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AIBU?

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Original poster

to be fed up with dh for not admitting that it's hard to be a sahm?

356 replies

PTA · 09/05/2008 11:04

Long story short, went for a walk on Monday and fell hurting my ankle, went to A&E not broken just very badly sprained, stay off it for 48hrs and no driving.

DH had to take this week off to help with the boys or they were going to miss everything that the normally do. Tuesday ok as quiet day, he enjoyed Wednesday as he got to go to DS2 Downs group, yesterday was really hectic with mothers and toddlers for DH2 and gymnastics for DH1. We also had to enrol DS1 at school, do some shopping and there was and Open University information day that I was really keen to pop into. And then we went to see DH's grandparents.

You would think that he has been having to look after 200 and not two children!!! And I've been helping. He thinks he is hard done by and when I said "welcome to my world" he said that I had it easy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I could kill him. He just doesn't listen and when I pointed out that I do everything that he has been doing plus all the things like cooking and seeing to the washing that I've still been doing he said that I was used to it and while that's true it doesn't make it any easier.

He is away to do the two lots of swimming lessons this morning and you should have seen his face when I explained the timetable.

9.00 take DS1 to nursey

9.30 be in the pool with DS2

10.00 lesson ends, get DS2 washed and dressed and bring back to me

11.15 pick DS1 up

11.30 get DS1 to the pool for his lesson

And I fed DS2 for him, got out DS1 clothes and packed both the swimmingbags!!!!!!!!!!!!

He has also been let off lightly because the weather has been so good. DS1 was pottering about in the garden Tuesday and Wednesday afternoon and did not need amusing or want to got to the park, etc.

But what really, really gets to me is that, despite all this, he won't say, "Good job" or "I don't know how you do this" or anything nice about it. He genuinely thinks that I have it easy and that he has the tough job moving papers about his desk. And I know that he is finding it difficult to cope, so why can't he admit that it's not the easy option staying at home?

On the plus side, it has made me realise that I am going to have to be more careful and loose weight. I hate to think about how things would be if I was laid up for longer and while he was great when DS2 was born and for 9weeks in hospital, but I was always about and my family chipped in and helped.

I know part of it is down to my control freakery but would it really kill him to acknowledge that it is hard to be at home all day?

OP posts:
TheFallenMadonna · 09/05/2008 16:25

I do have an easy time of it compared with DH. I only have one still at home, and she goes to preschool four mornings a week. It's marvellous.

Fortunately, DH isn't into any competitive "who has it harder?" stuff. That is what I don't get. I suppose it happens when people are unhappy with what they are doing. Luckily for us at the moment, he is happy and I am happy. So who is working harder is irrelevant.

VictorianSqualor · 09/05/2008 16:25

Crikey is this still going on?
I had to go and do the school run, soo stressful.

Did someone mention the pub?? Let's go.

dittany · 09/05/2008 16:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheFallenMadonna · 09/05/2008 16:26

Interesting that you see DH as the boss there UQD. You could of course have said "present at a partners' meeting at the end of the week" - but you didn't...

Ledodgy · 09/05/2008 16:26

*territorial

UnquietDad · 09/05/2008 16:27

of course I'm not seriously suggesting people should do timesheets. Go back and read what I was saying - that's the whole point. I'm making a distinction between different expectations.

dittany - yes, but what do they DO between 9.00 and 3.20?!

micci25 · 09/05/2008 16:28

no he isnt like this all the time usually when he is off work he makes it out of bed by lunch time! lol but i do get sleeps in now and then and he gets up! he is trying to help more with the housework but imo what he is doing is not enough, dont want to discourage him though!

i think he is just feeling sorry for himself right now but he is an arse when it comes to the housework and childcare, i.e. he requires payment of a takeaway if i have a night out, for babysitting, as i am neglecting his needs by not staying and making tea! but he is getting better on this front and so long as i am paying for my oown night out i dont get moaned at as much. as far as the housework if its not done then it is 'me' who has not done it not 'us' and there has been more than a few times i have been called a fat lazy cow and told that his sis can cope with kids and housework and her house is immaculate so why cant i?!!

having complained about all that though he did take on dd1 of his own accord which i am gratefull for and he isnt violent or abusive and has been getting better lately

Ledodgy · 09/05/2008 16:28

Can I just say my friend has come round to pick her dd up, she'd been shopping with her dp and her 2 year old son. Her 2 year old son had a tantrum in the middle of the shop and her dp has gone back to work 'for a break' before she goes out later. It made me chuckle given today's discussion.

