Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Group of friends never travel to me?

163 replies

Coldandfedup456 · 15/02/2025 07:42

I know this is quite a common issue, but I just don't feel valued at all. I have a group of around 7 female friends I've known since college/uni and none of them have any interest in visiting me, none whatsoever.

I know people will cite anxiety, work, kids etc. But it's been years and they haven't visited once, just no excuse. I bought a house about 6 months ago and have tried to give dates for a housewarming a few times.
I messaged the group chat 4 days ago saying people were welcome to come round whenever and out of 7 not one person has replied or even given a thumbs up. I'm not saying they all have to jump for joy but it's just clear they can't be bothered.
Prior to this I lived in another house for 2 years and they never saw it. I've been to them plenty of times and have been very accommodating regarding their children and so on.

Over the years I've spent a fortune I don't have on baby showers, weddings, hens and so on. I travelled a couple of hours to see one in November and she didn't even offer me a coffee or anything, maybe I sound entitled but I didn't have to go out of my way.

I got a kitten too and again no interest from them in seeing it. Maybe they don't like cats but I'm sure not all 7 of them feel the same and many of them have had cats previously. I'd understand if it were a snake or something they might be afraid of but I just think when youre friends with someone you can at least try to show a little bit of interest and care.

Maybe I sound entitled. I have previously brought this up with them and they offered to meet me somewhere halfway but it just never happened. I'm willing to give months of notice, I just don't believe they don't have one afternoon ever in their lives. I'm an hour's drive tops but so are they for me if not further. Even if they said they'd meet me 30 mins away I'd appreciate the effort but it just doesn't happen.

I guess not much I can do but I just don't feel valued at all. I'm sure people will say oh they don't care you bought a house etc. But I was expected to care for all their life events and I did because I wanted to. What should I do? I just feel like they don't really care.

OP posts:
abracadabra1980 · 15/02/2025 09:00

Kindly, OP, I am older than you. I still live and work in the area I was born, as did my parents and now my own children. I have a group of 'old' friends one of whom our parents were bf and we grew up together. None of us have much in common, but we have known each other for so long, (birth/primary school) that this is our bond.
At your age, and with the wisdom of my advancing years/observations of how friendships ebb and flow, I'd cut this group a little loose and look for friends closer to home. It doesn't mean they don't like you, but you are all clearly struggling with different connection needs, and you are getting nothing from the 'friendship' other than insecurity.
Maybe this is more you, maybe them, but the only way you can do this, is to stop feeling you 'should' make the effort for them.
Many of us, have been a slave to this thought process over the years. It's emotionally stifling. Set yourself free and roll on making new friends. They too may come and go. That's just life. I actually really enjoy my neighbours' friendship these days. A good chit chat gossip about the odd ones with a glass of wine and no travelling, is my preference these days.
Don't be sad, don't be bitter, try and accept that lives have moved on. Who knows, you could re-acquaint later on in life and enjoy the catch up.
Good luck 🤞

.

Colddayhotcuppa · 15/02/2025 10:22

some posters are being deliberately obtuse on this thread with the whole 'you didn't have to go, it was your choice' etc. of course op chose to go, she wanted to maintain a friendship with these people. That's how friendship works. Op is sad that these people aren't putting any effort into visiting her. I don't understand how you can't be interested in a friend's new home, surely that's a big life milestone that real friends would want to celebrate in some way? Especially if op has invited everyone to a housewarming.

Gwenhwyfar · 15/02/2025 10:29

"We all live about an hour tops from each other in different directions. "

This is a perfect example of a drip feed. My first question reading your OP was how far do you all live from each other. It's good that you've clarified an hour and you've also mentioned petrol costs so presumably it's only accessible by car so they wouldn't get to have a drink unless their partner also came and didn't drink?

I wouldn't go an hour away for just a coffee, but for a party taking a long time, it's quite reasonable. Having to drive would put me off, but presumably you all drive to each other's? If they can't even travel an hour every now and then they're obviously not good friends or just too busy to be your friends. Either way, you need to try to make new friends, which I'm aware can take years.

RubyRedBow · 15/02/2025 10:32

I would leave the friendship group in all honestly. They aren’t your friends.

