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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to think OH shouldn’t go on family holiday without us?

163 replies

Peachy789 · 15/02/2025 05:50

Long story short his mother has booked a holiday to France in a private villa for his parents, brother family (gf+new baby) and us (me, bf and our 2DD.) Holiday was booked after I’d already said no me and the girls weren’t going. I’ve fallen out with his mother many times because she has zero respect for me (for example forward facing my 2 year old after me specifically asking for her to be rear facing) but am on talking terms with his mother. The brother and gf on the other hand I won’t talk too, they are ignorant and rude, they barely even say hello to me, at my partners nans funeral sat on a table they sat talking about my DD with another couple without involving me in the conversation when I was the 5th wheel sat at that table essentially, and the gf heavily judged how I was going to manage a child (cars,living arrangements etc) about 2 hours before I found out we’d lost our first baby at 16weeks pregnant which I haven’t ever forgotten from 5 years ago.
Now my partner has supposedly spoken to his brother about these issues and said I should expect a message or phone call from them (I assume to apologise?) this was about a month ago now and I’ve heard zero,zilch, nada, nothing. But hey I don’t really want to associate with those sort of people.

discussed with partner that maybe he shouldn’t go on this holiday either as I essentially feel he’s enabling their behaviour and siding with them, he doesn’t agree and thinks he should go because his mums already booked it expecting us to go even though I’d already made it clear I wasn’t going. AIBU?
just feel like he’s never on my team, I’ve been here a million times before and never feel like I can leave as I always go back. (I have a separate house, finances, child maintenance in place from all the other times we’ve broken up and got back together)

Theres probably so much more back story but I have terrible memory.

After I’d already told my partner that I wouldn’t go (I wouldn’t have minded if it was separate lodges or something but it’s a private villa all under the same roof so there’s no me space to get away from the awkwardness), his mum still went ahead and booked it and then had the audacity to send me a message saying “thinking of a holiday to France in June, and wondered if you would like to come with the girls and DP?” She’s just devious 😤

this would be the 3rd time in 2 years DP would’ve been on holiday with his family without us and I’ve had enough now.

OP posts:
Fraaances · 15/02/2025 10:06

Write back to MIL… “I’ve heard who’s coming. Thanks anyway, but I’d rather eat shit than subject myself or my girls to that.”

diddl · 15/02/2025 10:08

Can he take the girls without you?

Sounds as if you might as well split properly.

NewHeaven · 15/02/2025 10:11

You all sound like the cast from Benidorm and Shameless. Classy, not.

Cornflakes123 · 15/02/2025 10:12

Was the mother not going to book the villa if you weren’t going ? I don’t understand what is devious about her booking a villa and then asking you to go. It sounds like you think everyone is out to get you.

Cornflakes123 · 15/02/2025 10:13

Fraaances · 15/02/2025 10:06

Write back to MIL… “I’ve heard who’s coming. Thanks anyway, but I’d rather eat shit than subject myself or my girls to that.”

Are you for real ?😧

AnxiouslyAwaitingSpring · 15/02/2025 10:16

You seem angry with everyone

RitaFromTheRanch · 15/02/2025 10:17

Fraaances · 15/02/2025 10:06

Write back to MIL… “I’ve heard who’s coming. Thanks anyway, but I’d rather eat shit than subject myself or my girls to that.”

Thats it, make yourself look very grown up and mature Confused

Branleuse · 15/02/2025 10:18

One of my favourite quotes:

If you run into an asshole in the morning, you ran into an asshole.
If you run into assholes all day, You're the asshole .

Branleuse · 15/02/2025 10:24

I think its fine to not want to go, but I dont know why youre trying to stop your partner taking the kids?
I don't think that any of your examples are anything more than misunderstanding or miscommunication.

Do you get on with your own family ok. What about work life and friendships? Do you usually rub along with people ok?

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 15/02/2025 10:27

Fraaances · 15/02/2025 10:06

Write back to MIL… “I’ve heard who’s coming. Thanks anyway, but I’d rather eat shit than subject myself or my girls to that.”

Hope this is a joke. Just why? That is a horrible way to talk to anymore and completely uncalled for.

Oioisavaloy27 · 15/02/2025 10:31

There seems to be so much victim mentality around these days it's no wonder there's so many problems in the world.

rainbowstardrops · 15/02/2025 10:34

I agree with previous posters that you seem to be falling out with everyone!
I would 'allow' my partner to go on holiday with his family. You've been invited and you've chosen not to go. That's up to you but you can't then dictate to your partner what he chooses to do.

krustykittens · 15/02/2025 10:36

So you have left your partner so often and for so long, he is paying child maintenance.

There is probably loads of back story as to why you hate these people but your memory is bad so you can't remember it.

Your MIL is devious to book a family holiday and include you.

It sounds like they are trying to make it work and you want nothing to do with them. Fair enough, no one can make you spend time with people you don't like, but it sounds like they are consistent in your partner's life and you are not, so you can't blame him for not choosing them over you and wanting to go on this holiday.

