Would you fall out with your adult child....

[charmanderflame]

...If you felt they had criticised something about the way they were brought up?

My mum is currently not speaking to me because she feels I said something that criticised my upbringing.

It happened after she said she is going to dress my child up in pink frilly dresses like a little dolly if it's a girl (I'm currently pregnant). I said politely that we would rather go for more neutral clothing until they're old enough to choose.

She was annoyed, wouldn't accept it and kept needling me about why I 'won't let a baby girl look like a girl'.

So eventually I told her it was because I felt pressure in my childhood to look a certain way for her, which wasn't who I am, and I didn't really feel accepted for my true self. It's a personal preference and I just don't want to gender stereotype my baby before they can decide.

She is saying I am ungrateful and have made her feel like crap. She's giving me silent treatment and totally denied my feelings.

I know I probably shouldn't have said it but she was really pressuring me and winding me up about my parenting choices, and at the end of the day it's the truth.

YABU - yes I would fall out with my child if they said this.
YANBU - no, she should be a bit more humble and accept that no one is perfect

This.

The fact you are even questioning whether you should've said anything or not shows you have been brought up accepting mums way is the right way and to keep your trap shut.

Your mum is struggling with the fact you're an adult now and she doesn't get to tell you what to do.

Leave her to stew and you concentrate on looking after yourself and your bump. It's not about her any more and she needs to realise that. It doesn't have to be a steaming row but she is completely in the wrong and you don't need to apologise/chase her.

Just leave her to sit with what's been said.

That is true and by then it will be the child's choice.

Pink and frilly for a tiny baby sounds scratchy and uncomfortable.

Are you planning on using your mother for extensive childcare?

Otherwise, why on earth would your mother be regularly dressing her?

I completely agree with this.

Its almost as if being feminine is a dirty word now.

Its ok to dress your DD in pink frilly dresses.
You are not forcing her to be a gender that she is not comfortable with.
At that age they literally don’t care/aren’t even aware.

As they get older then they can have more choice over the type of clothes they want to wear and what colour.

If she’s anything like my DD it will be a pink frilly princess dress one day and a Spider-Man outfit then next.

There is a balance.
You are pushing your views onto your DD as much as your mum is.

Let your mum buy DD whatever she wants and focus more on how much she loves her and wants to be part of her life and less on trying to be woke.

She's talking about gender, not sex.

Not to mention impractical

Yes, that will be the case. Time to say no to what you do not agree with it - remembering always that she has had her turn and this will be your baby.

She's only going to get worse unfortunately. Past generations can't tolerate the idea that future ones do things differently.

You can make up with her but it will happen over and over again with everything - naps, weaning, nursery, school - until you're sick to death of it and your relationship is ruined. And then of course it will be all your fault and you'll be made out to be the bad person even though all your peers are doing the same as you.

It's a shame some parents feel the need to act that way.

Tbh you both sound controlling and not open to actually what any child might want to wear

I would have loved pink frills as a child but wasn’t allowed them.

My mother would tell people that I could wear what I liked but always chose boys stuff to put on. But the only things I got bought were trousers and T-shirts meant for boys from market stalls because they were practical and hard wearing.

I think my mother had some sort of idea that dressing me as a boy and me being bullied for looking like a boy meant I would grow up into a strong practical woman and not have any airy fairy ideas about cooking, sewing or being a secretary. Instead I left school at 16 with 1 O level and was married 6 months later
It had the very opposite effect because it took away all my confidence and self esteem.

I have always let dd and ds choose their outfits as soon as they were able to point. Dd would dress herself for nursery at 2 years old
White jeans a pink summer dress and her silver wellington boots were her favourite look.
DS has always gone for bright colours.

If dd wanted to wear a tutu and anorak to go to the supermarket in then that was what she wore. Only influence I had on their outfits was weather related.

I'm sure most of us here know that clothes are essentially just things that cover your nakedness, keep you warm and all the rest, and any meaning we attach to them is just that - some qualities we humans endow them with and are pretty much meaningless.

So what's really going on with your mother, OP? She may be trying to have her time with a baby again, perhaps she feels she stuffed up the first time (and is probably well on her way to doing it again, I suspect). Is she jealous?

Stick to your guns: your child, your rules.

Oh sorry haha! I have 2 girls and wasn’t really attracted to the colours but the style, I hated overly formal pretty dresses though for every day wear, my girls spent most of the early months in sleep suit, leggings, rompers and comfy practical things like that.

The over the top dresses remind me a bit of big fat gypsy wedding type outfits

Some pink frilly dresses are appalling - scratchy net and uncomfortable. Most dresses are impractical for crawling babies. No one would have been allowed to dress my DC in stuff like that.

