Group of friends never travel to me?

[Coldandfedup456]

I know this is quite a common issue, but I just don't feel valued at all. I have a group of around 7 female friends I've known since college/uni and none of them have any interest in visiting me, none whatsoever.

I know people will cite anxiety, work, kids etc. But it's been years and they haven't visited once, just no excuse. I bought a house about 6 months ago and have tried to give dates for a housewarming a few times.
I messaged the group chat 4 days ago saying people were welcome to come round whenever and out of 7 not one person has replied or even given a thumbs up. I'm not saying they all have to jump for joy but it's just clear they can't be bothered.
Prior to this I lived in another house for 2 years and they never saw it. I've been to them plenty of times and have been very accommodating regarding their children and so on.

Over the years I've spent a fortune I don't have on baby showers, weddings, hens and so on. I travelled a couple of hours to see one in November and she didn't even offer me a coffee or anything, maybe I sound entitled but I didn't have to go out of my way.

I got a kitten too and again no interest from them in seeing it. Maybe they don't like cats but I'm sure not all 7 of them feel the same and many of them have had cats previously. I'd understand if it were a snake or something they might be afraid of but I just think when youre friends with someone you can at least try to show a little bit of interest and care.

Maybe I sound entitled. I have previously brought this up with them and they offered to meet me somewhere halfway but it just never happened. I'm willing to give months of notice, I just don't believe they don't have one afternoon ever in their lives. I'm an hour's drive tops but so are they for me if not further. Even if they said they'd meet me 30 mins away I'd appreciate the effort but it just doesn't happen.

I guess not much I can do but I just don't feel valued at all. I'm sure people will say oh they don't care you bought a house etc. But I was expected to care for all their life events and I did because I wanted to. What should I do? I just feel like they don't really care.

Thanks, that's a good idea I'll give it a go. I have hobbies, I'm told I'm likeable,friendly etc. And kind and easy to talk to, it is definitely affecting my self esteem.

It’s not in any way your ‘fault’, it’s just that you again want more engagement with these people than they want. You messaged, she replied, so you messaged again, and are upset she didn’t reply again. You seem to constantly want more from this group, individually and collectively, than they are giving you.

But you can’t compel more engagement, OP. You can’t say ‘Oh, but I wouldn’t dream of not going to X’s hen party or not replying to Y’s text’ and compel other people to adopt your same model of friendship. Clearly these people want less engagement. The are happy to invite you to things, but are not sufficiently engaged to travel to see you. They’re happy to reply to your text, but not to keep a longer conversation going. We don’t know why, but it’s irrelevant really. Or do you honestly think they would travel to your baby shower or hen party or wedding?

Tbh I'd be pretty upset if they didn't come to my wedding etc. If it came to that. That said I'm not really likely to have a hen party. But that would show me clearly they did not value me at all and would hurt.

But are these people you would ask to be bridesmaids etc?

I wasn’t aware you had to be someone’s close friend to consider visiting them but perhaps it’s an age thing. The older you get the more you CBA.

I'm not sure why you would be inviting people who don't seem to care for you to your wedding anyway.

Move on.

I get it OP. Save your energy on the new work friends 🧡

But if it's a group of 7, there are 6 others to visit alongside all the other family commitments, kids activities etc. Something's always gotta give. I agree with PP about the level of commitment just being out of whack, not innately wrong. OP messaged friend. Friend sent nice reply. OP replied. No reply. OP takes this to heart rather than sees it as enough. They are her friends but not enough for the level OP wants, so she needs to find that elsewhere. It doesn't mean this group don't like her. It's just clear what their limit is and it's not enough for the OP. As I said, 7 is a big group. Not everyone will be in the thick of things.

There are some strange responses here. Most people put themselves out a little for a friend, spend some money on them and do things to support them.

YANBU op. It could be strange group dynamics where you’ve been designated the slight outcast, the others feel closer because you’re the friend on the edge of the group. What was your friendship like at uni?

Or it could be they think they are more mature now they’ve got married and had kids. This often stems from a jealousy that you don’t have the demands of kids and they miss their old lives. I’ve experienced this a lot from friends with babies (despite having older teens myself and spending my early 20’s parenting). They resent your lifestyle and become quite spiteful about other people.

yeah people are getting way too fixated on the housewarming
Since when does there have to be a massive reason or celebration to visit a friend? If a 'housewarming' isn't a big enough reason to come and meet up with a friend, what is? If wedding/baby are the only two things 'big' enough to warrant a catch up then surely most people wouldn't see their friends more than three times during a lifetime! Surely you can hear how nonsensical that is!

I go over friends' houses just for a takeaway/coffee, as it's cheaper/easier when someone can't get a babysitter!

Erm where are the pictures of the kitten? You are very unreasonable not to have posted a picture. I need kitten pictures, or else I could come and visit you

I wouldn't leave the chat group.

I just would just mute and archive the chat and fade from their view. No drama. Stop trying and no effort.

Don't go to any events they hold and if asked, say politely you can't make it and apologies.

Stop giving them your energy. It's really hurtful when people don't reciprocate your care and attention. But you have to stop expecting them to change. They won't. You'll just keep on getting hurt. Be kinder to yourself and stop trying to get responses out of these people.

I'm sorry op. I hope you develop better friendships.