed and it’s like he can’t be bothered.

It’s not about expensive gifts it’s about thought.

my husband for our anniversary said he didn’t get me a card he forgot. After the last few occasions he has had chance to improve I was devastated. Even thinking about divorce. I was so upset, he actually did have a card just hadn’t wrote it yet. It ruined the day.

I would say though that it’s up to you if you give him one more chance but if you do make sure it is the last or it’s years of upset and hurt.