Would you fall out with your adult child....

[charmanderflame]

...If you felt they had criticised something about the way they were brought up?

My mum is currently not speaking to me because she feels I said something that criticised my upbringing.

It happened after she said she is going to dress my child up in pink frilly dresses like a little dolly if it's a girl (I'm currently pregnant). I said politely that we would rather go for more neutral clothing until they're old enough to choose.

She was annoyed, wouldn't accept it and kept needling me about why I 'won't let a baby girl look like a girl'.

So eventually I told her it was because I felt pressure in my childhood to look a certain way for her, which wasn't who I am, and I didn't really feel accepted for my true self. It's a personal preference and I just don't want to gender stereotype my baby before they can decide.

She is saying I am ungrateful and have made her feel like crap. She's giving me silent treatment and totally denied my feelings.

I know I probably shouldn't have said it but she was really pressuring me and winding me up about my parenting choices, and at the end of the day it's the truth.

YABU - yes I would fall out with my child if they said this.
YANBU - no, she should be a bit more humble and accept that no one is perfect

Your mum was just goading you with her comments as she obviously knows your views on pink/sparkly sterotypically girlie clothes. She obviously just wanted an argument.

She's had her turn to be a mum with you and did exactly what she wanted. It's your turn now and I would let her sulk and I certainly wouldn't try to contact her to appease her or to apologise.

OP is not inflamed about anything. She says:

'She just kept pushing on it and being argumentative, demanding that I explain why I won't let a baby girl be a girl, telling me it would be somehow damaging for the baby etc.

It got to a point where I couldn't see any other way than to explain, I felt quite hemmed into a corner to be honest and like I had to defend/ justify myself.'

The problem is not that she wants to dress OP's child in pink frilly clothes, it's that she wants to override OP's decisions about how she wants to dress her baby. She dressed OP in pink frills when she was a baby/child even though OP didn't like it. It was her prerogative as a mother to choose her daughter's clothes. It's now OP's turn to decide how to dress her baby. It also sounds as though her mum was spoiling for a fight and deliberately goading her.

If OP, completely unprompted, told her mum that if her baby was a girl she wasn't going to dress her in pink, girly stuff as she hated how her mum dressed her when she was a child, you would have a point.

However, it was her mum who brought up the subject of how she would dress OP's baby and when OP said that she preferred more neutral colours, she became argumentative and demanding, telling OP that it would damage the baby.

She is now sulking and refusing to speak to OP. I don't think that it is OP that doesn't have a filter. She has also said that she has had loads of therapy about how to deal with her mum. I don't think that OP is the bad guy here.

She sounds like she's being silly. You're going to be the parent and you get to dress your baby to your taste until they're old enough to object and have their own opinions (around 2.5/3 in my experience).

I don’t think the op will gain anything from telling her mother she didn’t like the way she was parented - her mum sounds very difficult, you might think that giving honest feedback is going to help but it is more likely to inflame - that’s the ops choice - her mother will never change.

“ she should be a bit more humble and accept that no one is perfect”

OP, that no-one is perfect is a self-evident truth, but few of us care to have our imperfections raked over - and frankly, what point, after the event? To expect her to be humble, though, is quite another matter, and I can understand that if that is your expectation, she won’t give along with it. Your DM parented you as she saw fit; as with all parents, there are good bits and bad bits, but there are ways and ways of going about telling your DM. You want to dress your child neutrally - that’s fine and your prerogative - so tell your DM that frills are out because they’re a pain to launder, and you’d prefer neutral colours to pink or blue. You’ve attacked your DM over something about which she can do nothing - are you really saying that you were dolled up like Shirley Temple while all your mates were in dungarees? You’ve clearly upset your DM, so you will have to find some way of making the peace- I have no doubt that she is looking forward to being a grandmother, and frankly, if you do have a DD and she buys her a frilly dress, then take a photo, send it to your DM, and don’t put her in it again. Your child, your choice - but you don’t have to fall out with your mother over it!

You're not unreasonable.

It sounds like she's emotionally immature. I suspect there's more that you could criticise about your upbringing, but it doesn't seem like your mum would be open to a discussion. Don't feel guilty, you did nothing wrong.

It sounds like all this is a pattern.

I empathise!

I mean for a baby, a dress that would look lovely on a baby

@sesquipedalian To clarify, she has fallen out with me, not the other way round.

