Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be fed up with dh for not admitting that it's hard to be a sahm?

356 replies

PTA · 09/05/2008 11:04

Long story short, went for a walk on Monday and fell hurting my ankle, went to A&E not broken just very badly sprained, stay off it for 48hrs and no driving.

DH had to take this week off to help with the boys or they were going to miss everything that the normally do. Tuesday ok as quiet day, he enjoyed Wednesday as he got to go to DS2 Downs group, yesterday was really hectic with mothers and toddlers for DH2 and gymnastics for DH1. We also had to enrol DS1 at school, do some shopping and there was and Open University information day that I was really keen to pop into. And then we went to see DH's grandparents.

You would think that he has been having to look after 200 and not two children!!! And I've been helping. He thinks he is hard done by and when I said "welcome to my world" he said that I had it easy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I could kill him. He just doesn't listen and when I pointed out that I do everything that he has been doing plus all the things like cooking and seeing to the washing that I've still been doing he said that I was used to it and while that's true it doesn't make it any easier.

He is away to do the two lots of swimming lessons this morning and you should have seen his face when I explained the timetable.

9.00 take DS1 to nursey

9.30 be in the pool with DS2

10.00 lesson ends, get DS2 washed and dressed and bring back to me

11.15 pick DS1 up

11.30 get DS1 to the pool for his lesson

And I fed DS2 for him, got out DS1 clothes and packed both the swimmingbags!!!!!!!!!!!!

He has also been let off lightly because the weather has been so good. DS1 was pottering about in the garden Tuesday and Wednesday afternoon and did not need amusing or want to got to the park, etc.

But what really, really gets to me is that, despite all this, he won't say, "Good job" or "I don't know how you do this" or anything nice about it. He genuinely thinks that I have it easy and that he has the tough job moving papers about his desk. And I know that he is finding it difficult to cope, so why can't he admit that it's not the easy option staying at home?

On the plus side, it has made me realise that I am going to have to be more careful and loose weight. I hate to think about how things would be if I was laid up for longer and while he was great when DS2 was born and for 9weeks in hospital, but I was always about and my family chipped in and helped.

I know part of it is down to my control freakery but would it really kill him to acknowledge that it is hard to be at home all day?

OP posts:
Lazycow · 09/05/2008 15:58

I will also go back to a point I have made in the past that if you are a SAHM who chooses to keep being one but who finds it hard, then the worst you will suffer is feeling undervalued having some people jusdge you as lazy or unproductive etc (note I didn't say I think this because I don't).

If you are a WOHM, the judgements made about your choice are much worse in that they are about you being a 'bad mother'and damaging your children in some way.

I know which judgement I prefer (the first one) and if I could possible live with being a SAHM I would but I just cannot. I know that.

Lazycow · 09/05/2008 15:59

I do agree it is work absolutely

Ledodgy · 09/05/2008 16:00

Oh I do think people judge wohm and sahm and believe it or not i've had the opposite LC and people have suggested my children maybe suffering because they don't go to nursery.

MsSparkle · 09/05/2008 16:01

It's not the same as a job in sense of; pay, holiday allowance, sick leave, other benefits. It does have the same aspects as most jobs though like; tiredness, stress, worry, up and downs, pleasure, rewards, boredom. It's certainly work imo, not always bad work and not always good work but still work.

DaDaDa · 09/05/2008 16:01

But it's fair to equate the value of the tasks that a SAHP does for the household and children with what a CM/Nanny/Housekeeper would charge, isn't it?

It has a monetary value to the household, and it's therefore reasonable to expect that to be appreciated by your partner if they work outside the home, if only on a 'we are saving 10k worth of CM fees' level.

Ledodgy · 09/05/2008 16:01

I'd like a union though.

DaDaDa · 09/05/2008 16:03

Obviously you'd have be pretty cold to weigh it up like that if you're thinking about your partner. But at least you'd be acknowledging the contribution!

dittany · 09/05/2008 16:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lazycow · 09/05/2008 16:04

But ledodgy that is so patently untrue it is laughable. I use a nursery 4 days a week but I know that in truth this is too many hours for ds.

Most children have no need for nursery though I think some can enjoy a bit of it.

In truth many parents (even SAHM) use nurseries because it suits them and the children most probably do enjoy it as well. It is however patently not 'necessary' for the development of children.

Ledodgy · 09/05/2008 16:05

You are so right Dittany that is my pet hate. It's like when people say 'oh is dp babysitting tonight then?' No he isn't fecking babysitting he's looking after his own children!

