Would you fall out with your adult child....

[charmanderflame]

...If you felt they had criticised something about the way they were brought up?

My mum is currently not speaking to me because she feels I said something that criticised my upbringing.

It happened after she said she is going to dress my child up in pink frilly dresses like a little dolly if it's a girl (I'm currently pregnant). I said politely that we would rather go for more neutral clothing until they're old enough to choose.

She was annoyed, wouldn't accept it and kept needling me about why I 'won't let a baby girl look like a girl'.

So eventually I told her it was because I felt pressure in my childhood to look a certain way for her, which wasn't who I am, and I didn't really feel accepted for my true self. It's a personal preference and I just don't want to gender stereotype my baby before they can decide.

She is saying I am ungrateful and have made her feel like crap. She's giving me silent treatment and totally denied my feelings.

I know I probably shouldn't have said it but she was really pressuring me and winding me up about my parenting choices, and at the end of the day it's the truth.

YABU - yes I would fall out with my child if they said this.
YANBU - no, she should be a bit more humble and accept that no one is perfect

YANBU in my opinion. Your mums reaction seems uncalled for.

She just strikes me as quite selfish from what you’ve shared. Who gives a flying f*ck about what clothes an unborn child will wear.
Very bizarre. I suspect you’re not pregnant with ‘your baby’, but HER grandchild.

You sound like a very well rounded person. This is a great time to lay some ground rules about how your child will be treated.
your mums behaviour in this situation shows it’s all about her and when you step outside of however she wants you to look / behave etc she will reject you at some level, is this a pattern that feels familiar?
might be worth having some therapy before baby comes along to understand your mother / daughter relationship better before you become a parent too, could set you up best for how you want to be as a mum 😊
might sound OTT what I’ve put here, it comes from being in my forties now and having the realisation how controlling my mum is and has always been with me, nicely wrapped up in some covert narcissism.
congrats on your pregnancy, enjoy ❤️

It all seems a bit odd. But as a mother of one adult and two teens you do get a bit bored of criticism. I know it’s part of cutting/severing the umbilical cord but even low level criticism can sting.
Teens can be relentless - but when they all go on about things I dressed them in as kids it can sometimes be a bit much. I know I didn’t do it to my mum. They all agree they had amazing childhoods and I know they love me but it’s tedious.

My DC have each all criticised my parenting at some point. It hurts but I admit I'm not perfect so I apologise.

What a healthy response! X

I wonder if she sees the irony that her disproportionately negative reaction to you saying that you couldn’t express yourself a child also prevents you from expressing yourself as an adult.

I think this is your mum’s issue not your issue.

It's not up to her to decide what your baby wears, but from a mother's point of view it can be really hurtful to hear your child criticising their upbringing.

Yes she's over reacting, but speaking personally, I did my absolute best for my offspring so hearing them criticise that would be hard. That doesn't mean I got everything right, and I'm sure she didn't either.

Maybe she just needs a few days to think about it and will get over it (but no, I wouldn't stop speaking to them because of it)

I just don't want to gender stereotype my baby before they can decide.

Decide what? You know they don’t get to decide their sex, right? It isn’t a choice. If you have a boy, they’re always going to be a boy. Same if you have a girl.

Oh I've had a lot of therapy, believe me😅But not since/ about pregnancy, so I'm sure you are right!
This is her first grandchild and it's causing friction and things are bubbling up. So maybe a bit more is on the cards.
I'm sorry you've had a similar experience! x

Sounds like shes taking the p* stating an extreme of overly stereotypical female clothing.
I tried everything not to have my baby son "stereotyped" the conclusion i came to was i could only do and influence what i could. I could not be constantly picking people up on everything, from comments (isnt he strong - hes a newborn baby ffs!) Or boys toys and clothes. It became more about striking a balance for fear of alienating people. Potentially isolating my son.

Decide what? You know they don’t get to decide their sex, right? It isn’t a choice. If you have a boy, they’re always going to be a boy. Same if you have a girl.

I assume (hope) op means until they can decide what they like to wear, not til they can decide what sex they want to be

They get to decide if they want to be dressed in pink like a doll
what exactly is the motivation for your comment?

Yes, obviously! 😅That was a strange post.

Oh honestly, not everything has to be an opportunity to be an ideologue about bloody gender and sex. I don’t have strong feelings about it either way but I’m so sick of people who are on high alert for any opportunity to make their point about it, however tangential to the conversation it may be. Do you have any advice for the OP about the issue she actually cares about?

Sounds like you’re set up to be a great mum ❤️if only our parents had some level of self awareness hey.
best of luck OP x

I'm assuming that you know that your Mum doesn't take criticism well?

If so, you're unreasonable because you knew how she'd react

You're not unreasonable to feel the way you do about your childhood

It can be wearing and tiring to hear criticism of the way you brought up your child. However I think an apology and "when I know better I do better, thanks for explaining" is healthier than a manipulative silence

Not obvious.

All I can take from this is that quite frankly you’re being ridiculous.

This all sounds like there’s quite a backstory OP

Your mum sounds a bit nuts and very stereotypical. My MIL was a bit like this. She dressed her first granddaughter (from her DD) in frilly little pink dresses, frilly socks etc. I thought it very impractical (and way too pink! ) so when I had my first DD a couple of years later I made a point of dressing her in dungarees and leggings, and avoiding too much pink. Possibly some of that stemmed from my own childhood as I always preferred jeans and trousers, and playing with my brothers Lego and action men. I was not a dolly pram or tea-set type of girl and I'm glad my parents never pushed that on me.

This is going to go on and on- you need better techniques for handling it, or you’ll be forced into this situation repeatedly and end up going totally no contact- which is a shame for all, I feel.

Have you read about grey rock? It’s about managing situations by keeping everything superficial and emotionally neutral.

You have a few stock phrases and avoid being backed into a corner where someone has to lose face.

It sounds as though you really need the phrase ‘We’re not going to treat her like a dolly.’
That will work about naps, weaning, clothing, pass the parcel for cuddles etc.

She sounds like she's deliberately trying to wind you up about your yet to be born child, and then takes umbrage when you give your opinion. Tiresome and pointless, why do that, what does she hope to achieve picking a fight with you?

a good reason not to engage or feed her unpleasantness. Be the bigger person.

is she normally an attention seeker

You could have just said it's not your style, rather than referring back to what she did to you in childhood. It's easier to be assertive (and therefore get your way) if you don't involve emotion and express things factually.

But too late now. Just be clear you don't want frilly pink dresses etc and your baby won't be wearing them. If she's upset and you don't let it get to you, the only one suffering is her.

And to answer your question, no I accept my now grown up children first who they are and respect their choices.

Maybe she meant whether they wear neutral or pink frilly clothes. It is the mum who is linking pink-frilly with being a girl.

Yes, as a mother, it stings but one of the most liberating things I did was choosing to say “we’ll have to agree to differ on this.” to my own mother. It demonstrates that I don’t agree, but that I don’t need her permission to have an opinion she doesn’t like.

You don’t need to have an argument with your Mum, she obviously doesn’t have the mental resilience to cope with it. Just live your life, as you wish too. She got to dress her child as she sees fit, you’re going to do the same.