Group of friends never travel to me?

[Coldandfedup456]

I know this is quite a common issue, but I just don't feel valued at all. I have a group of around 7 female friends I've known since college/uni and none of them have any interest in visiting me, none whatsoever.

I know people will cite anxiety, work, kids etc. But it's been years and they haven't visited once, just no excuse. I bought a house about 6 months ago and have tried to give dates for a housewarming a few times.
I messaged the group chat 4 days ago saying people were welcome to come round whenever and out of 7 not one person has replied or even given a thumbs up. I'm not saying they all have to jump for joy but it's just clear they can't be bothered.
Prior to this I lived in another house for 2 years and they never saw it. I've been to them plenty of times and have been very accommodating regarding their children and so on.

Over the years I've spent a fortune I don't have on baby showers, weddings, hens and so on. I travelled a couple of hours to see one in November and she didn't even offer me a coffee or anything, maybe I sound entitled but I didn't have to go out of my way.

I got a kitten too and again no interest from them in seeing it. Maybe they don't like cats but I'm sure not all 7 of them feel the same and many of them have had cats previously. I'd understand if it were a snake or something they might be afraid of but I just think when youre friends with someone you can at least try to show a little bit of interest and care.

Maybe I sound entitled. I have previously brought this up with them and they offered to meet me somewhere halfway but it just never happened. I'm willing to give months of notice, I just don't believe they don't have one afternoon ever in their lives. I'm an hour's drive tops but so are they for me if not further. Even if they said they'd meet me 30 mins away I'd appreciate the effort but it just doesn't happen.

I guess not much I can do but I just don't feel valued at all. I'm sure people will say oh they don't care you bought a house etc. But I was expected to care for all their life events and I did because I wanted to. What should I do? I just feel like they don't really care.

I could definitely understand if they also didn't bother with each other anymore but I know they phone each other and so on.

Maybe it's just me but I cannot imagine being invited to a housewarming and not even replying? Not even 'I'll let you know' or even just a bloody thumbs up? I just would not do that

They don’t want to make the effort, because for them you are a filler friend, a take it or leave it friend. It’s harsh to hear, but it’s true. You need to stop expecting them to fill your need for friendship because they won’t. You need to start looking elsewhere, join other groups and forge friendships in other places, then you will need this group of friends less and their actions will hurt less.

we have all been there, and it hurts, however focus on what you can change, and you can’t change them.

Also you come across a little needy, step away from them and see if they come to you.

Can you explain how I come across as needy? Honestly. By inviting them?

@Coldandfedup456 they don't regard you as a friend. Why don't you see that?

They're free to make a new WhatsApp group and stop inviting me to their weddings and so on but they don't, so?

I wouldn’t really go to a housewarming party, I remember my parents generation doing this, but I don’t think I’ve ever been invited to one, or heard of anyone having one.

I wouldn’t think of going to see a kitten either, sorry.

Did you move away, or did they?

nah, they probably would make the effort then, as they'd want to keep in with you in the hope of getting expensive birthday presents or whatever.

OP, it's not nice to hear, but they aren't really your friends.
You say you're afraid of losing them as friends but what would you actually be losing? A feeling of rejection and time spent at events you don't even want to go to?

I honestly think you'd be better off writing them off and concentrating on other/making new friendships.

FWIW while I agree that it does become the norm in your 30s for meetups to centre around 'big' celebrations like hens/baby showers, it does feel shit when you don't have those things to celebrate. Even if you're perfectly happy with your life, it hurts when the people closest to you can't make the effort to celebrate things that make you happy, giving the impression your life is worth less than theirs because you haven't hit some random 'adulting' tick boxes.

People are focussing on the 'housewarming' element but it's not really that essential - OP is basically just asking 'can we meet up somewhere vaguely near me and for something that isn't related to your children for once in our friendship.' Even if they are busy and can't come to visit, a few posts asking for cute pics of your kitten or how you are decorating the house etc would be minimal effort.

What's the horror of it? So I should possibly wait until I'm pregnant/married if that happens to expect any sort of effort?

I'm failing to understand this 'I definitely wouldn't travel an hour just to see someone's house' Can someone enlighten me?
I'm inviting them to a party at my home, not to come and stare at the wall.

I think you need to raise your bar a bit and not let people treat you badly. For example, if I had traveled an hour to visit someone and not been offered a coffee, I would consider that an unacceptable snub and I wouldn't go back for more poor treatment - she didn't forget to offer you a drink, it's the absolute minimum of manners, that absolutely everyone knows.