UnquietDad · 09/05/2008 16:29

Yes, bait risen to - I put that in because it's clear that some of you do see DH as the boss whether you like it or not.

It's clear to me from this topic (which comes up again and again) that people don't do enough talking about what their expectations of the arrangement are.

conniedescending · 09/05/2008 16:29

Micci, your partner sounds dreadful.....thats perhaps your issue not the sahm part. When my DH is home he takes equal share of whatever needs doing, be that childcare or chores. He never ever critisises the state of the house and is always greatful if I have washed his work shirts or cooked him a meal. Equallyhe doesn't expect me to do either.

I don't feel 'undervalued by society' (wtf?)and more than I felt 'valued by society' by going to work. SAHP is not a job, it's pointless tryingto advocate it is because it isnt. We are just a simple family trying to have a happy life. I just cannot get my head around all the talk of hardship and stress in doing a few chores and caring for your children.

zippitippitoes · 09/05/2008 16:29

standing at the school gate is stresfyul? lol

PosieParker · 09/05/2008 16:30

UQD, what was your point? I have reread and still don't get it.
How is it clear DH is boss?

dittany · 09/05/2008 16:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pagwatch · 09/05/2008 16:30

Are you serious
You get called a fat lazy cow?

I can't blieve people who are supposed to love each other talk to each other like that. Am I from another planet?

VictorianSqualor · 09/05/2008 16:31

I thought UQD'd comment that said "Maybe it has different ones." was pretty true tbh.

A SAHP's job is less structured around things, all we really have to do is feed them, obviously we do a hell of a lot more than this but nothing would happen if we didn't.

TheFallenMadonna · 09/05/2008 16:31

Well, your last sentence I would completely agree with UQD.

zippitippitoes · 09/05/2008 16:32

that wasnt to vs by the way but dittany

"
You sound a bit criticial of those "non-working mums" (yet they are standing at the school gate waiting for their kids - that's work)."

no it isnt not imo

pagwatch · 09/05/2008 16:32

ummm - he calls you a fat lazy cow but isn't abusive?

dittany · 09/05/2008 16:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scanner · 09/05/2008 16:33

I was a sahm for years and only returned to work in the last few months. I think being a sahm can be hard work depending on number and age of children. The baby years are easy, toddler years hard then it gets easy again when they start going to nursery a couple of mornings a week.

What is hard is the lack of mental stimulation.

I would say that now that I'm working (part-time-ish) that life is a lot harder, but also a lot more fulfilling.

PosieParker · 09/05/2008 16:33

I don;t think there's hardship but we all like to feel valued, I expect to be and I have a cleaner a couple of times and week and just one at home now, with another on the way, but I do expect to be appreciated. Aside from the blip in another thread my dp does love the fact that I am raising his childre and values it. Before anyone rams the other thread down my throat I am aware of the contradiction!!

TheFallenMadonna · 09/05/2008 16:33

Well, it is work zippi, in that it has to be done. Pretty easy as work goes IMO. But nevertheless...

UnquietDad · 09/05/2008 16:33

I'm not saying DH is boss. I'm saying some people are discussing the issue as if he is - as if he's the one who is "managing" you and is going to tell you off or dock your pay if he comes in and finds things less than perfect. If you are lucky enough to be the one not having to go out to paid work - and it is lucky - you're the manager of the house, so take control. Set clear boundaries.

It's not as if it is like an office/classroom /shop/factory job where you have to report to a manager and account for your time and justify your salary.

There's no OfSAHM coming into inspect you, and no annual review.

UnquietDad · 09/05/2008 16:34

I'm not sure how the golf course is relevant.

Ledodgy · 09/05/2008 16:34

'I expect to be and I have a cleaner a couple of times and week and just one at home now, with another on the way, but I do expect to be appreciated.' Lol Posie that sounds like you have alot of cleaners.

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