I have reached out several times, apologised, attempted to understand her viewpoint and help her understand mine, and she has simply given me silent treatment (after several angry outbursts/ shouting at me) so I have stopped.

This only came up in the first place when she prodded and needled me about it until I was hemmed into a corner and forced to explain my parenting choices.

I didn't 'attack' her - I was forced to defend/ explain my own position and she took it extremely badly when she heard the truth.

It's not that I don't understand that might be hurtful for her as a parent, but I think her reaction is completely disproportionate, and she was being very provocative to begin with.

Absolutely never chase someone who is punishing you. Amateur move. Enjoy the peace. She’ll be back.

I can't envisage any situation that would stop me talking to my children. We'd discuss it like mature adults. Your mother is being very childish.

Because it gives insight to how unreasonable people are being. If OP is only buying neutral until baby can decide their own taste that is a bit daft, if neutral over stereotypical colours are OP tastes then that not so daft. Ops mum made a comment about pink frilly dresses which is not a crime to say, plenty of people gush over cute pink baby clothes. Her mum not speaking to her is a massive over reaction.

I wouldn't fall out with my kids, no. I might be a bit hurt (and possibly ashamed) but if they criticised their upbringing I'd either explain my point of view and try and listen to theirs or I'd just apologise and go away and be hurt by myself later - I wouldn't tell them I was hurt.

Actually it's a bit odd in that my kids had, from my POV, quite a tough upbringing; five kids, single mum who yelled a lot and was always stressed, no money - and yet to hear them tell you'd think they'd grown up in an Enid Blyton book. They are always complimentary about my parenting (which was dreadful quite a lot of the time) and speak very fondly about their childhoods.

Stp trying to beg for her forgiveness.
Let her have her tantrum and her sulk.
When she's ready to be a grown up, you'll still be there.

I suspect the clothing thing is the least of the issues here. You obviously have a tricky relationship and there's lots to unpick.
My kids seem to think I'm a good mum but I know that I'm not perfect. If in the future they come at me with criticism, I'd like to think that I'd take it on the chin!
My mum wasn't always the best but she absolutely DID her best in less-than-ideal circumstances.
Live and let live.

That. I don't criticise my (lovely) kids, but they have occasionally criticised decisions I made in my parenting. It hurts like hell (and they're very trivial things). I try not to let it show, and wouldn't fall out with them about it of course. But I don't think people realise what it feels to be on the other end of that.

Was I perfect? No but I was pretty damn good. And they're not perfect either, but I don't feel the need to tell them.

On Mumsnet people are hugely sensitive to a hint of criticism or advice from their parents, but feel justified in criticising them. Major issues aside, it's all a bit hypocritical.

So yes, your mum shouldn't have stopped speaking to you @charmanderflame but I don't think you recognise how much you hurt her, either. Let her lick her wounds, and hopefully she'll come round. And maybe think about occasionally referencing something she actually did right and that you appreciate.

Sorry but your mum sounds horrendous. She wouldn't be getting anywhere near a child of mine, let alone dressing it.

I dunno, I can understand your mum is pissed off. Pink and frilly for girls was a common clothing choice in the 90’s , early 2000’s especially if your mum shopped at next ( which everyone did 😂) It’s a silly thing to fall out over imo. She chose clothes with love at the time and based on the selection and budget she had.
let it go.
it’s a bit much when adult kids criticise parenting choices through a 2025 lens. Your future daughter may well criticise the “neutral” choices you want to make for her now and wish you had dressed her in pink and fall out with you over it in 25 years time.
concentrate on all the good mothering your mother did and not on the few things you wish were different but really matter little

This. You sound infuriatingly “woke” with an immature outlook.

And “neutral gender” clothing is just as much a fad now as pink and frilly was 20 years ago. Everything comes and goes.

Enjoy the silence from her. Is this normal behaviour from her if you disagree with her or she doesn't get her own way?

This behaviour from your mum is just a childish fit of pique because you didn't automatically agree with her and let her get her own way. You have mentioned having therapy and you may need to go back for some more as your pregnancy is a new situation where she is trying to assert her authority and control you.

The thing is, you wouldn't have said anything about her parenting if she had just agreed to what you said you wanted for your child. You said you didn't want frilly pink stuff and she pushed it. So she brought it on herself.

Nobody is perfect, everyone is new to parenting at some point, everyone learns as they go. So of course there are going to be things they could have done better.

And you are rude and insulting.

what is the betting that by the time your lo is 3 years old she will be permanently dressed in a pink fairy outfit