RubyRedBow · 15/02/2025 10:33

Dogthespot · 15/02/2025 07:44

Op it doesn’t sound like they regard you as a close friend, not even remotely. And that’s not their fault, it’s no one’s fault.

but you see the relationship as much closer than they do

Edited

They clearly saw her as a close enough friend to invite her to hens and baby showers.

Sounds to me like they use you when it suits them.

beautyqueeen · 15/02/2025 10:34

I don’t think they’re that bothered about continuing the friendship OP. It all sounds very surface level. From now on match their energy and see how it goes.

Person1234 · 15/02/2025 10:34

I moved to a new house a few years ago and several of my close friends haven't visited, or have only come once, because we live far away from each other. It's not a big deal. We meet up elsewhere, though not as often as we used to.

When you have small kids, it becomes much harder to be super-close to friends. I would love to see friends more, but it's impossible I'm afraid!

Your outlook seems quite paranoid and negative, and I wonder if therapy might help.

RubyRedBow · 15/02/2025 10:39

For what it’s worth, I moved a year ago and some of my siblings haven’t even been to see it. A few years ago they would have been first in the door for a look but I find people care less about others these days.

Original poster
Coldandfedup456 · 15/02/2025 10:45

fandangored · 15/02/2025 08:06

Grown apart..? Jealousy perhaps of new home?

Are you more successful than them in some way?

It's hard.. I've been there.. time to start again

Oh no, if anything they all earn a lot more than me and all have much nicer homes 😂 I don't know tbh..

OP posts:
Original poster
Coldandfedup456 · 15/02/2025 10:48

Fwiw I wouldn't expect them to come here just for a drink, I'd provide some food and drinks etc. If they were making the effort to come. If i won the lottery and bought a million pound mansion they'd probably still not come 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
Coldandfedup456 · 15/02/2025 10:48

Person1234 · 15/02/2025 10:34

I moved to a new house a few years ago and several of my close friends haven't visited, or have only come once, because we live far away from each other. It's not a big deal. We meet up elsewhere, though not as often as we used to.

When you have small kids, it becomes much harder to be super-close to friends. I would love to see friends more, but it's impossible I'm afraid!

Your outlook seems quite paranoid and negative, and I wonder if therapy might help.

I understand that but it was the same before they ever had kids, and I've never been more than an hour away

OP posts:
arcticpandas · 15/02/2025 10:51

It's clear they think you're useful for giftgrabs OP. They are not friends, absolutely not. And they are rude. If a friend asked me to come and see her and I couldn't I would atleast respond and tell her why (autistic dc, very hard to leave...) . They are rude and careless about your feelings. I would just quit the group since it's only you making all the efforts. Even with my autistic dc I would come because he would be happy stroking the cat:). You deserve better than this OP❤️

Original poster
Coldandfedup456 · 15/02/2025 10:53

fandangored · 15/02/2025 08:07

Also just jealous of you!!

Are you more attractive than them?? This sounds ridiculous I know but it's true!!

People have said i am but I know I'd get completely flamed for saying that. Also I never thought it would be an issue and besides, they're all married and so on, I fortunately now have a lovely boyfriend but it's taken me a while to meet someone.

OP posts:
Cattery · 15/02/2025 10:53

If someone wants to see you they’ll find the time

Original poster
Coldandfedup456 · 15/02/2025 10:54

Sorry i am trying to read through all the posts and reply. I appreciate the responses. Wrt having kids it was the same before the kids were born.
Wondering should i just throw out a random weekend in a month's time and see if they at least reply?

OP posts:
Juiceinacup · 15/02/2025 10:56

They are not friends just people you know, they might have been real friends a long time ago but not anymore. Life is not usually like it is in films people don’t tend to have life long friendships, mostly people have different friends at different stages in their life. So move on put the energy you are using up in trying to maintain something that’s over into finding new friends who will be happy to share new experiences with you. If you still want to catch up occasionally with this old group of friends, you’ll have to accept you’ll have to be the one to travel so only do it if it suits you otherwise don’t go even if it’s a wedding or whatever.
I have one friend who I’ve known for about 50yrs, at one stage we didn’t see each other for about 10yrs but we clicked back into being friends straight away once we met back up, other friends have come and gone through my life I think that’s quite normal.

