Would you fall out with your adult child....

[charmanderflame]

...If you felt they had criticised something about the way they were brought up?

My mum is currently not speaking to me because she feels I said something that criticised my upbringing.

It happened after she said she is going to dress my child up in pink frilly dresses like a little dolly if it's a girl (I'm currently pregnant). I said politely that we would rather go for more neutral clothing until they're old enough to choose.

She was annoyed, wouldn't accept it and kept needling me about why I 'won't let a baby girl look like a girl'.

So eventually I told her it was because I felt pressure in my childhood to look a certain way for her, which wasn't who I am, and I didn't really feel accepted for my true self. It's a personal preference and I just don't want to gender stereotype my baby before they can decide.

She is saying I am ungrateful and have made her feel like crap. She's giving me silent treatment and totally denied my feelings.

I know I probably shouldn't have said it but she was really pressuring me and winding me up about my parenting choices, and at the end of the day it's the truth.

YABU - yes I would fall out with my child if they said this.
YANBU - no, she should be a bit more humble and accept that no one is perfect

She has a right to feel upset and you had a right to air those feelings.

Don't make this the sword you fall on though. Most Mums are just trying to do their best with little guidance.

It's been said so make up and look forward to the birth of the baby together.

I don’t see the big deal in saying to your mum , you didn’t like the way she dressed you 🤷🏻‍♀️ & also that you’ll be doing you when it comes to dressing your baby 🤷🏻‍♀️
Sure none of these things are things to row about 😂 ..
Congrats on your pregnancy 🎈

You should have said it, you were perfectly within your rights to.

I'd just leave things as they are - not apologise or be proactive about contacting her but be open and welcoming to any contact she makes with you.

She feels hurt (not your fault!) because as far as she's concerned, she was doing what people did in those days. Being able to choose an identity with which you feel comfortable is a relatively new phenomenon. She probably needs time to process it, but I reckon she'll come round, particularly with a grandchild on the way.

Leaving the ball in her court will, I think, force her to think about her actions, past and present without a "get out" clause.

I think you handled the situation really well. The criticism, silent treatment and gas lighting are narcissistic behaviours. Some one wrote a lovely response about getting therapy. Having had a narcissistic mother, therapy transformed my life. I’m not saying your mum’s a narcissist, but being able to set boundaries is important, and that’s something a therapist can help you with.

I've heard comments about babies being strong to male and female babies. I think generally some people are taken by surprise at how strong newborns grips are, because they expect them to be frail and weak.
I myself have said my female cousin was a strong baby, because even as a newborn, her build was much more solid than my sister's, who was the exact same age and her clasp was harder to get out of once she grabbed our fingers.

I don't think I'd want to fall out over it, depending on your mum's age she might have very different ideas to you and be set into outdated ideas.

Of course she has no right to tell you how to bring your child up or how to dress them but I can appreciate that not everybody is up to speed with modern gender norms. The hardest thing for me in all this is any mum thinking they can dictate how their grandchildren are brought up - as long as they are loved, happy and healthy it should be unconditional, whether you dress them in pink, blue, yellow or whatever! Maybe find a way to get that across (I know, easier said than done) as all children are beautiful no matter what they wear! Good luck!

I'm glad I'm not the only one that found that part odd. Are we really saying that people decide if they were born a boy or born a girl now? This is getting beyond ridiculous.

No. You're confusing gender stereotypes with sex.

Sex: All humans are either female or male.
Gender stereotype: Girls like pink and boys like blue.

This! Times a million.

You are pregnant which means you accept yourself as female, if you have a baby of either gender, why put your insecurities on your child? They will be male or female, so don’t pressure your child to decide what gender they will be when they already are one?

Bare in mind your child will probably find something they don’t like about their child hood no matter how hard you try to be the best parents. Times change who knows what will be ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ in twenty years ‘. Maybe it will be decided neutral colours aren’t good for babies intelligence and your child will ask you why they weren’t dressed in bright patterned garments 🤣

It is only wrong IF your niece's parents asked or told you not to and you did it anyway.

The dress sounds cute to me and it isn't wrong just because it has flowers or is frilly. The part that would make it wrong is if someone told you no and you didn't listen.