Aibu to think OH shouldn’t go on family holiday without us?

[Peachy789]

Long story short his mother has booked a holiday to France in a private villa for his parents, brother family (gf+new baby) and us (me, bf and our 2DD.) Holiday was booked after I’d already said no me and the girls weren’t going. I’ve fallen out with his mother many times because she has zero respect for me (for example forward facing my 2 year old after me specifically asking for her to be rear facing) but am on talking terms with his mother. The brother and gf on the other hand I won’t talk too, they are ignorant and rude, they barely even say hello to me, at my partners nans funeral sat on a table they sat talking about my DD with another couple without involving me in the conversation when I was the 5th wheel sat at that table essentially, and the gf heavily judged how I was going to manage a child (cars,living arrangements etc) about 2 hours before I found out we’d lost our first baby at 16weeks pregnant which I haven’t ever forgotten from 5 years ago.
Now my partner has supposedly spoken to his brother about these issues and said I should expect a message or phone call from them (I assume to apologise?) this was about a month ago now and I’ve heard zero,zilch, nada, nothing. But hey I don’t really want to associate with those sort of people.

discussed with partner that maybe he shouldn’t go on this holiday either as I essentially feel he’s enabling their behaviour and siding with them, he doesn’t agree and thinks he should go because his mums already booked it expecting us to go even though I’d already made it clear I wasn’t going. AIBU?
just feel like he’s never on my team, I’ve been here a million times before and never feel like I can leave as I always go back. (I have a separate house, finances, child maintenance in place from all the other times we’ve broken up and got back together)

Theres probably so much more back story but I have terrible memory.

After I’d already told my partner that I wouldn’t go (I wouldn’t have minded if it was separate lodges or something but it’s a private villa all under the same roof so there’s no me space to get away from the awkwardness), his mum still went ahead and booked it and then had the audacity to send me a message saying “thinking of a holiday to France in June, and wondered if you would like to come with the girls and DP?” She’s just devious 😤

this would be the 3rd time in 2 years DP would’ve been on holiday with his family without us and I’ve had enough now.

No, most people get on with the family of the man/woman they love.

also - I’d literally be raging if my DP responded like this to a message from my mum. He would NEVER get to speak for me and decide I wasn’t going on holiday with my family. Luckily he isn’t a knob

In what way?

Can’t believe she sent you a message and invited you on holiday, what a bitch.

OP, maybe there’s a lot more you could share that would change people’s minds but going by what you posted, I get the impression that you may be a little (or massive) part of the problem. You appear to have issues with most of his family so…is it all of them, or is it you?

Either way, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with him going himself or with DD’s on holiday with his/their family. You don’t get to tell him that he can’t go just like he never gets to tell you the same.

You don’t have to go regardless.

Why are you together? Sounds like you dislike your husband too.

Why are you falling out with everyone? Your DH hasn't. ?

This is his family you are invited, you are choosing to continue this! fine if you don't want to go but of course your DH should go. He hasn't fallen out with them and they are his family

If it was a man telling a women they couldn't see their family your reaction would be very different!

Also non of the things you have mentioned are something to go on contact about. They were talking about your daughter with you there and say they didn't involve you ...they absolutely were. They were talking about your daughter so you join in the conversation ""yes she growing up so quickly" etc

You really do seem like hard work and unnecessary drama

That's enough MN for today.

Deviously booked a holiday, give me a break.

Yeah and some people are just horrible! As we can see!

Two decent options..
1/ You all go on holiday and you are polite but sometimes make sure to do things by yourselves - quality time together with your husband.
2/ You stay home. DH and the children will have a great time and you will be well rested at home and caught up with your hobbies and friends..

Your DH's family are probably fed up with the doubtless drama around the getting together, splitting up, getting together again.

