Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you fall out with your adult child....

162 replies

charmanderflame · 15/02/2025 07:33

...If you felt they had criticised something about the way they were brought up?

My mum is currently not speaking to me because she feels I said something that criticised my upbringing.

It happened after she said she is going to dress my child up in pink frilly dresses like a little dolly if it's a girl (I'm currently pregnant). I said politely that we would rather go for more neutral clothing until they're old enough to choose.

She was annoyed, wouldn't accept it and kept needling me about why I 'won't let a baby girl look like a girl'.

So eventually I told her it was because I felt pressure in my childhood to look a certain way for her, which wasn't who I am, and I didn't really feel accepted for my true self. It's a personal preference and I just don't want to gender stereotype my baby before they can decide.

She is saying I am ungrateful and have made her feel like crap. She's giving me silent treatment and totally denied my feelings.

I know I probably shouldn't have said it but she was really pressuring me and winding me up about my parenting choices, and at the end of the day it's the truth.

YABU - yes I would fall out with my child if they said this.
YANBU - no, she should be a bit more humble and accept that no one is perfect

OP posts:
Original poster
charmanderflame · 15/02/2025 08:00

Onelifeonly · 15/02/2025 07:55

You could have just said it's not your style, rather than referring back to what she did to you in childhood. It's easier to be assertive (and therefore get your way) if you don't involve emotion and express things factually.

But too late now. Just be clear you don't want frilly pink dresses etc and your baby won't be wearing them. If she's upset and you don't let it get to you, the only one suffering is her.

And to answer your question, no I accept my now grown up children first who they are and respect their choices.

Edited

Thanks, I did politely say it's not our style and we'd rather go for neutral clothing, multiple times (tbh she knows this anyway - before she even brought this up she knew it wouldn't be our style - so it almost felt like she was looking for an argument).

She just kept pushing on it and being argumentative, demanding that I explain why I won't let a baby girl be a girl, telling me it would be somehow damaging for the baby etc.

It got to a point where I couldn't see any other way than to explain, I felt quite hemmed into a corner to be honest and like I had to defend/ justify myself.

And to be honest, she already knows that too, because I was very vocal in my childhood/ teenager years about not wanting to dress the way she wanted me to.

OP posts:
Dogthespot · 15/02/2025 08:01

This issue aside, I’m guessing you have a somewhat thorny relationship with your mum?

2Rebecca · 15/02/2025 08:08

Ynbu You only told her because she pestered you. I think it's odd that a grandparent thinks that they get a say in what clothes a small child wears and that they care that much and I enjoy making clothes but if I have a grandchild I'll check parental preferences first and not make anything under 1 as they grow so fast.

Esperanza25 · 15/02/2025 08:09

Wow, your mother's reaction seems very off the mark to me! You are perfectly entitled to say what you said!
All my adult children have very occasionally criticised an aspect of my parenting and why wouldn't they, I wasn't perfect. Like a PP, I don't like it, but if justified, I apologise, explain and we move on. So no, I would never fall out with my adult children over that.
I would also say that your mother is overstepping boundaries- it's not for her to decide how to dress your child - that's up to you and the child's father!

Paradoes · 15/02/2025 08:12

Your mother was spoiling for a fight - she started this !

Mrsdyna · 15/02/2025 08:12

Bizarrely some mums can't cope when their daughters get pregnant. Mine acted similarly, like everything I did with my children that wasn't to her liking, or not how she did it, somehow made her feel attacked.

We don't talk much now.

Coconutter24 · 15/02/2025 08:25

I said politely that we would rather go for more neutral clothing until they're old enough to choose.

If you saw a beautiful pink dress you loved would you not get it because of the colour?

ImmortalSnowman · 15/02/2025 08:27

Frilly dresses on a reflux baby (or an explosive breastfed one) sounds like a circle of hell.

Any frilly dresses that come from your mum should meet that fate.

BeyondMyWits · 15/02/2025 08:29

Just remember that some of what you do as a mum will also be wrong. Parenting doesn't come with a manual.

