AIBU for Not going to a wedding I rsvped yes too.

[Noweddingformeow]

Another wedding one.
I was part of a close friendship group of four women, each a pair of best friends that spent a lot of time all together.

One friend got engaged and is only having the other three as bridesmaids, my best friend is dating the grooms best friend so this makes sense.
I was disappointed but just had to get on with it, I offered to help with the planning etc. It’s been 8 months since the engagement and I have only seen the other three four times and the last they just talked about the wedding and experiences they had with out me so I wasn’t part of the conversation. I gave up asking to catch up with them a while ago because they were always doing wedding stuff and I was told no. I have spent time with another friend who is going travelling, the person she was going with can’t go now and I have been asked to go instead. But I would have to miss the wedding to go ( dates can’t be changed).

I sent a text letting the bride know I am no longer able to attend the wedding and I got back pages and pages on text saying disappointed she is as we are such close friends, and that I can just miss her wedding and she booked her hens weekend assuming I would be there.

I just want to scream. The cost of the hens weekend and cost for going to the wedding will nearly be as much as half of the holiday.

I want to write back, we aren’t really friends anymore. I felt like I was pushed out the group a while ago, so I moved on.
I wish you all the best in your celebrations, but I won’t be attending.

Do you care? Will this make you sad or can you feel a sense of liberation coming...?

I'd go to Thailand and not give it a seconds thought. This friendship is clearly dead and they only have themselves to blame.

After reading through all this, I'm starting to think that if I were the groom to be, I'd be going to Thailand too instead of my own wedding...

I am so sorry that "friend" was so very thoughtless towards you. No wonder you were hurt. Most anyone would have been. Mumsnet {{HUGS}} to you.

She’s clarified it, click see all. It was a mistake in the OP.

It seems that the reason given was that the groom was going to have two “groomsmen” (not a fan of that expression) and so they wanted there to be the same number of bridesmaids.

The bride’s best friend got slot 1 and OP’s best friend got slot 2 because she was dating one of the “groomsmen”.

I don’t think OP is all that fussed about being left out of the official roles at the wedding. What has upset her is that her three friends now talk about nothing but wedding logistics and that excludes her from most of their conversations/meetups.

I don't think the Thailand friend should come under suspicion here. What's wrong with inviting another on a trip if the original co-traveller drops out? And it's entirely up to OP if she wants to get upset about that or just go on the trip.

Go on your trip and move forward, not all friends are forever and if nobody has shown any regard for you then sod them. I’m particularly disappointed that your best friend seemingly hasn’t stepped in. I hope you have an amazing adventure!

I'm so glad you're going travelling instead. Bride is giving me bridezilla vibes tbh.

You don't know me or the OP either, so stop being ridiculous yourself. You're being hypocritical. Advocating for the status quo of a woman being a simpering handmaiden is NOT 'devils advocate', lol.

🤣 I thought similar

She is definitely not coming under suspicion. It’s not what I have said. If I were OP I would also go on the trip. My point was different.

Sounds like you’ll have happy memories of the holiday to look back on and not many happy memories of the wedding so go for the holiday. You’ve given plenty of notice and your friends haven’t treated you well. Their loss.

When I got married 30+ years ago the numbers were finalised 72 hours before the day.

The only thing pre purchased by me was champagne and wine, so no wastage as it was well cleared!

No favours, no nothing. Free bar though.

I wouldn't have blinked an eye if I got a sorry cannot make it before then, and didn't.

We had a few drinks as a "hen night" as we had zero interest in such things.

Absolutely no way would I be interested and prepared to give up so much time, money, effort for general friends.

I can well understand my niece with a large circle of friends being positively allergic after a few years or this merry-go-round.

I hear there is a bit of push back in my friends daughters circle, since covid.
They simply are not interested in the huge spend when buying and furnishing a home is their real priority.

Go to Thailand and have a fabulous time. If they were your friends you’d have been included in the last 8 months.

