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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you fall out with your adult child....

162 replies

charmanderflame · 15/02/2025 07:33

...If you felt they had criticised something about the way they were brought up?

My mum is currently not speaking to me because she feels I said something that criticised my upbringing.

It happened after she said she is going to dress my child up in pink frilly dresses like a little dolly if it's a girl (I'm currently pregnant). I said politely that we would rather go for more neutral clothing until they're old enough to choose.

She was annoyed, wouldn't accept it and kept needling me about why I 'won't let a baby girl look like a girl'.

So eventually I told her it was because I felt pressure in my childhood to look a certain way for her, which wasn't who I am, and I didn't really feel accepted for my true self. It's a personal preference and I just don't want to gender stereotype my baby before they can decide.

She is saying I am ungrateful and have made her feel like crap. She's giving me silent treatment and totally denied my feelings.

I know I probably shouldn't have said it but she was really pressuring me and winding me up about my parenting choices, and at the end of the day it's the truth.

YABU - yes I would fall out with my child if they said this.
YANBU - no, she should be a bit more humble and accept that no one is perfect

OP posts:
Onelifeonly · 15/02/2025 09:37

Dweetfidilove · 15/02/2025 08:33

Sounds about right.

Your mom will likely (hopefully) soon come round, apologise and move on.

Show quote history

If she is like mine was, she will never apologise. Took me decades to work that out. However, she did let things subside and move on.

Toseland · 15/02/2025 09:43

There's a lot of crap about gender at the moment - people saying "being their true selves"! Gender stereotypes are back in fashion, despite us breaking them in the 1980s.
It seems to me that the media, politicians and schools are pushing 'gender identity' very hard and kids today seem so desperate to conform to it.
Perhaps your Mum is picking up on this and very rightly worrying about the type of society her grandchild is growing up in.

aCatCalledFawkes · 15/02/2025 09:43

I think she's being unreasonable to make a big deal about it.

Is it your first baby? My SIL has just had her first baby and of course my Mum went straight in there with her "helpful" suggestions which were all based on her being a wonderful parent. My SIL just ignored most of it TBH as it was so dated and we all just ignored my Mum when she went on about various things like babies sleeping on their sides not on their backs etc.

chollysawcutt · 15/02/2025 09:43

Firenzeflower · 15/02/2025 07:41

It all seems a bit odd. But as a mother of one adult and two teens you do get a bit bored of criticism. I know it’s part of cutting/severing the umbilical cord but even low level criticism can sting.
Teens can be relentless - but when they all go on about things I dressed them in as kids it can sometimes be a bit much. I know I didn’t do it to my mum. They all agree they had amazing childhoods and I know they love me but it’s tedious.

Totally this!

Also, if you have a 'spiky' relationship with her, be prepared for all of that to come into sharp focus when you have your own child. You might want to rehearse or think about how you will approach or react to the inevitable.

'They do not mean to, but they do'...Philip Larkin was not wrong....

OldChairMan · 15/02/2025 09:45

I know I probably shouldn't have said it but she was really pressuring me and winding me up about my parenting choices, and at the end of the day it's the truth.

Why do you now feel you probably shouldn't have? Solely because of her awful reaction. She's trained you to capitulate to her.

You'll need some very clear boundaries in place before you give birth, which she will absolutely give you hell for attempting. Limiting contact is probably the only way.

Have a look at the introductory post on this thread:

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5272966-february-2025-well-we-took-you-to-stately-homes

Original poster
charmanderflame · 15/02/2025 09:50

TourangaLeila · 15/02/2025 09:31

We all project our own taste onto our children as babies.

You are doing the exact same thing as her.

Neither of you are wrong, you are just being judgy about it.

I completely acknowledge that - and also the comment above that everyone makes mistakes.

In fact, I said quite bluntly to my mum during the conversation that I will make mistakes with my child, as everyone does. There's no way around that. There is no perfect parent. There is no way NOT to project your own tastes onto a baby, before they are old enough to have their own opinion.

She couldn't cope with the idea that anything she did was less than perfect, even though I said multiple times that it was OK.

Honestly I forgave her for it a long time ago - I just want to try not to do the same to my kid - whether that's right or wrong remains to be seen. We all do our best based on our own experience.

The point really is that this time it's my child and they're my mistakes to make - so she needs to understand/ respect that.

OP posts:
Thirteenblackcat · 15/02/2025 09:51

Coconutter24 · 15/02/2025 08:25

I said politely that we would rather go for more neutral clothing until they're old enough to choose.

If you saw a beautiful pink dress you loved would you not get it because of the colour?

I wouldn’t, because pink washes me out.

Original poster
charmanderflame · 15/02/2025 09:52

Onelifeonly · 15/02/2025 09:37

If she is like mine was, she will never apologise. Took me decades to work that out. However, she did let things subside and move on.

Show quote history

Yeah, she'll never apologise. That's not a thing she does.