If you want to make your relationship work, I would sit out the holiday (too much pressure to get along) but send your partner and kids, while taking some time out for yourself. Then have some relationship counselling when he comes back. It sounds like there is an awful lot going on here and you are responsible for some of it.

Klovos · 15/02/2025 10:40

SnoopysHoose · 15/02/2025 08:54

@Klovos
There is no need to quote the entire lengthy OP, just @Peachy789 is enough.

Thanks for letting me know @Peachy789
@Peachy789

WillIEverBeOk · 15/02/2025 10:45

rainbowstardrops · 15/02/2025 10:34

I agree with previous posters that you seem to be falling out with everyone!
I would 'allow' my partner to go on holiday with his family. You've been invited and you've chosen not to go. That's up to you but you can't then dictate to your partner what he chooses to do.

2 set of people. MIL and BIL, hardly 'everyone'. I guess you haven't read a lot of threads where people are NC with entire families. I suppose you would victim-blame there too and say its them that are the problem.

Family dynamics are tricky. You're victim-blaming. Two people isn't 'everybody'.

whatawonderfultime · 15/02/2025 10:49

A lot of doormats and pushovers commenting on this thread.

Apparently they don't see child safety as a big deal.

And the people who love their in-laws family are an exception not the rule. And of those who do get on well, even fewer would like the thought of holidaying in a private villa.

I'd just reply back with something neutral saying "Thank you for the kind offer but we're planning to do something else, I hope you have a great time."

And immediately book play dates and tickets and days out (staggered) so there will always be something in the way of you going.

StScholastica · 15/02/2025 11:06

Sorry OP but you are a parent and you have to think of what's best for your DC in this situation as well.
Why would you deny them a lovely holiday with their father and grandparents?
I absolutely couldn't abide my MIL but I did everything I could to stay polite and I made sure that she had a relationship with her grandchildren.
I often book large holiday cottages and invite my grown up DC and their partners along. It's not controlling, there is no expectation for them to come. It's just an invite "we'll be here on this date if anyone feels like a free break". Sometimes they join us and sometimes they don't. It's fine either way.
To tell your partner that he can't go is very controlling.

Zone2NorthLondon · 15/02/2025 11:11

You don’t go then. Stop dictating whether or not he go though.
Your relationship with him sounds shaky, so work on that both set realistic expectations
Clearly there is a mutual dislike on both sides, his family don’t like you,you don’t like his family. So, remove yourself from a holiday were it’ll inevitably be terse

Zone2NorthLondon · 15/02/2025 11:13

Fraaances · 15/02/2025 10:06

Write back to MIL… “I’ve heard who’s coming. Thanks anyway, but I’d rather eat shit than subject myself or my girls to that.”

Yes. A thoughtful diplomatic response,that will nail it. I commend your skilled linguistics

Livelovebehappy · 15/02/2025 11:15

Tbh, you’ve broken up a few times, and your dh obviously wants to keep his family close, because he may need them with your relationship being so fragile. And I can’t see that because your mil messages to check about booking a holiday for you all is ‘devious’. Sorry to say the problem is probably you as you’re the common denominator for all the fallouts it seems. It can’t be a coincidence….

Livelovebehappy · 15/02/2025 11:17

whatawonderfultime · 15/02/2025 10:49

A lot of doormats and pushovers commenting on this thread.

Apparently they don't see child safety as a big deal.

And the people who love their in-laws family are an exception not the rule. And of those who do get on well, even fewer would like the thought of holidaying in a private villa.

I'd just reply back with something neutral saying "Thank you for the kind offer but we're planning to do something else, I hope you have a great time."

And immediately book play dates and tickets and days out (staggered) so there will always be something in the way of you going.

Edited

In my experience getting on well with your in-laws is the norm. You might be forming your opinion by basing it on mumsnet posters, who don’t seem to like their in-laws. IRL, I don’t know of any that don’t get on.

Dogthespot · 15/02/2025 15:06

Livelovebehappy · 15/02/2025 11:17

In my experience getting on well with your in-laws is the norm. You might be forming your opinion by basing it on mumsnet posters, who don’t seem to like their in-laws. IRL, I don’t know of any that don’t get on.

Show quote history

Ditto
my mil is now my ex mil but we still message almost daily
and none of my close friends have poor relationships with their in laws. Quite the opposite in fact

Autumn38 · 15/02/2025 15:14

So you are invited every time (and his mum makes the effort to message you directly to let you know you are definitely wanted along) but you always say no (and presumably prevent your children from going too).

What do you want him to do? Surely you aren’t trying to prevent him going too? Because that would be really controlling ….

Dogthespot · 15/02/2025 15:15

This is a very angry Op, very unhappy and ANGRY. The type to stew and fester over perceived injustices. Prone to drama and theatrics. Must make life very very hard for those around her

SallyWD · 15/02/2025 15:16

Autumn38 · 15/02/2025 15:14

So you are invited every time (and his mum makes the effort to message you directly to let you know you are definitely wanted along) but you always say no (and presumably prevent your children from going too).

What do you want him to do? Surely you aren’t trying to prevent him going too? Because that would be really controlling ….

Exactly, you're denying your children some lovely holidays. Why not them all go and you have some time to yourself?