Group of friends never travel to me?

[Coldandfedup456]

I know this is quite a common issue, but I just don't feel valued at all. I have a group of around 7 female friends I've known since college/uni and none of them have any interest in visiting me, none whatsoever.

I know people will cite anxiety, work, kids etc. But it's been years and they haven't visited once, just no excuse. I bought a house about 6 months ago and have tried to give dates for a housewarming a few times.
I messaged the group chat 4 days ago saying people were welcome to come round whenever and out of 7 not one person has replied or even given a thumbs up. I'm not saying they all have to jump for joy but it's just clear they can't be bothered.
Prior to this I lived in another house for 2 years and they never saw it. I've been to them plenty of times and have been very accommodating regarding their children and so on.

Over the years I've spent a fortune I don't have on baby showers, weddings, hens and so on. I travelled a couple of hours to see one in November and she didn't even offer me a coffee or anything, maybe I sound entitled but I didn't have to go out of my way.

I got a kitten too and again no interest from them in seeing it. Maybe they don't like cats but I'm sure not all 7 of them feel the same and many of them have had cats previously. I'd understand if it were a snake or something they might be afraid of but I just think when youre friends with someone you can at least try to show a little bit of interest and care.

Maybe I sound entitled. I have previously brought this up with them and they offered to meet me somewhere halfway but it just never happened. I'm willing to give months of notice, I just don't believe they don't have one afternoon ever in their lives. I'm an hour's drive tops but so are they for me if not further. Even if they said they'd meet me 30 mins away I'd appreciate the effort but it just doesn't happen.

I guess not much I can do but I just don't feel valued at all. I'm sure people will say oh they don't care you bought a house etc. But I was expected to care for all their life events and I did because I wanted to. What should I do? I just feel like they don't really care.

But do what is best for you, OP. You don’t have to flounce off. Just mute the group if you don’t want to see it. Stop attending events if you don’t enjoy them. Centre yourself. Ask yourself ‘What do I want here? What works best for me?’ If that’s prioritising other friendships and dropping your entrenched sense of obligation to this group, do that.

Mute the whatsapp group
look into things closer to home where you could make new friends
people change a lot between teens and mid 30s - maybe you've all outgrown each other.

And I am a huge cat lover, but I wouldn't expect people to visit my cat.

It’s absolutely fine to make any life choice you want. But trying to make major celebrations out of fairly standard things like buying a home or getting a pet is going to be difficult, unless you level with people and tell them how much this means to you.

Why? They have already made it very clear that they do not want to come to your housewarming. They are going to start to question why you haven't had it already if you are messaging the same thing a couple of months later.

The events you've attended are the bigger things in your 30s, babies and weddings. Moving house again is not.

Sounds like all these people have husbands, and some have children, so they have someone else's friends and family to spend time with as well as their own. They make time to talk to each other because they have more in common. Not your fault you don't but it's not theirs either.

I love cats and I absolutely went to see my aunt's new kittens, she's my aunt and lives locally. I've never met my niece's cats nor been to her new flat, she lives about an hour away. Will go to her wedding but not her hen party.

You spend too much time resenting them and making yourself feel bad. Just leave the WhatsApp group. Move on with your life.

OK, well, own your own past decisions. You went because you wanted to. Hopefully you enjoyed them. It sounds as if you’ve built up this narrative about this group only being interested in weddings and babies, and you not having anything to offer on this front. Is this actually true? And if it is, do you really want to be friends with people with such a depressingly mono-vision of life paths?

For instance, I’m married with a child and plenty of friends. Still, I had a wedding in jeans with two witnesses, and have never had a hen party or a baby shower. Not my thing. I have friends who’ve had big weddings and hens and throw parties at the drop of a hat. I have friends who are longterm single and childfree and who celebrate, or don’t celebrate, very different things. You don’t have to think of yourself in terms of ‘lacking’ milestones that matter to this group.

OP I think you sound lovely and I completely understand how you feel as I've felt like this with certain friendships at times over the years. I started to notice that with some friends, it was me that made all of the effort to travel to where they were to see them but they never bothered to come to me, despite being invited. I decided after the pandemic to mirror people's efforts and unfortunately some friendships have fallen by the wayside (including a friend from primary school and we're now in our mid forties). I felt sad at first but now I know I've got a circle of friends from different stages of my life who value my friendship and want to spend time with me. As a PO said, match their energy/effort and let them go. To not even reply is rude! Surfing yourself with people who bring you joy. Life is too short to waste time on people who can't be bothered! I'd possibly stay in the chat so it doesn't look like you're flouncing away but only get involved in conversation when you feel like it. Don't bother inviting them again and don't make any effort to go out of your way for them. Mirror their efforts!

But I would, if a friend had one

Edit: Surround yourself with people who bring you joy... not sure where surfing came from!