He's not your OH though is he. He's an on-off boyfriend who you don't have a committed relationship with. You are quite volatile yourself and your ongoing disruptive interactions with various members of the wider family make it very difficult for any of them to build up a good relationship with you. Your boyfriend has every right to maintain good relationships with his kith and kin - it would be different if he was yoir husband and had vowed to "forsake all others and all else" in which case it would be reasonable to expect him to put you first. But he hasn't promised that and given how uncertain your relationship is, it wouldn't be appropriate for him to do so.

You seem unreasonable much of the time with a lot of extended family.

Bow out, get your own place ready for you to move in.

You are being very controlling with expecting your husband to not go on a vacation. The only thing I see where an in law has overstepped was front facing instead of of rear like you asked. The rest, meh. I think you've projected a lot of negative feelings on your sil because you associate her talking about how you guys were going to manage things with kids with a loss you didn't even know had happened then. There's a lot of petty stuff here. Certainly not enough for you to demand your husband not holiday with his extended family.

Why not put your grievances aside and try for a fresh start? Watch your kids enjoy themselves and let things go.

Wait, you aren't married? Then you're way, way out of your lane making demands like he not go with his family on vacation.

I wouldn’t distance myself from my family for an on/off girlfriend, children or not.

You don't have to go but you can't and shouldn't stop him going. You might not like them but they are his family

THIS
You sound difficult and unreasonable OP. Your MIL disrespecting you due to child face to face and not rear facing ???????????????
Living separately ????
I'm not being unkind when I suggest you may benefit from some therapy.
Please consider.
YABU +++++++++

How delightful you are!

FYI, the girls can be taken by their father on holiday.

Obstructive and obnoxious mothers can be totally ignored!

I’m sorry that you lost your baby, but like you at the time, SIL also had absolutely no idea. I think it’s really unfair that this is something you’re clinging onto as a reason to not like her and still giving her a hard time over five years later.

It wasn’t like she was gossiping behind your back, you were sitting at the table with her during the conversation. You literally could have joined in at any moment, not doing so isn’t her fault.

I must admit, I also dont see why OP couldnt have just joined in the conversation if sitting at the same table.

You haven't read many threads where the MIL mistreats the DIL and the husband is too weak to have her back, have you, @Maddy70 ? If you had, you wouldn't be victim-blaming the OP.

Yeah, lets ignore the reasonable mothers and victim-blame and gaslight them to defend the abusive inlaws and gutless husband who won't defend his wife. Your misogyny is breathtaking.

Abusive in laws you say?

OP can’t even remember the back stories, i mean that’s just 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣!

But of course it’s the in laws that are abusive!

YABVU

You can't dictate that DP doesn't go on a holiday with his family. Just because you're not going.

As others have stated, a lot of the issues sound like a YOU problem.

I see no evidence of any mistreating. I see the opposite. She is paying for her to go on holday op is a drama queen not a victim

Sorry I’ve missed out so many things, the rest of partners wider family have also fallen out with his mother and brother etc so I’m fairly certain it’s not totally me that’s the issue. His mum just has very few boundaries and partner won’t ever tell her no or side with me because he doesn’t want to ever upset her which is fine but there does need to be some boundaries.
Just to name a few more things:
she’s gone through mine and my dds medical records on her work computer without permission,
when me and partner fell out when my youngest was 2 weeks old she insinuated I had postnatal depression which I didn’t, I just needed support from my partner but he just wasn’t giving me what I needed at the time.
she tries blaming his actions on the fact that men mature slower than women etc etc which is just frustrating because at some point he has to grow up.
When I moved out of our house, I’d arranged with partner to grab a few of my things while he was at work and she turned up thinking she could help which is just the last thing I would want when all I wanted to do was quietly get a few things. I have a very supportive family who are always willing to help me.

