Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to think OH shouldn’t go on family holiday without us?

163 replies

Peachy789 · 15/02/2025 05:50

Long story short his mother has booked a holiday to France in a private villa for his parents, brother family (gf+new baby) and us (me, bf and our 2DD.) Holiday was booked after I’d already said no me and the girls weren’t going. I’ve fallen out with his mother many times because she has zero respect for me (for example forward facing my 2 year old after me specifically asking for her to be rear facing) but am on talking terms with his mother. The brother and gf on the other hand I won’t talk too, they are ignorant and rude, they barely even say hello to me, at my partners nans funeral sat on a table they sat talking about my DD with another couple without involving me in the conversation when I was the 5th wheel sat at that table essentially, and the gf heavily judged how I was going to manage a child (cars,living arrangements etc) about 2 hours before I found out we’d lost our first baby at 16weeks pregnant which I haven’t ever forgotten from 5 years ago.
Now my partner has supposedly spoken to his brother about these issues and said I should expect a message or phone call from them (I assume to apologise?) this was about a month ago now and I’ve heard zero,zilch, nada, nothing. But hey I don’t really want to associate with those sort of people.

discussed with partner that maybe he shouldn’t go on this holiday either as I essentially feel he’s enabling their behaviour and siding with them, he doesn’t agree and thinks he should go because his mums already booked it expecting us to go even though I’d already made it clear I wasn’t going. AIBU?
just feel like he’s never on my team, I’ve been here a million times before and never feel like I can leave as I always go back. (I have a separate house, finances, child maintenance in place from all the other times we’ve broken up and got back together)

Theres probably so much more back story but I have terrible memory.

After I’d already told my partner that I wouldn’t go (I wouldn’t have minded if it was separate lodges or something but it’s a private villa all under the same roof so there’s no me space to get away from the awkwardness), his mum still went ahead and booked it and then had the audacity to send me a message saying “thinking of a holiday to France in June, and wondered if you would like to come with the girls and DP?” She’s just devious 😤

this would be the 3rd time in 2 years DP would’ve been on holiday with his family without us and I’ve had enough now.

OP posts:
BishBashBoomer · 15/02/2025 05:54

You seem to do a lot of falling out with people.

misseckleburg · 15/02/2025 05:56

Gently - what you describe sounds like pretty standard challenges of communicating with in-laws. A large minority of people don't like their in-laws, but that doesn't mean they can or should go no-contact with them. There has to be compromise, particularly when there are children involved. Of course your partner wants to spend time with his family. Your MIL doesn't sound particularly devious. Could you make a little more effort/be the bigger person?

rach7979 · 15/02/2025 06:01

What other examples can you give of her being 'devious'?

CaptainFuture · 15/02/2025 06:04

BishBashBoomer · 15/02/2025 05:54

You seem to do a lot of falling out with people.

This. they sat talking about my DD with another couple without involving me in the conversation when I was the 5th wheel sat at that table essentially, and the gf heavily judged how I was going to manage a child (cars,living arrangements etc) about 2 hours before I found out we’d lost our first baby at 16weeks pregnant which I haven’t ever forgotten from 5 years ago
So what were they saying about dd?
What do you mean they judged you? Is there a backstory where you're heavily reliant on dh?

Mopsy567 · 15/02/2025 06:11

OP, respectfully, if you have left your DP several times to the point he is paying child maintenance, the relationship sounds rocky anyway.

I can imagine why he wants to go on holiday with his mum and brother - they are probably his support network. Holidaying without you 3 times in 2 years is a lot, but he may not be as invested in the relationship anymore. Maybe you are holding on?

I'm not suggesting leaving, but I don't think his family are the major issue here (especially as you have been invited too)

Klovos · 15/02/2025 06:16

Peachy789 · 15/02/2025 05:50

Long story short his mother has booked a holiday to France in a private villa for his parents, brother family (gf+new baby) and us (me, bf and our 2DD.) Holiday was booked after I’d already said no me and the girls weren’t going. I’ve fallen out with his mother many times because she has zero respect for me (for example forward facing my 2 year old after me specifically asking for her to be rear facing) but am on talking terms with his mother. The brother and gf on the other hand I won’t talk too, they are ignorant and rude, they barely even say hello to me, at my partners nans funeral sat on a table they sat talking about my DD with another couple without involving me in the conversation when I was the 5th wheel sat at that table essentially, and the gf heavily judged how I was going to manage a child (cars,living arrangements etc) about 2 hours before I found out we’d lost our first baby at 16weeks pregnant which I haven’t ever forgotten from 5 years ago.
Now my partner has supposedly spoken to his brother about these issues and said I should expect a message or phone call from them (I assume to apologise?) this was about a month ago now and I’ve heard zero,zilch, nada, nothing. But hey I don’t really want to associate with those sort of people.

discussed with partner that maybe he shouldn’t go on this holiday either as I essentially feel he’s enabling their behaviour and siding with them, he doesn’t agree and thinks he should go because his mums already booked it expecting us to go even though I’d already made it clear I wasn’t going. AIBU?
just feel like he’s never on my team, I’ve been here a million times before and never feel like I can leave as I always go back. (I have a separate house, finances, child maintenance in place from all the other times we’ve broken up and got back together)

Theres probably so much more back story but I have terrible memory.

After I’d already told my partner that I wouldn’t go (I wouldn’t have minded if it was separate lodges or something but it’s a private villa all under the same roof so there’s no me space to get away from the awkwardness), his mum still went ahead and booked it and then had the audacity to send me a message saying “thinking of a holiday to France in June, and wondered if you would like to come with the girls and DP?” She’s just devious 😤

this would be the 3rd time in 2 years DP would’ve been on holiday with his family without us and I’ve had enough now.