I have a cousin who lives an hour away and we go to each other's houses. She'd be delighted to come to a housewarming with her husband and my auntie and is just waiting on me to confirm a date. I've also travelled to hers a few times, so fortunately it exists.

But I wouldn’t see this as a party; sorry. It just sounds like please come and see my house.

I agree with the PP who said first houses when you are young might be something you celebrate, but when you’re older and on to the next stage, most people aren’t interested. I meet most of my friends out, we rarely go to each others homes at all, even when they live locally.

Regarding trying to give people housewarming dates and I messaged the group chat 4 days ago saying people were welcome to come round whenever
This never does any good, tbh. You need to tell them I'm having a housewarming party at X time on Y date. Bring DHs and DCs. See you then!

It is pretty pants though, I'll give you that.

You're right, I did try that a couple of months ago but I got some half hearted vague reply back. But I may give it one more go.

I would go further and say they are not your friends
They are not interested in you.
Not in visiting you.
Not in your kitten
Not your new house
And absolutely not in driving miles at coast ti see you.
Stop trying to buy friendship and develop friends where you live.

It's totally rude of them to not answer at all. But, they are showing you how little they think of you.

Did they invite you back into the WhatsApp group as they need to have someone they can basically leave out, be mean to. gossip about. Some groups of women are like this.

If they were your friends then yes they would make an effort to come and see you, go to your housewarming. Take an interest in your life.

They have shown you what they think of you, listen to them. Do not bother with them anymore. Come off the friendship group, do not join again when they ask you to. What is the point, they really aren't your friends. They sound awful.

Concentrate on your other friends. You sound like a lovely person. You deserve better friends than these.

It’s fine that those are important to you but if they have young children they will be more important to them than an old uni friend’a new house.

As I've said several times, this happened before the kids.

Also it's not just the house, it's not me having to go over to theirs every single time for years like I have done.

Leave the chat group. If somebody wants to get in touch with you they will find a way. Stop chasing people

Or you could quietly leave the group chat. It would be more empowering for you to decide you don’t like this dynamic and want to leave rather than feeling consistently ignored.

Do they invite you to theirs just for a random Friday dinner and drinks? Do you go? Or is it just for birthdays, hen dos, baby showers? Are your invitations specific? “I’m thinking of having a movie night on the 15th starting maybe 8pm. Everyone welcome to stay over. Who’s free?”

I can assure you, it’s equally difficult having to he opposite problem, being the only person who ever does the hosting. We always have people over (I can’t even say we invite them, often they ask if they can come stay) and we never get invited to anyone else’s. Literally have one couple who just moved into their third new house that I haven’t seen. Like it’s been that long since they invited us over that it was 4 house purchases ago! They happily ring every year to book a weekend at ours though. BIL/SIL not only have lived in two houses since we were last invited over, but SIL isn’t the same SIL (BIL divorced the first once, met someone new and moved this one in 😂).

I think they’ve all worked out that the like the all inclusive resort experience at ours and don’t want the work and cost of hosting, so everyone dresses it up as “Would love to come see you” but they just want a free week or weekend away.

These posts where they clearly haven't read properly annoy me. "Some old uni friend's house' . I'm so sorry for trying to arrange a housewarming, I didn't realise they were so outdated. 🤔

I'm tempted to leave again but they'll probably say I'm overly sensitive, dramatic etc..

You keep saying ‘I’ll be expected to go’ and ‘I was expected to fork out’ — these were your choices, OP. You were invited, not compelled. You go to things that involve you travelling and spending money you say you can ill spare, and you secretly resent that they don’t do the same for you. Do you actually enjoy these events? If not, why go? It sounds as if you have entrenched ideas about what ‘being a friend ’ involves, and are frustrated because the rest of the group doesn’t.

The question I’d be asking myself in your shoes is why you’re so ‘afraid of losing their friendship’ when it’s clear this friendship (which sounds like a loose acquaintance set up, rather than anything based on real liking and attachment) isn’t working for you? You’re aggrieved at what you see as their non-reciprocation of your level of input. The thing is, you can’t control other people’s behaviour, or liking for you. All you can do is change your own thinking around this.

That's very true, I wasn't forced to go. However I went because I wanted to and they were important to me.
And I guess I'm upset that I'm not of much importance. It's almost Iike unless you're getting married or pregnant you're of no interest or importance. What if people decide that's not the life path for them?