Group of friends never travel to me?

[Coldandfedup456]

I know this is quite a common issue, but I just don't feel valued at all. I have a group of around 7 female friends I've known since college/uni and none of them have any interest in visiting me, none whatsoever.

I know people will cite anxiety, work, kids etc. But it's been years and they haven't visited once, just no excuse. I bought a house about 6 months ago and have tried to give dates for a housewarming a few times.
I messaged the group chat 4 days ago saying people were welcome to come round whenever and out of 7 not one person has replied or even given a thumbs up. I'm not saying they all have to jump for joy but it's just clear they can't be bothered.
Prior to this I lived in another house for 2 years and they never saw it. I've been to them plenty of times and have been very accommodating regarding their children and so on.

Over the years I've spent a fortune I don't have on baby showers, weddings, hens and so on. I travelled a couple of hours to see one in November and she didn't even offer me a coffee or anything, maybe I sound entitled but I didn't have to go out of my way.

I got a kitten too and again no interest from them in seeing it. Maybe they don't like cats but I'm sure not all 7 of them feel the same and many of them have had cats previously. I'd understand if it were a snake or something they might be afraid of but I just think when youre friends with someone you can at least try to show a little bit of interest and care.

Maybe I sound entitled. I have previously brought this up with them and they offered to meet me somewhere halfway but it just never happened. I'm willing to give months of notice, I just don't believe they don't have one afternoon ever in their lives. I'm an hour's drive tops but so are they for me if not further. Even if they said they'd meet me 30 mins away I'd appreciate the effort but it just doesn't happen.

I guess not much I can do but I just don't feel valued at all. I'm sure people will say oh they don't care you bought a house etc. But I was expected to care for all their life events and I did because I wanted to. What should I do? I just feel like they don't really care.

That's really rubbish @Coldandfedup456 I would leave the WhatsApp group again and not rejoin.. It's clear they don't value you, but you can choose to value yourself and walk away. of course you can show excitement in a friend's new pet or house, because those things are important to them, it's what friens do. Stop spending money on them and accommodating their dc. One didn't even offer you a coffee yet you consider her a friend? staying 'friends' with these people might even be harmful to your mental health or self esteem.

It’s shit when people move on and you didn’t, but it sounds like that’s what’s happened. Remove yourself from the chat, and spend time with people who do value you. Because these people don’t.

I'd understand if none of them spoke to each other any more but they're clearly close, as one announced her pregnancy yet a couple of others already knew as she'd phoned them first.

I always feel like an outsider on groups like this, especially all-female groups. Not disliked but just not that valued, on the edges.

@Coldandfedup456 You aren't expected, you chose to do this. You can decline tacky baby showers and hen nights. Most hen nights are very close friends and the bridal party anyway, why do you go?

You don't have daily contact with these people. Send a card for their events and stop going out of your way as you clearly resent it.

Don't be afraid of losing them. What are you losing? They're adding no value to your life whatsoever. They take from you OP, time, energy and gifts by the sound of it.

Leave them and their WhatsApp behind and do not rejoin either. I get the friends don't see each other all the time, and I'm often the one to travel too but I've learned only to do it with the friends who add value to my life (not monetary value, happiness, mutual friendship, care, trust, loyalty).

Grown apart..? Jealousy perhaps of new home?

Are you more successful than them in some way?

It's hard.. I've been there.. time to start again

Also just jealous of you!!

Are you more attractive than them?? This sounds ridiculous I know but it's true!!

OP, you sound deflated in your post. If you think travelling over an hour to a friend’s house and expecting atleast a coffee is ‘entitled’, you have self-esteem issues. Did you ask for one? Do you find asserting yourself tricky? Take a break from the friendship OP and reflect on your role within the group.

We are very similar, I used to feel let down but now I've accepted that it's just how things are. I no longer try too hard for other people. I'm happy with less people in my life, but they're all lovely and the relationships are balanced. I've stopped giving too much of myself away.

Do ypu ever chat to them individually off the group chat? An individual conversation could lead to an individual arrangement for a visit?

Have you tried addressing it with one person in the group you are closest to?

give them a call and say I’m feeling really hurt I invited you all to my housewarming and no one came is there something I’m missing?

stress that it’s not confrontational but you are feeling a bit left out and just checking in. It is not unreasonable to expect friends to come to events or at least make a passing effort.

I don't think you need to cut these people out completely. But certainly stop inviting them over. And put any chats you have with them on mute. If you've known each other 15 years then there is no chance all of you have grown at the same pace.

There’s a thing where we see things from our own perspective which outweighs the fact it’s a group.

