Aibu to think OH shouldn’t go on family holiday without us?

[Peachy789]

Long story short his mother has booked a holiday to France in a private villa for his parents, brother family (gf+new baby) and us (me, bf and our 2DD.) Holiday was booked after I’d already said no me and the girls weren’t going. I’ve fallen out with his mother many times because she has zero respect for me (for example forward facing my 2 year old after me specifically asking for her to be rear facing) but am on talking terms with his mother. The brother and gf on the other hand I won’t talk too, they are ignorant and rude, they barely even say hello to me, at my partners nans funeral sat on a table they sat talking about my DD with another couple without involving me in the conversation when I was the 5th wheel sat at that table essentially, and the gf heavily judged how I was going to manage a child (cars,living arrangements etc) about 2 hours before I found out we’d lost our first baby at 16weeks pregnant which I haven’t ever forgotten from 5 years ago.
Now my partner has supposedly spoken to his brother about these issues and said I should expect a message or phone call from them (I assume to apologise?) this was about a month ago now and I’ve heard zero,zilch, nada, nothing. But hey I don’t really want to associate with those sort of people.

discussed with partner that maybe he shouldn’t go on this holiday either as I essentially feel he’s enabling their behaviour and siding with them, he doesn’t agree and thinks he should go because his mums already booked it expecting us to go even though I’d already made it clear I wasn’t going. AIBU?
just feel like he’s never on my team, I’ve been here a million times before and never feel like I can leave as I always go back. (I have a separate house, finances, child maintenance in place from all the other times we’ve broken up and got back together)

Theres probably so much more back story but I have terrible memory.

After I’d already told my partner that I wouldn’t go (I wouldn’t have minded if it was separate lodges or something but it’s a private villa all under the same roof so there’s no me space to get away from the awkwardness), his mum still went ahead and booked it and then had the audacity to send me a message saying “thinking of a holiday to France in June, and wondered if you would like to come with the girls and DP?” She’s just devious 😤

this would be the 3rd time in 2 years DP would’ve been on holiday with his family without us and I’ve had enough now.

But we don't know in what way they were discussing her. There's a difference between saying their niece is really good as swimming and wins medals to someone wondering about swimming lessons for their child, and calling their niece a brat.

This all seems very dramatic and frankly not the sort of relationship that’s ever going to meet your needs.

You come across bitter and resentful, perhaps it’s time to actually move on, instead of living in a state of perpetual half-leaving limbo.

No, we don't, I assumed; but the tone of the OP suggests it wasn't good!

This. But in addition, your relationship is clearly not happy (lots of break ups, planning for another break up). He’s their son/brother so probably they ultimately think you’re better separate and having a chance to both find happy relationships, and making it clear their loyalties lie with him.

No one knows what they were saying

the Op was no doubt sitting there with a face like a smacked arse feeling left out. Not pissed off with what they were saying but pissed off she wasn’t involved in the conversation

I can't see what MIL has done wrong. It’s important for children to have a relationship with grandparents independently of the parents.

My MIL tried to use a child car seat with a broken clasp but I didn't fall out with her - we just got hold of another one from a friend & asked them to use that one.

You need to stop taking offence at every slight thing they do & try to make sure the children have a relationship with DH & his family. Could he take them on his own?

Well tbh, it just sounds like you don’t get on with your in laws- everybody clashes, fair enough. Not everybody gets on.

I do understand that it feels your DH doesn’t have your back about the issues, sounds like you feel he’s minimising your feelings to what has happened in the past.

But your marriage sounds far from stable, he’s likely reluctant to step away from his family when you have split up in the past, to the point you have immediate access to a new life without him. I think if a woman was writing that on mumsnet about her husband, the replies would be saying don’t cut off your family!!!

In this instance, I’d give my DH your blessing (not that he should need it?) to go on holiday with your in laws and go no contact with them all. In the future, leave your husband to do as he pleases with his family.

Maybr it will improve your marriage?

I would go on the holiday.....if the relationship between you and the rest of the family is as you say then your presence will surely piss them off. On the other hand, you being there and starting to behave like an adult might might just build some bridges.

and then had the audacity to send me a message saying “thinking of a holiday to France in June, and wondered if you would like to come with the girls and DP?” She’s just devious 😤

What is devious about asking you directly if you want to go?

They should just leave you at home and they can have a lovely time.

Op, I know first hand how hard family relationships can be. But kindly, I think you are overthinking. By all means choose not to go, but let your husband take your children. It’s his family and you should not make him choose.

your approach sounds a bit immature. In laws can be hard work but how you react makes a huge difference to your own happiness and that of your children.

Sounds like MIL is reaching out to include you. If this was my son, I would be there to support him 100% but I would still be trying to support you all. Your marriage sounds awful. Perhaps his family see it too but are making a huge effort to include you and grandchildren. I think the issues are yours. Do you have family and friends?

I agree! Sounds like OH is the first issue.

