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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Group of friends never travel to me?

163 replies

Coldandfedup456 · 15/02/2025 07:42

I know this is quite a common issue, but I just don't feel valued at all. I have a group of around 7 female friends I've known since college/uni and none of them have any interest in visiting me, none whatsoever.

I know people will cite anxiety, work, kids etc. But it's been years and they haven't visited once, just no excuse. I bought a house about 6 months ago and have tried to give dates for a housewarming a few times.
I messaged the group chat 4 days ago saying people were welcome to come round whenever and out of 7 not one person has replied or even given a thumbs up. I'm not saying they all have to jump for joy but it's just clear they can't be bothered.
Prior to this I lived in another house for 2 years and they never saw it. I've been to them plenty of times and have been very accommodating regarding their children and so on.

Over the years I've spent a fortune I don't have on baby showers, weddings, hens and so on. I travelled a couple of hours to see one in November and she didn't even offer me a coffee or anything, maybe I sound entitled but I didn't have to go out of my way.

I got a kitten too and again no interest from them in seeing it. Maybe they don't like cats but I'm sure not all 7 of them feel the same and many of them have had cats previously. I'd understand if it were a snake or something they might be afraid of but I just think when youre friends with someone you can at least try to show a little bit of interest and care.

Maybe I sound entitled. I have previously brought this up with them and they offered to meet me somewhere halfway but it just never happened. I'm willing to give months of notice, I just don't believe they don't have one afternoon ever in their lives. I'm an hour's drive tops but so are they for me if not further. Even if they said they'd meet me 30 mins away I'd appreciate the effort but it just doesn't happen.

I guess not much I can do but I just don't feel valued at all. I'm sure people will say oh they don't care you bought a house etc. But I was expected to care for all their life events and I did because I wanted to. What should I do? I just feel like they don't really care.

OP posts:
Dogthespot · 15/02/2025 07:43

none of them have any interest in visiting me, none whatsoever.

but they all travel to others?

Dogthespot · 15/02/2025 07:44

Op it doesn’t sound like they regard you as a close friend, not even remotely. And that’s not their fault, it’s no one’s fault.

but you see the relationship as much closer than they do

Original poster
Coldandfedup456 · 15/02/2025 07:45

Dogthespot · 15/02/2025 07:43

none of them have any interest in visiting me, none whatsoever.

but they all travel to others?

Yeah, they've been to some of their houses before. But it's also that I was expected to fork out for all their events, and when I try to invite them to a housewarming which will not cost them anything more than petrol they just can't be bothered.

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 15/02/2025 07:45

I wouldn’t travel to see a house or a kitten either.
Why don’t you try not messaging them, and see if they contact you?

Dogthespot · 15/02/2025 07:45

? I just feel like they don't really care.

and perhaps they don’t
you can’t force people to care op

Dogthespot · 15/02/2025 07:46

Coldandfedup456 · 15/02/2025 07:45

Yeah, they've been to some of their houses before. But it's also that I was expected to fork out for all their events, and when I try to invite them to a housewarming which will not cost them anything more than petrol they just can't be bothered.

Show quote history

They invite you. You could decline.

Original poster
Coldandfedup456 · 15/02/2025 07:46

Dogthespot · 15/02/2025 07:44

Op it doesn’t sound like they regard you as a close friend, not even remotely. And that’s not their fault, it’s no one’s fault.

but you see the relationship as much closer than they do

Edited

I've known them for almost 15 years, now mid 30s and many have or are having kids, married etc.

However prior to kids it was the same. I know I need to be a bit more selfish and just stop bothering. Tbh I don't even know why they don't just make their own new group chat and stop bothering with me.

OP posts:
WombatStewForTea · 15/02/2025 07:46

In the nicest way, are you as close as you think? They don't seem to have much interest in keeping the friendship going. Do the rest all live close together and you've moved away? Or do they travel to each other?

Original poster
Coldandfedup456 · 15/02/2025 07:47

DustyLee123 · 15/02/2025 07:45

I wouldn’t travel to see a house or a kitten either.
Why don’t you try not messaging them, and see if they contact you?

They were invited to a housewarming party. If I was I'd make the effort

OP posts:
Dogthespot · 15/02/2025 07:47

Coldandfedup456 · 15/02/2025 07:47

They were invited to a housewarming party. If I was I'd make the effort

Show quote history

For someone I cared about, yes

DustyLee123 · 15/02/2025 07:47

Coldandfedup456 · 15/02/2025 07:47

They were invited to a housewarming party. If I was I'd make the effort

Show quote history

But that’s you, not them.

Dogthespot · 15/02/2025 07:48

Do you work op? Have other friends?

