Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Group of friends never travel to me?

163 replies

Coldandfedup456 · 15/02/2025 07:42

I know this is quite a common issue, but I just don't feel valued at all. I have a group of around 7 female friends I've known since college/uni and none of them have any interest in visiting me, none whatsoever.

I know people will cite anxiety, work, kids etc. But it's been years and they haven't visited once, just no excuse. I bought a house about 6 months ago and have tried to give dates for a housewarming a few times.
I messaged the group chat 4 days ago saying people were welcome to come round whenever and out of 7 not one person has replied or even given a thumbs up. I'm not saying they all have to jump for joy but it's just clear they can't be bothered.
Prior to this I lived in another house for 2 years and they never saw it. I've been to them plenty of times and have been very accommodating regarding their children and so on.

Over the years I've spent a fortune I don't have on baby showers, weddings, hens and so on. I travelled a couple of hours to see one in November and she didn't even offer me a coffee or anything, maybe I sound entitled but I didn't have to go out of my way.

I got a kitten too and again no interest from them in seeing it. Maybe they don't like cats but I'm sure not all 7 of them feel the same and many of them have had cats previously. I'd understand if it were a snake or something they might be afraid of but I just think when youre friends with someone you can at least try to show a little bit of interest and care.

Maybe I sound entitled. I have previously brought this up with them and they offered to meet me somewhere halfway but it just never happened. I'm willing to give months of notice, I just don't believe they don't have one afternoon ever in their lives. I'm an hour's drive tops but so are they for me if not further. Even if they said they'd meet me 30 mins away I'd appreciate the effort but it just doesn't happen.

I guess not much I can do but I just don't feel valued at all. I'm sure people will say oh they don't care you bought a house etc. But I was expected to care for all their life events and I did because I wanted to. What should I do? I just feel like they don't really care.

OP posts:
AlisonWhatIsTheMatter · 15/02/2025 14:32

Coldandfedup456 · 15/02/2025 11:06

I could definitely understand if they also didn't bother with each other anymore but I know they phone each other and so on.

Maybe it's just me but I cannot imagine being invited to a housewarming and not even replying? Not even 'I'll let you know' or even just a bloody thumbs up? I just would not do that

It’s rude to not even acknowledge your invite.

I would have to reply to my own invite ‘anyone’? possibly with a 🤣 emoji!

Dogthespot · 15/02/2025 14:38

on. I travelled a couple of hours to see one in November and she didn't even offer me a coffee or anything, maybe I sound entitled but I didn't have to go out of my way.

this friend did actually invite you or did you turn up unannounced?
and if she did Invite you, did she say come for a coffee, lunch? What?

Dogthespot · 15/02/2025 14:40

* I've been to them plenty of times and have been very accommodating regarding their children and so on.*

why would you need to accommodate their children when visiting them?

ValentineValentineV · 15/02/2025 14:40

Can I visit your kitten?

AlisonWhatIsTheMatter · 15/02/2025 14:43

@Dogthespot would you not find it hurtful if not one friend even acknowledged an invite you’d sent to a group chat? Even though you’d been invited to many gatherings by the same friends?

Fair enough if they can’t make it because of xyz, but to not even respond? Would this not bother you?

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/02/2025 14:44

The voting is completely different to the majority of replies which seem to delight in giving you a kicking.

Buying a house is very exciting to most people, irrespective of other life events, it’s normal among everyone I know to celebrate a house move. It’s not unreasonable to hope friends would celebrate that with you.

I think you know that despite making an effort to plan things with this group they’re not going to offer you the involvement or closeness you want so it’s great you have other people to socialise with. Invest in them 😊

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/02/2025 14:46

Dogthespot · 15/02/2025 14:40

* I've been to them plenty of times and have been very accommodating regarding their children and so on.*

why would you need to accommodate their children when visiting them?

I’m sure there are other posters you can berate on other threads, maybe give this one a break? You’ve made your point, repeatedly. You don’t post as someone who sets much store by friendships but that’s not OP’s problem.

Dogthespot · 15/02/2025 14:48

The voting is completely different to the majority of replies which seem to delight in giving you a kicking.

There is no kicking here for goodness sakes, no need to be so hyperbolic!

Dogthespot · 15/02/2025 14:49

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/02/2025 14:46

I’m sure there are other posters you can berate on other threads, maybe give this one a break? You’ve made your point, repeatedly. You don’t post as someone who sets much store by friendships but that’s not OP’s problem.

Show quote history

Bloomin heck ok
it was just a question 😵‍💫

Dogthespot · 15/02/2025 14:49

I have a wonderful small close of very good girlfriends of best part of three decades

pinkdelight · 15/02/2025 14:59

My take is that a group of 7 is pretty big, and an odd number too. It sounds like the others in the group are closer and that you don't have someone in the group who you're especially close to i.e. a best friend within the group. Therefore while you're seen as part of the group when they're doing group things - like of course they invite you to parties, hen nights etc and it'd be rude of them not to - you're not particularly close friends with any of them so not in touch as much as they are with each other. And with a group of 7, that's a lot of houses to go to so if anyone's going to be bottom of the list, it's the one that no one is closest to.

Hope that makes sense, I'm not sure I'm explaining it well, but essentially I don't think it's this group of 7 who all have an equal friendship. I think there's absolutely a group of 7 that you're included in, but there's also relationships within the other 6 that are closer and get priority over their relationship with you. It's not necessarily a mean and exclusionary thing. It's just numbers and who's naturally gravitated to each other. I'm in all kinds of friendship groups where I know I'm not core and am happy to go to their events but don't expect they'd come to my house or party if I invited them. I'd only expect my closest friends to come over who I do things one to one with and have that depth of relationship, whereas you're saying it's always been like this with the group at different life stages, so that is just how it is and they're not the ones to come see your kitten, never were and don't pretend to be so of course it's awkward to keep asking them. You don't have to feel 'expected' to do their stuff either if you don't want. If it's not fun for you, don't do it. But if they didn't invite you, that could hurt too.