MsSparkle · 09/05/2008 16:05

Lazycow there was a thread on here a few weeks back about SAHMs and how we are damaging our children by being SAHMs too So working mums aren't alone in that judgement.

Ledodgy · 09/05/2008 16:06

Mothers get it from all angles no matter what we do it can never be enough.

MsSparkle · 09/05/2008 16:09

Ledodgy you are right and it really doesn't help the fact the it's mainly mothers who judge sahms Not fathers in most cases. Women are their own worst enemy

dittany · 09/05/2008 16:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MsSparkle · 09/05/2008 16:12

I was going by reasent posts.

MsSparkle · 09/05/2008 16:13

recent

Quattrocento · 09/05/2008 16:14

Dittany you said

It's funny how people think it's the mother's job to stay at home and look after her children (hence the slagging off that WHOMs get) but when women stay at home and do it they also get slagged off for "having it easy" or being lazy.

Nobody thinks fathers who go out to work are damaging their children and if a man takes care of his kids he's a bloomin' hero even if he does it really badly ("Her standards are just too high, tut tut").

I agree with you wholeheartedly but I think this is because we live in a more patriarchal society than we think we do. We imagine we have freedom, but I am not sure how much freedom we have in truth

micci25 · 09/05/2008 16:16

okay so here is why being a sahm can be harder a lot of the time. dp got up at 3:00pm today as is v hung over due to work night! i get no work nights out as i dont work and therefore dont have workmates! in fact i have hardly any mates as i dont seem to have the time to catch up with them!

i didnt mind this as i doesnt happen that much so when he got up he was offered a sarnie and cuppa! he walked into kitchen half way through sarnie and went off on one coz the kitchen is not clean enough for him so he will make his own sarnie as i am obv a dirty cow who cant be bothered to clean up!!

whilst eating our sarnies dd1 required dd2's high chair nmoving which i had to get up and do as he is still ill apparently!

i cant remember the last time i had a night out that made me so ill but then i dont earn my own money so how could i afford such a night out anyway? he earns the money and ius therefore entitled to treat himself with some it

Mercy · 09/05/2008 16:18

Part of the problem is that in many cases the SAHM is often acting as an unnoticed/taken for granted support role to the WOTHP.

It does in this house anyway

zippitippitoes · 09/05/2008 16:19

micci

that isnt a problem of being a sahm

that is aproblem of being in a relationship with an arse

hopefully he isnt like this all the time tho

UnquietDad · 09/05/2008 16:20

Fair distinction being made, I think, between "job" and "work". Looking after children is a kind of work. But it doesn't have the same structures and pressures as "job" work. Maybe it has different ones. But how would SAHMs react if they were asked to do

Timesheets
Reports
Expenditure Records

etc etc

and present them to the "boss" (DH) at a weekly meeting?

It is hard having very little ones around and constantly demanding. I think it gets easier when they go to nursery and/or school. I look at the non-working mums of Y3s at the school gate and wonder what the hell they do all day. I refuse to believe they spend 6 hours cleaning, washing and cooking.

PosieParker · 09/05/2008 16:20

Micci, you need to have words with your partner.

Ledodgy · 09/05/2008 16:23

I think being a sahm makes you quite terretorial over the house too tbh. As I do the majority of the housework it pisses me off if dp comes in and makes a mess silly things like leaving a dirty plate on the side when he could put it in the dishwasher himself or making himself a sandwich and leaving the lids off everything. Small things I know but these things build up. His point of view is probably that he comes in after a hard day at work and he'll clear up when he feels like it. I ask him how he would like it if I came into his work and messed his desk up. The lines for a sahm are very merged. You basically see your other half when he's come home from work in my dp's case after a bastard commute so not in the best of moods and I am there to greet him covered in baby sick, toddler at my ankles and a five year old being a bloody teenager ready to tear my hair out. It's so easy to take it out on each other no one has it easy they are both hard in different ways and it's accepting this which can be difficult.

Mercy · 09/05/2008 16:24

Of course being a SAHP has structures and pressures.

PosieParker · 09/05/2008 16:25

Unquietdad, are you trying to be ridiculous? Why would you ask for timesheets etc? That's like saying do your work whilst sweeping the floor, breastfeeding a baby and entertaining a toddler, how would WOHDs react to this?

Although I do agree with those women who's children go to school and do nothing all day.

Swipe left for the next trending thread