So- you have been to lots of events with them- but that’s because there are lots of them. There will also be lots of events you didn’t go to, or weren’t invited to. They weren’t a big deal to you, which is fine. Obviously all your events are a big deal to you.

Also it sounds as though they have moved on to a different stage of life. So when you are all getting your first houses, you tend to visit each other’s new house. DS2 is at this stage with his mates. When the group has moved on to the babies stage, you tend not to care much about new houses anymore. If you are a step behind, you will feel it really hard. By the time you have a baby, they won’t be celebrating babies anymore. It might be about big birthdays by then.

It sucks, but it isn’t particularly personal.

You’re not expected to do anything, you’re invited but you have options. Are they’re all maybe just busy with everyday life, work, kids and husbands etc and because you don’t have all that you notice the lack of visits?

I think sometimes you are part of the general group but not especially close to anyone. I feel like that I am fun for a night out and helpful if you need a favour but I’m not central and people forget about me. It sort of is what it is. I’m wuite independent and like my own company, I think groups often seem to rally around more drama llamas types as it’s interesting and exciting whereas I am a donkey just keep plodding along in a dependable fashion.

It sounds like your lives have grown apart. Some of them have young children. People get so tired and busy and obsessed with family life at that stage that other things barely register.

But it also sounds like you are a people pleaser and they're not. You spend money you can't afford and go out of duty.
Don't. Spend your money and time and energy on yourself and the people nearest to you who appreciate you most.
Let them go. It's very normal for friendships to drift and to have to make new friends at various stages in life.

This really doesn't sound fair. You are going out of your way to attend their significant events and they can't be bothered with things that matter to you (I know others have said they wouldn't be fussed about your kitten or home but a real friend would know that those things are important to you and would make the effort). I think once you have done it once you will find it easier to turn them down.

It’s the usual story OP. When your friends get married and have kids and you don’t, what matters to you no longer matters to them. I would concentrate on the new friends you’ve made.

I guess I'm afraid of just losing all their friendship.

What friendship? They won't even visit you.

When you attend gatherings of all types with these people how are they with you? Do they greet you warmly, go out for their way to chat to you/include you in group conversations, or are you just part of the crowd and after a quick ‘hello, how are you’ upon your arrival they don’t seek you out again?

Sadly, from what you’ve said so far it’s time to move on and focus on other friends and making new ones where you live. Friendships shift in life and that’s ok.

It’s not going to do your self-esteem any good hanging onto this group feeling like you’re only been invited for the generous gifts you bring and bulking out a crowd. No need to flounce and leave the group, just slowly fade away from them and if anyone gets artsy then you are as busy as they are.

I travel much longer than an hour to see my friends, and they do to see me.

I don't even need a reason of a new kitten or a new house. I travelled for about five hours to visit friends this past weekend, and four hours to get home again, and I've done a much longer journey (once) when I had kids still at home - so it is doable.

I would be tempted to just quietly leave the group. If someone then gets in touch, I would be honest and say that I've travelled to go to X event and X event and X's house etc, but nobody has ever taken time to visit you, and you have come to realise that it's never going to happen, and to you, that doesn't feel much like friendship.

I hope you have a better circle of friends in your local area.

I think when you're starting to feel humiliated or resentful because of how you're being treated then it's time to pull back. This will really negatively affect your self esteem.

I agree with this, it’s awful feeling left out but I think you need to move on and focus on what makes you happy, these people clearly don’t. Enjoy not worrying about them and put the effort in to yourself and people who show a genuine interest. Life’s to short, forget them for now. If they care they’ll come back.

Hey OP. You sound like a lovely person and friend. You are acting like any normal and caring friend would. So sorry you are not getting that attention and respect in return.
It does sound like it is getting to you, it would upset and hurt me too.
You are right to join the meet up group and forge other friendships and move on.
Friendships do change and maybe its a nudge for you to do it for your own self respect and self esteem.
You will go on to make meaningful friendships where you will enjoy lovely, fun times together! Best of luck x

I’m in a group of six women, one of them is always inviting us to see her house and seems to have the same complex that none of us will visit her.

There’s multiple reasons why we don’t want to visit, firstly she’s in London, but 45 mins travel from the centre - so not central, but anytime we visit she gets in a huff we won’t come out to hers.
She’s very snappy and makes you feel uncomfortable, goes to bed at 8pm, yet wants us to come and stay, she doesn’t have the room for us all to sleep and we’d have to be quiet / in bed by 8pm…..
I know these aren’t your circumstances, but it’s just giving an example, that there’s various reasons for not wanting to house visit someone.
I’d hate to house visit someone unless I’m really close and then I prefer it 121 - most houses are too small for 6+ people and not really enjoyable to hang out in, I’m not going to waste a precious weekend doing something I don’t enjoy!