We were very much dungarees, leggings, brown, orange, yellow - parents of 2 girls. "Why aren't there any pictures of me in a dress?, I like pink you know, I am a girl. I really didn't like the outdoorsy stuff, walking in the rain was horrid".

Was a bit knocked back by the (seemingly constant) criticism, but realised I was the same with my mum, and she with hers... all part of detachment from teens onwards.

Dweetfidilove · 15/02/2025 08:33

BeyondMyWits · 15/02/2025 08:29

Just remember that some of what you do as a mum will also be wrong. Parenting doesn't come with a manual.

We were very much dungarees, leggings, brown, orange, yellow - parents of 2 girls. "Why aren't there any pictures of me in a dress?, I like pink you know, I am a girl. I really didn't like the outdoorsy stuff, walking in the rain was horrid".

Was a bit knocked back by the (seemingly constant) criticism, but realised I was the same with my mum, and she with hers... all part of detachment from teens onwards.

Sounds about right.

Your mom will likely (hopefully) soon come round, apologise and move on.

Bluelightfairy · 15/02/2025 08:37

MinnieBalloon · 15/02/2025 07:45

I just don't want to gender stereotype my baby before they can decide.

Decide what? You know they don’t get to decide their sex, right? It isn’t a choice. If you have a boy, they’re always going to be a boy. Same if you have a girl.

Yes, but making boys only wear blue when they want to wear pink, makes them think they need to be a girl to wear pink. Forcing stereotypes creates this idea that sex can be changed or is an identity, not a fact of biology.
The OP is being very pragmatic in letting her daughter wear dinosaurs cos dinosaurs are cool not because they are for one gender!

CheekySnake · 15/02/2025 08:45

It's a tricky time when you have your first baby. It changes how you see your mother, especially if she wasn't a particularly good parent. And not everyone makes the transition into being a grandparent smoothly either. My own mother went a bit batshit over my first, was very possessive and odd, and also got very upset when her wants/feelings weren't put front and centre. (so I don't want to say be warned, but . . . be warned).

I'd had a very difficult childhood because my father was awful, and compared to him she'd seemed like a good parent, until I became a parent myself and realised that simply wasn't true. There hasn't been a catastrophic falling out but there's a lot that's been left unsaid. And she quickly got bored of my kids anyway and they became low priority as soon as they started walking and talking.

Porcuporpoise · 15/02/2025 08:51

MinnieBalloon · 15/02/2025 07:45

I just don't want to gender stereotype my baby before they can decide.

Decide what? You know they don’t get to decide their sex, right? It isn’t a choice. If you have a boy, they’re always going to be a boy. Same if you have a girl.

Presumably til they decide whether they'd like to conform with the stereotypes associated with their sex.

You know a preference for frilly dresses isn't hard-wired into girls yes?

LightDrizzle · 15/02/2025 09:03

My mum wasn’t argumentative like your mum, who was definitely pushing for a fight, but I had to be so careful with how I said things because she definitely could see me doing things differently to her as criticism of her. She was more passive aggressive about it “Well I suppose you must be upset I gave you inferior nutrition when you were a baby then …” - if I gave a defence of breastfeeding for example …She was pretty good though around me having babies because luckily she remembered how fierce she felt about us.

I think you may be less lucky with your mum, her needling away at this small and quite common preference that you had the gall to express is a bad sign.

DeepFatFried · 15/02/2025 09:08

It’s a self fulfilling thing: the Mum who made dressing you all about her own image is the same Mum who insists on the same with your baby, the Mum who needles you over your opinion rather than listening… that’s the Mum who then throws a tantrum when you tell her how you feel.

I wouldn’t fall out with grown up Dc because I wouldn’t do any of those things that led up to the situation. I hope.

1apenny2apenny · 15/02/2025 09:12

Sympathy OP I have been through similar and I had therapy which didn't help one bit.

Whilst I agree with other posters it's hard to accept criticism of your parenting, it's about bringing open and honest as well as admitting where you went wrong and apologising. Because of my situation with my parents I also try to explain to my DC why I did and why sometimes why I would do the same again.