LostittoBostik · 15/02/2025 14:59

Do you actually see them, in person, outside of these big life events? (Hens, weddings etc)

Do they see each other outside these events?

lap90 · 15/02/2025 15:19

OP have some pride and just leave it.

Stop messaging them, stop showing up for them, stop spending money on them and their kids etc.

Just leave them/the group and put your effort into other friendships and people who will show up for you.

InTheWild · 15/02/2025 15:36

I can see why it makes you feel shit, op, especially when you make an effort to visit them. It’s a strange one, they obviously like you enough that they keep inviting you to things, but they’re not making an effort to come see you & ignoring invites, which isn’t what good friends do.

If it was me, I would be declining invites they send in future, I would just stop making myself available for them.
The friendship is not making you feel good - focus your energies elsewhere, you will feel better in the long run.

gininthejar · 15/02/2025 15:37

I don’t think it’s about life events. I think if they valued your friendship they would make the effort. I would absolutely travel an hour to see a friend’s new house. (Though expecting them to want to visit a kitten is a bit unusual. That would be a pleasant extra, not a reason to travel).
Please don’t invite them again if they haven’t even bothered to reply, that is so rude.
I don’t mean this unkindly, but reading your post made me think of an old school friend. Because we’d all been friends forever, and in the same group, she would always be invited and included in things we did, but I personally never considered her a close friend. I just didn’t click with her as much. I think a lot of us felt the same. I suppose we weren’t really her tribe, but no one would have kicked her out of the group iykwim.
This was years ago now, and I lost touch with all but two of them. I know she still meets up with the others, but I hope she has other good friends in her life, as I don’t think she was ever a priority for those she stayed in touch with.

LoveHearts69 · 15/02/2025 15:43

Coldandfedup456 · 15/02/2025 11:24

I'm failing to understand this 'I definitely wouldn't travel an hour just to see someone's house' Can someone enlighten me?
I'm inviting them to a party at my home, not to come and stare at the wall.

I have a baby and toddler and the thought of travelling for an hour to someone's house who doesn't have children themselves would actually make me feel really stressed as it's more likely to have breakable things/be child unfriendly and I'd be worried the whole time about them 'behaving' etc.

I would say you've just drifted apart at this point in life, It's nothing personal but when you do have young children you tend to gravitate towards others who also do as you then feel much less pressure or judgement from those who understand just how consuming it really is.

Original poster
Coldandfedup456 · 15/02/2025 15:52

There's no pressure or judgement from me. As I said, I've been to their homes on many occasions because I know it's easier for them since they've got kids. However as I've said many times on the thread, it was the same before kids...

OP posts:
Lavenderblossoms · 15/02/2025 16:01

They are not your friends op.

True friendships give and take from each other. You're doing all the giving. Drop them and find people worth bothering with.

Original poster
Coldandfedup456 · 15/02/2025 16:08

I've messaged one asking how she's doing, how her wedding planning is going etc., sent a friendly reply then didn't reply to my next msg.
I'm just wondering what it is about me? I wouldn't say I'm needy, I don't expect to see them constantly and wouldn't want to either.
Maybe they just think we don't click or I'm not that interesting.

OP posts:
Mary46 · 15/02/2025 16:26

Let it go its sounds one sided friendships... op our friend moved out of Dublin. We visit her next month. We try and keep it fair she not always travelling. Maybe you outgrew these friends?

Frostingle · 15/02/2025 16:31

Coldandfedup456 · 15/02/2025 16:08

I've messaged one asking how she's doing, how her wedding planning is going etc., sent a friendly reply then didn't reply to my next msg.
I'm just wondering what it is about me? I wouldn't say I'm needy, I don't expect to see them constantly and wouldn't want to either.
Maybe they just think we don't click or I'm not that interesting.

Edited

Or maybe it's Saturday afternoon and she's planning a wedding and she's busy. She replied. She didn't ignore you.

You need to step back if this offends you so much.

My partner doesn't even reply to multiple messages in a row if he's busy.

Original poster
Coldandfedup456 · 15/02/2025 16:34

Frostingle · 15/02/2025 16:31

Or maybe it's Saturday afternoon and she's planning a wedding and she's busy. She replied. She didn't ignore you.

You need to step back if this offends you so much.

My partner doesn't even reply to multiple messages in a row if he's busy.

Show quote history

It's been several days

OP posts:
Original poster
Coldandfedup456 · 15/02/2025 16:36

I'm so over the whole 'busy', I have things too. However this is regular and it's my fault for messaging her so I won't be again.

OP posts:
PinkyFlamingo · 15/02/2025 16:44

Coldandfedup456 · 15/02/2025 07:59

But it's baby showers, hens etc. And I am always expected to travel over an hour. I've travelled a couple of hours each time.
It really wouldn't kill them just once to travel to me, I'm not asking for it regularly, it's not a massive hardship.

You aren't really listening to anyone OP. You don't need to go to anything but the main thing is they clearly don't see you as a close friend

Keroppi · 15/02/2025 16:45

Maube you get in there first with a firm thought out plan of a restaurant/event in between you all or in your city, different weekends suggested etc

And then if they cba then you know to drop them and let them know you're disappointed