OP posts:
Original poster
charmanderflame · 15/02/2025 09:54

Happyinarcon · 15/02/2025 09:35

I genuinely wouldn’t care, I’m fed up with typically feminine things being demonised while typically male things are celebrated. We act like pink frills are disgusting on girls but fine on boys. I dressed my daughter in primary colours because that’s what I liked but the minute she could choose for herself it was pink glitter sparkly unicorns and that’s 100% ok.

I completely agree, and I'm not against pink at all. I bought my 2 yr old niece a hot pink sunhat last year which she loves.

It's more the idea that she wants my baby to be her doll/ plaything if it's a girl - and she will need to be made to look 'pretty'. The pink frills are just an example.

OP posts:
MercurialButton · 15/02/2025 09:54

Take a step back.

You are inflamed that a grandmother, excited about a baby girl, had expressed to you, openly. That she is excited to dress the baby in something pretty, and pink.

what is the problem? Pink or pretty? Or that she wants baby to wearing something she thinks will be lovely.

Should she have said … “can’t wait to dress baby in beige onesie. I don’t want to conform to heteronormative gender stereotype. Do not want people to comment about baby’s appearance with gendered words. Looking forward to concealing her gender until she can decide. “
That would be the mental grandma to be wary of!

BTW …people will ask baby gender and then say the words … handsome or pretty. Get ready.

Bubblesgun · 15/02/2025 09:55

charmanderflame · 15/02/2025 07:33

...If you felt they had criticised something about the way they were brought up?

My mum is currently not speaking to me because she feels I said something that criticised my upbringing.

It happened after she said she is going to dress my child up in pink frilly dresses like a little dolly if it's a girl (I'm currently pregnant). I said politely that we would rather go for more neutral clothing until they're old enough to choose.

She was annoyed, wouldn't accept it and kept needling me about why I 'won't let a baby girl look like a girl'.

So eventually I told her it was because I felt pressure in my childhood to look a certain way for her, which wasn't who I am, and I didn't really feel accepted for my true self. It's a personal preference and I just don't want to gender stereotype my baby before they can decide.

She is saying I am ungrateful and have made her feel like crap. She's giving me silent treatment and totally denied my feelings.

I know I probably shouldn't have said it but she was really pressuring me and winding me up about my parenting choices, and at the end of the day it's the truth.

YABU - yes I would fall out with my child if they said this.
YANBU - no, she should be a bit more humble and accept that no one is perfect

Of course you were right.
she asked;
you explained;
she got ombrage to you being honest? Thats her issue not yours.

you ve put up the boundaries to protect your unborn child. Good on you. If she cant deal with that thats her problem.

you? You move on now. And if she breaches the subject again: just repeat what you say with kindness and honesty until
she gets the message.

plus it isnt her baby to “dress up like a doll”

LynetteScavo · 15/02/2025 09:55

Honestly, I think you were both in the wrong. It seems a bit extreme for her to be ignoring you though.

HoraceCope · 15/02/2025 09:56

all seems a bit unnecessary op and you do seem combative, you have not had the baby yet?

Thirteenblackcat · 15/02/2025 09:56

charmanderflame · 15/02/2025 09:50

I completely acknowledge that - and also the comment above that everyone makes mistakes.

In fact, I said quite bluntly to my mum during the conversation that I will make mistakes with my child, as everyone does. There's no way around that. There is no perfect parent. There is no way NOT to project your own tastes onto a baby, before they are old enough to have their own opinion.

She couldn't cope with the idea that anything she did was less than perfect, even though I said multiple times that it was OK.

Honestly I forgave her for it a long time ago - I just want to try not to do the same to my kid - whether that's right or wrong remains to be seen. We all do our best based on our own experience.

The point really is that this time it's my child and they're my mistakes to make - so she needs to understand/ respect that.

Edited
Show quote history

It sounds as though she is either oblivious and can’t see that she has made mistakes, or is insecure and is projecting that on to you.

either way, it’s up to her to sort that out in her own head.

were you an 80s/90s child? The photos from my childhood make me laugh now, the dresses my Mum bought for us were very pretty don’t get me wrong but a very certain style, which I think was of the time.

She probably thinks she was doing her very best and is stunned to hear that you didn’t agree with her taste.

Be prepared for her forcing her ideas about everything on you

caramac04 · 15/02/2025 10:00

As the DM of adult DC I think any comment about my parenting has to be taken on the chin. Your DM needs to accept that things were different in her day and that you will make choices for your dc which may not align with hers.
If she wants a good relationship with you then she needs to keep quiet. This is your dc not hers.
I’m sure my dd’s have said the odd thing about my parenting but nothing major. I wouldn’t disagree, may be a little sad I had got it wrong but explain why I did what I did.

Meadowfinch · 15/02/2025 10:01

In her place I would shrug and say "It's your choice for the world we live in now, just as it was my choice for the world we lived in then."

And leave it at that. She's being childish.

mastercheat · 15/02/2025 10:03

I think it’s quite hurtful when you do the best you can for your child and they throw it back in your face years later. As a parent no matter how hard you try, your kids will always find some reason to criticise and if it something constructive you could change going forward it would feel more constructive- but it’s often the thing that was such a small thing at the time but has developed a life of its own. I don’t agree with the way your mum has handled the situation - falling out etc but a little bit of sensitivity on your part wouldn’t go a miss. No way did I want to bring my kids up like she did me - but why on earth would I tell her that - I’m not 13 years old, I’ve got a filter.