I am not blaming the sil for the whole baby conversation at all but it’s a core memory that I struggle to deal with because I was completely and utterly traumatised at the loss of our baby. I also do not have an issue with going on holiday with mil, I can cope woth her for a week but I don’t want to go with brother and gf because I don’t want to be plain ignored all week or feel awkward. I am not the bravest of people and really don’t like confrontation.

quite frankly I wouldn’t trust my partner with my 2 girls (nearly 3 and just turned 1) because he literally can’t even deal with them for a whole day on his own. He has them every other Sunday while I work, the last time he had them I got a phone call from him in the back of a police car because his car wasn’t insured on the right number plate and turned out he’d left the girls with his dad to go and clean his car?! I’m thankful the girls weren’t with him but like seriously why did he need to wash his car on the one day out of 14 that he has the girls 😂

we are both 25 this year, got together just before Covid hit and he moved into my parents at the time so we’ve had a rollercoaster of a start to the relationship which is why I think it’s gone quite so wrong now, from completely being in each others pockets even though we both managed to keep working during Covid because of the jobs we had to then trying to adapt to normal life after losing the first baby and then ending up with 2 more kiddies (our youngest was a massive accident as I had a coil in so I did try to prevent it but I then couldn’t bring myself to get rid of a pregnancy especially with what I’d done through previously)
I can get on quite well with his mother but I don’t agree with a lot of her questionable opinions sometimes and I don’t think she likes that she can’t control me. She was adopted which I think may be why she is so controlling and can’t ever seem to let her boys love their lives, she was still going in and cleaning and doing my partners washing till about 6 months ago, I put my foot down when she started trying to do it while I was living there and she went in our bedroom and started touching personal things.

I am very very anal about my car seats and my girls safety, so that was a large problem for me and my partner didn’t really support me in that. Which really hurts when all I do is try and put my girls first at all costs.

I guess I don’t expect him not to go on this holiday especially seen as he’s been on 2 others before but it would just be nice for him to understand my feelings.

Hope I’ve filled in a few gaps.

I still think you have a lot of growing up to do OP, you can’t go through life constantly taking offence. You state that you have a very supportive family always willing to help, yet you appear to resent your mother in law when she does the same thing for your OH and even you at times.
Have you ever stopped to think that maybe it’s you that’s in the wrong.
Also it’s ridiculous to be falling and out of friends with your OH, you’re not eight years old, you should be behaving like responsible parents to your children.

Thanks for updating …that’s very brave.

I think it’s true what your MIL says about (some) young men maturing slowly. She isn’t exactly helping is she and it must be very frustrating for you.
He’s probably an unprepared-for-children, 24 year old boy, whereas as a new mum with two little ones already, you have had no choice but to shape up to motherhood pretty fast. As you say, it all happened so quickly and maybe you didn’t realise just how immature he really was. But now you do know.

The thing is OP, -you are blindly expecting things to change instead of telling yourself ‘this isn’t the way I want to live my life, -he isn’t giving me what I need in this relationship’ and then doing something about it. If you aren’t prepared to make the changes yourself then you have to adapt and adjust to the way things are. His mum is always going to be on his team and want to protect him. So every time you walk out on him, his mum jumps to attention still, softens the blow and gives him the comfy life he’s always had at home growing up. Things just aren’t going to change for now.

You have the means to leave him. You have a supportive family. Your have your job. And your own home waiting for you. You have your finances sorted already. You have a MIL who loves your two children.
Practically, it’s easy to leave but you always go back to him, when you already know exactly what you don’t like about the relationship. Maybe you don’t like to admit that you both made a mistake …. I understand how difficult that realisation is to come to. Young love isn’t always enough especially for an immature 24 year old man. (boy more like)

Would it be better to put an end to all your stress and misery with his immaturity and with his family dynamics by moving out amicably and doing your own thing? Only you can decide. There is so much that you don’t enjoy about the situation you are in but you could make positive changes. Decide how much you can happily put up with and whether you are in or out for now, then commit to your decision.

Does your MIL realise that it’s a very serious sackable offence to look at details on patients’ records for her own purposes? I certainly wouldn’t be prepared to put up with that. Have you told anybody about this IRL and do you have evidence she has done this?

Your update changes nothing. You need to grow up, fast, and stop exposing your daughters to this shitshow.

quite frankly I wouldn’t trust my partner with my 2 girls

Ffs. Kick him out for good and don't get into another relationship.