It sounds like you're the one who has problems with everyone in that family, then trying to stop your H from spending quality time with his family. Common denominator et al

Rawnotblended · 15/02/2025 06:20

Crikey no one can do anything right by you. I wish someone would deviously book me a holiday.

Baconking · 15/02/2025 06:21

Could the girlfriend have just been enquiring about how you were going to manage a baby rather than judging?
I mean she also had no way of knowing you were going to lose the baby (sorry 💐) so I wouldn't hold the grudge because those 2 things coincided.

I do find many people hear things as negative when it is just conversation but obviously no idea how this particular conversation went

Blue278 · 15/02/2025 06:26

The message from your MIL could also be perceived as someone to gently start a conversation on a positive note. Not easy when there’s been a falling out.
You don’t seem to like anyone, including your partner. Maybe it’s them. Maybe it’s you.
Any chance of him going with the DC and you enjoying a break or saving some annual leave?

cunoyerjudowel · 15/02/2025 06:29

I think you have had some communication mishaps with his family which you are clinging on to- almost fuelling the fire.

I am not saying this is intentional but you have has trauma and sometimes it's easier being angry than dealing with the pain.

Family do comment on things it's normal- this is his mum, how would you feel if your dc married someone who just looked for offence in everything you did ?

PurpleFlower1983 · 15/02/2025 06:39

Kindly, it sounds like the others are trying to make an effort but you are not interested?

Are you and your partner actually together?

Frangipani2 · 15/02/2025 06:47

Be the bigger person, swallow your pride and go. I don’t particularly like my in laws but will an effort for DH because I love him and we’re a team.

SecretToryVoter · 15/02/2025 06:50

You sound very controlling. You’ve fallen out with the in-laws, not your husband. You shouldn’t try and stop him from spending time with them, even if you choose not to go yourself

Iloveburgerswaymorethanishould · 15/02/2025 06:51

Another thought, if this has happened 3 times prior… she must have known you wouldn’t be going before she booked it. It would annoy them more if you went as they wouldn’t be expecting you to!! Now, if I was petty…. (Which I’m not lol) I’d be going along this time.. might stop them booking it again!

Winterscoming77 · 15/02/2025 06:53

You’re the problem

TeaAndTattoos · 15/02/2025 07:00

What I’m getting from your post is that your the problem but for some reason want to blame everyone else. Maybe you should spend more time examining what part you play in all of these problems and spend a little less time focusing on all the things you think others have done.

Buildingthefuture · 15/02/2025 07:01

Perhaps there is a backstory because the examples you’ve given are minor and I can’t imagine falling out over them?

TheaBrandt1 · 15/02/2025 07:03

First post nailed it.

Slobberchops1 · 15/02/2025 07:11

I mean you know them and we don’t so maybe they are the worse people in the world but I don’t see the drama over these examples.

you shouldn’t be punishing your children though , so why don’t your partner and the children go and you stop at home

RhubarbThumb · 15/02/2025 07:20

You have a separate house? Child maintenance?

Why are you with him?

Sounds like you are very sensitive.

Separate properly. It must be hard for your kids, all this instability.

EmberAsh · 15/02/2025 07:20

You lack self awareness in spades. If you've fallen out with this many people, it is almost certainly you. Your partner is happy to go and take the children on holiday. Let them go.

TheyAreNotAngelsTheyDontCareAtAll · 15/02/2025 07:27

they sat talking about my DD with another couple without involving me in the conversation when I was the 5th wheel sat at that table essentially
Did you challenge them about this at the time? Nobody would get away with discussing my child in such a way.

Tiredofallthis101 · 15/02/2025 07:29

I think more examples of why you're unhappy with ILs might help people determine better whether this is a 'you' issue or a them/DH issue. Two other thoughts - how serious is your relationship with DH now, is it otherwise strong? If so I'd say it is worth the effort of working with him to try to get ILs in better place so you can go eg apologising for going ahead and booking when you said no, apologising for any negative comments pre baby loss etc. But if they don't address those issues I agree your partner should stand by you and say he can't go. I also think perhaps you need counselling to address sensitivities around the baby loss as depending on what ILs said, given they couldn't have known what would happen, you may be viewing what they said unnecessarily harshly and need tp process the trauma.

On the other hand if the relationship is shaky, which it sounds like it might be, there's no sense in preventing him going and potentially causing family problems for him. Instead I'd decide was the relationship worth it if he doesn't prioritise you and DC over his family. Controlling behaviours require clear boundaries and if he can't put those in place then you will keep encountering similar issues.

BilboBlaggin · 15/02/2025 07:30

I don't think any of us can fully understand the complexities of your relationships with his family members based on the small amount written here. Maybe it's a lot worse than you're implying, because the examples given aren't horrendous, and people are judging (perhaps incorrectly) based on the OP.

Does your bf ever go on holiday with you and the children alone? His family sound a bit enmeshed if they always go on vacation together, and having something booked for you, without your input, would be annoying. As you're already quite separate in terms of housing, finances etc, maybe it's time to call quits on this relationship and start anew?

Dogthespot · 15/02/2025 07:32

Frangipani2 · 15/02/2025 06:47

Be the bigger person, swallow your pride and go. I don’t particularly like my in laws but will an effort for DH because I love him and we’re a team.

This is never ever ever going to happy in this scenario. Guaranteed