Original poster
Coldandfedup456 · 15/02/2025 07:48

We all live about an hour tops from each other in different directions. I know i wasn't forced to go to their events but I thought I wouldn't be a very good friend if I didn't. We're currently planning another event for them in the summer.
I get it's 'only' a house and a kitten as PP has implied but it's still things that are important to me.

OP posts:
Dogthespot · 15/02/2025 07:49

Coldandfedup456 · 15/02/2025 07:48

We all live about an hour tops from each other in different directions. I know i wasn't forced to go to their events but I thought I wouldn't be a very good friend if I didn't. We're currently planning another event for them in the summer.
I get it's 'only' a house and a kitten as PP has implied but it's still things that are important to me.

Op quite simply, they do not regard you as a close friend.

Sure they’ll invite you to the odd event, but beyond that? No

Original poster
Coldandfedup456 · 15/02/2025 07:50

I invited them for a bbq in my old house and nobody came. Tbh maybe it's futile me posting this as apparently they shouldn't be expected to attend a housewarming .. sadly I'm not engaged/married/pregnant so I guess there's nothing worth making the effort for, that's how it sounds.

OP posts:
Original poster
Coldandfedup456 · 15/02/2025 07:52

I have tried not messaging them. After a while someone will post 'does anybody fancy meeting up soon?'
Then it'll be the usual high end restaurant suggestion. I have been to visit them individually where they live to, I'd love it if just once, just one day, someone told me they were coming to visit me. But it'll never happen. I also moved to a new city and again no interest from them in seeing it.

OP posts:
Finallybackinbootcuts · 15/02/2025 07:52

You’ve made your point Dogthespot

Moonnstars · 15/02/2025 07:53

I would look for new friends. They have clearly grown apart from you and don't see you as a close friend or one worth bothering about. Stop inviting them to things as that only makes you feel worse when they don't respond, and try and make new friends, join a club or something.

Original poster
Coldandfedup456 · 15/02/2025 07:54

Moonnstars · 15/02/2025 07:53

I would look for new friends. They have clearly grown apart from you and don't see you as a close friend or one worth bothering about. Stop inviting them to things as that only makes you feel worse when they don't respond, and try and make new friends, join a club or something.

I actually left a WhatsApp group with them a couple of years ago, for some reason they invited me back on and I accepted.

I'm fortunate to have made some new friends from my job here, and my boyfriend, but I know that there'll soon be another baby shower, hen etc. And I'll be expected to go.
I know I'm being taken for a mug, maybe I should just decline the invite?
I guess I'm afraid of just losing all their friendship.

OP posts:
Eenameenadeeka · 15/02/2025 07:55

Have you got other friends to invite? Or maybe you could try and join some groups or meet some neighbors in your new area. It's a shame that you've put lots of effort in and they aren't returning it, but perhaps it's time to try and meet some new friends who are more willing or able to spend time together.

Dogthespot · 15/02/2025 07:57

Finallybackinbootcuts · 15/02/2025 07:52

You’ve made your point Dogthespot

But the op is doggedly blaming people for not liking her as much as she likes them

Original poster
Coldandfedup456 · 15/02/2025 07:57

Eenameenadeeka · 15/02/2025 07:55

Have you got other friends to invite? Or maybe you could try and join some groups or meet some neighbors in your new area. It's a shame that you've put lots of effort in and they aren't returning it, but perhaps it's time to try and meet some new friends who are more willing or able to spend time together.

Thanks, I've recently joined a meetup group so will see how that goes.
I know I'm just repeatedly making a fool of myself by inviting them to mine/where I live. They have no interest in coming and I'm coming across as a pushover.

OP posts:
Frostingle · 15/02/2025 07:58

Gently @Coldandfedup456 you need to move on from this group. You are more invested in them than they are in you.

I wouldn't travel an hour or more to go to a bbq, or housewarming either. Weddings and Christenings are different. They are very much meant to be once in a lifetime events. Even then it would only be for family and the closest friends.

Make new connections locally, in whatever way you can. You're self esteem is going to get worse by continuing to hold onto friends from over a decade ago especially when you don't share the same experiences.

Nothitrockbottomyet · 15/02/2025 07:59

Dogthespot · 15/02/2025 07:57

But the op is doggedly blaming people for not liking her as much as she likes them

Show quote history

I don't see OP blaming anyone: she is hurt and perplexed by their behaviour.

Original poster
Coldandfedup456 · 15/02/2025 07:59

But it's baby showers, hens etc. And I am always expected to travel over an hour. I've travelled a couple of hours each time.
It really wouldn't kill them just once to travel to me, I'm not asking for it regularly, it's not a massive hardship.

OP posts:
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