Yeah I agree with this - it was maybe a bit unnecessary and hurtful to bring this back to your own childhood rather than just differing taste in baby clothes.

It feels like a lot of people these days who had objectively good childhoods are desperate to try and pick fault, usually with a therapist. Having tried therapy myself and never stuck at it, I felt very frustrated by their efforts to pin every problem I might face as an adult on the fact that I had a working mother 30 years ago etc etc. I think that’s absolutely fair if there has been actual neglect or negligence but there is no one right way to parent anyway, so it feels a bit pointless to get hung up on something that isn’t necessarily wrong and may just have been a difference of opinion or the way things were done at the time. In 20/30 years is there going to be an influx of adults going to therapy to deal with the consequences of their parents’ “gentle parenting”? Possibly - but those parents are probably mostly doing what they feel is the best for their children with the information and resources they have at this present time.

Oh god, OP. This gives me chills (and flashbacks 😥)

Your mum sounds so controlling.

She doesn't like what you said so she's giving you the silent treatment.

She controlled you as a child, and now you're an adult, it's harder.

If it hadn't have been about the clothes, it would be about something else.

I hope you have support to put boundaries (and massive walls) up.
You don't need someone like this in your life, or your family's, although I appreciate having been brought up to tread on eggshells, it's much easier said than done 💕💕

She can’t get her own way so she’s sulking. She’s the child.

I think that’s fair enough and you obviously felt like you had to defend your choices. I would say however as someone who’s parents are no longer around, that unless your mother is a generally horrible person I would try to appreciate the fact that she is clearly excited and wants to be involved with your daughter. What she would choose to dress your baby in really isn’t that important. Sometimes my MIL says or picks things for my children that wouldn’t necessarily be my own choice, but ultimately that’s mostly a matter of taste or generational ideas, and I know that she loves them and it never comes from a bad place.

The silent treatment isn't a bad option with someone that dysfunctional. Just get on with other stuff and more pleasant people

No I never fall out with my adult DS. I don't interfere for a start. If they wanted to dress a child up like Bozo the clown that would be their problem. I help them out whenever I can and make myself scarce if I need to.
Nobody wants a domineering mum/mil. There is respect all round.

I’ve just finished listening to a very interesting podcast called Unfollowing Mum which addresses estrangement and parents inability to be accountable to their adult children for rupturing that occurred in their childhood.
I’ve told my 3 adult children to please address any issues they uncovere once they have their own children because although I tried my best I know I ruptured the relationship at times and although apologised for some things I’m sure other aspects of sub optimal parenting will come up. I’m very happy to listen, apologise and work through it with them .
Having a baby is a very triggering time.
I also read Philippa Perry’s book and thought it was excellent.

You are inflamed that a grandmother, excited about a baby girl, had expressed to you, openly. That she is excited to dress the baby in something pretty, and pink.

what is the problem? Pink or pretty? Or that she wants baby to wearing something she thinks will be lovely.

The problem is the grandmother deciding she wants to dress a baby (that isn't hers) a certain way without waiting to see what the parents choose.

Should she have said … “can’t wait to dress baby in beige onesie. I don’t want to conform to heteronormative gender stereotype. Do not want people to comment about baby’s appearance with gendered words. Looking forward to concealing her gender until she can decide. “

Why does she need to say anything at all about how a baby will be dressed? Why not say she can't wait to give it cuddles or tell it stories or anything else? My MIL commented on some onesies we'd bought before my daughter was born, "oh but you want your baby all dressed in white" I said, no I don't they will be a nightmare to keep clean, she said "right enough, those ones won't stain" and that was it.

BTW …people will ask baby gender and then say the words … handsome or pretty. Get ready.

Mine was dressed in neutral stuff, people rarely asked, mostly they used "beautiful" If they asked, I told them, it really was no big deal. Not everyone wants to slap a big bow on a bald baby just so people know it's a girl.

If you had brought it up out of the blue then I might have thought you were being a bit U but when she starts saying what SHE will do with YOUR baby then she can f the f off.

I think though that its not just clothes, its the "girls are pink and frilly" message.

I mean for a baby, a dress that would look lovely on a baby

I wouldn't be drawn to a pink coloured anything because I don't like the colour pink. I wouldn't think something would look lovely if I don't like the colour.

I never particularly liked really frilly over the top dresses either. Mine had sleep suits, dresses with tights, leggings and tops which usually were pink or had pink on them. I just find it odd that someone wouldn’t use a colour like pink because it’s known as a ‘girl’ colour and opt for neutrals until the child can decide for themselves what colours they like

Same with me...I was never allowed all the sparkly pink things I wanted as a child, and was made to feel embarrassed, as if they were no good and I shouldn't like them. Now I get my DDs all the 'beautiful' sparkly things they want, because that's what they like.