Original poster
Coldandfedup456 · 15/02/2025 10:59

When we went to this baby shower they travelled an hour or so to an area that was convenient for some of them. But I'm just an hour in the other direction so they are capable, they just don't want to.

OP posts:
Cattery · 15/02/2025 10:59

@Juiceinacup This exactly x

JMSA · 15/02/2025 11:00

Aww, OP, your post made me feel sad. Good friends would take an interest in your life and the things that make you happy.
Congrats on your new home and kitten!
I'd be hurt in your shoes and would distance myself Flowers

Original poster
Coldandfedup456 · 15/02/2025 11:00

Thank you. I'm sure people will say it's 'just' a kitten but I live alone and he's important to me, I don't have a 'little family' like a lot of them do.

OP posts:
Waitingfordaffs · 15/02/2025 11:01

It sounds to me that you are just at different life stages - it’s not uncommon - you just have less things in common now maybe . Try not to take it personally . Distance and changing circumstances do change relationships - the more children you have ( especially if working ft ) the harder it becomes to fit other stuff in . I think you are wise to concentrate on new friendships and your bf . Some friendships do drift into the past without any falling out and I think that’s natural . It isn’t anything negative to do with you I’m sure

JMSA · 15/02/2025 11:02

Coldandfedup456 · 15/02/2025 07:52

I have tried not messaging them. After a while someone will post 'does anybody fancy meeting up soon?'
Then it'll be the usual high end restaurant suggestion. I have been to visit them individually where they live to, I'd love it if just once, just one day, someone told me they were coming to visit me. But it'll never happen. I also moved to a new city and again no interest from them in seeing it.

You need to match their energy toward you and just not reply Sad Either that or have it out with them, though it doesn't sound like it'll make a difference either way x

Original poster
Coldandfedup456 · 15/02/2025 11:03

It was exactly the same when we were at a similar life stage. And they travelled an hour for the baby shower so they are capable of it. As I said even if they travelled just 30 mins rather than me having to go right on their doorstep..

OP posts:
AuraBora · 15/02/2025 11:04

abracadabra1980 · 15/02/2025 09:00

Kindly, OP, I am older than you. I still live and work in the area I was born, as did my parents and now my own children. I have a group of 'old' friends one of whom our parents were bf and we grew up together. None of us have much in common, but we have known each other for so long, (birth/primary school) that this is our bond.
At your age, and with the wisdom of my advancing years/observations of how friendships ebb and flow, I'd cut this group a little loose and look for friends closer to home. It doesn't mean they don't like you, but you are all clearly struggling with different connection needs, and you are getting nothing from the 'friendship' other than insecurity.
Maybe this is more you, maybe them, but the only way you can do this, is to stop feeling you 'should' make the effort for them.
Many of us, have been a slave to this thought process over the years. It's emotionally stifling. Set yourself free and roll on making new friends. They too may come and go. That's just life. I actually really enjoy my neighbours' friendship these days. A good chit chat gossip about the odd ones with a glass of wine and no travelling, is my preference these days.
Don't be sad, don't be bitter, try and accept that lives have moved on. Who knows, you could re-acquaint later on in life and enjoy the catch up.
Good luck 🤞

.

I was going to say something along these lines. I feel for you as it sounds upsetting but I think you need to stop focusing on it and understand that friendships change over the years and it would probably be best to concentrate on developing friendships closer to home.
I have a group of friends from uni who I see usually for a get together every year. Some of them see each other more often than that and I accept that they have closer friendships. Even at uni they did, I was a bit more on the periphery. However I enjoy their company when I see them and it's nice to stay in touch with friends from youth.. as long as the level of friendship/contact is okay for you. If I were you I'd probably stop making effort to invite them to things and accept that you'll only see them if everyone is meeting up together somewhere else.
It is also natural at this point in life for the meet ups to be events such as weddings, babyshowers etc. Was the same for me in early-mid 30s.

JMSA · 15/02/2025 11:05

Coldandfedup456 · 15/02/2025 11:00

Thank you. I'm sure people will say it's 'just' a kitten but I live alone and he's important to me, I don't have a 'little family' like a lot of them do.

Of course he is! 💗