Your mother sounds like mine, never done anything wrong, cannot discuss anything difficult on an adult to adult basis, tells blatant lies, makes things up. My dad backs her up in all of this. I now don't engage and often grey rock, it works for me. We do have a relationship but it's not as close as I thought it would be growing up.

Commonsenseisnotsocommon · 15/02/2025 09:18

No advice but a funny, if somewhat reassuring, ditty to share. Phillipa Perry has just released a new book all about relationships so my friend ordered it on Amazon. There was a promotion on so she could also add another book in which same author had written about parent child relationships and how you'll wish your parents had read it, and your own kids will be glad you did. She ordered both books. When they'd arrived at her house she unboxed them and had them sitting on the coffee table. Her mother called in for a cup of tea, clocked the books, asked what they were and when friend said "oh just about relationships and upbringings" her mother said "give me the name of that author, I'll get in touch and tell her how I raised you beautifully and wouldn't change a thing!" Straight face, not even a hint of understanding the irony of the situation!

Newname71 · 15/02/2025 09:20

RandomMess · 15/02/2025 07:41

My DC have each all criticised my parenting at some point. It hurts but I admit I'm not perfect so I apologise.

Mine too..
My 17 year old DS has ADHD and struggles to regulate his emotions (and his mouth! 😂). One day I’m the best mum that ever lived and the next the worst on the planet. Fortunately after raising 2 sons with ADHD I’ve got a pretty thick skin.
On a more serious note though I’ve never had a problem with either of them disagreeing with me or questioning my decisions. Like you, I can admit I’m not perfect and have made mistakes.
I’ve been honest and said most of the time they were growing up I was winging it!

Viviennemary · 15/02/2025 09:21

She sounds a bit of a pain. Just let her stew for a while. This isn't worth falling out over.

HotPotatoesies · 15/02/2025 09:23

Sounds a bit like your mum is upset with you for not respecting her parenting choices while simultaneously not respecting yours.

Just give it time - if you otherwise have a happy relationship she's probably just a bit hurt and needs time to feel a bit sorry for herself before resuming your relationship.

blackheartsgirl · 15/02/2025 09:27

RandomMess · 15/02/2025 07:41

My DC have each all criticised my parenting at some point. It hurts but I admit I'm not perfect so I apologise.

Same here.

my ds is who is now 25 with a family of his own has often told me about how shit things were for him as a child ( and they were, I was in a dv relationship for years)

it hurt but the fault is entirely mine, I should have walked away sooner, we’ve talked about it, I’ve apologised, we both see things from each others point of view and hopefully we have some kind of closure.

my dm on the other hand never acknowledged the harm she did to me and my siblings as children and I swore I’d never repeat this with my own dc

AngelinaFibres · 15/02/2025 09:29

My father was a child psychologist. I was born in the 60s and I'm female with 2 younger brothers. I was dressed in dungarees and trousers in neutral colours because then they could be passed down to my brothers I'd have killed to wear pink and frilly .

TourangaLeila · 15/02/2025 09:31

We all project our own taste onto our children as babies.

You are doing the exact same thing as her.

Neither of you are wrong, you are just being judgy about it.

Happyinarcon · 15/02/2025 09:35

I genuinely wouldn’t care, I’m fed up with typically feminine things being demonised while typically male things are celebrated. We act like pink frills are disgusting on girls but fine on boys. I dressed my daughter in primary colours because that’s what I liked but the minute she could choose for herself it was pink glitter sparkly unicorns and that’s 100% ok.

AngelinaFibres · 15/02/2025 09:37

AngelinaFibres · 15/02/2025 09:29

My father was a child psychologist. I was born in the 60s and I'm female with 2 younger brothers. I was dressed in dungarees and trousers in neutral colours because then they could be passed down to my brothers I'd have killed to wear pink and frilly .

I had 2 sons and I now have 2 grandsons. If I'd had girls they would have been dressed as stereotypical girls simply because I could (and because I never was). As PP said, you are doing what you want. Your mother did what she wanted . You will be no more perfect a parent than the rest of us . Your time for criticism will come.