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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was DS, 15, disclosing?

169 replies

Loglivelove · 14/02/2025 22:07

(Nc for this - msg mn to check out if suspicious)

Ds is 15 and can sometimes be a bit in your face - he plays rugby and he's quite physical, always has been.

He was messing about in kitchen and I said - stop molesting me, just in a joking way.

I work in law and we use non-molestion orders. So i used the word in it's old sense - ie pester or harass. Cue a discussion about the etymology of the word, I'm a bit geeky like that.

Then ds said - I might have been molested when I was young. I was taken aback, and said - were you?

Dh was chopping veg and butted in - don't joke with mummy about things like that. That was annoying and I tried to say to ds - if you were, you must tell someone because its very wrong.

Ds said - I don't know them any more.

I said - doesn't matter because you can stop them doing it to someone else as well as being punished.

But by then he kind of backtracked and dh still trying to minimise.

So I left it that he must tell.someone if it's true and it doesn't matter who he tell, us or a teacher or the police.

Since then I've been so worried, and tried to bring it up again. But he plays along for a minute and then says he was joking.

What tf do I do now? I cant make him tell someone. He generally gets a lot of love and attention, happy in school and a great lad, I just dk what's going on.

OP posts:
Nursingadvice · 14/02/2025 22:11

This seems like a really strange interaction and reaction from you tbh.

Laiste · 14/02/2025 22:12

All you can do is either wait to see if he brings it up again, or walk to him about it.

When was the last time you tried to bring it up?

I think i'd find a quiet moment when there's time to talk, and sit down with him and show him you're worried and say you're not pushing for him to report it or anything, but can he tell you who it was and what happened.

Flowers
ChangingHistory · 14/02/2025 22:16

I think you did the right thing and wish dh hadn't butted in. Leave it for a bit he's probably mulling it over, make sure there are plenty of non pressure opportunities for him to tell you.

If he hasn't says anything bring it up again in a month or so. Be prepared to take no for an answer. You're right that he could stop it happening to someone else but if he feels revisiting it would damage his mh it would be wrong to ask him to put mythical next victim above his own mental safety.

SheRaaPrincessOfPower · 14/02/2025 22:17

I also think you said the right n things at the time and like a PP has said, I would find a quiet time to talk with him.

loropianalover · 14/02/2025 22:18

Strange comment for you to make and strange reaction for your DH to have. What a mess.

Is there someone you can speak to in confidence at the school? You don’t have to share exactly what he said, but that you’re worried he’s got something on his chest. You could also ask your GP for any resources.

I would not be able to let this go to be honest. I would definitely try speaking to him again.

meganorks · 14/02/2025 22:19

It does sound like he might have been. No one can really know for sure. Your DH really shouldn't have butted in like that! I would maybe try and speak to him in a quiet moment and reiterate what you said. But maybe also remind him about Childline that he can call or message online to talk things through if he needs to. I wouldn't put the pressure on him about reporting it or helping others. It should just be about him and what he needs.

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 14/02/2025 22:19

I'd be worried too, and furious with DH.

Only thing I can suggest is that when I was a teen and DM was worried about me seeming 'off' she'd sometimes sit in my bedroom with me in the dark after I'd gone to bed, so I couldn't see her. It was definitely easier to talk about something difficult that way. Might be worth a try?

CrowsInMyGarden · 14/02/2025 22:22

I used to take my troubled son out for a car ride as he found it easier to talk if we were not looking at each other

OpalQuartz · 14/02/2025 22:23

You could broach it with him again. Make sure your dh is out first though, so he can't butt in with silly comments.

Ginflinger · 14/02/2025 22:24

OP, one thing I'd add that in my experience saying "but you can stop them doing this to someone else" can potentially be problematic, because it can add huge amounts of guilt if the person then can't bring themselves to disclose. Just something to consider. I hope it's not what you fear, and your child is ok.

DorothyStorm · 14/02/2025 22:25

I dint like your dh’s reaction at all.

discdiscsnap · 14/02/2025 22:25

It's sounds like you tried to have a low key conversation based on what your son said. That was absolutely the best way to encourage your ds to open up. Your dh fucked it up.

I'd leave it for now and in the next few weeks try to catch your ds alone and reopen the conversation maybe in the car .

Also have a word with your dh!!

Laiste · 14/02/2025 22:27

Without wanting to muddy the waters here, am i the only one who finds husband's reaction just that bit ... what's the word ... too keen to shut it down?

Supergirl1958 · 14/02/2025 22:31

Nursingadvice · 14/02/2025 22:11

This seems like a really strange interaction and reaction from you tbh.

I don’t think it’s a strange reaction from the op at all. Any parent who doesn’t take that kind of accusation seriously isn’t doing the right thing imo

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 14/02/2025 22:31

Laiste · 14/02/2025 22:27

Without wanting to muddy the waters here, am i the only one who finds husband's reaction just that bit ... what's the word ... too keen to shut it down?

I don't see how you could possibly be in a position to judge that from what OP's written.

DingDingRound3 · 14/02/2025 22:31

Your DH shut that down didn’t he.

Anon501178 · 14/02/2025 22:32

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 14/02/2025 22:19

I'd be worried too, and furious with DH.

Only thing I can suggest is that when I was a teen and DM was worried about me seeming 'off' she'd sometimes sit in my bedroom with me in the dark after I'd gone to bed, so I couldn't see her. It was definitely easier to talk about something difficult that way. Might be worth a try?

This is good advice...or maybe could he write or draw about it and give it to you or another trusted adult? Maybe agree a place he could leave it in your bedside drawer or something.

Some things should never be joked about though OP, and molesting is one of them.
I think it was a comment in bad taste, although I guess the positive is that if your DS has got a disclosure it has triggered him opening up about it.

ASeriesOfTubes · 14/02/2025 22:32

[misses point of post completely]

"Mummy"? At 15?

DingDingRound3 · 14/02/2025 22:33

ASeriesOfTubes · 14/02/2025 22:32

[misses point of post completely]

"Mummy"? At 15?

Edited

Yes and so what

lnks · 14/02/2025 22:33

Please don’t tell him it’s about preventing it from happening to someone else.

I was raped and when I told my parents I didn’t want to report it to the police because it was too traumatic, this is exactly what was said to me.

All of a sudden it became about protecting others. Not about helping me to heal.

Maximusdecimus · 14/02/2025 22:34

I don’t like what your DH did.

lnks · 14/02/2025 22:34

And AIBU is a very weird place to post about this. There might be other more appropriate boards

penguinbiscuity · 14/02/2025 22:34

Your DH's reaction is obviously unhelpful.

But I'm sorry, gently, I think you need to reflect on yours too.

Which parent was looking after his interests? It might feel to him like neither.

If your DS has been molested, he probably needs you to put his feelings first, find out if he's ok. Suggest he tells someone not to report it necessarily, but so he can process it, if there is anything to tell. Maybe offer him access to counselling. Give him a hug and check he's ok.

Not - put pressure on him to "do the right thing" and feel a duty to people he's never met.

Thinking about reporting can happen later. In the first instance, look after him. He only has one mum and he may really need you to show you care about him, before considering the rest of the world.

lnks · 14/02/2025 22:36

ASeriesOfTubes · 14/02/2025 22:32

[misses point of post completely]

"Mummy"? At 15?

Edited

We’re talking about child sexual abuse and that is your response? A 15yo saying mummy is worse?

arahiganay · 14/02/2025 22:36

It's a bit of a red flag that DH tried to shut down the chat