This is going to sound incredibly harsh but just based off this thread, I wouldn't go to your housewarming. You're treating friendship too transactionally and it's off-putting. There really is no need for people to come to your house or see your kitten. If you insist on pushing this, I think you'll continue to be disappointed.

I wouldn't bother leaving the WhatsApp group as you say it would be seen as being dramatic. Just attend something if you fancy it. If you don't want to go say it's too far to travel/you're out with your BF/any other thing that is plausible. If it's something you fancy going to then go, don't spend a fortune on their DC/baby shower/wedding whatever. If they challenge you about the distance you could always respond that it's obviously too far for them to travel to you😉

I'd make every effort I could to attend a housewarming if my friend invited me, it doesn't matter that buying a home is so low down in the pecking order of important life events. Maybe it was important to me and that's what matters.
So it's almost saying that unless you have a baby or a wedding, don't expect people to come to you at any time or to have any sort of interest. Don't get it tbh.

You could always mute the WhatsApp group if you think leaving it will attract attention.

I've been you, OP, several times.

In one case it was just nastiness, and it's now in hindsight obvious that it was jealousy.

Other times it was simply that they were a nice group of people who I was clinging to even though I wasn't really a fit friendship wise.

Focus on yourself a bit and move on x

@Coldandfedup456 They clearly disagree with you that only these important events are worth travelling to attend. Doesn't matter if you don't get it, they have shown you repeatedly they won't visit. Do you just want to keep this group so you can continue to play the victim?

Yes, just decline the invite op, don't hang on to a feeling that isn't there.

BTW, I can't believe you travelled 2 hours to a "friend" and they didn't even offer you a coffee! That would be it for me.

You have other friends you can concentrate on now. Let go of the past.

I'm tempted to leave again but they'll probably say I'm overly sensitive, dramatic etc..

Well so what if they do? I've realised recently that I'm not as important to my mother group as they are to me, and it hurts. But I know I deserve better treatment, so I will keep contact with one, and if the others initiate a meetup I'll go, but I'm no longer instigating.

I feel for you OP. There was a thread a week or so ago where the OP suggested that other life events should be celebrated and everyone said that if you wanted that, you should throw your own party and invite people. And as this thread shows, that wouldn’t work because the majority of people only value certain life events and wouldn’t attend a party for a different event. That has been my experience in real life, too.

I recommend finding new friends. I have made some childless/free friends and they’ve been much more open-minded about celebrating things outside of the traditional norms, as well as just more present generally.

And for what it’s worth, I’d absolutely travel an hour to see a friend’s kitten - it’s much more attractive a prospect than seeing a friend’s baby, in my book!

Did you move away from everyone else?

Oh and yabu not to post a photo of the kitten!

If they're talking about a summer meet up, I would try something like 'Hey! If a summer getaway together is on the cards, we could combine that with my housewarming. Been trying to get it sorted for a while and none of you have seen my new place or met [boyfriend] or [kitten]. What dates would work for that?' or put possible dates in.

Then see what happens. They may still find excuses but it highlights the problem. If they say they'd rather meet somewhere else, then I'd then go to 'ah, pity, I'll have to give it a miss this time' and do not send presents or a card even if others are doing that. See if it makes a difference - they are used to you giving in and coming to them. Sometimes people are shits, but also sometimes people get stuck in the lazy groove and can be very resistant at moving out of it.

All the other advice about widening your circle of friends too still applies. You can do both.

Did you give an actual date? Or just say whenever

sadly I'm not engaged/married/pregnant so I guess there's nothing worth making the effort for, that's how it sounds.

Is that where you are going with this? That you think they see you as "less than" because you don't have kids? That they see your "celebrations" as less important because it isn't a wedding or a baby shower or a christening?

This is about the 3rd "I'm single, I should be celebrated too" post in the last couple of weeks. Stranger still, because you say it was the same before they had kids.

Did they all have housewarming/ new pet parties that you went to? You don't mention those.

It all sounds a bit "they're just not that in to you"

bought a house about 6 months ago and have tried to give dates for a housewarming a few times.

Your house warming date needs to be determined according to this group of friend’s availability? Or do you mean just for a visit?

Truetoself
@Coldandfedup456 they don't regard you as a friend. Why don't you see that?

They're free to make a new WhatsApp group and stop inviting me to their weddings and so on but they don't, so?

But this takes effort. They can't be arsed.

You can always ask them straight out instead of asking people on MN?

Well I can imagine it’s bloody hurtful!

They like her enough to invite her to MANY events but none of them can be bothered to even respond or turn up to any invites from the OP. Surely if they didn’t class OP as a friend they just wouldn’t invite her?

I can understand this must be painful OP, as you seem to put in lots of effort to keep these friendships, even though it’s not reciprocated. It’s up to you whether you feel this is now worth it to continue, even though you’ll still be invited to future events.