Was DS, 15, disclosing?

[Loglivelove]

(Nc for this - msg mn to check out if suspicious)

Ds is 15 and can sometimes be a bit in your face - he plays rugby and he's quite physical, always has been.

He was messing about in kitchen and I said - stop molesting me, just in a joking way.

I work in law and we use non-molestion orders. So i used the word in it's old sense - ie pester or harass. Cue a discussion about the etymology of the word, I'm a bit geeky like that.

Then ds said - I might have been molested when I was young. I was taken aback, and said - were you?

Dh was chopping veg and butted in - don't joke with mummy about things like that. That was annoying and I tried to say to ds - if you were, you must tell someone because its very wrong.

Ds said - I don't know them any more.

I said - doesn't matter because you can stop them doing it to someone else as well as being punished.

But by then he kind of backtracked and dh still trying to minimise.

So I left it that he must tell.someone if it's true and it doesn't matter who he tell, us or a teacher or the police.

Since then I've been so worried, and tried to bring it up again. But he plays along for a minute and then says he was joking.

What tf do I do now? I cant make him tell someone. He generally gets a lot of love and attention, happy in school and a great lad, I just dk what's going on.

Why is it a strange reaction? She’s done her best to get him to talk @Nursingadvice

I was going to say exactly the same. Got any road trips you need to go on?

I got that too. It’s quite a reasonable assumption based on what op has written, actually.

Is there some way you can talk to him alone, maybe on a walk or in the car? People seem to find it easier to open up about difficult things when they're moving rather than sitting facing each other. Sounds like there's something there to be discussed, but you should probably approach him and the subject very carefully.

How likely is it that OP's son was going to disclose abuse by or involving his father to his mother whilst his father was standing there washing the dishes?

I can't judge, by ex used to shut down any conversation he found emotionally challenging, which this would be, but her DH does seem a bit overly keen on ending this discussion.

I don't think your reaction was strange at all OP. You did the right thing and I'd have done the same.

Infuriating that DH fucked it up.

I would go and talk to him in his room tonight.

Yes i could take him to see my father soon 2.5 hours drive.

Cue everyone pointing to DH being an abuser

I would try letting him know at some point that if he ever feels like talking about what happened you will always be there for him however big or small.

I know some blokes a bit younger than me. One of whom isn't "right" they are in their 40s . A few years ago it came out the "popular" guy, coach of the football team was abusing lads about 12. My friend was his son's best friend...get your boy alone. Speak to him and try to be ready for what he might say.

In the meantime talk to your husband and find out what he knows...I'm not sure if he does but he shot your boy down very very quickly

I think this is odd from you. What is wrong with OP’s reaction?

I suspect that was the intention.

The 15yo isn't going to disclose like this if the DH had anything to do with it

Honestly? Don’t beat around the bush- be honest either in the car or in the dark- say something like “I am really concerned about what you said earlier about being molested…I’m sorry I didn’t handle it right and neither did dad- do you want to tell me more about what you meant?”

Then if he denies or can’t say more- follow up with “if you do need to talk- you can always talk to X or Y (guidance teacher or trusted friend or Coach etc)

A child told his parents he might has been molested. His father intervened to distract him, minimize what he was saying and stop him talking.

of course that is a huge concern and very odd reaction from a loving and protective parent.

husband may be scared of hearing it, may feel guilty that he didn’t stop it or may know who did it. Who knows.

but very very odd

He wasn’t trying to end it! Admittedly not the greatest comment but I expect he was shocked to hear it and as the DS was clearly playing around at the time, the DH thought it was a joke and rightly said it wasn’t a joking matter. 15 year olds say some pretty dumb stuff so not totally out of order for dh to say that. It’s not the kind of thing you expect t to hear is it? Let’s be honest.

Lots jumping on the post accusing, but you don’t normally have a perfectly rehearsed reaction to disclosures do you. Just because you say the wrong thing if hardly makes you a molester.

Where you there! How brilliant. Someone who can offer insight on what exactly happened and what what is the mind of OP’s husband.

how amazing - and all knowing commentator!

As you say, you missed the point completely, so why comment?

It's really not odd. OP and her son were joking around and her husband was washing up and didn't notice the shift in tone.

Whatever OP's son might have been going to disclose, it is mind-numbingly obvious to anyone who isn't really, really stretching to implicate the DH that it was not going to be a disclosure about abuse by the DH. And it's really, really nasty to push that interpretation at a parent who is already very worried that they missed a disclosure of abuse by someone from her son.

As opposed to the all-knowing commenters knowing that DH said that because he's guilty?

Exactly. I think that the PP have seen a few too many Harlan Coben series.

I think if you keep emphasising that he needs to tell someone in order to save some one else then he won’t tell you. He needs to tell you for himself. He will know what’s involved in telling the police and he might not be ready for that. I think he’s testing you to see if you’ll make him go to the police and so far you’ve confirmed his suspicions

Nope! I wasn’t there, were you? So why is your opinion the right one?

I’m not saying I agree it was him. But it’s not beyond the realms of possibility that it is him and he’s still doing it. A child saying that in front of their abuser is usually threatening them that they’re on the verge of exposing them if they don’t stop. Maybe unlikely, but it happens