Without knowing the other sides story, I’ts hard to tell if it’s you or them, OP
I don’t get along with my SIL either and I’ve agreed with my dh that meals together like Xmas or Easter or things like that are fine, but no way would he expect me to spend a week on holiday in the same house as that woman.
I wouldn’t stop him from going on a family holiday with her and their parents if he wants, but myself and our child won’t be there , his choice

This sounds more like a you problem than an inlaws problem.

Let your DH take the kids if you don't want to go.

Theres probably so much more back story but I have terrible memory.

The back story can’t be that bad if you don’t remember it.

You seem determined to cause issues on the holiday, your relationship is very rocky. Don’t go, but you can’t say “me and the girls aren’t going”, you don’t own them and if their DF wants to take them on a family holiday he can.

Haven’t read the whole thread so apologies if I’m repeating but could it be an olive branch from mother in law?? Imagine if she’d booked the holiday excluding you and you’d had to post ‘don’t get on with mother in law or brother in law but am I being unreasonable for not wanting husband and kids to go on a hol I said I wouldn’t go on’, you’d be upset at the lack of invite. So actually I think it’s a good sign that she’s ignored your request and invited you anyway. Your husband wants a relationship with his family and as you get older, the opportunities to spend time with them gets less and less. Be careful that the grandkids don’t miss out on a hol and time with their grandma and family because of your own feelings about them.

If everyone else is the problem, then you are the problem.

How old are your DC znd how many? From a purely practical point of view, if you have lots of littlies, it's a bit unfair of him to leave you with them a lot. If their older, not so much.

Either way, send the children with your DP. There'll be more people about with him, to care for them and you can have a break, as someone up-post said. However much you don't get on with your in-laws, unless they're abusive, your DC deserve a relationship with them, so it's win-win.

The thing about the phone apology from the brother - sounds like your DP and his brother decided. The SIL may well have said "I'm not apologising over something from 5 years ago, that wasn't even a big deal" or similar.

You seem to be the common denominator here
I would read MiL's message as an invitation, not a devious act.
Considering you have a separate home and have split several times, it appears you don't get on with anyone including your " partner"
I don't think continuing a relationship with anyone is a good idea.
You hardly mention your DDs yet they are the priority

Yabu.

Fine if you want to sulk and not go on the holiday,but no way should you be deciding the children also can't go...dad gets a say in that and if he wants to take them then you should not automatically get to veto that without discussion. The girls could go and have a lovely time with their dad and wider family.

I read through your post twice and still don't understand why you've fallen out with everyone. The in laws, his brother, his girlfriend and even your partner to the extent you have a separate house!

I don't see how they are the problem here unless there is a whopping great drip feed and to be honest if I were your partner I'd be taking the kids with me on the holiday. Why should everyone else miss out on spending time together because you're constantly falling out with people?

This, and it's the dc I feel for in this mess, on/off parents. Living with dad/not living with dad...
Op do you manage to hide your hatred of their dad and his family from them?

just feel like he’s never on my team

This is the biggest issue. Forget the holiday. You are focusing on the wrong thing.

never feel like I can leave

This is what you need to work out. Why keep going back to someone who is treating you badly? Where is your self esteem? Why do you have no agency? You already have a separate house. Most of the work is done.

Why do you feel you can’t leave him OP, when you have everything you need in place including the finances to do so?
It’s not clear what your actual status with your OH is. Do you live with him full time? If so, why do you need to maintain your own place ?

It sounds as if you are half in, half out of the relationship.
That must be confusing for your OH (as well as your two DD’s.) No wonder then, that he agrees to go on holiday with his family if there is no stability in the relationship and you keep leaving him, rightly or wrongly. And no wonder his mum books the holiday for her family to include you because she also never knows if you will happen to be or out of the relationship at any time in the future.

Given the facts as you tell then here, it is possible that you have a problematic communication style and take offence easily. For example you are adamant that you won’t speak to his brother and gf but take offence that they only say hello to you occasionally. I’m sorry you lost your pregnancy but it’s unreasonable to take offence at them for that, as if they should have known this fact in advance of your sad loss.

Could you try to look upon OH’s mum and brother in a more kindly way. In spite of your constant leaving and then going back again, his mum still wants to include you in the holiday. And similarly his brother and gf still care enough to be worried how you will cope with the practicalities of another baby. If you were at the table with them they were probably trying to discuss this with you. Why didn’t you either quietly and genuinely reassure them that everything was in hand and well planned for, or politely shut the conversation down.

I would also be very worried about you OP. Why on earth would you be wanting another baby with this man when you are always leaving him, only to go back, -and even you don’t know why you keep on with this self destructive, toxic cycle.
Another baby won’t miraculously make things better for you. Please, please make sure you guard against another pregnancy until you feel much more settled, stable and completely happy that the baby will have two loving parents in the same home.

OP, this is the third time ypu have been in this position. His family is his support system. Nothing will change for you, unless you make the change happen for yourself.
If you can’t face the holiday, let your OH take his DDs and use the time on your own to reflect about what you really want for your future …..and to then make a proper resolution to commit fully and wholeheartedly, one way or another.
This current constant turmoil must be so stressful for you and your children.
Hoping you can help yourself a little bit, to get into a more stable home life, free from unnecessary stress. Good luck.