Sonolanona · 15/02/2025 10:12

If you generally get on ok, then let it ride...
Honestly there will be times when she messes up as a grandparent and you as a parent and clothing preferences aren't the hill to die on.
She feels hurt because your reaction, while perfectly reasonable, was also hurtful... no one wants to be told they were a crap parent no matter how old they are.
I have four adult kids, and now two grandchildren and I'm sure I made plenty of mistakes when they were small, and many more that they were clear about when they were teens(!) but we have a very good relationship as adults because we work at it. It might have been kinder to say that you prefer neutrals but Granny can do the odd pink dress... :)
In the long run your child will have her own preferences anyway... my dgs started in gorgeous Frugi striped leggings and tops and at 3 is suddenly only wanting to wear superheroes...such is life! DGD is just a week old and while she will be wearing mostly her brothers stripy leggings and tops, I did pop out for a little pink velour babygro for the sheer novelty of it Grin (didn't know the sex and we all thought she would be another boy so it was a surprise..I was there are the birth ..when the midwife turned her over!)

As she's not the sort to apologise just let it ride... it will pass:)

DollydaydreamTheThird · 15/02/2025 10:13

Nospecialcharactersplease · 15/02/2025 07:43

I wonder if she sees the irony that her disproportionately negative reaction to you saying that you couldn’t express yourself a child also prevents you from expressing yourself as an adult.

This. I would get some therapy before baby is born OP, maybe seek out some transactional analysis which looks at relationships and childhood. Your mum sounds like she is used to getting her own way. Falling out with you over this is very childish. If she doesn't reflect on what you have honestly revealed and come back to apologise to you then you should not waste anymore energy thinking about it. I agree with other posters that now is an excellent time to set some boundaries with her about how you want to do things as a parent. This is your child not hers.

mastercheat · 15/02/2025 10:14

charmanderflame · 15/02/2025 09:54

I completely agree, and I'm not against pink at all. I bought my 2 yr old niece a hot pink sunhat last year which she loves.

It's more the idea that she wants my baby to be her doll/ plaything if it's a girl - and she will need to be made to look 'pretty'. The pink frills are just an example.

Show quote history

My dd went down the pink route - her choice not mine! But the whole “pink stinks” thing was large at the time - she starting loving pink in secret. I felt so angry at the stupidity of targeting the hatred of pink so aggressively that an 8 year old girl feels she has to hide all her pink things. She still loves pink in her 20s.

Hollyhocksandlarkspur · 15/02/2025 10:14

You told the truth when pushed OP. A powerful moment. Hold on to your values for your DC. Agree with grey rock. Have used it for forty years with my DM much less conflict.🙄.

Can’t believe we still have segregated aisles of toys and clothes - flowers for girls, dinosaurs for boys. For goodness sake can’t we let them just be humans and choose once old enough. (DDs given lots of bright primary coloured practical clothes in 90s). Not about reassigning sex as PP, but about not limiting anyone in confining cliches. Just say clearly what your wishes are and then ignore any pushing of boundaries and her not respecting them(pink frilly dresses often shrink in the wash or accidentally go in the charity bag).

Have a few bland phrases ready to bat away future comments eg “ Everyone's different aren’t they?” (careless shrug), or if feeling brave: “Well it’s our turn to be parents now so it’s up to us isn’t it?”, Or go to the loo/hear the doorbell ringing/be needed urgently by DC.🤣

AliceMcK · 15/02/2025 10:15

Tell her if she didn’t want to hear your opinion she shouldn’t have pushed you.

She’s had her turn dressing you up like a doll as is her right as a mother, it’s now your turn to choose how you dress your child, she dosnt need to like it but needs to grow up and accept it.

Be careful, she sounds like she will ignore your wishes and go all out pink just to spite you.

BobbyBiscuits · 15/02/2025 10:16

The short answer is no. I can't imagine anyone NOT criticising at least one aspect of their parents version of their upbringing. Nobody gets it right all of the time! Not even the best mum in the world.

RandomMess · 15/02/2025 10:18

@Newname71 much the same here!

My eldest is in her late 20s and is now more compassionate about who I was back then. Undiagnosed ND parent who had parenting that has left me with cPTSD.

Even my youngest admits she was a hideous younger teen at times. Then in the next breathe how awful I am 🙄😬🤷🏽‍♀️

ItGhoul · 15/02/2025 10:21

Coconutter24 · 15/02/2025 08:25

I said politely that we would rather go for more neutral clothing until they're old enough to choose.

If you saw a beautiful pink dress you loved would you not get it because of the colour?

Who cares what someone else buys for their baby? The post is about the OP’s relationship with her mother, who is refusing to talk to her over an inconsequential issue. The fact that the OP doesn’t want to dress her baby in pink frills is neither here nor there.

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