I’m not sure really, the bride hasn’t done anything wrong in not choosing you as a bridesmaid and I’m a great believer in sticking with the first invite you’ve accepted.

It's more that since the bridesmaids are chosen, OP has been sidelined by all of them, including her own supposed best friend.

On the point of sticking with the first invitation you've accepted. In general, I'd agree.

But there are two disclaimers here. Not choosing OP as a bridesmaid is neither here nor there: the bride can do as she likes in this respect (and who wants the hassle in any case) but the group's increasing drawing together whilst leaving her out in the cold is not the behaviour of supposed friends. That's without the burden of expectation placed on the hen event, which they apparently forgot to communicate to her.

The second point is that this isn't merely a competing wedding invitation that the OP is now revoking because she's seen the chance of a better party. Nor has she flaked out at the last minute; she's given plenty of notice. It's a rare travel opportunity that typically doesn't come up on any kind of regular basis. And it really doesn't matter that OP was chosen as a 'back up' option. Friendship dynamics have shifted since plans for both the wedding/hen and holiday were originally formed.

The bride has made her own decisions, and seemingly these didn't leave much room for including the OP. Now OP has made hers. You reap what you sow.

My original post was very jumbled sorry.
There is 1 bride
her best friend as maid of honour
my best who is dating the grooms friend as a bridesmaid.

We were all close and saw each other at least once a fortnight before the engagement. I was upset at not being included, but still really wanted to be part of the planning. But even if the bride just wanted the three of them to go dress shopping and looking at venues that wouldn’t have taken every weekend in the past 8 months.

They were just spending time together without me.

The last time we all caught up I was told it was dinner and drinks and there would be 6 of us going to the hens night. At some point a few months ago they changed the plans to the spa. They did send an email which I missed and didn’t realise the plans had changed until after I said I wasn’t going to the wedding, I then said I wouldn’t be going to the hens due to the cost. But I didn’t agree to the spa before they booked it.

My best friend has been in touch and it has been nice. She explained that it wasn’t that they didn’t want to spend time with me, but that as I am single they are all doing couple group outings. I said look at our text history and could how many times I reached out and was told they were doing wedding stuff that didn’t include me.

I told her when I will be back from travelling and she can get in touch then if she likes (I wont hold my breath) but I won’t be going to the hens or wedding.

I am aware that I was just a last minute invite to travel with, but I want to move on with my life.

I appreciate all the replies, I don’t feel so humiliated now. Xx

Oh and the think my best friend had a word with the bride as I haven’t had any more horrible text messages from her.

Looks like you're dodging a bullet by skipping the wedding. You would have been left on your own since the bridal party would be busy doing their roles.

Them doing couple things and leaving you out is awful.

Only doing couple meet-ups - I don't get the need for that. I meet up regularly with a group of friends some bring husbands/partners. Not always the same people bringing partners. Someone relationship status just isn't a factor in deciding who comes along.

What a bunch of smug couples (I say that as a long-timed married).

"She explained that it wasn’t that they didn’t want to spend time with me, but that as I am single they are all doing couple group outings"

Wtf? This doesn't make any sense, and it makes it worse to be honest. You dodged a bullet there OP. They're not very nice, in fact I'd say they're pretty horrible. Move on, onwards and upwards 💙

I think you have made a good decision.

Also, one of my pet peeves is weddings where the number of groomsmen and bridesmaids have to match! It's obvious that some people have been randomly added or cut just to get this one picture looking 'balanced'. Pick your closest family or friends as attendants because you love them/they love you and want them beside you on your wedding day.

"She explained that it wasn’t that they didn’t want to spend time with me, but that as I am single they are all doing couple group outings"
Couples don't always last forever and these ladies have dumped a friend for being single, what happens if their relationship breaks down.
Give them all a wide space, and see if they want to meet up after your travels

You don’t seem remotely close to this best friend of yours Op. Until yesterday you don’t seem to have ever spoken to her aside from during the 3x you’ve seen each other in 8 months