Would you fall out with your adult child....

[charmanderflame]

...If you felt they had criticised something about the way they were brought up?

My mum is currently not speaking to me because she feels I said something that criticised my upbringing.

It happened after she said she is going to dress my child up in pink frilly dresses like a little dolly if it's a girl (I'm currently pregnant). I said politely that we would rather go for more neutral clothing until they're old enough to choose.

She was annoyed, wouldn't accept it and kept needling me about why I 'won't let a baby girl look like a girl'.

So eventually I told her it was because I felt pressure in my childhood to look a certain way for her, which wasn't who I am, and I didn't really feel accepted for my true self. It's a personal preference and I just don't want to gender stereotype my baby before they can decide.

She is saying I am ungrateful and have made her feel like crap. She's giving me silent treatment and totally denied my feelings.

I know I probably shouldn't have said it but she was really pressuring me and winding me up about my parenting choices, and at the end of the day it's the truth.

YABU - yes I would fall out with my child if they said this.
YANBU - no, she should be a bit more humble and accept that no one is perfect

It might not be what OP plans, but the 'sad beige' thing is quite recent. I have a friend whose 18 month old DD has never been dressed in anything that isn't beige, cream or a shade of brown.

I've often wondered what would happen if I turned up with a clothing gift in pink, or blue, or yellow. But a mutual friend told me that it would definitely be put in the bin.

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2022/nov/22/the-rise-of-sad-beige-parenting-how-primary-colours-shiny-surfaces-and-fun-got-banished?CMP=Share_AndroidApp_Other

Yes I agree with that. I think i originally looked at the pink frilly dress description and cringed at the frilly part, not the colour part. I wouldn’t and didn’t shun pink clothes.

Loads of people give a flying fuck. After 3 boys I was delighted to buy pink baby gros with fairies and flowers on. My Mum and MIL were delighted to buy girly clothes too for the first grand daughter. It’s bonkers people aren’t allowed to say this anymore. I love my girl just the same as the boys but yeah buying pink pretty clothes was part of the appeal.

i bought my niece a beautiful white Babygro with pink roses on it,
is that wrong?

Same here! The perfect parent doesn’t yet exist.
I too say sorry for making mistakes.

To people like the op yes
to me? Would have LOVED it!!

Your mum is trying to sulk and emotionally blackmail you into doing what she wants. I imagine it’s usually her way or the highway? And suddenly there’s something that’s not hers to control and she does not like it one bit. Hold your ground- my mum dressed me up like a dolly and I absolutely hated it, I was a massive tomboy and know that this was a great source of disappointment for her. Like you I spent my tweens and teens feeling uncomfortable in clothes that didn’t feel like mine because she refused to buy things I liked. I’d never subject my child to the same treatment.

Sorry but this seems so dramatic - limiting contact with a loving grandparent for this is absolutely batshit IMO.

But did you give enough f*cks to have relationship threatening rows about it?
Seems like OP’s DM does. Which is frankly wild.

I suspect those that want to dictate how other people dress their baby, before their babies are even born, haven’t got much else going on in life.

Absolutely ok to be excited once the gender is revealed, but I think you can see this isn’t what this post is about.

My mom wanted my dd in mop caps and frilly knickers when she babysat she changed her then changed her back and I pretended not to notice

My mum is huge sulker and used to give me the silent treatment when she didn’t get her own. I’ve recently started therapy and the counsellor has told me this is abuse. I have to let her know each time she does that it’s unacceptable and I won’t respond to it. I was terrified at first and she has told a family friend I’m bullying her but turns out it’s very freeing. Honestly it’s harder parenting her than my own child. The sooner you draw the line the better, I allowed my parents to bully me for years and it’s hard to suddenly form healthy boundaries.

You think this shows a “loving grandparent”?

It’s bonkers people aren’t allowed to say this anymore.
People are allowed to say it if they like. Just as people like the OP are allowed to say they will not be doing that. It isn't that GM said it, it's that when OP stated her preference GM got arsey then sulked when OP told her why.

I love my girl just the same as the boys but yeah buying pink pretty clothes was part of the appeal.

Each to their own. Now imagine your mum insisting she would be dressing your baby only in blue clothes. Happy with that? That is what is happening to the OP.

You hurt her feelings. Say sorry....

You are doing the same to your child as she did to you ,dressing how you think is appropriate

I suspect in about 3 years time, if the op comes across this thread, she will chuckle to herself as she looks her to see her toddler daughter walk in dressed in a pink princess outfit that she refuses to take off and is desperate to wear to nursery

Of course you can say that you were delighted to dress your daughter in pink. OP's mum was obviously delighted to dress OP in pink, well past the baby stage where OP wouldn't be aware of how she was dressed.

It's now OP's turn to be a mother and she can dress her own baby how she wants. Her mother is just being goady and provocative.

Yes... be prepared for lots of cans
of worms to be opened unexpectedly. Nothing makes you realise how fked up your own childhood was like having a kid of your own 😝

I feel this. Mine was the biggest sulker ever and what was even worse was she used to claim she didnt sulk. Which was pure gaslighting. I was so utterly confused for years, plus the constant belittling and being told how lazy/ungrateful/unlikeable i was didn't help. Im still only starting to scratch the surface of the damage she did

All a bit woke though isn't it the whole "gender neutral until she's old enough to choose" nonsense - not surprised your mum bristled a bit

I think once the child themselves can choose then they should be able have what they want in terms of colour, sparkle and so on...or not if they don't want it. BUT children aren't dollies and its not up to others to say how a baby should be dressed. For a grandmother to say what she will dress the baby in is overstepping I think.

I don't think pink frilly dresses are the real issue here. It seems like you want your mum to validate your feelings, but at the same time you're hurting her by bringing up how pressured you felt when you were younger. It's a difficult situation for both of you.

You sound very sensible OP- and you quite rightly understand that eventually, they will choose what they want. That's healthy. My youngest is currently having a black phase.

What's unhealthy is how she has responded. So I say this firmly now- you don't need to beg for forgiveness. You are about to be a Mum- you will be guiding and leading your daughter through life; and she will face many of these stupid assumptions (latest from a boy in my DD class "girls can't play football."

She doesn't need this shite from her Nan- and if she does, be prepared and strong enough to shut it down asap.

"It's a personal preference and I just don't want to gender stereotype my baby before they can decide"

Ahhhhh youre one of those, got help that poor child and anyone who agrees is part of the problem!

Fighting over a baby that's not even here yet, when it should be a time to celebrate.

As others have said, you're projecting your ideas on your baby. Same way your dm did.
Why not accept the gifts and only dress her in those when visiting your dm?
When baby/young girl is old enough to choose, they could go shopping together.

You say you forgave her for dressing you a certain way, so why bring it up now?

Hope you can mend it OP. Of course it's hurtful to her as she thought she was doing her best.
SM is full of girls dressed in matching outfits with their mums, they haven't agreed and might have different styles when older, but not worth starting arguments over.

I think it’s strange she is causing stress to her pregnant daughter. I’m assuming she has a history of taking offence and behaving like this.
i think you are worrying too much about who said what. The fact it has tipped over into a full on sulk on her part is not good. I would be tempted to ignore, not pander to and feed her with the attention she is seeking. Ignore and step back whenever she behaves like this and don’t engage in arguments.