Was DS, 15, disclosing?

[Loglivelove]

(Nc for this - msg mn to check out if suspicious)

Ds is 15 and can sometimes be a bit in your face - he plays rugby and he's quite physical, always has been.

He was messing about in kitchen and I said - stop molesting me, just in a joking way.

I work in law and we use non-molestion orders. So i used the word in it's old sense - ie pester or harass. Cue a discussion about the etymology of the word, I'm a bit geeky like that.

Then ds said - I might have been molested when I was young. I was taken aback, and said - were you?

Dh was chopping veg and butted in - don't joke with mummy about things like that. That was annoying and I tried to say to ds - if you were, you must tell someone because its very wrong.

Ds said - I don't know them any more.

I said - doesn't matter because you can stop them doing it to someone else as well as being punished.

But by then he kind of backtracked and dh still trying to minimise.

So I left it that he must tell.someone if it's true and it doesn't matter who he tell, us or a teacher or the police.

Since then I've been so worried, and tried to bring it up again. But he plays along for a minute and then says he was joking.

What tf do I do now? I cant make him tell someone. He generally gets a lot of love and attention, happy in school and a great lad, I just dk what's going on.

Hello! This might be relevant because I was actually sexually assaulted as a child, and only told my mum about it recently (I'm 22, told her last year). I did actually 'disclose' to my mum as a child in a similar way - minimizing and acting like it wasn't important. She took me at my word that it wasn't a big deal, so didn't realise the extent of what happened until I properly told her last year. I don't know if this would work for your son, but I think I would have found it incredibly helpful if my mum had actually sat me down and said, 'what you said was really serious and does classify as sexual assault. You don't have to tell me now, but please know that I am always here to listen whenever you want to tell me anything, I won't judge you, I won't make a joke out of it'. Just let him know that you do care and want to hear, and emphasise to him that it is serious. Who knows, he could have just been making a joke, but even in that situation, he'll learn that sexual assault is serious and nothing to joke about. On the other hand, if he was molested, he'll know that you care about it and want to help, and that he can always go to you.

No - weird and creepy

Your son was messing around with you and you told him to "stop molesting you?"

What the fuck is wrong with you?! What a disgusting and abhorrent thing to say to your child.

How have you brought him up with language like that.

She already explained it was in context of her working with non molestation orders, you do understand that means 'violence and harassment ' and nothing sexual?

Words do have different meanings in different contexts.

Oh, come on. She didn’t mean it in the “violence and harassment” sense, or that would be just as peculiar.

What is wrong with that?

Agreed that this is fucking strange and opens a world of confusion for the child involved. Now if he says “I was molested” he could mean exactly what he was doing to you - IE, someone “harassing” him in a “playful” way with nothing sexual. You joke about molesting, so will he. It also won’t seem like a topic you take seriously. So if there has been a sexual assault take place he might assume you won’t think it’s too big a deal.

The fact your DP instantly minimised and dismissed him is a huge red flag and he should have been called out immediately in front of your son for this.

I also think the fact you said he should put himself in a very vulnerable and painful place by opening up about this for the sole reason of “stopping it happening to others” was wrong. You need to tell him he should talk about it and tell someone for HIM. Because he shouldn’t be ashamed, because he shouldn’t have to carry the burden of this secret. Because even if it isn’t painful now the pain can grow and be so damaging when he’s older. It’s for HIM, and HE is important enough to protect and care for on his own.

What a stupid overreaction. Bet you’ve never put a foot wrong in front of your kids in your entire life. Some people on these threads are so fucking sanctimonious.

You’re weird and creepy for thinking it could be dh…duh!!! Yeah because the DS was bound to disclose in front of his actual abuser. Did you skip over the bit where DS says he doesn’t know the person anymore? Are you in the police force? They always miss vital evidence too

You are an obnoxious piece of work on this thread. Jog on

Oh I see! So everyone who disagrees with your theories is obnoxious.

Jog on yourself! Man hater 😂

You’re a man? Hahahaha that explains it

🥱

Oh really? Sorry! I missed the email that said you can only comment on this thread if you’ve been molested. Was that posted by MN? Somehow missed that! Just thought it was a general thread for anyone to reply to.

Has your DH been abused? cos that's the only reason he would shut the convo down.

I do not think so and I think he'd have told me.

The atmosphere was very much jocund and I think dh reacted like thst because it was unexpected and felt inappropriate in the moment.

I'm sorry to anyone reading this who has close experience of sexual assault. I do understand that the words molest/molestation in the US are 100% associated this.

However, it has a different meaning in English law. In everyday speech it can be taken to mean different things, hence my family's etymological discussion which led to this comment.

I am going to leave things for a few weeks and try to chat to ds again, incorporating some of the helpful advice on here. Thank you

@Loglivelove just leave the door open for your son to talk. I didn't say anything until I was in my thirties.
My family is very difficult so I wouldn't blow anything up now.
My daughter's situation is different but I know others know what happened to her but they won't tell me. She seems OK but it's been rocky.
I thought I was aware of everything that went on in my DC's life. How wrong can we be.